KAD

...to remove any temptation to drink from someone in your life you knew to be a struggling, recovering alcoholic? I'm no longer involved with this woman, but I was just remembering how my ex-SO was well aware of my alcohol problems. She even caught me sneaking drinks in the middle of the night and hiding bottles several times. She knew I needed help and needed to stay away from booze. I'm not one to comment on other people's drinking habits unless she/he has an obvious problem, but in spite of the circumstances, she always kept wine and beer out in plain view. I don't just mean one or two bottles, I mean the big wine boxes and several bottles, and a 6-pack of beer in the fridge. Granted, it was her house but I was living with her at the time. If it was any of you, I dunno, would you at least make some kind of effort to not be so obvious with it? I tend to think I would if the tables were turned.

CAPTAINZING2000

Sounds like her hidden agenda was to get you to drink again.

KAD

I dunno. According to what she said, my drinking again would be a deal-breaker. She was just the sort who was hypersensitive to ever feeling like she was being restricted in any way from what SHE wanted to do. Fiercely independent. I had no interest in telling her what to do. She often drank a glass or 2 of wine at social events, but it just struck me as odd and a little insensitive how available she made the booze in the house, knowing full well I am addicted.

Kitkat331

Did you ask her not to?

My husband was aware I had a problem before I got sober, but did not put himself in the role of trying to make me stop or hide booze from me. I appreciate him for that--I think someone else trying to control my drinking FOR me would have made it harder for me to stop.

Now that I'm sober, husband and I had a talk about the new rules for our house that would support me best. I asked him to not have drinks around (unless they are actively being consumed then by him or guests of ours.). He has been very cooperative.

I think I'm more controlling than he is--if the tables were turned I might try to keep alcohol away from an addicted spouse. But ultimately you can't control someone else's drinking, and sometimes trying makes it worse for everyone.

GracieLou

It would depend if I also had a problem with booze.

Neither of my husbands nor boyfriends ever tried to stop while we were together but if they had I don’t think I would have hidden it. I would have had it around just as I always did. I would have been selfish and self seeking. I would have waited for them to drink with “thank god that is over” on the front of my mind.

I liked them when they drank, they were easier to control until they were out of control. Then they had a problem, not me. Round and round it went.

When we were having a good time, laughing, camping, sitting by the fire, sex filled nights then their drinking didn’t bother me.

Neglected lawn care/car care, job loss, not taking care of the kids, sitting in the bar all day/night, DUI’s, passing out, pissing and vomit…Not so much.

I was under my own denial. It was easy to remember the good times when times are good. My guess is you may have been cranky and not as fun sober so the thought of you picking up again might have been encouraged.

The problem with someone that can have fun and even get drunk now and then is they do not understand that once I start, it is on. Done deal. I am not going to stop, never did. Then it turns back to that we have a lack of self control. They do not understand we have none and never did. There is no off button because I am an alcoholic.

Now whether they are is up to them to decide.

Just saw this...

This may be your answer.

KAD

Oh, I learned early on you don't ask her to change anything! She actively avoided ever being the blame for anything and if I even suggested it was a problem, she would argue about it but eventually move it, begrudgingly. She was kinda childish that way. That's a big part of the reason we're apart. It was during a period of sobriety, ironically, that our relationship fell apart. I continued to hide my drinking for a long while and things were the best between us during those times. She said she didn't want to live with an alcoholic, but our relationship was the happiest when I was actively drinking (in secrecy). When I sobered up, I was no longer so willing to put up with a lot of things I tolerated while drunk.

KAD

She didn't. Not usually anyway, though there were a couple times I saw her drink much more than she should have - 5 glasses of wine in 45 minutes once. Usually it was only 1 or 2 glasses and never an every day event.

She clearly did not want me to drink and was very vocal about that. She admitted to being scared to find out if I had been. That's what made her behavior kinda confusing to me.

Whether she was in denial or just plain stupid, she didn't know that our best moments happened when I was drinking.

I never did any of that. Did all my drinking in secrecy, never got a DUI or passed out. Never threw up from drinking or a hangover, and took care of her car, yard, as well as the inside of the house.

