Wife of addict...help please!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Wife of addict...help please!
My husband of 10 years is an addict! I'm going to explain my story, anyone and everyone please feel free to comment. At this point I'll accept any advice given.
When I met my husband some 15 years ago, he was such a good person, healthy, happy, took great care of me. One night I went out with my girlfriends and when I came home he was sitting at our dining room table snorting coke with a couple of guys I had never met. I asked him to come into the bedroom and told him I was uncomfortable with what was going on, and I wanted it taken out of our house. That was the first time I had ever heard, seen, or just knew anything about him doing any sort of drug. He assured me that night it was a one time thing, and four about 10 years I never suspected him of doing any sort of drug.
The first I realized we had a big problem was when he called me and said he was going out with some guys from work for an hour or two and would be home around 8pm. Well 8pm came and went, so did 20 hours! He turned his phone off and took over $1000 out of our bank account. He finally came home about 21 hours later and told me he was driving around doing coke all night and day. Needless to say I freaked out! He went to bed and got up 3 days later! I removed all money from our accounts took his debit and credit cards and began to issue him enough money to get to work and home. After about three months I gave him his debit card back and everything was great, I didn't think he was an addict just thought he went on a binge and it was over. Well was I wrong! Another three months later he went missing again for 24 hours. He would come home and sleep for days and be fine for six months and it would happen again. During the sober six months his Mood is great he is happy. We have a 10 year old daughter who is too old for me to hide this from anymore, she does a little everytime this happens. Especially when the police come because I report him missing! This happens every three months now and I don't see any signs of him using daily just binges. I could be wrong though, I wouldn't know where he would get the money if he was using daily?! I'm also not sure if he's using coke or crack?! What is the difference? Are signs different? Is he an addict or a binge user? I will leave him if this happens again, and he is well aware of that. Is that the best plan? Is it best to leave him? He has been in several out patient rehabs.
When I met my husband some 15 years ago, he was such a good person, healthy, happy, took great care of me. One night I went out with my girlfriends and when I came home he was sitting at our dining room table snorting coke with a couple of guys I had never met. I asked him to come into the bedroom and told him I was uncomfortable with what was going on, and I wanted it taken out of our house. That was the first time I had ever heard, seen, or just knew anything about him doing any sort of drug. He assured me that night it was a one time thing, and four about 10 years I never suspected him of doing any sort of drug.
The first I realized we had a big problem was when he called me and said he was going out with some guys from work for an hour or two and would be home around 8pm. Well 8pm came and went, so did 20 hours! He turned his phone off and took over $1000 out of our bank account. He finally came home about 21 hours later and told me he was driving around doing coke all night and day. Needless to say I freaked out! He went to bed and got up 3 days later! I removed all money from our accounts took his debit and credit cards and began to issue him enough money to get to work and home. After about three months I gave him his debit card back and everything was great, I didn't think he was an addict just thought he went on a binge and it was over. Well was I wrong! Another three months later he went missing again for 24 hours. He would come home and sleep for days and be fine for six months and it would happen again. During the sober six months his Mood is great he is happy. We have a 10 year old daughter who is too old for me to hide this from anymore, she does a little everytime this happens. Especially when the police come because I report him missing! This happens every three months now and I don't see any signs of him using daily just binges. I could be wrong though, I wouldn't know where he would get the money if he was using daily?! I'm also not sure if he's using coke or crack?! What is the difference? Are signs different? Is he an addict or a binge user? I will leave him if this happens again, and he is well aware of that. Is that the best plan? Is it best to leave him? He has been in several out patient rehabs.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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I don't understand why he does what he does. Or what makes him lie, steal, and destroy us as a family. Is he really driving around doing coke or crack for 20-24 hours straight? Is that what happens? Uggghhh...I love him to death but I know one of these times he won't come back! Just lost! Need advice.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Hi Kathleen. Welcome to SR.
I am sorry no one has answered your posts yet; rest assured many will; this is just a slow time of day. There is usually more posting and response activity in the evening (EDT).
I am a recovering alcoholic and don't have any experience. I am very sorry, though, that you are in this situation. I pray everything works out well for you.
Hang tight; someone will be along who understands.
I am sorry no one has answered your posts yet; rest assured many will; this is just a slow time of day. There is usually more posting and response activity in the evening (EDT).
I am a recovering alcoholic and don't have any experience. I am very sorry, though, that you are in this situation. I pray everything works out well for you.
