bknyvispacnw39

Hi, I've never done this but here goes. I'm married with a nine month old baby and I'm pretty sure my husband is an alcoholic. We are going to counseling but my father is an alcoholic and even he thinks my husband is. As he says, "a drunk knows a drunk." My husband came clean that he'd been abusing alcohol since the baby came. He'd been a heavy drinker before that, but after baby he was hiding it and lying. I made the mistake if neglecting him when the baby came and when I surfaced from the baby haze he was too far gone in alcohol and hurt. He came clean after a physical revealed a damaged liver but was sober a month and two weeks ago started secret drinking and lying about it. I mean, he'd come home so clearly drunk and lies about drinking at all. The trust is gone. He resents me for resenting his drinking and says that I'm too quick to draw parallels betw my father and him. His father also died from alcoholism. We are early into seeing a therapist but I'm wondering if there is no hope. Also, I can't say anything right and all my instincts are wrong so any practical tips on how to get through tomorrow would be great. I went to a few al anon meetings and there was too much god involved and honestly, I just didn't relate. Maybe I should try a different group but it's hard to go far since I work and the awake hours I do get to spend with my baby are so precious.

Praying

Welcome. I'm sorry for what brings you here, but you'll find lots of love and wisdom! Have you seen the "stickies" at the top of the page here? They're great beginning reading. You might not have a lot of reading time with a baby, but I found that reading as much as I could helped me. Also maybe reading some other stories and posts here. It's sad and daunting, but gives insight into this strange world of addiction.

One thing you'll hear here is "are you working on you"? Meaning, what are you doing to love and honor yourself, and to unravel your own desires and behaviors, and what to demand in your own relationships. It's very annoying at first to hear, trust me. I didn't even understand what it meant for a long time.

But hearing that your dad was an alcoholic...have you researched ACOA at all? There's an interesting list that CodeJob just posted on another thread for behaviors that adult children of alcoholics tend to have in relationships as a result of coping.

To gently point something out based on your post, which I'll paraphrase based on what I hear:

HE was drinking and hiding it and lying.
I made the mistake of neglecting him due to the baby (responsibilities), so HE was too far gone in alcohol and hurt because of MY behavior by the time I tried to reach out. HE resents me for resenting his drinking, because I shouldn't be drawing parallels between him and my father. I can't say anything right, all my instincts are wrong.

His choice to drink and hide and lie was his choice. It had nothing to do with you. You were focused on your baby (perhaps he could have been too). Even if you had been out having an affair, it's still HIS CHOICE to drink "because of it". There are healthy ways to deal with emotion, and he chose to drink. Please do NOT ever take responsibility for his drinking. Many of us do at some point. You can't make him drink...and you can't make him stop. That's what reading and Alanon or Celebrate Recovery can help you understand. The three C's. I didn't CAUSE it, I can't CONTROL it, and I can't CURE it.

He resents your resentment because it forces reality. Hiding and lying occurs for a reason. Your father is a convenient excuse in my opinion for deflecting the issue and clouding things...maybe to send you off on a track wondering if you DO judge him too harshly because of your dad? The facts you laid out don't appear to have anything to do with your dad. That's not today's issue. Your husband is drinking, hiding, and lying.

"I can't say anything right and all my instincts are gone" is such a common feeling when living with an addict. The goal is to be able to drink, and the lying, hiding, manipulating, gaslighting (look this up if you haven't seen it)... makes you feel like you're doing something wrong and hurting things, especially when you try to help or understand. It's quite a confusing thing. You are normal. Do trust yourself.

You've come to a good place for perspective. You won't always hear what you wish to hear, but if you keep posting, people will share honest, helpful wisdom with good intention. They've helped me through some really tough times.

