sunday9

This is my first post. Have lurked for years. My ABF lives with me in my home that I own. No kids. We have pets. He sometimes pays rent. This has gone on for 7 years (minus 2 while he was in prison for dui). When he got out of prison his drinking got worse. He now drinks about 3x a week - usually at least 12 beers but he really needs 20 or more and a 2 day drunk.

I have gone to Al-Anon during this - the first go-round I only went a few times. Last fall I was at my rock-bottom and went to a few groups - sometimes 4x a week for almost 3 months. I bought a few books and wanted to work steps. Only problem -- "it's about me...not about him"..... I couldn't and can't distinguish the difference there. It is ALL about him. It really is. He controls my life. He is a huge drunk - larger than life. Keeps me up all hours ...does scary and nutty things, pawns his tools, lets the dogs run loose, leaves with the doors wide open, sets huge fires in the grill at 4am. I have to be on watch when he is drinking. So I can't be normal or rested until he is sober for a day or so.

Besides insane, I am co-dependent. I don't have family ...except for my friends. I want this to work, be like it was when we met. He is yet again - off with a woman....knowing how it hurts me but later says he wouldn't do it if he were sober. I yet again will ask him to move and he will stall and beg or maybe even move again but trot back 2 months later just as I am getting over him. He says I push his buttons and make him so angry and I am guilty. I do it because of his disregard for me. So he leaves now as a woman he met at AA is at his moment's notice. And I am feeling guilty for pushing those buttons and not being ok with "who he is" and all. I feel like I should have turned the other cheek again just in hopes things might be better.

I need more help than my friends can give. I do want it to be "about me" but first I have to exorcise the pain he brings to my life and Al-Anon doesn't seem to be about that? Is there a place online I can do that? No $ for psych. I should be able to want him out of my life and give up already!!! I am sorry I ramble and am such a hot mess!

jmh5

I was living with a drunk for 3 years. He was not willing to face his issues. I wanted for him to sort out his drinking. I went to Alanon for 6 months before my higher power told me i needed to put myself first and treat myself properly. I asked him to move out. He did for a week, then moved back jn. I left. That was 12 months ago. I have no business with my ex, i wish him well but he is not my responsibility. I am my responsibility. I want a good life. Alanon has helped me to unpick the mess that allowed me to get into the mess and put up with so much (including the other woman). Its a painful process and lonely. Only my higher power can help and guide me through. I wish you love and peace and strength. Ps. As of 3 weeks ago i have started dating someone. Healthy, stable, drinks very little, ie. a beer. I have no idea where this will go but its giving me faith in good healthy ppl xxx

FeelingGreat

Hi Sunday, I'm sorry for the situation that's brought you here, but I've seen many posters come to terms with themselves and move on after posting on SR for a while. The fact that you're seeking help might be a sign that you're ready too.
He will say you are responsible for his behaviour, they all do, but you know it's not about you, it's because he's an alcoholic. I mean when he runs off he doesn't stop drinking right?
From what you say he's dangerous and you're in danger having him in the house. Are you ready to throw him out and stop contract with him so he can't return this time? You've said you only take a couple of weeks to start getting over him, and then he returns and reels you in again. If you have plenty of support this time you might be able to hold out and give him a big surprise.
Do you have a personal counsellor?

sunday9

Thanks, Feeling Great. I don't have a personal counselor of any sort. Not may friends that live close either. I am very vulnerable to him. I know he could be dangerous with his stupidity and he does harbor anger towards me know. When he is sober he says it is that he hates himself - not me. Yet I am the brunt. Every time he has left he continues to drink ... altho I don't know maybe this time he stopped. See...that is how lopsided my thinking is now. He is no prize - yet he dumps me? It hurts my ego, I guess. I'm sure many of you can understand.

He is also the most fun I've ever had .. he has made me feel so special and loved. It has just been so long ago. The bad times outweigh but I just dwell on the good stuff. I tell him all the time I must have STUPID engraved on my forehead as that is how I feel.....so stupid to trust him and stupid to want him and need him and want to help him.

Hopeworks

Hi Sunday,

My XA was like that. Left the oven on and almost burned down the house as he was a black out drinker. Simply insane behavior was the norm.

When we are addicted to the addict we have similar detox issues and huge chemical dumps and emotion swings that seem impossible to manage. Our brains and bodies are not logical... they are primal and we are wired to stay with our significant other.

My XA made me crazy...but eventually he kept burning bridges with me over and over and over until one fine day it became clear that I was fighting a losing battle because the only person that could win that battle was HIM! And he wanted to drink... thats what they do...drink!

So... its progressive. It gets worse. He doesn't really want to stop drinking (stopping is easy its staying stopped). Historically he gets a free place to stay and license to cheat when hes drunk. Heck... if you put out an ad you probably could get a 100 more just like him to move in!!!

Keep posting girl! Writing it out helps you process the relationship. Getting feedback helps us find reality and start rejecting our fantasies and dreams of the drunk becoming prince charming!

If you can find a good counselor they are worth their weight in gold! A good sponsor and the steps were also a big key for me.

Keep us posted and remember One day at a time.

