Work, perfectionism and trust issues.
Behold the power of NO
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Work, perfectionism and trust issues.
This is my first time starting a thread here and actually, my second time asking for help or feedback on SR. Looking back on the threads I started, they are either the Al Anon daily readings or a couple of interesting or funny things I wanted to share with the group.
I have started a small house cleaning business to supplement my main income working for a nonprofit and just started working for a lady doctor cleaning her house on Fridays and her clinic every other Monday.
Her house is undergoing constructions (they are adding a new floor and tore down the roof).
I was supposed to go clean this morning and got a very short email from her
I was in tears when I read that and this has me absolutely paralyzed. I spent the last 2 hours going back over the cleaning jobs I have done for her steps by steps trying to see where I went wrong, trying to remember if I left any details out (I could have done the floors better maybe?) and on and on and on....
I allowed it to put me in a state of anxiety and I have not been able to do my morning meditation.
I am also connecting the dots, this is a pattern I have with my work whatever it might be: when it comes to work I am being paid for, I am a complete perfectionist and I take anything as a personal reflection.
Any setback, cancellation or mistake and I go in that loop about not working hard enough, overanalyzing, not being good enough.
For some reason it just hit me today that I have been doing that for as long as I can remember. I can also become very defensive or aggressive about my work.
I also realize today that I have a tendency to assume that when it comes to work, people are lying to me.
While the rational side of me knows that the house is torn down and there is a construction crew of 6 working there (cleaning last week was hell) as well as two little girls on summer break with their nanny and that I did the best I could, the other side of me is telling me:
She is lying, you did a lousy job and she does not want you back
Tomorrow I am cleaning for another lady who asked me to come back and was so happy and grateful (she is an older woman with a disabled husband) working for her made me feel so good because I made her life a little bit easier
If the Dr for some reason is lying and don't want me to work for her but cannot tell me the truth it is probably on her since my clients like me and my work.
A normal person would just process that and enjoy a Friday off.
Me, I am feeling anxious and almost sick to my stomach.
I posted here because I feel it is probably more an ACOA issue rather than a codependency or alcoholism issue.
This is crazy: I am taking a job cancellation as a personal rejection and as being lied to
How can I stop that tape from playing?
How can I rewire that thinking of taking any set back in my work as a personal failure?
I have started a small house cleaning business to supplement my main income working for a nonprofit and just started working for a lady doctor cleaning her house on Fridays and her clinic every other Monday.
Her house is undergoing constructions (they are adding a new floor and tore down the roof).
I was supposed to go clean this morning and got a very short email from her
Due to all the construction we do not need cleaning tomorrow
I allowed it to put me in a state of anxiety and I have not been able to do my morning meditation.
I am also connecting the dots, this is a pattern I have with my work whatever it might be: when it comes to work I am being paid for, I am a complete perfectionist and I take anything as a personal reflection.
Any setback, cancellation or mistake and I go in that loop about not working hard enough, overanalyzing, not being good enough.
For some reason it just hit me today that I have been doing that for as long as I can remember. I can also become very defensive or aggressive about my work.
I also realize today that I have a tendency to assume that when it comes to work, people are lying to me.
While the rational side of me knows that the house is torn down and there is a construction crew of 6 working there (cleaning last week was hell) as well as two little girls on summer break with their nanny and that I did the best I could, the other side of me is telling me:
She is lying, you did a lousy job and she does not want you back
Tomorrow I am cleaning for another lady who asked me to come back and was so happy and grateful (she is an older woman with a disabled husband) working for her made me feel so good because I made her life a little bit easier
If the Dr for some reason is lying and don't want me to work for her but cannot tell me the truth it is probably on her since my clients like me and my work.
A normal person would just process that and enjoy a Friday off.
Me, I am feeling anxious and almost sick to my stomach.
I posted here because I feel it is probably more an ACOA issue rather than a codependency or alcoholism issue.
This is crazy: I am taking a job cancellation as a personal rejection and as being lied to
How can I stop that tape from playing?
How can I rewire that thinking of taking any set back in my work as a personal failure?
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Carlotta, I can't remember offhand how long you've been sober...a while, right?
I guess everyone is different. I guess some of the second guessing comes from being raised by an alcoholic. I can see some of those behaviours in myself, that would have stemmed from constant anxiety in my teens when my Mum slid into alcoholism.
BUT....one thing I noticed in sobriety, was that doubt, fear and second guessing become dangerously ingrained in my everyday thinking. Probably from the continual stress of trying to conceal my alcoholism.
Your response to the email smacks of how I would have felt when drinking....oh shivers, she thinks I've done a $hite job, did she smell alcohol on my breath last time, did I do a bad job because I was hungover, did I leave early and she saw me at the liquor store...etc etc etc.
When I got sober.....I could still hear and do now at times hear the tapes our brain told me to continually ensure my track of alcoholism was covered.