This just was not the case. We split up for 9 months once when she caught me hiding booze for the last time.

Victoriarose

Well my husband tries to help by not drinking. He can drink or not. Sounds like she did not care.

mfanch

I would not do it at all. Not my place to do so. Classic codie behavior to "manage" someone else's environment.

KAD

I really had no interest in managing her environment. That's why I never mentioned it other than to say, from my perspective, it might as well be under a spotlight because it's the first thing I notice when I enter the room. I never once told her to put it away or denied her the ability to partake whenever she wanted to. It's just one of those things that maybe you have a right to do, but it isn't necessarily the right thing to do.

Aellyce

I tried to convince someone I was very close to (another alcoholic I had a relationship with) about quitting together in many different ways, tried and tried and tried, indirectly, directly, suggesting external help, everything... to no avail. I did this because I knew that the drinking was the main factor in the way of us being happy together and pursuing a great life. I would never try this again. If anything, the experience of the failure just contributed to my also continuing for a few more years after our separation. It might have a bit higher success rate if the other is already in recovery, though.

Like it's so often said on this board: everyone needs to want sobriety for themselves, by themselves. This first, then seek help.

KAD

I think maybe, since she wasn't/isn't an addict, she just didn't fully comprehend the mind of someone who is. She was the sort to often comment that she couldn't get why I couldn't "just quit." So, I believe either out of naivete or just wanting to wash her hands of having any influenece whatsoever, she went on with her life as though it didn't affect mine, perhaps not even caring to what extent it did. I'm in no way a controlling person, so I typically wait for people to pick up hints and clues on their own. If they don't, so be it. I just know, if the tables were turned, I believe I would have been a bit more sensitive is all.

Aellyce

Yeah... this is a classic situation we can see all over in the F&F forum. Unfortunately it's very rarely successful that non-addict partners can have enough influence on the addict... or even on someone who wants to quit but is not 100% committed to recovery.

I also had a similar story to yours more recently, when I was with a "normal" drinker. She actually did not seem to be bothered about my drinking at all. Even when she saw how much I was suffering due to it, never acknowledged I had a real problem. Accepted it or denied it, whatever. And this was someone who does research on addiction! Just never had first-hand experience. Then I finally quit... and the relationship did not survive all the changes that came with my getting sober and focusing on recovery... we tried to work on it quite hard, lots of discussions, tolerance, other efforts. We finally decided to separate when I was 5 months into sobriety - just last weekend. Quite common story as far as I can see in the recovery circles.

I think these asymmetrical attitudes are always hard to arrive to a consensus. It's good to try to understand what happened, why and how, but in the end, if it's in your past, much better to move on and not dwell on it much. Of course we tend to dwell on it as these events are highly emotionally charged... but really, it just does not help us to keep revisiting them beyond perhaps making some amends that many find useful for their recovery.

As for speculating what you might have done had it been the other way around... I believe it's just simply not possible to truthfully imagine and know that. I also dealt with relationship problems in the past when the other had issues I was theoretically very knowledgeable about (or became knowledgeable, because I so wanted to understand, help, and make it work) - the truth is, I could never genuinely relate because I was not experiencing it from the inside. Yeah, sad experiences, the whole variety, I know.

Also, interpersonal compatibility is much more than specific problems caused by one or two particular problems. I think that a partner would usually try to make more effort (as mentioned above) to help if the general compatibility and unity were otherwise great. Maybe it wasn't that great to start with for you and your ex?

In any case, I suggest that you move on from it. And another thing, may or may not be relevant to you in the future when you get into new relationships: try not to "look for her" in other people. That's a common pattern, often leads to lots of frustrations.

Embrace your recovery, seek all the help you need, and look ahead!