Give yourself a pat on the back. You're raising a new life!!! Congratulations! I'm sorry for what brings you here, and I'm sending some hugs your way tonight (sorry, that's what I do).

ladyscribbler

Your husband is an adult. Your precious baby needed your attention. This is not because you "neglected" your husband when your baby came. He neglected you and your baby, choosing alcohol over his family. You've heard the Alanon 3 c's.
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it.
The higher power in Alanon, which some people choose to call god, can have any identity you want. Many people develop a relationship with their hp through Alanon. I've met atheists, Christians of all flavors and even a 73 yr old man who discovered that his hp is Buddha. You can develop that relationship however you choose, at your own pace. You might not ever call your hp god, but that doesn't mean Alanon isn't for you.
Don't have any real tips for the therapist visit. I go to individual therapy and for me honesty is the best policy, but I've heard some horror stories from people here about couples therapy with an active alcoholic. You are trying to involve someone who is not able to be honest with themselves in a process of healing a relationship with honest discussion. The alcoholic is there to appease you and as I heard someone say here "negotiate the terms of their continued drinking."

Eta- the time thing. I have two sons, and Alanon makes me a MUCH better mother! My oldest gets on me if I say I'm thinking of skipping a meeting. He's like "No mom, you should go to your meeting!" lol.

Santa

No. No, no, no. Your husband is a grown man. Adults know that a newborn baby needs a huge amount of care and attention. Alcoholics, on the other hand, are overgrown babies who demand constant attention, not because they need it (he is an adult, right? just like you?) but because they want it. Me. Me, me, me.

I've been in your shoes. Don't dream of feeling sorry for your husband because you carried a baby for 9 months, delivered it, and he is a new father.

hopeful4

^^^^So so true.
I am so sorry for what brings you here, but I am so glad you are here. I would say to get through the short term is to do your own thing. Try not to engage w/him if he has been drinking b/c there is absolutely no point. Stay on your side of the street so to speak.

Is there hope? Only he can decide that. In the mean time, are you financially dependent on him? I encourage you to make a plan of exit just in case. Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

And lastly, protect your sweet baby at all costs. Never ever let him drive the baby or be with the baby alone if there is any chance at all he may have drank or would do so. It's sad that is what it comes to, but there it is.

I would say if he has liver damage he has been an alcoholic for quite some time. It is going to be hard to beat, and he will have to truly want it and be able to fight it forever. Can he? Yes. Will he? Only he knows.

Tight Hugs. We are here for you, you are not alone!
XXX

Blossom717

I agree with the above, you didn't neglect your husband. He neglected you and your baby. He should know that she is the one who needs attention right now. Don't buy into him making his addiction in anyway related to your actions as a mother or a person.

Its scary when you have an infant and an alcoholic spouse. My daughter will be 3 next month and I'm just now starting to breath. Its scary even if they want to just hold them. Then there is driving, feeding, bathing....

I hope that counseling helps you and your family. My A won't consider going there but at this point, I'm not considering fixing our relationship either. I'm making my plan for exit.

Has he had any health problems related to the drinking? One thing that I'm most worried about is my DD watching her dad deteriorate. We've been to the hospital 3 times for pancreatitis, once when she was under a year old.

Good luck, I will pray for you! work on you!

isitme

Reading this very much reminds me of when my son was born. In this thread of mine from way back in 2008 a member named JustAnotherDrunk told me some pretty spot on things about what it's like for an alcoholic to be confronted with a new baby.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ally-feel.html

There was a lot of good advice given in that thread, lots of which I wish I had taken. I intellectualized it, but didn't listen to it with my heart. I stayed, things haven't been all bad, but I still consider leaving almost daily.

I second what everyone has said about him being an adult, and you giving as much time, effort and energy to the baby as needed. Big Hugs.

bknyvispacnw39

Thank you all for the support. It feels good! I mean, I still feel absolutely hopeless and I don't hear many stories here that end with recovery and happiness but I think in the back of my mind I knew what was going to happen. I have to ask myself, after an alcoholic father why didn't i know better? Am I attracted to alcoholics? I'm almost forty and I am financially independent - I make a good deal more money than he does which I think is a bit of an issue but to do it all alone won't be easy. Being single terrifies me. And leaving him terrifies me. And I feel like if I do leave, I have to go far because he will go off the deep end and that's really when I don't want my son near him at all. Praying mentioned something about a codejob post that might be helpful but I can't find it...can u point me in the right direction?

