Having a difficult time being strong today...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Having a difficult time being strong today...
I'm really struggling today. AH comes for a visit. I was getting ready to leave. He won't leave me alone. I'm horrible apparently because I won't let him back because he won't meet my "demands."
He goes to two meetings a week.
No sponsor
No steps
No counseling or treatment
No meds for anxiety/depression/add
Still drinking (he denies but I smelled it on him Thursday)
He's mean when I do see him.
But I'm horrible because I won't let him come back and He only gets to see kids few days a week. He's going to try to get them half time...apparently he doe t remember refusing to take them when I've offered. He will keep coming here whenever he wants...
Why do I begin to question my sanity?
Why do I sit here crying when he's done this to himself?
How does he not get it? I'll never fully understand this addiction. Does he believe his lies?
Thanks for "listening"
He goes to two meetings a week.
No sponsor
No steps
No counseling or treatment
No meds for anxiety/depression/add
Still drinking (he denies but I smelled it on him Thursday)
He's mean when I do see him.
But I'm horrible because I won't let him come back and He only gets to see kids few days a week. He's going to try to get them half time...apparently he doe t remember refusing to take them when I've offered. He will keep coming here whenever he wants...
Why do I begin to question my sanity?
Why do I sit here crying when he's done this to himself?
How does he not get it? I'll never fully understand this addiction. Does he believe his lies?
Thanks for "listening"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 41
It seems that he needs someone to blame, and you are it. You are sitting in his home with his kids it's all you!! Better to blame you than look at himself. Better to keep telling himself that it's you than to break open himself and show all his pain out in the open. That's one of the hardest things as a wife you need to be strong. That tuff love you show the kids when they want to cross the rd to get to the park but you won't let them no matter how hard they fight you, because it's dangerous to cross without you. I feel keeping the addict away from either the family unit or the drink is sometimes the same. They certainly tantrum the same way. But how can you treat this grown man the same as a young tantruming child? Even if they do look and sound like one. Don't doubt your sanity don't doubt your choices you know what you've done and the reasons behind it. I bet you didn't go through this from just one night of alcohol fuelled fighting. Stay strong. You have that strength in you somewhere.
We all have that doubt there believing it's us, we are either the cause or the creator. Be strong. For you and your children. We have your back xx
We all have that doubt there believing it's us, we are either the cause or the creator. Be strong. For you and your children. We have your back xx
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Chelsea, reading your previous posts your AH seems to be running riot around your personal life, coming and going whenever he feels like it, harassing you and your son with repetitive phone calls and even being physical with you. He doesn't have the right to do this to you. Have you set up a visitation plan that is dependent on him being sober?
It might be time to seek legal help with putting him back in his box because what he's doing now is a form of abuse. For instance him coming into the house should be dependent on you inviting him, and phone calls should be a form of communication, not harassment.
You don't have to carry this alone. Consider calling a DV helpline for some information. He doesn't have to be physically bashing you for you to call it abuse. Time for it to stop.
It might be time to seek legal help with putting him back in his box because what he's doing now is a form of abuse. For instance him coming into the house should be dependent on you inviting him, and phone calls should be a form of communication, not harassment.
You don't have to carry this alone. Consider calling a DV helpline for some information. He doesn't have to be physically bashing you for you to call it abuse. Time for it to stop.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Chelsea,
Oh my. Yes... they are complete liars to themselves and to everyone else. I have yet to meet a drunk who isn't a blame shifting victim of epic proportions. Despite our martyrdom and heroic efforts for years and years as soon as we start setting boundaries we become the enemy and the devil himself!
LOL! Their mantra and motto for living is if they say it often enough, loud enough, scary enough with such conviction andpassion we will crumble once again and give in their demands because it is so hard to resist their wearing us out! The goal is to get you so emotionally upset that you will give in and sadly we trained them to do this because historically I always did wear down eventually with continued false promises etc...
Shut the Duck Up! No quacking zone! Is there a way you can limit contact? Drop off kids for visits at his mom's or some other safe zone?