Hang tight; someone will be along who understands.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 18
Soberleigh,
Thank you very much for this! I'm trying to patiently wait, I don't know where else to turn. I do not have any friends or family that will not immediately judge and make this situation worse. I truly wish you the best in your recoveries! Keep strong for yourself and your loved ones.
Thank you very much for this! I'm trying to patiently wait, I don't know where else to turn. I do not have any friends or family that will not immediately judge and make this situation worse. I truly wish you the best in your recoveries! Keep strong for yourself and your loved ones.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,859
Thanks, Kathleen.
SR has been a wonderful support system. (I white-knuckled the first two years of my sobriety while caring for a dying parent - going it alone is definitely NOT the way to go!!!)
Hang tight. Keep bumping the post if necessary. I don't venture too often into the Friends and Families threads; realizing the pain that addiction causes loved ones is a bitter pill to swallow; it was great to meet you!!!!
SR has been a wonderful support system. (I white-knuckled the first two years of my sobriety while caring for a dying parent - going it alone is definitely NOT the way to go!!!)
Hang tight. Keep bumping the post if necessary. I don't venture too often into the Friends and Families threads; realizing the pain that addiction causes loved ones is a bitter pill to swallow; it was great to meet you!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Can you search online for a NarAnon or AlAnon meeting near you? They are free and are for the family of addicts/users.
My ex husband had a similar pattern to what you are describing. I know there was nothing I could have done to stop it.
You can protect yourself and your daughter from his drug abuse.
My ex husband had a similar pattern to what you are describing. I know there was nothing I could have done to stop it.
You can protect yourself and your daughter from his drug abuse.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Bimini blue,
I have gone to meetings, even had a therapist. I go and feel better about things, and then he starts to do well and I stop. He stops his meetings also and I can't force him to keep going. Talking to a therapist really bothered me, they acted like I should be happy that he just binges and isn't a full fledged addict, but I think he is. I feel like they think I'm being dramatic, grrrrrrr! Even his psychiatrist was the same way when he was going to him. The meetings help the most, people with personal experience really help the most, they understand. I guess I should continue with the meetings even though he doesn't continue with his. Thank you for your help!
I have gone to meetings, even had a therapist. I go and feel better about things, and then he starts to do well and I stop. He stops his meetings also and I can't force him to keep going. Talking to a therapist really bothered me, they acted like I should be happy that he just binges and isn't a full fledged addict, but I think he is. I feel like they think I'm being dramatic, grrrrrrr! Even his psychiatrist was the same way when he was going to him. The meetings help the most, people with personal experience really help the most, they understand. I guess I should continue with the meetings even though he doesn't continue with his. Thank you for your help!
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
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The gone for days/sleeping for days and the amount of money sound like a crack binge to me. I can't say for sure about your husband but chances are he is not alone when he does this. There are usually several people involved.
Why does he do it? He does it because he is an addict. He lies, cheats and steals to support that addiction. He protects it like you would protect your child. There is nothing you or your child can do to change that. It is all up to him to want to admit it, accept it and then do something about it. He has to want help and get honest.
It sounds like the binges are getting closer together. That can be good or bad. It can spiral to everyday but he may hit bottom before that or he may not. There is no way to tell.
The threat of losing his family may shake him up to seek help but it is no guarantee. Even it if does there is no guarantee is will last. That is up to him. Recovery is not an in and out process. It takes work up front and then staying vigil to maintain it.
The best thing you can do is to take care of you and your daughter. Look into Al-anon and there is also Alateen.
There is nothing you have done to cause this and nothing you can do to stop it. It is his choice. He has to want help. Getting help for you and your daughter is the best choice to make right now for you.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard and it hurts. Stick around and get some support and information. The friends and family threads are good place to start. Hang in there, everything is going to be okay
Why does he do it? He does it because he is an addict. He lies, cheats and steals to support that addiction. He protects it like you would protect your child. There is nothing you or your child can do to change that. It is all up to him to want to admit it, accept it and then do something about it. He has to want help and get honest.
It sounds like the binges are getting closer together. That can be good or bad. It can spiral to everyday but he may hit bottom before that or he may not. There is no way to tell.
The threat of losing his family may shake him up to seek help but it is no guarantee. Even it if does there is no guarantee is will last. That is up to him. Recovery is not an in and out process. It takes work up front and then staying vigil to maintain it.
The best thing you can do is to take care of you and your daughter. Look into Al-anon and there is also Alateen.
There is nothing you have done to cause this and nothing you can do to stop it. It is his choice. He has to want help. Getting help for you and your daughter is the best choice to make right now for you.
