Sharing big news with an estranged addict...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Sharing big news with an estranged addict...
So I recently found out that I am pregnant!!! Woohoo! This has been a difficult path. I turned 40 this year and realized that there were no potential fathers waiting in the wings, so I started looking into my options and decided to have a baby on my own with the help of a donor. I got the big news just a week ago that I am pregnant, due in March!
Anyway, I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle telling my addict sister. She knew I was trying and was supportive, but then a few weeks ago she got very upset with me for no good reason and estranged herself from me. It's a long story, she went to a rapid detox for opiates late last year, and since then has taken up target shooting as a hobby that she claims is helping her stay clean. I guess it's a substitute thrill. So she contacted me a few weeks ago wanting to buy a gun that I inherited from our uncle. Everyone agreed last year when he died that I should take it because I don't have kids. (Guess maybe I will get rid of it now! I never really wanted it, it's been sitting in a locked case in my closet.) But she wanted to buy it from me. I thought this was a terrible idea. She is psychologically troubled and has a history of violent rages, she has a two year old son, and her baby daddy is a felon! (Sometimes-recovering meth addict who continues to struggle, they are not living together at the moment.) So I said no! I didn't tell her my reasons, just said I didn't want to sell it. And she flipped out, sent me an angry rant on FB, and I told her I wouldn't read it and she got even more worked up and de-friended me. I sent her a conciliatory e-mail a couple weeks later, but she ignored it.
So....I just don't know whether to bother telling her I'm pregnant. On the one hand, we didn't have much of a relationship to begin with. Mostly we corresponded by FB. But I enjoyed seeing pics of my nephew, and...I guess it just bums me out. My parents were both alcoholics who died as a result of their drinking, and my brother is somewhat present in my life but also dealing with difficult family issues of his own. Do I bother telling her, knowing it might be just another opportunity for her to reject me? As I write this, I realize that it is pretty darn out of touch for me to expect some kind of happy relationship with her to ever develop. Sigh.
Anyway, I am having a hard time figuring out how to handle telling my addict sister. She knew I was trying and was supportive, but then a few weeks ago she got very upset with me for no good reason and estranged herself from me. It's a long story, she went to a rapid detox for opiates late last year, and since then has taken up target shooting as a hobby that she claims is helping her stay clean. I guess it's a substitute thrill. So she contacted me a few weeks ago wanting to buy a gun that I inherited from our uncle. Everyone agreed last year when he died that I should take it because I don't have kids. (Guess maybe I will get rid of it now! I never really wanted it, it's been sitting in a locked case in my closet.) But she wanted to buy it from me. I thought this was a terrible idea. She is psychologically troubled and has a history of violent rages, she has a two year old son, and her baby daddy is a felon! (Sometimes-recovering meth addict who continues to struggle, they are not living together at the moment.) So I said no! I didn't tell her my reasons, just said I didn't want to sell it. And she flipped out, sent me an angry rant on FB, and I told her I wouldn't read it and she got even more worked up and de-friended me. I sent her a conciliatory e-mail a couple weeks later, but she ignored it.
So....I just don't know whether to bother telling her I'm pregnant. On the one hand, we didn't have much of a relationship to begin with. Mostly we corresponded by FB. But I enjoyed seeing pics of my nephew, and...I guess it just bums me out. My parents were both alcoholics who died as a result of their drinking, and my brother is somewhat present in my life but also dealing with difficult family issues of his own. Do I bother telling her, knowing it might be just another opportunity for her to reject me? As I write this, I realize that it is pretty darn out of touch for me to expect some kind of happy relationship with her to ever develop. Sigh.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,863
Congratulations! 
I wouldn't bother telling your sister, especially not at this point. Maybe on down the road if she gets better, but right now, don't let anything or anyone spoil your happy moment. (((HUGS)))
I wouldn't bother telling your sister, especially not at this point. Maybe on down the road if she gets better, but right now, don't let anything or anyone spoil your happy moment. (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
First of all, Congratulations! That is great news.
And wow, am I so glad that you refused to sell her the gun!
I understand how much it hurts to have her cut you out of her life, but it seems like PAWS kind of behavior on her part to me. You have done what you can and she is still ignoring you. Would it be terrible for her to find out your good news some other way besides you? I don't think so. Addicts use our emotional ties to them to hurt and manipulate us. You did all you can do, yet I completely understand the hurt of not being in touch with her and the desire for her to know.
You have most of your pregnancy ahead of you--there's time yet to tell her.
Take care! Have fun thinking about your little one & the life you will have together.
And wow, am I so glad that you refused to sell her the gun!
I understand how much it hurts to have her cut you out of her life, but it seems like PAWS kind of behavior on her part to me. You have done what you can and she is still ignoring you. Would it be terrible for her to find out your good news some other way besides you? I don't think so. Addicts use our emotional ties to them to hurt and manipulate us. You did all you can do, yet I completely understand the hurt of not being in touch with her and the desire for her to know.
You have most of your pregnancy ahead of you--there's time yet to tell her.
Take care! Have fun thinking about your little one & the life you will have together.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Congratulations!!! I can feel your excited happiness. Don't let your relationship with your sister spoil that.
As GardenMama and Suki suggested, there's lots of time for that down the road. For now, just feel the joy.