Not sure if you can relate, but I certainly relate to your knee jerk second guessing dialogue, for sure.
I guess everyone is different. I guess some of the second guessing comes from being raised by an alcoholic. I can see some of those behaviours in myself, that would have stemmed from constant anxiety in my teens when my Mum slid into alcoholism.
BUT....one thing I noticed in sobriety, was that doubt, fear and second guessing become dangerously ingrained in my everyday thinking. Probably from the continual stress of trying to conceal my alcoholism.
Your response to the email smacks of how I would have felt when drinking....oh shivers, she thinks I've done a $hite job, did she smell alcohol on my breath last time, did I do a bad job because I was hungover, did I leave early and she saw me at the liquor store...etc etc etc.
When I got sober.....I could still hear and do now at times hear the tapes our brain told me to continually ensure my track of alcoholism was covered.
Not sure if you can relate, but I certainly relate to your knee jerk second guessing dialogue, for sure.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Fear of rejection and failure is common to me as an ACoA. Because failing to please my A father resulted in beatings. As an adult I still had this ingrained. My head knew my boss wouldn't beat me, but my body didn't. Called into the boss's office to be reprimanded my head would spin and heart would pound, when it was the least infraction that they really didn't care about. It would send me to into the same dilemma of doubting myself. I finally took my fear of man to God and decided to believe what I was told without embellishing it. If indeed they were lying it was their problem for being a liar. I can't deal with lies, only truth. Even lies in my own head.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
OMG Do you sound like me! Over thinking, paralyzed by insecurities, and taking things as an attack.
What I have learned is that I do the best I can do on a daily basis. If that is good enough with the world great. If not I'm OK. I like the person I see in the mirror even with all the problems and imperfections.
Each day I get a little bit better and I can live with that because I moving forward not backwards
What I have learned is that I do the best I can do on a daily basis. If that is good enough with the world great. If not I'm OK. I like the person I see in the mirror even with all the problems and imperfections.
Each day I get a little bit better and I can live with that because I moving forward not backwards
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Construction can definitely tear your house apart. She is likely thinking she will just let you know when the mess is done and have you clean at that time.
Maybe send a quick note, "Will you be letting me know in the future when you are ready again?" I only say that b/c it's your income and you need to know. I am sure you did nothing wrong, she would not have you doing both home and office if you did not do a good job.
I am sorry this gave you such anxiety. You obviously do a great job or people would not have you coming back.
Be proud of your accomplishments and know we are proud of you too!
Maybe send a quick note, "Will you be letting me know in the future when you are ready again?" I only say that b/c it's your income and you need to know. I am sure you did nothing wrong, she would not have you doing both home and office if you did not do a good job.
I am sorry this gave you such anxiety. You obviously do a great job or people would not have you coming back.
Be proud of your accomplishments and know we are proud of you too!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Oh Carlotta...I SO GET THIS!!
This isn't to do with that lady...that e-mail was a bit short but it was factual. It stated simply that she didn't need you to clean tomorrow..not she didn't want you to clean for her ever again! Not that you've done a terrible job! Her house is in a mess with the construction so just maybe there's little point cleaning it up until the work is completed?
This is to do with you. Maybe your need for perfection and eagerness to please is because of a fear of rejection?
I'm doing a bit of amateur psychology here so please feel free to ignore. I'm just the same at work. I give it 100% and am totally committed. I think of this attitude as a positive but I've been told many times that I don't get that balance right. That leads me to anxiety when things don't go according to plan and I easily become over-sensitive to what I see as criticism even if it isn't intended that way.
I will be interested in how others who have been in the same position respond.
Just know you're not alone xx
This isn't to do with that lady...that e-mail was a bit short but it was factual. It stated simply that she didn't need you to clean tomorrow..not she didn't want you to clean for her ever again! Not that you've done a terrible job! Her house is in a mess with the construction so just maybe there's little point cleaning it up until the work is completed?
This is to do with you. Maybe your need for perfection and eagerness to please is because of a fear of rejection?
I'm doing a bit of amateur psychology here so please feel free to ignore. I'm just the same at work. I give it 100% and am totally committed. I think of this attitude as a positive but I've been told many times that I don't get that balance right. That leads me to anxiety when things don't go according to plan and I easily become over-sensitive to what I see as criticism even if it isn't intended that way.
I will be interested in how others who have been in the same position respond.
Just know you're not alone xx
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Carlotta - has anything happened in the past that would give you reason to think that her reason for cancelling isn't genuine? The lady doctor sounds like she has a lot going on right now between two kids and a full construction crew at her house. That may be why she wrote you such a short message. Also, having a construction crew in the house would be a very good reason not to need cleaning on that day. A construction crew of 6 would almost certainly undo any cleaning in a matter of minutes or hours.
