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Hello and help

Old 06-26-2014, 04:45 AM
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Hello and help

Hi Everyone

I'm looking for help and support, advice and knowledge. I abuse alcohol, but am unsure if I'm alcoholic as I function normally without drink too. However, my habits are worrying.

Biggest fear: My partner and I have made a deal: he will stop smoking and I have to stop drinking. And I am very scared of the big, boring void in my life if there is no alcohol. Which is exactly the type of thought that brought me to this sight. Big Red Warning flag right there.

There has to be more to life than "relaxing with a glass of wine after work" but right now I cant see it.

Background: I drink at every opportunity, including mornings when I am on my own and do not have responsibilities for the day i.e work etc. I like to "get way with it" by drinking when I'm not supposed to, or have promised that I wont.

Please help me find the right path through this as I know my thinking is not in the right place, there is more to life than alcohol but I need help to find it, because I cant see anything but "nothing" without the booze.

Hope to hear from you soon. X TT
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Old 06-26-2014, 05:24 AM
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Hi. As a simple test for yourself try going 90 days without a drink for any reason.
And this is a good list IF we are honest with ourselves about our own drinking.
Signs that someone might be an alcoholic include:
• Drinking to forget his or her problems
• Drinking alone often
• Lying about his or her drinking habits
• Losing interest in food
• Feeling unhappy or irritable when he or she is not drinking
• Losing memories of certain events ("blacking out")
BE WELL
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Old 06-26-2014, 05:34 AM
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It's not so bad:-) after a while you'll catch yourself and think "I'm not even missing my wine, wow!". It's great that you both are trying a positive change but you gotta want it for yourself. If he doesn't quit, keep at it anyways. Good luck, and welcome to SR!
-Ted
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Old 06-26-2014, 05:35 AM
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Welcome Ms Tulip!

Originally Posted by TimidTulip View Post
I like to "get way with it" by drinking when I'm not supposed to, or have promised that I wont.
This part of your post stood out for me, personally. I think that was one of a few signs I had early on, about 10 years ago. The delicious feeling that I "deserved" to have a nice relaxing drink when my partner wasn't yet home from work.

Then that delicious feeling turned into, "oh, I've finished over half a bottle and it's a weeknight....oh, and didn't I drink last night as well?".....then it was, "well, I've had a drink nearly every night, but not much"...

Anyway....I wish I'd had stopped sooner. Nip it in the bud if it's worrying you.

Oh...I see what I did there..ha, no pun intended, Tulip! Lol.
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Old 06-26-2014, 05:38 AM
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Welcome to SR Tulip!

Originally Posted by TimidTulip View Post
I am very scared of the big, boring void in my life if there is no alcohol.
How much fun is living in fear of not drinking?

What do you suppose causes a fear of not drinking?

When you were a child did you dream of the day you would be an adult so you could have the freedom to drink in the mornings and not get caught? Or did you dream of doing other things with your life?

A year ago I also feared not drinking. I don't anymore, so it is possible to get over that feeling. Now I fear going back to that feeling. Life is so much better now.

I like to feel like I am getting away with stuff, too. Tell me not to do something and I automatically start trying to figure out how to beat the system. There are ways to do that without involving alcohol.
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Old 06-26-2014, 05:47 AM
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Welcome to the Forum TimidTulip!!

The problem is beacuse we drank for soo many hours each day most of us never expanded our hobbies/interests as we had no time, we were drinking, right?

So it's going to be weird having soo much time as that void will be very very real, we just have to fill it with other things, it won't be easy, but it can be done.

To again use children as an example, did we drink when we were children? and did we sometimes never have enough time in the day to do all the things we wanted to do, before being told it was bedtime? . . . why are we then struggling as adults to fill time and not be bored without alcohol?
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Old 06-26-2014, 06:27 AM
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Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply.

I just cant believe how scared I am ! The more I think about it, the worse it seems. Which is ridiculous, but I just feel I am floundering. I have no plan, no back up, no strategy, hints or tips of how to deal with all the feelings I'm going to have. It's going to be hell and I feel completely unprepared.

(History) I quit smoking 2 years ago (almost to the day actually!) and that was a struggle - I did it, and I did it cold turkey and two years later I've not had a single slip....however I do think that I drink more now as it is my last remaining vice....so now my partner (who was supposed to quit with me 2 years ago) has planned to quit smoking, and in return I have to quit drinking. Why I have to give up another thing I enjoy is beyond me (apart from the fact that it's bad for me I suppose!)

