MAGW

OK - I am new in the last month but have been posting, quick recap, AB of 4 years, started drinking again, usually its an every 3 month cycle, this time I had enough and we have been 'broken up' for 2 or 3 weeks. It was a traumatic break up and he knows the only future opening with me is rehab, but he knows its his deal to figure what he wants to do with his life as I didn't give him an ultimatum, I just ended it. We are about 90% no contact just because its too hard for both of us, sad. He was never angry or abusive, but when he drank it got to be 24x7 and I was afraid over the years he would turn angry and abusive; and I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who drives under the influence, even if its just himself.

He has been talking rehab, but today emailed me to say his boss is scheduling it. I don't know details what happened but I am guessing they saw him drinking and they value him as an employee and want to help. He would never leave his job willingly for rehab as he feels like he would be putting them in too much of a hard situation (crazy but understandable thinking). He is very high functioning so has rationalized the drinking at work, and on top it is being successful at work (while drinking), which plays games with his mind.

So now I need a crash course in how do I interact and/or support him during this and afterward, especially at possibly rebuilding but not jumping right back in a relationship in a way that supports what he is doing but doesn't make him too dependent on me. I want him to own this. I actually think he is more codependent than I am, but I could be wrong, but a few years of therapy recently have been incredible for me. Anyway, all but the alcohol was pretty amazing (outside of each of us having different aged kids and all that goes with that), so I believe our relationship is worth fighting for if he actually does this. However, he has low self worth so I do know this won't be fixed in just 10 days at Shick Shadel (aversion method along with traditional therapy). I also know he has to do it for himself. I know this is the most rock bottom he has ever been, but hard to know if he is doing this for us or work or his kids or himself. So I want to approach it so I don't sabatoge his personal growth through this, as in the end that is the only way we can have a healthy relationship (lots of childhood abandonment issues on his part.) So he will have to follow up with therapist or a group like Smart Recovery. So I am not sure how I be supportive, without being codependent or managing it for him or even influencing him. I am having a hard time posing this question, but hopefully you get the jist. Thank you - love being in this community and learning from all of you and feeling there are so many of us in this together!

Understand

Hi,
It's a hard place to be. I guess you just need to let him know your always at the end of the phone if he needs you. Let him know that you still care for him but you also care for yourself. I think being there to say yep,I know, I understand, but still keep the distance you have now. You have to play it by ear and deal with each day and how it presents itself. Wait for him to bring up any regrets or sorry's he might want to express about your relationship. Keep your own peace you need to be your priority not him.
Good luck.
My A hasn't made that step yet so I really don't know.

killerinstinct

hi Magw,

Thanks for sharing your story.. Well I guess every situation is different... but rehab really won't change anything unless he wants things to change. My ex's work payed for his rehab and even extended it to a 6 week program.. The whole time I was waiting on the side line thinking he was working out some plan to restore our marriage for our child.. to work on himself .. boy was I wrong.. it had the opposite effect.. After leaving rehab he threw his relationship with me away, his relationship with his son... and relapsed a couple of weeks after and has continued in and out of his lifestyle for the past two years. I'm not
saying that your situation is anything like mine but my husband was placed in rehab yes but it wasn't because he had the desire to change.. it was just something new for him to do... infact that's where he met even more dodgy characters who once he left created more corruption for him and he ended up in more hot water after he left and his lifestyle got worse. On a positive note I recall lots of families reuniting with their loved ones who came to their senses and all wanted healthier relationships.. that was lovely to witness and I hope that's what's in store for you guys Xxx

AnvilheadII

you're right he won't be FIXED in 10 days.....or 10 weeks....or 10 months. recovery...getting clean and then STAYING clean....is hard work. it should be! as a sober person he is going to have to learn to deal with LIFE....the life now and then going back and healing the life past.

let's say his thing here was training for a triathalon, or climbing Everest, or some other intense arduous undertaking. that would be between him and his training....his regimine......his schedule. there wouldn't BE much for you to DO, would there? you couldn't MAKE him get up at 4 and go for a run....in the rain. you couldn't MAKE him go the gym to workout. you couldn't MAKE him do..........well anything! he'd have to deal with his own aches and pains, blisters, cramps. he'd have to clean up his diet, get lots of sleep and keep his eye on the prize. and if one day he decided to bag it.....quit....well that's HIS too.

there really isn't much you NEED to do here. as it is you guys are "broke up" right? so maybe for now it's best to maintain distance and let him figure out how to lace up his own running shoes. stay on the sidelines, if you choose to WAIT, and just......watch. there is no guarantee even with Schick's method that it will stick. addiction doesn't give up very easy. it's a beast.

MAGW

A very late thank you to Anvilhead and others - love the climbing analogy and having it put that way makes it easier to visualize and always keep on the top of my mind! I read your responses as soon as they came and appreciate them, I just wasn't a good replier .

BoxinRotz

He's your ex right? How about keeping it that way for a year and let him show you if he's going to change. Take care of you, your kids if they still need you, and let him take care of him.

MAGW

Hi Boxinrotz - I told him at the start of the 'break up' that I would keep his kids now or in the future if rehab is what he ever chose; family is on the other side of the country, so there is necessary contact. And as I said, he was never angry or abusive, so I am trying to read as much as I can about Craft and support him in the healthiest way for both of us. I still have not seen or spoken to him, just email/text. His boss also called me to touch base. He is not a bad guy like many alcoholics, and he is very relational, so I think some version of the Craft concepts where I take care of me and my teenage kids first, but support him in some way, will be do-able. I am keeping my boundaries and have an amazing therapist. We did not live together so it is fairly easy to keep the boundaries. The 'break up' was purely about him drinking vs being in active recovery. If this is his rock bottom- only time will tell - I am not sure I see the problem with cautious support. But, I am only 4 years in so not the expert, we will see day by day what happens...