Have you asked her for feedback on your work in the past? Maybe that would help you build more trust with the person. In work settings I would often ask for feedback after certain projects were done so I could be more effective at work. I am a perfectionist in certain areas of my life, and work is one of them. It actually decreased my stress to get more feedback, because if I didn't I would start assuming that there were things that I had done wrong that were unjustified.
The lady doctor might appreciate your work more if you ask for feedback, and tell her that the reason for doing so is because you take pride in your work. It also provides a layer of security for you, because she would have a tougher time terminating the work relationship down the road. It is much harder to let someone go that has asked for feedback and delivered on it in my opinion.
Have you asked her for feedback on your work in the past? Maybe that would help you build more trust with the person. In work settings I would often ask for feedback after certain projects were done so I could be more effective at work. I am a perfectionist in certain areas of my life, and work is one of them. It actually decreased my stress to get more feedback, because if I didn't I would start assuming that there were things that I had done wrong that were unjustified.
The lady doctor might appreciate your work more if you ask for feedback, and tell her that the reason for doing so is because you take pride in your work. It also provides a layer of security for you, because she would have a tougher time terminating the work relationship down the road. It is much harder to let someone go that has asked for feedback and delivered on it in my opinion.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Oh Boy Carlotta lol , this could have been me writing this .
I totally get it !
The one thing i do know is that Doctors are very practical people .
They say what they need to say in a few words , unlike you or i would have done in the reverse .
If it was us , we would have fretted sending the email out right ?
We would be stressing over how to word it so as not to offend the cleaner , lwriting something like " I'm really , really sorry but we are having construction , i hope it doesn't put you out ...etc etc etc ....
Knowing the Doctors at work , they would say as little as possible , just like she did .
She would have clicked ' send' and never thought another thing about it .
If she wasn't happy , I'm sure she definitely would have added something such as , next time could you please pay a bit more attention to ...the bathroom ..or whatever .
My opinion and this is what i would do if i was you , get another client just like the old lady .
She makes you feel good about yourself and let's you know how worthwhile you are .
She would be looking forward to your company
I think you may feel the doc has more expectations , so you go above and beyond .
The bottom line is . You are lovely
from everything I've read from you and the people you help. You would be that way in person too .
If your best isn't good enough for her , then she is not good enough for you .
But having said that , I'm positive she was happy with your work and like me , you have overanalysed it .
Let it go love , stop torturing yourself , she is lucky to have you xxx
I totally get it !
The one thing i do know is that Doctors are very practical people .
They say what they need to say in a few words , unlike you or i would have done in the reverse .
If it was us , we would have fretted sending the email out right ?
We would be stressing over how to word it so as not to offend the cleaner , lwriting something like " I'm really , really sorry but we are having construction , i hope it doesn't put you out ...etc etc etc ....
Knowing the Doctors at work , they would say as little as possible , just like she did .
She would have clicked ' send' and never thought another thing about it .
If she wasn't happy , I'm sure she definitely would have added something such as , next time could you please pay a bit more attention to ...the bathroom ..or whatever .
My opinion and this is what i would do if i was you , get another client just like the old lady .
She makes you feel good about yourself and let's you know how worthwhile you are .
She would be looking forward to your company
I think you may feel the doc has more expectations , so you go above and beyond .
The bottom line is . You are lovely
from everything I've read from you and the people you help. You would be that way in person too .If your best isn't good enough for her , then she is not good enough for you .
But having said that , I'm positive she was happy with your work and like me , you have overanalysed it .
Let it go love , stop torturing yourself , she is lucky to have you xxx
Behold the power of NO
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Thank you. It is not just that one client. I have done it all my life starting as a little girl at schiil and throughout my work history. I also do it at mt regular job which I ve done for the past 7 years and where I get great evaluations.
:*(
:*(
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 109
Hi Carlotta!
I too own a cleaning business! I can fully get what you're saying.
Only 1 of my clients is regularly at home while I clean. The first time she canceled due too going out of town I was crushed! I thought she must not trust me-what have I done? I actually asked her if that was why then felt stupid because she was flabbergasted that i thought that! Almost a year later i clean every Friday unless she's out of .
I've had a client cancel due to renovations-because I used to paint I wasn't fazed by that one! You will probably do the construction clean which is a ton of work! Just don't use a house vacuum on dry wall dust. The dust is too fine and will hurt the suction of your vacuum. Use a shop vacc for that. Good luck!
I too own a cleaning business! I can fully get what you're saying.
Only 1 of my clients is regularly at home while I clean. The first time she canceled due too going out of town I was crushed! I thought she must not trust me-what have I done? I actually asked her if that was why then felt stupid because she was flabbergasted that i thought that! Almost a year later i clean every Friday unless she's out of .
I've had a client cancel due to renovations-because I used to paint I wasn't fazed by that one! You will probably do the construction clean which is a ton of work
! Just don't use a house vacuum on dry wall dust. The dust is too fine and will hurt the suction of your vacuum. Use a shop vacc for that. Good luck!
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