And, if I may make a suggestion, get rid of that darn gun (to some place safe) before it causes any more unhappiness. Nobody can argue about a gun that is no longer there.
If I knit, which I don't do well at all, I would knit you a darling little baby sweater and booties. I started a set years ago for my nephew who is now 40 years old...maybe if I knit fast I can get it done for you.
Hugs
As GardenMama and Suki suggested, there's lots of time for that down the road. For now, just feel the joy.
And, if I may make a suggestion, get rid of that darn gun (to some place safe) before it causes any more unhappiness. Nobody can argue about a gun that is no longer there.
If I knit, which I don't do well at all, I would knit you a darling little baby sweater and booties. I started a set years ago for my nephew who is now 40 years old...maybe if I knit fast I can get it done for you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I echo Ann. Guns are bad news. Guns around unstable people are worse news.
I'm no peacenik---and have worn a sidearm most of my working life. Even when I
thought I was rid of the damned thing a certain historic event placed it back in
my life (as well as robbing me of 2 days a year to re-qualify). Every time
I hear the mention of lethal force on THIS (SR) website.....I cringe. Drugs and lethal
force---what a terrific combination! Sort of like putting a fire out with gasoline!
My uncle was a state trooper---for more than 30 years. I once asked him what
he was most proud of. His answer was that he had NEVER drawn his service weapon
for real.....only in training. Sometimes (he admits) he erred on the side of caution.
But.....he took an oath to safeguard the lives of ALL the citizens he was PAID to
protect-----including (and sometimes, ESPECIALLY) criminals and addicts.
But to echo Ann again---violence solves nothing. All it can do is turn a momentary
discomfort into a lifelong regret. If guns solved problems---Baghdad would be the safest
city on Earth.
Knitting (and NEW BABIES!!!) do our souls a hell of a lot more good than weapons.
I'm no peacenik---and have worn a sidearm most of my working life. Even when I
thought I was rid of the damned thing a certain historic event placed it back in
my life (as well as robbing me of 2 days a year to re-qualify). Every time
I hear the mention of lethal force on THIS (SR) website.....I cringe. Drugs and lethal
force---what a terrific combination! Sort of like putting a fire out with gasoline!
My uncle was a state trooper---for more than 30 years. I once asked him what
he was most proud of. His answer was that he had NEVER drawn his service weapon
for real.....only in training. Sometimes (he admits) he erred on the side of caution.
But.....he took an oath to safeguard the lives of ALL the citizens he was PAID to
protect-----including (and sometimes, ESPECIALLY) criminals and addicts.
But to echo Ann again---violence solves nothing. All it can do is turn a momentary
discomfort into a lifelong regret. If guns solved problems---Baghdad would be the safest
city on Earth.
Knitting (and NEW BABIES!!!) do our souls a hell of a lot more good than weapons.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Congratuations on wonderful news!
And with that out of the way:
BZZZZZZZTTTT!!! The reasons against that are self explanatory.
As for whether or not you should tell her...think of it this way. Addicts are unable to absorb the love and support anyone shows them. Thus, they're empty. So I'm guessing that if you told her about your news, she would not be able to be genuinely happy for you. Based on that, make your decision.
Again, that's awesome news. Congrats, and God Bless.
And with that out of the way:
So she contacted me a few weeks ago wanting to buy a gun that I inherited from our uncle.
As for whether or not you should tell her...think of it this way. Addicts are unable to absorb the love and support anyone shows them. Thus, they're empty. So I'm guessing that if you told her about your news, she would not be able to be genuinely happy for you. Based on that, make your decision.
Again, that's awesome news. Congrats, and God Bless.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Thanks, everyone! I appreciate the congrats. It's kind of disappointing that I don't have much family to share it with, so nice to share with my SR family. And Ann, if you get to work now, that sweater and booties should be ready just in time for my grandchild! 
I guess I knew somewhere deep down that it wasn't worth telling her, but just needed some affirmation. It seems like a big thing to keep from her, but she is the one who cut ties, and you're right, zoso, she isn't capable of being truly happy or supportive of me. And yes, I will get rid of the gun! I felt guilty about that, too (so much guilt!). I think I've been worried that getting rid of it would make her even more angry? Crazy the tiptoeing we will do! If she asks, I'll just tell her it was rusty and no good. Or maybe I'll be honest and tell her it wasn't good for anything but hurting people. Incidentally, I was talking this over with a friend and she pointed out something that hadn't even occurred to me: it might be that she wanted to buy the gun because she can't legally buy one. She has been involuntarily committed before, and also has at least a couple drug-related misdemeanors on her record. 
I guess I knew somewhere deep down that it wasn't worth telling her, but just needed some affirmation. It seems like a big thing to keep from her, but she is the one who cut ties, and you're right, zoso, she isn't capable of being truly happy or supportive of me. And yes, I will get rid of the gun! I felt guilty about that, too (so much guilt!). I think I've been worried that getting rid of it would make her even more angry? Crazy the tiptoeing we will do! If she asks, I'll just tell her it was rusty and no good. Or maybe I'll be honest and tell her it wasn't good for anything but hurting people.
Incidentally, I was talking this over with a friend and she pointed out something that hadn't even occurred to me: it might be that she wanted to buy the gun because she can't legally buy one. She has been involuntarily committed before, and also has at least a couple drug-related misdemeanors on her record.
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