baby3times

Hello, I guess I don't really know where to start, I am looking for any advise or stories that may help me feel some hope or help me know where I am going with this relationship I am in.

I am 23 years old. I have been with an addict since 2010. I was with an addict a short while before getting pregnant with my first son who was born 2011. At the beginning I didn't really care about him doing drugs however I didn't know meth was how it is, once I got pregnant it changed. I don't want a life of drugs around my kids. We went through a lot of up and downs together and not together him leaving to do drugs. He went to jail a month before our first was born and was in there 30 days. He kept himself off meth but used other things, like drinking/ which is a gateway for him to take off to get meth, which he has tried a couple times. between this, he was mostly clean with few slip ups. I got pregnant with our second son and he was born in 2012. He was doing pretty good some slip ups here and there still... I kept threatening Ill leave if u do it again and I never really left him maybe broke it off for a couple days always went back though, he always talked me into it. He ended up on felony probation for running from the cops for his first charge before our first son was born. I ended up having our second son, and 3-4 months later he ended taking off after drinking to get meth, and got a dui and from running foot from a accident. which totaled our car, leaving me with two very young children a 4 month old and a 17 month old. He ended up doing 11 months in a program that was suppose to help with his addiction. Of course I took him back when he got out. (I'm as stupid as they come). He did good for about a month and then things just got worse. He took off and I was so angry I went out with some gfs and it was a bachelorett party we went to bars and well they had a scavenger hunt list including men from bars (although most were dumb some dancing, some asking silly stupid questioning-No kissing or anything like that) and I pretty much did it all on the list, and well one of my gfs posted pics on Facebook, and well it kinda made him really angry. He used even more and oh god for about a month it was hell. I felt bad about what I did so just let everything happen. Then it came to this point now after it got a little better he couldn't stop using. I then kicked him out and he went and stayed at his parents, which is not a good place to stay his bro/sis do meth as well. I didn't want to put him in a worse situation, I even told him he didn't have to leave at that point till he got some money saved up for his own place. He choose to leave anyways. I went and saw him we talked on the phone even after kicking him out I was trying to show some kind of support. He went to leave his parents late one night got pulled over and put in jail. His parents bailed him out, then about 4 days later his P.O shows up at my house and I tell them hes not here cause I sill didn't want him back. He ended telling his P.O about his drug use and so now his doing an intensive inpatient program, and has been away from us for about 4 months and wont get out till probably end of august begging of September. Here I am again raising two children by myself while he was only out for about 7-8 months since his last 11 month visit to a program. And I must add that I am due end of august with our third child. I am just so tired of this and I cant trust a word he says, My poor children have no father. Idk what to do? I have talked to him told him I was done and didn't talk to him for awhile but I ended talking to him again - Guilt/ and his family- Now I told him I am going to take him back as long as he continues his recovery and we would do counseling together for the lack of trust and communication in our relationship. I wish I would of found this site sooner cause now I'm thinking maybe I've made the wrong choice and I would rather raise these kids on my own then with him in and out of our lives. I have hope for his recovery and want to be there for him, but I've gotten screwed over every time, so have my kids. He says he really wants to do good and get help and that's why he was honest with his P.O and he is glad hes getting the help, I can tell some difference from his letters the way he thinks now is different. I just don't know. I don't want to put myself in another bad situation or my children, but with his family being drug abusers I don't want them around and Idk how likely he is to stay away from them. I wonder if I should just pick up and leave with my kids to get them away from them all...Only thing is my family lives here. I don't want to leave my job and life here, But I don't want my kids around this stuff!? Am I hoping for to much of a change and enabling him to much? Should I just say I'm done and be done with him? Or should I stick to my word let him come home, so he can finish his recovery with us, and we can do counseling? I'm confused on what to do I've stuck around for so long on hope for a family with him and our boys. I am codependent for sure and I need help changing this, so maybe I can make a clear headed decision.

Ann

Baby, a meth addict does not a father make. He may biologically be the father of these children, but from what I see he is not a "father figure" at all. Do you want the male role model for your children to be an active addict?

Maybe reach out before another child is born and find support for you and your babies and keep yourselves safe. Living on social assistance is better than living with someone active in addiction, and it's a whole lot safer too.

Please take care of yourself and your children. It's not likely he will change any time soon, but YOU can change today and find a better path to follow.

Hugs

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. My hope while you're here is you take advantage of our collective experience so that you, in your own words, start making "clear headed" decisions. Others will be by to greet you, but I have a couple of observations.