KAD

Thanks haennie. I think when/if I feel ready to take another chance on a serious relationship, I have learned more what not to look for next time! I've known this woman for over 20 years. In fact, I dated her just before I met the woman I later married. I should have learned my lessons the first time around, but after the divorce, I was just happy to cross paths with her again. When times were good, they were fantastic, but when they were bad, they were devastating! Very hot and cold relationship.

kittycat3

I see the point in the statement about trying to manage another's environment. If you were living together, it is your environment too. I see no harm in asking someone for support, if that comes in the form of removing alcohol from countertops, what harm is there in asking? Now one thing you can't manage is the response, and it's totally fair that the other person may not be able to provide you the kind of support you need.

I relapsed during my marriage and asked my husband at the time who had started drinking heavily for some sober non-drinking nights together to help me strengthen my resolve. He agreed but never did I see him lay off the sauce for even a single day. The marriage is now over. I felt so alone. I'm not saying I want to end up with someone sober, but it was obvious to me his booze came first before the marriage, amongst other things.... So I can totally relate to this.

tomsteve

"If it was any of you, I dunno, would you at least make some kind of effort to not be so obvious with it? "

if it was me,nope. don't like it yer free to leave.
all of them did.either that or threw me out. not that they were tryin to stop drinkin, I was just that sick.

NightsWatch

I was going to say this. If she is really good at controlling herself, she will have no comprehension of why "just quit" is too simplistic. It's like a perpetually happy person telling someone with depression to "Just snap out of it, be happy!" I don't know her at all, but if I were to give her the benefit of the doubt, I'd say she didn't know that having alcohol around affected you so negatively, not because she's a bad person, but just because she just didn't know.

As for the question in the OP, I'd probably be considerate of someone with a problem, but if it's a problem I don't share and have never experienced, I might not know how exactly what that person needs, and I would hope I'm with someone who will voice their needs. I also don't like to feel like I'm controlling someone or that I'm their mom, so while I would let it be known that I'm not happy with someone's drinking or whatever, it's up to them to control themselves.

360shoes

I was just going to ask if she was considerate in every other aspect but just not this one. That kind of answers that.

If someone was pretty considerate in every other aspect but just left a mountain of booze in front of my nose, I would seriously have to at least question this. Especially if I told them I had a problem. Jeez, even I don't smoke cigarettes around non smokers and I sure as heck wouldn't leave cartons and cartons of them laying around someone I lived with along with lighting up and blowing smoke in their face. In fact, if one of my friends quit smoking or drinking, hell would freeze over before they got a smoke or drink from me. They are going to do what they want but I ain't helping them.

If this was just one more example of a multiple of not so considerate behaviors....hmmm. I'm thinking that's what I had. Either way. I'd have to move on from it. Neither sound very positive.

Just me but I have one relationship rule. They, at minimum, must treat me as well as my best friends do. And I have some pretty darn good friends. They know I quit drinking and not one of them is waving a glass of wine in my face. Why would I ever accept less consideration in a partner?

Good for you for being sober and good for you looking out for yourself! I hope things work out for the best for you no matter what that means. Moving on or working through it.

KAD

Oh, and she would frequently crack jokes about drinking or being drunk, or tell stories of drunken stupidity she and her friends engaged in back in college. Even send me emails making light of drinking. I would just shake my head like, "Doesn't she get it yet?! Is she trying to get me to find humor in something that just isn't funny to me anymore, at all?" I even told her my sense of humor about drinking was gone - too many bad and painful memories - but she still didn't seem to grasp what that meant, or simply didn't care.

All in all, I think it's best we're no longer together.

scintillady

I has a similar situation in my marriage, only it involved diet. My (now ex) husband wanted me to be a certain weight and made it known that I was not attractive to him if I gained weight. He would always monitor what I ate. all that accomplished was to make me not want to eat in front of him, so I would eat in the car on the way home from work, sneak snacks into the spare room where I was reading at night while he was watching TV, get up in the middle of the night to eat, snack while he was in the shower, etc. Exactly like you did with drink. His disapproval never made me stop, just made me hide the problem. I haven't dealt with the food issue in a long time, but I have dealt with hiding drinks, not because anyone gave me an ultimatum, but because I was ashamed to have anyone know how much I was drinking. I think I'm the type of person who would resent being "controlled".