FeelingGreat

sunday, it counselling an option? You have great insight, but it sounds like you need some support.
He's an adult, his behaviour is wrong and disruptive and you shouldn't have to put up with it. At the moment he has no incentive to change, but that can't be your motive for moving on.
Keep posting here, there are lots of people who have been in your position and will support your decisions,

CodeJob

Welcome Sunday to SR! Sounds like you've been a reader for a bit. I am so glad you posted. You sound worn out and sad.

You want things to be when you first met. There are days I think back too and wonder at what point did my H go off the rails? Was he always off the rails and my Type A kept him on the rails for a time? Why can't I stop trying to yank him back to normality? What do I get out of controlling the relationship? Was my view of the relationship even accurate?

You have stuck with this man through a DUI, infidelity, crazy making A behavior for 7 years. You can extricate him from your life, but you need to value your own peace, well being and safety. You need to work on you Sunday.

I hope SR and posting here can help you do just that. Again welcome!

sunday9

Thanks to you also, jhm5. I am happy for you. Maybe I will get there too. I haven't allowed myself to sleep at all tonight. I know he is sleeping aka passed out. I am not on his mind. Maybe he is worried about getting his stuff. I took his key again. If I lived with him I know I would have left. He lives with me tho ....in my house that I own.....so for some reason I feel like he belongs here!! I have pretty much tolerated everything but the women -- it is embarrassing and just gets to me. He says he isn't having sex with her but if he can - I'm sure he will. This lady goes to AA. She has made fun of me over the phone - bullied me. She left a love note on his car. None of us are young kids either!! I would never hurt him this way - heck I let him hurt me all the time and not pay bills, etc. But it's all my fault??? I know that is their MO. I know it ...intellectually ...I am not stupid there. I used to be the one all my friends called at 3am to cry about their loves......I felt smug in saying - that will NEVER be me. I haven't slept.....rambling....sorry.

sunday9

Thanks again to all.

You have already helped me. I think I have sent him about 50 texts and filled up his VM.....nasty traits I do to try to cope with my own anxiety in all this.

sunday9

Counseling is not an option....can't afford it due to the A and other things. I am sorry the posts are getting messed up. Beginner's luck?

Mags1

Hi Sunday, I'm pleased you decided to write a post. There are a lot of people who can relate to you, going through the same or similar experiences.

Thus drink does wicked things to us but we have to take responsibility for ourselves, he shouldn't blame you for his drinking. Then again, I was the drinker and blamed anything , especially if it was in the wSy of my frinking, always remorseful later! which is no good to anyone , crocodile tears.

Look after you, you have you and your house, it could be a bright future for you. There are men out there that treat people a lot better than you've been treat.

Take care. Xx

Live

In many states you can get a no trespass order. This might shore up your determination to not allow him in and to make you a hostage to his drinking and drama.

Your county may have a mental health clinic where you may be able to arrange for counseling for free or a low fee.

Also free std testing.

I hope you get a good nap today.

((hugs)))

sunday9

After he does something stupid or horrid ....he will apologize and magically I am supposed to be fine and ok with that. I should never bring it up again ....I am then a nag ... or trying to hurt him or make him "bleed". He feels the "I'm sorry" is a free pass to sleep it off for a couple of days only to drink again. If I am not ok hanging out with him or mention the "cost" of the beer ...I don't understand him, I'm not his friend, etc. I cant win unless I am ok with everything he does. And that said....right now I am feeling bad I didn't do that because I am so jealous about this woman....I told y'all I was INSANE. I so appreciate hopeworks comment about us having similar detox issues. I have thought something like that for ages ....I lose control to his drinking and my emotions and sanity change. I do things I would never normally do because I don't know what else to do!!!

chicory

Sunday,
Glad you are posting! I'm sorry you are living this way. I have been there. I have my own A who occasionally makes my life He!! but SR is giving me a lot of encouragement , and it will help you too, I bet. I finally made an appt with a counselor. There are mental health centers in most places, state funded, who may be able to see you for free, if you qualify. You might look into that.

When you are the only one looking for ways out of the pain, it is about YOU. You have this one life, and don't let someone who isn't ready to give up poisoning his self take you with him, down that dark path. He can change, if he wants to. You want change. He does not. you would think two years of prison would get someone to want recovery. You are giving him shelter, and that is so much nicer than prison, so where is he getting his consequences? Consequences are , from my understanding of things said here, the main impetus for change , for addicts/alcoholics.

hang around. there is good help here. a day at a time, and baby steps at times, you can do what you want to do, to be free and happy.

hugs

sunday9

chicory - by consequences do you also mean "rock bottom"? Friends tell me I am keeping him from rock bottom by letting him live here. He knows he can at least have a place to stay and keep his stuff. I recently stopped buying groceries. Smartest thing I have done yet! I may be suffering some but it is worth it. That is my way of showing him a "consequence" to not paying bills but having $ for other things. I really don't think this man has a rock bottom. He says some As don't. They just die.