When someone your age comes to us, it makes me sad, -- even though I'm also grateful that you've come to us for guidance and support. And it makes me sad because, at 23, you have a long life ahead of you. So allow me to ask you a question: when are you going to decide you and your children deserve better than this?

Normally, I don't like to be as blunt as I'm about to be. But when a new member is this young and there are young children involved, I make an exception.

Run. Run the other way. Run the other way as fast as you can.

I can assure you, based on the collective experience of the Board, he will not change. The odds that he will change are exceedingly low. And you and your children cannot afford to hitch your wagon to someone like this.

You are not a priority to him. Your children are not a priority to himself. His only priority is drugs. And if you stay connected to him, you will always be in position where your well-being and the well-being of your children are compromised.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. No games. No BS.

baby3times

Ok... so I should run away, its hard to hear this for aome reason I was hoping for better responses, but as I was writing this I could see more of what pur lifes have been like and the things he put us through. I am wanting more blunt answers cause I. Don't always get things when people beat around the bush. It hurts to know what I need to do cause all I've ever wanted for the last 4 years was our family together. So what I think I need to do is custody stuff, should I write him explaining myself? Why ive chossen to leave him? What kinda of help should I get? I am still going to have many more questions and I know I'm going to be hurt forever if he never changes, although from what it sounds like is slim chances of him doing so, I don't want to wait around, I need to try to keep strong from him, what scares me is idk if I can do it without the right help, and I'm pretty confused on what that might be.

hopeful4

O sweetie, go. You deserve more. And as Ann said, a meth addict does not a father make. You AND YOUR CHILDREN deserve more than this.

The thing is, he is in rehab b/c he had no other choice. Addiction is hard to beat, especially meth. So, my advise would be not to run back to him b/c you are frustrated. Let him worry about him. You have yourself and three children to look after. He is not a child, he is a grown adult.

I would recommend a couple of things. A support group so you have people around you who understand what you are going through. Celebrate Recovery saved me during a hard time, and most have free babysitting. I also recommend getting therapy from someone who either specializes in addiction and families of addicts or a therapist that is very familiar with addiction and what it does to a family.

Lastly, don't listen to a word that comes out of his mouth. That ship has sailed. I would say to watch his actions WHILE YOU ARE AWAY FROM HIM, from afar, for a very very long period of time. That is what will prove if he has it in him to beat this addiction or not.

Tight Hugs. I am sorry for what brings you here but very glad you are here.

XXX

Sadie33

My advice is stop worrying about him, and focus on you and your 3 precious children. He is a grown man, who has to deal with the consequences of HIS choices. But those 3 babies are counting on you. Try looking into al-anon meetings in your area. I know many members on this board have found them to be extremely helpful. You said all you ever wanted was your family to together, but is this the life you envisioned for yourself or children? I read a quote the other day that was very inspiring "just because the past didn't turn out how you wanted doesn't mean the future cant be better than you imagined".

incitingsilence

Do yourself a big favor if you want to leave don’t say a word to him. He isn’t there and you have time to plan at this point anyway … but remember he can leave rehab at any time unless he is court ordered there. Just plan and get out as quickly, quietly and safely as you possibly can.

And you do not have to be strong for him. He is a grown man, remember that, and capable of taking care of himself.

I don’t know the answer to how to get out, enlist friends and family, call 211 … it is a one stop center that can direct you to all available services in your area.
If he has been verbally or physically abusive you can also call you local domestic violence shelter.

I can not stress enough that you can not compete with meth, there is no way at all.

Take good care of you, and of your children. That is the only thing you need to worry about.

zoso77

And what do you consider a "better" response?

All of us on the Board have been through painful ordeals with a loved one who has or had addiction issues. And I can tell you that most of the time, the relationship with the addict does not end well. Your situation right now is critical: you have very young children who are depending on you. So I cannot, in good conscience, tell you to hang in with him.

Think of it in these terms: he cannot even take care of himself. So if he can't take care of himself, then he can't be a responsible partner in a romantic relationship, and he sure as hell can't be a responsible parent.

So, it's really up to you to take care of yourself and your children.