I don't want to feel guilty for giving all my attention to my baby. I actually resent him for trying to make me feel bad. He thinks it was a betrayal similar to his constant drinking hiding lying. And so often when we argue he says I'm so selfish I don't even know it. And I'm so manipulative but I don't even know I'm doing it. Apparently I don't know very much. It's incredibly depressing. In therapy he says he fears me because I'm so critical, but he can't handle even the mildest of feedback around cleaning the baby or laundry or anything else. It's so exhausting. To top it all off, his mother - who has her head in the sand and will not talk about anything with me - lives with us to take care of baby. She will not talk to me about the problems - she says she wants to stay neutral - but she also wants to make sure I don't talk to my friends neighbors or coworkers either.

I have nothing left in me but crying and begging. I don't even have any fight left.

ladyscribbler

Taking care of a newborn is in no way equivalent to an alcohol binge that causes someone to neglect their family. That is absolute crazymaking. He is trying to shift the blame for his issues onto you, which is a really common tactic for active alcoholics who are trying to preserve and protect their right to drink.
My ex's mom was also in total denial and was basically a super-enabler for him until I left and she got to take the brunt of his drunken abuse. It was awful dealing with her, and we lived a half hour away. What a nightmare to have them in the same house ganging up on you.
That "don't ask don't tell" attitude is really common in alcoholic/codependent families where it is imperative to hide the problem from outsiders at all costs. Because if someone saw what was really going on it would be hard to maintain that status quo of alcohol abuse and denial. I grew up in an alcoholic home and that was a big part of my childhood. You have good instincts wanting to protect your baby from this behavior. It is very damaging.
Not sure what post others were referring to, but if you click on CJ's username there will be an option to search past posts.
Having a baby and a full time job is exhausting. Take good care of yourself, get as much rest as you can and maybe instead of wasting an hour in therapy listening to your husband quack, do an individual session and work on you instead of pouring precious time and energy into trying to fix someone who is obviously content staying broken.

barliegirl

I can totally understand the mother-in-law issue. My MIL will NEVER admit that her son is the problem and always blames me. Even when he has said to his family it is his fault, not mine. However, the dynamics of the in-law relationship has changed and now they don't even go to my son's soccer games. That is so not fair to him. I just wished that I had left a long time ago. It is so much easier to change when children are young than when they are almost in high school. My son is my life and priority - not my husband's issues. He is the adult and, like others have said before, he is the one that chooses to do what he does. You care for the precious life that you have been blessed with - that is your only responsibility now.

Praying

Here's the ACOA link CJ had posted...hope it works, I'm typing on my phone.

The Problem - Adult Children of Alcoholics - World Service Organization, Inc.

I can't get it to link here...

hopeful4

Isolation and manipuation are forms of abuse, remember that.

I hope you stay safe and keep coming back, we are here for you.

Praying

Hi again.

Betrayal. Lying. Selfish. Manipulative. Critical.

Someone told me a long time ago to imagine that every time he spoke he was talking to himself, not to me. In a conversation, that is SO helpful. Once I saw it, it was almost amusing how much I could see through it. Those are all traits that many active As (and almost all abusers) fear we see in them, believe about themselves, and try like crazy to keep us from seeing. That's where the projection and blame tossed your way comes in. And it sounds like he's flinging HARD, which means you're probably close to some painful truths that he needs to defend with the full army.

Look again at that list. I heard you say your activities have focused around baby care. Not sure how all those things fit in there?

I love that you resent it. Sure, someday it'll be good to learn to release it...but as a start I think resenting it is a first step because you know you are BEING WRONGED. Often that's where many of us stay stuck for so long...getting sidetracked and trying to fix everything he says we do wrong. Looking inward instead of believing the behaviors we see. We eventually stop realizing we are being wronged, and the game goes on and on. You see clearly. Hang onto that as you figure out what to do.

Not that it matters, but I don't believe those things about you.