I can be very determined, but...

Old 06-26-2014, 10:34 PM
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I can be very determined, but...

enough is enough.

If you read back on any of my previous posts you'll see, last time I was here I'd left my ABF. Well, we patched things up, went to Europe together, had an ok time, came back and broke up again. Not because of drugs but because he's a self-absorbed, insensitive a$$. That was a year ago - and since then we've been on & off so many times. I knew it wasn't gonna last.
Last Labor Day weekend I wound up in the hospital for 5 days, diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. He left and went hunting for the weekend. At that point I DEFINITELY knew I could never depend on him to be here when I needed him. But, being freaked out and scared I still hung on because I needed someone at that time. He had his moments where he was great, and sweet, and caring, and took care of me. But he was still selfish and self-centered as hell. he was there when I needed him as long as it didn't interfere with his plans. So frustrating.

Anyway, once again it is over and I'm pretty sure this is it. I'm sad about it but I'm so tired now, I have no more energy to try to make it work.

He hurt himself at work, and didnt want to report it because they'd make him do a drug test. So he bought a Walgreen's drug test and it came up all negative. He was on the back porch talking to a friend and said 'Last Sunday I bought a 40 (of crack), but I didn't tell J -- I just let her think the drug test was to check for the percocet I'd taken when I hurt my arm."
I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach - again. His response to me about it? First - "I didn't tell you because I knew you'd get upset." then "I don't have to report to you everything I do." I told him I can't trust him anymore. How am I supposed to??? He left and we didnt talk for a few days, I finally emailed him and asked if we were gonna talk, and he replied "You said you can't trust me, so we're finished." So I guess it's MY fault???

Oh BTW - when he hurt himself at work, he also made some serious safety violation -- and lost his job. This was 2 days after his crack binge. So now he's 47, unemployed, and living in his parents basement - and still doing drugs and drinking too much, I'm sure.

It makes my stomach hurt. I'm not heartbroken, I'm sad and tired. I do miss him - the fun parts anyway, but I just don't know what were lies or not.

THIS THIS THIS!!!

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
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Old 06-27-2014, 06:11 AM
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Big hugs to you, my friend.

Love truly is impossible with someone in active addiction.

just know you are not alone, I'm feeling just as you are.

I am writing it all off as just a moment in time, no need to try and figure out what was true, I'm going with all meaningless words, lies, lies, lies from a man whose mind is controlled by a drug. The human brain is the most powerful organ in the human body, for it to be polluted with alcohol on a daily basis, is not going to have a positive result.

I am trying like hell to stick to the facts of the matter. I cannot allow my emotions to keep running me off in the ditch.

Keep posting, get it all out, we truly understand.
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:39 PM
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Walker, you seem like an incredibly strong person. My heart goes out to you.. xo
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Old 06-28-2014, 08:52 PM
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Walker, it is OK to grieve this relationship. It is OK to grieve about what this man could be if he kicked his addiction. Thanks for sharing and I hope your MS is in remission or well controlled. This kind off/on again relationship stress is likely not good for it?

Peace and hugs!
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