I love the new breathalyzers that take a picture and a BAL and email it to judges and the other parent. They can be set to every 4 hours... a great way to ruin an alcoholic's good time and it cannot be beaten! Hubby has to choose to stay sober or give up visiting his kids. No alcohol helps to de-escalate the situation as they are at least only a dry drunk during contact times.
STAY STRONG. I am an ACOA. My mom didn't stay strong. Had she protected me perhaps I wouldn't have been attracted to toxic A's all my life! Break the cycle...protect the kids.
Oh my. Yes... they are complete liars to themselves and to everyone else. I have yet to meet a drunk who isn't a blame shifting victim of epic proportions. Despite our martyrdom and heroic efforts for years and years as soon as we start setting boundaries we become the enemy and the devil himself!
LOL! Their mantra and motto for living is if they say it often enough, loud enough, scary enough with such conviction andpassion we will crumble once again and give in their demands because it is so hard to resist their wearing us out! The goal is to get you so emotionally upset that you will give in and sadly we trained them to do this because historically I always did wear down eventually with continued false promises etc...
Shut the Duck Up! No quacking zone! Is there a way you can limit contact? Drop off kids for visits at his mom's or some other safe zone?
I love the new breathalyzers that take a picture and a BAL and email it to judges and the other parent. They can be set to every 4 hours... a great way to ruin an alcoholic's good time and it cannot be beaten! Hubby has to choose to stay sober or give up visiting his kids. No alcohol helps to de-escalate the situation as they are at least only a dry drunk during contact times.
STAY STRONG. I am an ACOA. My mom didn't stay strong. Had she protected me perhaps I wouldn't have been attracted to toxic A's all my life! Break the cycle...protect the kids.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Posts: 153
Thank you so much everyone. I agree it is harassment and I have told him that -- he just laughs. I want desperately to go back to the lawyer and have visitation defined but I don't have enough money yet, hopefully soon I will.
There is a graduation party for our nephew today, I am dreading it. How do I remove myself from these family activities (his side)? I feel bad if I don't go but have so much anxiety about going...
Last week at my sons baseball practice he kept bothering me to ride together to the party I had already said no. I walked away and stood elsewhere, he followed and continued. I went to my car. He came over to the car window. I wouldn't acknowledge him so he finally left. This is not normal behavior! He usually isn't so relentless in public.
I would like to bring kids to him from now on but I also know my daughter will refuse. Also, the chances of him driving with them are smaller here because they will play basball, swim etc..maybe I will try again with insisting on planned times so I can be gone.
I do think despite what he says he's worried I will put contingencies in the agreement about the drinking. Although according to him, "there's no proof" and "a judge will ask for proof."
This is such a roller coaster.
Thank goodness for the support here and just being able to read what others are going through, it helps me through the difficult days.
There is a graduation party for our nephew today, I am dreading it. How do I remove myself from these family activities (his side)? I feel bad if I don't go but have so much anxiety about going...
Last week at my sons baseball practice he kept bothering me to ride together to the party I had already said no. I walked away and stood elsewhere, he followed and continued. I went to my car. He came over to the car window. I wouldn't acknowledge him so he finally left. This is not normal behavior! He usually isn't so relentless in public.
I would like to bring kids to him from now on but I also know my daughter will refuse. Also, the chances of him driving with them are smaller here because they will play basball, swim etc..maybe I will try again with insisting on planned times so I can be gone.
I do think despite what he says he's worried I will put contingencies in the agreement about the drinking. Although according to him, "there's no proof" and "a judge will ask for proof."
This is such a roller coaster.
Thank goodness for the support here and just being able to read what others are going through, it helps me through the difficult days.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Chelsea, seeing you don't have the option of legal advice, I think a call to a DV helpline would be the best course. What you've described is harassment and intimidation, and it doesn't necessarily need a lawyer to address that legally. They will have good advice on what resources are available for stopping it.
When your AH speaks, and tells you what people will and won't believe and where you need proof just translate as quack quack quack.
Family activities - call the person in advance and explain that the whole thing is awkward for you because of his behaviour, and offer your congratulations by phone.
When your AH speaks, and tells you what people will and won't believe and where you need proof just translate as quack quack quack.
Family activities - call the person in advance and explain that the whole thing is awkward for you because of his behaviour, and offer your congratulations by phone.
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