I am sorry you are going through this. It is hard and it hurts. Stick around and get some support and information. The friends and family threads are good place to start. Hang in there, everything is going to be okay
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Welcome to the Board. I apologize for responding late to this, as I hit the gym and the store before I got home.
He does what he does because he's an addict. As soon as he made the decision to try coke, he compromised himself by giving himself permission to do something inherently dangerous. And once he experienced that high, he wanted to get it again, and again, and again. When an addict is in the throes of addiction, nothing else matters but the feeling of being under the influence. Not their spouse, their children, their siblings or parents or friends. Nothing. And this will continue unabated until your AH decides to stop and follows that decision up with a plan of action that he's committed to.
You're amongst friends here. All of us, in one form or another, have been touched by a loved one's addiction. Some of us have been more wounded than others. But we understand your confusion and your heartache, and we're here for you during this difficult time.
I encourage you to read and learn as much as you can here. You need to fully understand what you're up against, and what you're up against is a mutherf*cker that destroys anything and everything in its path. Addiction does not play fair. Remember that.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Originally Posted by Kathleen19 
I don't understand why he does what he does. Or what makes him lie, steal, and destroy us as a family. Is he really driving around doing coke or crack for 20-24 hours straight? Is that what happens? Uggghhh...I love him to death but I know one of these times he won't come back! Just lost! Need advice.
You're amongst friends here. All of us, in one form or another, have been touched by a loved one's addiction. Some of us have been more wounded than others. But we understand your confusion and your heartache, and we're here for you during this difficult time.
I encourage you to read and learn as much as you can here. You need to fully understand what you're up against, and what you're up against is a mutherf*cker that destroys anything and everything in its path. Addiction does not play fair. Remember that.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,854
My husbands cocaine use followed the same type of pattern too Kathleen. The first time I found out was when he went missing, then came home and told me and said he would stop. Then it happened again and he was gone a lot longer, police involved and all sorts of stuff. I cant give you advice on what to do about your relationship, but I understand how scary it is. I dont want to relive it, and Im sure you dont either.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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so VERY sorry for what brings you here....none of us got here on our BEST day that's for sure.
i'm glad to hear that you have experience with meetings and enjoyed them, i can only add to the vote to toodle on back to them, soon! see that's the thing about "recovery" be it for us or them....it's not a three month and then all is better thing, it's a FOR LIFE kind of thing.
otherwise it's like trying to learn french or shwahili, but only doing so for the first two months of each year. by the time you get around the start of the next year, you've likely forgotten most of what you've learned.
you asked is it crack or coke? impossible to tell. i suspect crack...the gone for days part is the clue...the nose can only snort so much cocaine before the membranes swell so much you just can't inhale any more. i was a crack addict. and even tho it's the same drug, the high is way different. WAY. and all that is on the mind is MORE.
addicts don't have to use every day to be addicts. it's not how often they use or even what they use....it's what happens WHEN THEY USE.
you said one more time and you are done. do you really mean that? cuz he's done this a bunch of times already. and do you have a plan? do you have money in a safe place? are you sure he would leave if you asked him to? do you have somewhere to go? can you support yourself? those are things that should be carefully thought out, planned and put in to action.
i'm glad to hear that you have experience with meetings and enjoyed them, i can only add to the vote to toodle on back to them, soon! see that's the thing about "recovery" be it for us or them....it's not a three month and then all is better thing, it's a FOR LIFE kind of thing.
otherwise it's like trying to learn french or shwahili, but only doing so for the first two months of each year. by the time you get around the start of the next year, you've likely forgotten most of what you've learned.
you asked is it crack or coke? impossible to tell. i suspect crack...the gone for days part is the clue...the nose can only snort so much cocaine before the membranes swell so much you just can't inhale any more. i was a crack addict. and even tho it's the same drug, the high is way different. WAY. and all that is on the mind is MORE.
addicts don't have to use every day to be addicts. it's not how often they use or even what they use....it's what happens WHEN THEY USE.
you said one more time and you are done. do you really mean that? cuz he's done this a bunch of times already. and do you have a plan? do you have money in a safe place? are you sure he would leave if you asked him to? do you have somewhere to go? can you support yourself? those are things that should be carefully thought out, planned and put in to action.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Thank you very much for the honesty and support! I already feel a bit better. I really think the hardest thing is the time between binges and everything seems so good, and then off he goes. I'm not sure how after the couple days of detox it's seems like he is great, you would never know there was a problem. It's like he makes a decision to fight this, which seems effortless, but then out of nowhere he loses the battle. For that reason I feel like I should continue to stick it out with, I always feel so close to him winning! I feel like everytime this happens I enable him by staying and trying to help him through. But I now understand I have nothing to do with his battle!