I encourage you to read as many of the posts as you can. We've had some new members join recently that are experiencing trouble with their addicted partners, and I bet you'll be able to relate to their stories a lot.

baby3times

My family has tild me to leave him since I was pregnet with my first. I wish I would of listened but I do have 2 beautiful boys out of it and one on the way. I want to def go to councling my boys need it as well from certain things they've witnessed. Idk when to start them ones two and the other 3? I guess I was hoping for a response like "everything will change" don't give up" but I suppose that's kinda unrelistic responses. I do worry about his parents they'll try to communicate to me about him, and want to be involed with the boys, they try taking them overnight, or for a day of activates. Which I dnt worry to much over besides the fact that they allow people with drug issues around, so i don't wanna punish them, but I need to set rules I suppose... why I think moving away would be easyer and better for me and my kids. Thank you guys for ypur advise. Ill figure out help calling 211, also talking to my children's pediatrician. I just want no influence like this for my kids, and want us to be happy for once

baby3times

I have read a lot of posts already and will contunie to, they have helped open my eyes even more beforw posting this which just confirms wat I do need to do.

needingabreak

Baby I know it is so hard to read the hard truth but if we all sat here and said he will be fine and not to leave we would not only be lying, we would be doing you a disservice.
You and your children deserve better.
Now, while he is away, is the perfect time to figure this all out. Why do you feel you owe him any explanation at all about your future plans? Saying your children have witnessed some things pretty much tells you how important it is to shield and protect them. It isn't fair to put yourself or your precious babies through anything that is not healthy.
They need to feel loved and cared for just like you.
Right now, focus on your priority. Trying to think of everything "down the road" will only overwhelm you.
Try going to an al anon or nar anon meeting. Call social services and see if there is anything they can help you with. Are you ok with housing right now? Can you get counseling?
There is nothing wrong with grandparents wanting to see their grandchildren for now unless you feel they are not safe with them.
Take him out of the picture and figure this out, how you will do this, on your own.
You deserve better and so do your children.

baby3times

I called 211 and they gave me a number to call for al anon. I'm going to go file for custody Monday, and well I know the hardest part is gonna be when he's out. Idk I feel I owe his explanation cause last time I talked to him he thinks everythings fine, and I need to tell him he's gotta go somewhere else when he's out. I do have housing my parents arw helping me a lot. Help with my rent. My kids have medicaid so. Maybe we can get family counsliing through it. He's parents already called me telling me he's called and wants to talk to me, so km going to have to tell them my decision.

baby3times

I have thought about this life were living a lot and that's why I am here. I needed other people I guess to tell me it was okay to leave and I'm not a bad person for doing so. I've put every effort on our family so really I already ffeel a huge plate lifted off my shoulders.... I do appreciate u guys taking the time to talk to me and help me with this decision I've been running from. Thank you so much

incitingsilence

Trust me when I say don’t tell anyone if possible … just your parents and swear them to secrecy!

You don’t owe him an explanation now. And since he is in rehab he should be offered some kind of aftercare. He has the ability to do the next right thing and take care of himself … allow him to.

When you have everything all set to go on your end, then you can let him know. It will keep the chaos that will come I am sure at bay for now. You have enough to worry about.

And his parents, well you don’t know what will be there. I wouldn’t tell them anything now except that you have been through a lot and that the kids have been too and you need time to work on yourself.

You know if he isn’t there with you he might have to be with them. At times parents are playing the gf’s and wives because then their children aren’t their problem anymore and yet they have these eyes and ears watching them … not that their adult children should ever be their problem to begin with … they leave others to do the codie dirty work. ( sorry don’t mean to offend anyone but I do see this a lot) and you will know the truth when you do let them in on things. Again you don’t need anything else to worry about.

You should be able to get the kids counseling. Talk to their doctor and see who they recommend.

Not fully knowing your situation …

I suggest to make sure to take advantage of whatever services you can get. Make sure you look into everything, heating, cooling and renters assistance … many counties have emergency programs too that help with rent and utilities and food.
I would also suggest looking into furthering your education if you haven’t went to college… or taking advantage of local job programs. There are some awesome programs through county colleges. I know it will be hard with 3 kids , but with the accelerated classes and online classes you may be able to take courses here and there and it will be worth it in the end.

baby3times

My parents would tell me hus parents were on his side and if they truely cared for me or my children they wouldn't try to get me to stay with him. I think I have a battle ahead of me but its worth it, and I know where to get assistance when I need it, but I'm truely lucky I have my parents support and help with everything. I acctually work at a daycare where my kids attend and hopefully will further my education in something with children. I've been thinking a lot of furthering my educaton so I can provide for them on my own without my parents help. It helps a lot. Although since he's on felony probabtion he has to tell them where he's going and get approved and I've already approved it, so I'm kinda in a tie here about him coming back here. Maybe I can find a way around it.