recoverholic

Hi, I'm new to these forums. I don't even know where to start. September will be three years sober. I'm only 28 years old. I started drinking every now and then when I was 17 in high school. I started to party more when I got out and when I could legally drink in a bar it really started. I would find myself always going out with friends and meeting new people, but always had a drink in my hand while doing it. I lost my Dad when I was 16 and had a difficult time with that. For a few years I had a really stressful time running the family business and I couldn't wait to get off, hit up my local hangout and let loose. All the worries and stress melted away for the day and let me tell you, that first beer was the best feeling in the world. From the first gulp I instantly felt happier, I loved my life in that moment.

I got arrested for a DUI in 2011. It turned my world upside down, so I didn't drink for a week. Yes, one whole week before I hated the world and everyone in it. I started drinking more than I use to and I drank a lot before. My mentality was that since I didn't have to worry about driving anymore, I would go get blackout drunk every night. Nothing mattered at that point except for me losing myself in the bottom of a bottle. Not my family, not my friends, not my job, not my health, NOTHING! I hurt a lot of people along the way, but I didn't care then. I said and did things I couldn't remember doing, very hurtful things. I still to this day don't know some of them, it was easier to just never bring it up.

I ended up in the hospital for six weeks and the first week was in ICU. My body finally said enough was enough. I had a lot of time to think and reflect on who I was and where my life was going. With all the pain and procedures, I finally felt a moment of clarity through sobriety. I started feeling things that I haven't felt in a long time. Is this what it took for me to get sober and change my life? I was told that I may have problems for the rest of my life, but if I drank, the chances would increase greatly. Reality kicked me in the face and I came to terms that if I wanted to increase my chances of living a healthy life then I would never drink again. The pain and fear for my life I experienced has made it easier to reinforce not wanting to drink.

It has been a struggle since I've had up's and down's with my health. I would be doing great and then out of nowhere I am back in the hospital. I got depressed along the way. My problem is not with urges to drink, I honestly don't want to drink and I'm not tempted to when around it. Sure I think about times in the past and reminisce from time to time, but I won't drink again. Seems after I quit drinking I lost most of my friends, drinking buddies I should say. At first my friends didn't want to drink in front of me, I hated that. I would even buy some beer and bring it over for some friends to drink just to show them it really didn't bother me. I didn't want them to be different around me. I've noticed over time, that even my best friends have grown distant. This could very well be my fault. In fact, it probably is.

A lot of the time I just want to be alone. It's almost like a chore to go out and interact with people. I have lost interest in life and what the world has to offer. All the things I use to enjoy are now just a thought that I quickly dismiss and decide to stay locked away in my bed room instead. My motivation is gone, most of the time I don't see the point in doing anything. I don't have goals because I feel like what's the point. I use to be so competitive, full of energy, driven, laughing all the time and just generally happy with a positive outlook on life. This was before heavy drinking by the way. Now I don't feel like I even know myself, I feel strange in my own skin. I feel dead inside, I'm just simply existing. I find it very difficult to go out and actually enjoy myself in social situations. I get bored much more quickly. I am confused on what I want to do with my life. I don't know which career to pursue because I have no clue what I really want. I haven't bothered with getting into a relationship in years. I'm tired of feeling so isolated and lonely. I want to feel different, I want to progress in life. I don't know if anyone can relate to how I am feeling, but any input would be appreciated.

Sorry for this being such a long read, I didn't plan on it.

Chance2

You said it well
Vx

least

Welcome to the family. Have you ever done counseling? Or considered it? I see a counselor and it's been very helpful in sorting out my feelings.

I hope the support here can help you.

melki

I can definitely relate to having lost myself and any interest in life and anything I used to enjoy before. In fact, it's probably rather common. Is there anything you can find that sparks your interest? Think back.

recoverholic

Thanks Chance2.

least, the only kind of counseling I've had is the mandatory meetings with someone when I was on probation for the DUI. I did feel somewhat better after talking to him. I have considered finding someone to see in the past and attending AA meetings. One of the problems I think I have is that I feel nobody around me can relate. Main reason I joined here so I could talk to others in similar situations.

recoverholic

As a hobby I use to love playing pool. Hell, I was even on a pool league for a while, but I quit smoking two years ago as well. Now I can't stand going into the bars here because it's filled with smoke.

biminiblue

We can all relate. Alcohol does weird stuff to us and changes how we think.