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I really do mean that I will go. I have never used that as an option to him before. I can not let my daughter see him do this to himself. I have opened a seperate bank account from humans have money saved. I can go live with my sister, although she has no idea what is going on! But she would never not let me in. I make a decent amount of money, the problem is if I leave, he can't support himself. He does have a full time job, but could not support a home. So I also need someone to tell me it's ok to leave him if it should happen again. I just need reinforcements and support saying it's the right thing. He's two weeks clean and I'm just planning now. I have just explained to him lastnight that I will leave next time, I waited for him to be in his right mind so he understood. Or at least as right of a mind I can get.
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He has been to meetings three times last week and twice so far this week. I really need him to be honest with me and feel like he's not. Idk what exactly what he's doing, who he's with, and where he is. He always says alone and coke. He always smells like a chemical plant when he comes back from his binges too. Not burnt chemical but a real strong chemical odor coming through his pores. He just goes to dealers house, he doesn't call, text, Facebook, or anything. When he's gone I check all phone records and he doesn't use the phone the whole time he's gone. He may use a pay phone if they still exist, and I can't find any evidence of a secret phone.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am so sorry for your troubles, fears, anger, and frustration. I have to agree with Anvil that you really must get yourself back to NarAnon and keep going. I am the mother of a 20 yo daughter addicted to heroin, and now possibly meth. I can tell you that the only things that have kept me sane are my NarAnon meetings and SR. Whenever I take a few weeks off from meetings, I slip back into either numbness or avoidance, and neither help me at all. NarAnon is for you and you only, to keep you strong and to keep you feeling supported in all the insanity that addiction reaps. I don't say this lightly, but I think you might consider living separately from your husband for awhile. It may be the best thing you can do for your daughter and yourself right now and even in the long run. This is not good for her long term mental health/development, especially. Take care!
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He probably won’t be capable of being honest until he can be honest with himself. And if you are looking for answers from him well you won’t get many that you really need.
Keep it as simple as possible, accept what you see, listen to your gut and keep your boundaries strong. This is a nasty drug, and crack addicts … yeah I think crack too, can be highly unbalanced and unpredictable using and coming down. He is an addict and he will progress if he does not get himself some help.
And yes you can spend that amount of money on a crack binge easy.
Could he be using alone, absolutely.
Please and I say this because you need to make sure you are ok. Go to the doctor and get tested for STD’s for your own peace of mind. I knew my husband wouldn’t share needles and I certainly knew he used alone, well hell he had no choice everyone else had long since died from their own heroin use when he picked back up again. But I wouldn’t have been at all looking out for me if I didn’t talk to my doctor and get tested.
Take good care of you and your child!
Keep it as simple as possible, accept what you see, listen to your gut and keep your boundaries strong. This is a nasty drug, and crack addicts … yeah I think crack too, can be highly unbalanced and unpredictable using and coming down. He is an addict and he will progress if he does not get himself some help.
And yes you can spend that amount of money on a crack binge easy.
Could he be using alone, absolutely.
Please and I say this because you need to make sure you are ok. Go to the doctor and get tested for STD’s for your own peace of mind. I knew my husband wouldn’t share needles and I certainly knew he used alone, well hell he had no choice everyone else had long since died from their own heroin use when he picked back up again. But I wouldn’t have been at all looking out for me if I didn’t talk to my doctor and get tested.
Take good care of you and your child!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Thank you very much everyone! I already feel a bit better knowing that there are so many people like me, or fighting your own battles that can offer me advice and support. I really appreciate everyone taking the time to help me, it means more than you know. I appreciate the honesty which I really haven't received anywhere else. Even in meetings, I feel like everyone should be more honest with themselves and the reality of this disease! I hope to god I am as strong as I think I can be. And I hope to god my husband and all of you find the strength to get through your battles. Anyone else with any more advice or anything to help me through the reality of this is definitely welcome.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Viera,FL
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I've been married to, divorced from and TRIED to reconcile with an addict husband. Two days ago I told him he had to go - again - for the last time. You'll be better for it as will your daughter. Since I had a "taste" of life without him for over a year I KNOW it gets better. It sucks because you love them, hate them, want to hug them and want to choke them all at the same time. It also stinks for the kids, BUT...removing the MOST detrimental influence from their lives will be worth it to allow them a peaceful, healthy home to grow up in. I wish you the very best. God Bless
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