The first year

Old 06-28-2014, 11:48 AM
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The first year

I have started to future trip. I need to stop. AH and I have our 22 year anniversary date looming in August and I dread it more and more as it approaches. Then, I think about the holidays that come after as well. I left his home a month ago, but still have contact, as we have a 17 year old daughter. She turns 18 in October, and I am seriously considering filing immediately afterward. Obviously, I have no plans to return, but as he was taken by surprise by my move (go figure), he is still going through lots of emotional upheaval and calls me regularly (daily). I do not want to spend much time with him (the fall is the worst!), and I am trying to figure out a way to nicely give him the message to leave me alone. I am thinking of making sure that I am out of town for the anniversary date.
I have lots to keep me occupied this year; my DD, some wonderful friends, a demanding job, and a new home to settle into. Any other suggestions for how to get stbxAH off of my radar?
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Old 06-28-2014, 12:26 PM
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Well, Yurt...I think that getting out of town with some enjoyable other plans is an excellent starter. That is what I would have suggested, first!!

My second suggestion is to have a list of positive affirmations to replace the negative (future trippin') thoughts when they emerge. I feel that they MUST be written on an index card---for fast retrieval...as they do not come naturally in the face of fear and anxiety.
What we think,...our thoughts,...trigger feelings. Change your thinking=changing your feelings.

I would suggest that you start with the most scary future tripping thoughts---then write the positive flip=side of that thought to "neutralize" it. I think you get my drift....

When applied diligently, this tool is very effective.

dandylion

p.s. Meditation is also very effective in stopping unwanted thoughts and anxiety. Very simple and easy to do. You might want to look into that for use, in general. I know that there are several people on this forum that are experienced practioners that could advise you.
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Old 06-28-2014, 01:58 PM
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You take it one day at a time. You have no way of knowing how you'll feel in six months or six weeks. Just keep your focus on today. Projecting is another way of dodging our immediate feelings and only fantasy. It's best to get active, get out of your home, see a friend, call someone, go to an Alanon meeting.
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Old 06-28-2014, 02:19 PM
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The mindfulness solution, by Ronald Siegel. I took an 8 week group/class last spring and we used this book-I have been reading it again, more closely. Reread the worry/anxiety chapter today. It ends with great suggestions of which meditation practices to use for formal practice, informal practice and "life preservers" for worry/anxiety, and a template for developing your own action plan. Same with each of the following chapters-depression, breaking bad habits, relationships, etc. Also, you can stream or download guided audio versions of most of his meditations on the free companion website: mindfulness-solution.com
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Old 06-28-2014, 04:11 PM
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Hi Yurt!

Interesting to me that the anniversary date is triggering you even though you say "obviously" it's over. I just survived my 20th and it was a difficult day for me bc of my expectations (which were unrealistic). Maybe you are at some level afraid you will change your mind? That the significance of that date and length of time could somehow pull you back into the black hole of your marriage?

Now YOU know and we on SR know that Yurt my sweet - you are NOT going back. But I suspect that an inner Yurt who put up with your marriage for much too long is just worked up about the length of time it dragged on and the significance of the date and views it as self betrayal? Your H clearly does not get that it's OVER. I wonder if this inner self is worried this man still has control over you even though you got away? Why wait to file? Why is H not clear that you are DONE? Have you not clearly communicated this to him? Maybe this part of YOU just needs some reassurance that things are truly drawing to a close and YURT is going to stick up for YURT?

I for one am so proud of you. Perhaps going away and working on building a trusting relationship with your inner self on that date will be a great plan for that date? Be well. Be kind to you. Hugs!
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