AA is the same, there are lots of similarities in peoples' stories.

melki

I just read today that someone was not quite ready to come to AA meetings, but called them up and talked to someone who gained their trust, which made it easier. I like that idea, easier than just walking into a meeting for the first time. So maybe that's something to consider? I'm thinking about it myself now. In the meantime, do stay on this forum, it provides tremendous help and relief.

recoverholic

How did you get back on track and start enjoying life again? Also, do you have to talk in AA meeting or can you just listen?

bookmaven

There are lots of different kind of AA meetings. Try to find a Speaker meeting for your first one, you won't have to talk at all. Even if that doesn't work out you can always PASS when it's your turn. No one will force you. Without my AA friends I would be lost.

LBrain

hello and welcome recoverholic, I'm in the same school as least on this. Half way through reading your post I was thinking you need to see a therapist. Not because you're nuts or crazy, but because you seem to have talked yourself into a feeling of despair. Congratulations on your continued sobriety - 3 years - wow! But putting yourself into isolation could lead you back to square one. I know you know you can't drink. But if you continue this attitude of no joy in life, you may get that WTF attitude and give in.

I don't want to commiserate with you over your present feelings, I would rather just point out that you seem to have a defeatist attitude right now. Maybe it's just a phase or perhaps there is some deep rooted issue you need to deal with.
The only way to sort this out is to see a professional. Do yourself a favor and give it a shot. Nothing to lose, a lot to gain.

Try to get find some social groups that focus on outdoor activities. Look to find a new hobby - something you often thought about doing but never pursued it. Just as we had to motivate ourselves to get over drinking, we have to motivate ourselves to start living life again. I wish you the best.

Verte

I think many can relate to this feeling. I know I can for a variety of reasons. It sounds like you have been through a lot on your own and are on the cusp of a transformation. This is an opportunity. Grab it! My advice is to avoid isolation if and when possible. Chances are pretty high that you will find connection with people in places you never imagined before. Finding a valued therapist and support resources are great suggestions. You are not alone in this although it may feel this way right now This forum is an amazing resource...post and read as often as possible. Very best wishes

Wastinglife

I am at a similar crossroads in life, but ten years older. My problems began at 28 when my drinking started to become a serious problem. Threw away everything for the booze. Career, relationships, finances, and health. I am sober now but, like you, having problems finding my identity and purpose in life. I started seeing a therapist for the first time ever this year and it has done wonders. My therapist has let me see how negative and destructive my thought patterns are and I have learned to just think differently.

At 28, you have your whole life ahead of you. Plenty of time to find a career that makes you happy and meet new people. I suggest you seriously look into therapy. 1 hour a week with a professional has really helped me make progress.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

The first priority is to focus on is your Sobriety, alcohol has affected life in a negative way from reading your story, so putting alcohol behind you and focusing on what you want out of life will make a huge difference, it did to my life when I deceided to quit at aged 30yrs old!!

recoverholic

Thanks everyone for all the input. It's really appreciated! I will take the advice to find a therapist and see if that helps, it certainly couldn't hurt.

Wastinglife, you nailed it with trying to find my identity and who I'm suppose to be without the booze. Even though it has been nearly three years it doesn't feel like it. I feel the benefits physically, but mentally I am struggling.

recoverholic

I also have panic attacks quite regularly. Is that something common among others who have stopped drinking?

doggonecarl

You need something in your life--a cat, a friend, a purpose. Something.

Hope you find one.

KAD

Hi recoveryholic! I've heard it put this way, "Quitting drinking won't solve all your problems, but it will solve that one." First of all, 3 years is commendable! I applaud and envy you for that! It sounds like the issues that maybe precipitated your drinking problem in the beginning continue to linger. That's understandable. I also have a tendency to isolate and feel like I'm just floundering through life with no real direction or purpose. Alcohol served as a distraction from that, but really only compounded it, while creating an even bigger problem. I would agree with others that you're going to need to actually force yourself out there and get involved with other people and activities. It's what I'm retraining myself to do. I make myself just strike up conversations with random people I see in public, when my tendency is usually to not speak to anyone. Counseling may also be a good option. If you struggle with depression, I would even urge you to speak with your doctor about that. There is a way out of the pit you're in, but you have to make the effort to start climbing out. I understand so much of what you're describing and can relate. I'm trying to climb out, too. Best wishes to you.

DisplacedGRITS

AA has given me a community to live in that is rich in humor, amazing experiences, thoughtful discussions, opportunities to help and be helped and genuine affection. I'm fortunate that my AA group is very active. We fellowship after our meeting, attend other meetings together, gather throughout the month for regular social gatherings and do service work together. Doing service work, even something as simple as answering the hotline phones once a month, is an absolute pleasure. It gets me out of my head and lets me feel useful.

I think feeling useful and needed is very important. We need to feel like we have a purpose in life. Right now, i have a purpose. I want to share my experience, strength and hope with other alcoholics in the hope that they find something in there that helps them to achieve peaceful sobriety.

recoverholic

Good advice GetMeOut. I hope you continue to move forward and best wishes to you too!