Eddiebuckle

Sunday,

Thanks for your post. It's hard to imagine what it is like for the Al-Anon side of the room sometimes, but this is so like the alcoholic it's crazy. The active alcoholic goes back to drinking (whether the next day or after years of sobriety) thinking that this time it's going to be different. Oftentimes it is - it's even worse than before.

AA has taught me three things that I need to be conscious of every day: never forget your last drunk, my relationship with alcohol will never change, and I am an alcoholic for the rest of my life. Those three things help me do on a daily basis what I must to stay sober, and I have to do it every single day.

From your side of the issue, your BF is the equivalent of the drink. You need to drop the fantasy that he or your relationship will ever be like it was seven years ago - EVEN IF HE GETS AND STAYS SOBER. If he were to choose to get sober, it will take a year or so to get to whatever his "sober normal" actually is... and that person will not necessarily be Prince Charming.

Until you are willing to give him up completely, you are going to continue to get whatever scraps he chooses to throw your way. You will have to stick to that decision, just like an alcoholic in recovery, regardless of how you feel or what he says and does.

I suggest you go to your local home improvement store and buy new locks for every outside door in your house, and install them the next time he leaves.

chicory

Sunday,

Consequences of not paying bills is not having stuff. Consequences of treating people badly would be ending up alone. Consequences help us to change, if we want happier lives.

I did not mean his 'bottom'. I read here that everyone's 'bottom' is different. Some quit when they see that it makes them feel bad. Some quit when they lose their homes and family. Some people never quit.. they die from their disease. You won't know which his will be. You cannot make a bottom for him.

but you can decide what your bottom is. I hope you decide you deserve to be happy. Do something positive today. Look into how much it will cost to change locks. look into school for yourself, maybe. Look into things pertaining to the future you want for yourself. baby steps sometimes are all we can manage, but they will add up and give you courage to take bigger ones

sunday9

Eddie and chicory -- I don't have to change locks....I have his key. I just about always have his key as I can't trust him. He has lost it before. So when he drinks he knows to give it to me. Sometimes he is good and I don't mean to make him sound like a monster. I literally pushed him last night to do call his GF and leave. I wouldn't hang out and I put him down. He is at a very low point due to the drinking. So I tried the "do not enable" approach and look where it got me?! He has gone and done another bad thing. I still have not slept. I think I am addicted to him or our relationship and can be as sick as he is. Disgusting. I hope to snap out of it soon. I have been here before an do ...it is just this feeling now which is horrible - guilty. My dad was also an A if that makes any more sense. I had issues with that relationship and my ABF reminds me so much of him. I saw a post on here where someone said they finally figured out they were trying to work on the ADad relationship via the ABF. Perhaps.
As far as financial aid for therapy - I fall in the middle where I am not poor enough and own a home/car so no dice for any help and I am barely working now to afford any. I will be ok....thank you all for letting me post here.

AnvilheadII

are you ready to have enough of all this now? seven long sad years. maybe once upon a time he was different, but what we deal with is the NOW. the present. and he's pretty much free loaded off of you for YEARS. that's not a relationship and you deserve better.

now that he's out, you COULD go grab a batch of "alcoholic luggage" also known as a fresh box of Hefty Bags and start packing up his crap. he is way more capable of fending for himself that you let yourself believe. as it is, he already HAS another woman on the hook. he's not sorry and he will do it again IF YOU ALLOW IT.

no guilt.

LvWrAM123

You having boundaries that will lead to consequences for him (licking him out, refusing to spend time with him when drinking, etc) is NOT to try to change him, but rather us to change things for YOU. Having and maintaining boundaries is good for YOU because you feel good about yourself for standing up for yourself and having a backbone. It is good for YOU because it will help you to extra care yourself from the circumstances and environment which contribute to the drama and insanity in your life. Without a cheating alcoholic in your life, you are not worrying for your safety, not trapped in the messed up mind games, and might be able to find peace. Find yourself again, and find a future for yourself.

Do you have health insurance? If so, you very likely may have mental health coverage to help defray costs of professional help. Please call the member services number on the back of your card to ask about coverage and who is in your network. Another possibility is if your employer has an EAP program-you can usually get a couple sessions free there and they may be able to help you figure out a low cost resource to get more. If you live near a college with a psych or social work program you might be able to get low cost services from a grad student in training. What is your life worth to you? If you had cancer and needed to borrow $2000 against your house to pay for chemo to save your life, would you? It sounds like it is time to prioritize you. Go back to AlAnon-several mtgs a week again. A regular mtg, an ACOA mtg, a step mtg. Get a sponsor, work your steps, put effort into finding additional professional help-look for ways to MAKE THIS HAPPEN rather than for reasons it cannot. Check out a copy if codependent no more from the library. You can't help your boyfriend-only he can do that IF HE WANTS TO. JUST LIKE ONLY YOU CAN HELP YOU IF YOU WANT TO. It is time to stop putting your wishes and efforts into getting him to be different and START putting all your time and effort into getting YOU to be DIFFERENT.

It is easier said than done, but it CAN be done. And only YOU can do it. And you don't have to do it alone, but you you alone have to WANT to do it.

GOOD LUCK. We here at SR are supportive of you doing this, changing you, and finding peace.