Standing in my own space

Old 06-28-2014, 05:51 PM
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Standing in my own space

I set boundaries with my family a few weeks ago, stood up for myself at work and asked for a raise...and started to make positive change.

I have not heard from one child (have an active heroin addict who is really lost right now--went to court and battled my own not wanting to--it has been since January)--and then on Friday I chose not to go. The other 4 adult children have all disconnected and I just set the boundaries I needed to...they were trying to control me and still are...but I let them know my stand.

I am moving forward...it has been one hell of a week...the emotional storms of going to the last court date where she didn't show up anyway...after several months of it--and then I let go...I didn't go on Friday where it was either she showed or bench warrant time.

I am not reaching back out to family as they believe they have me controlled...my therapist says they are extremely selfish people...I am codependent...but have been working on myself for a very long time and I will hold on these changes to stand up for myself.

I will NOT allow another person to control my life...and I will continue to move forward.

I finally love myself enough to do this.

It is really hard...lots of emotions and see sawing today...feel as if I have been battling spiritual battle today...but I am fighting and not going down or letting the negative emotions take over.

I have a lot of work to do to get to a 'something better'...but I will do it. I have more energy than I have had in years.

It is my job to live my life.

This is the 3rd generation of family to shun me...but I will hold my ground.
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Old 06-28-2014, 07:52 PM
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I will NOT allow another person to control my life...and I will continue to move forward.

I finally love myself enough to do this.
Bravo, this sounds like the beginning of a wonderful recovery. You get to choose your friends and you get to detach from any family that is judgmental or controlling. It's all your choice to make.

I know you are on the right path, you know why? Because recovery means being able to stand in your own truth...even when you stand alone.

From a mama who has been there and done that, big hugs from my heart to yours.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:21 PM
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Good for you, for taking care of yourself. I like what you said, that it is your job to live your life.

Stay strong. It's nice that it gives you more energy to make many things in your life better... the raise is a nice benefit, too.

Loving ones self,,,key to a good life.

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Old 06-29-2014, 07:15 PM
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Setting goals for the week

Originally Posted by chicory View Post
Good for you, for taking care of yourself. I like what you said, that it is your job to live your life.

Stay strong. It's nice that it gives you more energy to make many things in your life better... the raise is a nice benefit, too.

Loving ones self,,,key to a good life.

Thanks chicory for the nice post. I didn't get the raise...I asked for one...twice now. I held my ground with a boss who is very precise, doesn't understand any kind of emotional language at all (so I have to translate everything into non-relational agenda driven language at his direction) and I took 5 minutes to do it as his way of deflecting anything is so massively effective...i think he may be an emotional vampire...he hired me because I have beautiful energy inside...and then started to set the rules and his requirements all about him and the bosses' son and anything i try gets shot down.

I finally, however, made the year mark in a job which is the first time since 2006 and the great recession hit and i went back to work and started my career over so I am proud of that.

I am working on very short term goals...as setting the boundaries and the silent treatment has really stirred up the emotional storms and the whole family is standing away...which sucks...but I know that I need to do this to live...and to have any chance of saving my soul.

I have known that I hit bottom in 2012...but I didn't have the energy or strength to take steps...now that I succeeded in getting a job over Skype, doing a job at an acceptable salary for a year, and setting these boundaries with the family even if I am going through the storms of deep emotions...I am better than I was. I am holding even.

Got an internet therapist to help...the internet is a great tool...and it was worth a try...she helped me make the step into holding the boundaries...but I am angry right now...and going through the emotions...when I am calm or have more energy...I am taking steps.

This week I need to continue to take on bill paying for myself...1. Get my phone set up and paid, 2. Pay utilities, 3. Pay storage for this month...see if there is money left and energy to set up a new thing that I have always wanted to do...4. A trail ride.

This on top of working 10-11 hours under huge stress...and not to break and not to lose myself in it...but to figure out ways to do it easier and not to make meeting deadlines something I live or die by...as my boss has set unrealistic deadlines and I will inform him how the majority got done over the past 4 weeks (with creative thinking and planning, priorities and work by me) and what will push...and not let him micromanage by acting like he can analyze backlogs because he can't...and I have been stupid (being a pleaser) to let him have that opening...I thought I could handle it but I couldn't so am now holding boundaries.

As for family...very angry with the self absorption...but need to use the anger for steps for me...towards better...remembering the 3 C's and not giving in to self pity or self blame...they will pass. I didn't cause all of it...and the only person I can reclaim is me.

I need to talk and vent here...because right now is a tough spot. I have no answers...but will take my steps. I have been working on this since my daughter started using drugs at age 16 -- she is 34...then another one...age 14...she is 28...the entire frickin family is so fixated on having fun and drinking to do it...and I fought the drugs...but the heroin addict daughter...I can't...and they won't...and there aren't enough resources in the world to make something happen just because I want it to.

So, I am going to do the 4 things I talked about and work. My therapist keeps poking at me...she almost seems like she is trying to fix me...but I am trying to give it enough...she did get me to write the boundary emails and that was good...and then...although I went to court on Monday (addict daughter didn't go)--as I have since February...I couldn't and didn't go on Friday...and now daughter is out of contact again...and since that is her wish...she has been doing that as part of her pattern...going to let her go...and trust God to handle that.

I have given away too much in the past 8 mos since I found her in SF (& even finding her was a huge thing before that) and then before that...finding a way back from South America to San Francisco with almost no money and a one-way ticket. God is giving me all these chances to save myself; I need to do it.

It is so hard though to walk away.
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