I just have a big feeling of injustice - why do i have to lose something else I love? What, you expect me to find comfort in carrot sticks or something? How do I find something to replace the feelings I have when I drink alcohol? I cant get enthused about orange squash or coffee. I cant look forward to a glass of water after work.

See? I'm getting angry, which must mean I'm on the defensive, which in turn means there is a problem. It would seem I have an addictive personality!

So, I would be very grateful for any pearls of wisdom you all have, please help me find the right way. Thanks again.
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Old 06-26-2014, 06:30 AM
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I have learned something in in this whole process of not drinking. You have to want to do it for yourself. It can't be a "you quit, I quit" situation. It's up to you. You can't control his actions--and he can't control yours

If you think you are an alcoholic "Don't drink"
If you are an alcoholic "Don't drink"

Plain and simple-----no choosing required

*I've posted these lines before huh?
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Old 06-26-2014, 06:38 AM
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Originally Posted by TimidTulip View Post
How do I find something to replace the feelings I have when I drink alcohol? I cant get enthused about orange squash or coffee. I cant look forward to a glass of water after work.
I'd try to work out what exactly those feelings were, what did alcohol exactly do for you? . . . alcohol for me was as you say all about the looking forward to it, nostalgia and romanticism of it, a lot of my cravings now are focused on the future tense rather than in the present tense, in the moment actually drinking alcohol, I'd think of what it would be like after work, wouldn't it be great, I'd have soo much relief and enjoyment.

The reality of actually drinking it was something different, it just numbed me for a few hours, I escaped and eventually blacked out into bed followed by a hangover the next morning!!

Alcohol somehow tells us we're missing out on something because it sells the idea that in the moment of consuming alcohol it is such a breathtaking, earth shattering, a nothing will compare type of experience . . . but that's what all sales/marketing does, makes the idea of something seem better than it is in reality.

The difference being the sales/marketing team is resident in our own minds, so it knows exactly the right buttons to push when it drafts it's sales pitch aimed at us.
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Old 06-26-2014, 06:57 AM
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Originally Posted by TimidTulip View Post
I just cant believe how scared I am ! The more I think about it, the worse it seems. Which is ridiculous...
It's not ridiculous to those of us who know what it's like to be addicted to alcohol.

What did you do when you felt like smoking? That seems to have worked. Might be something there to build on.
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Old 06-26-2014, 07:01 AM
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Thank you - what does alcohol make me feel?

Relaxed, stops me worrying etc. Pouring a glass of wine signifies the start of MY time, work is done, chores are done, now it's time for ME. The problem is that I like the relaxed feeling, I LIKE not worrying. It's like giving my usually fretful brain time off from worrying about life. So I enjoy it. I'm not avoiding my problems, I deal with them while I am sober, but it's nice to escape .

Perhaps I'm going at this the wrong way. Perhaps I dont need to replace alcohol, perhaps I SHOULDN'T replace alcohol.

I'm so scared of failing. I'm scared that this will push me further to drinking in secret. I'm scared that I'll be miserable. I'm scared I wont be able to sleep.

I'm already planning one last blow out before my quit, I feel stupid but I have to be honest right? And hopefully it will hurt enough the next day to put me off drinking for a few days.

Is quitting drinking like quitting smoking? Is there a time frame for cravings to ease off? Does it get easier and do you stop thinking about drinking after a while?

Thanks again everyone.
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Old 06-26-2014, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by TimidTulip View Post
How do I find something to replace the feelings I have when I drink alcohol? I cant get enthused about orange squash or coffee. I cant look forward to a glass of water after work.
You won't believe this now, but it is possible....I bought my first takeaway coffee in a week today, and I got damn excited. It's a treat for me now. Was a bit of a trigger early on.

And my fizzy mineral water, yep, that too - it floats my boat. Honestly. Scouts honour....I love a glass of those pure sweet bubbles.
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Old 06-26-2014, 07:10 AM
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Well that is good to know - a little glimmer of hope, thank you. I didnt believe things like that before I quit smoking either - hopefully this will pan out the same way!

Fizzy water huh? interesting........... :-)
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Old 06-26-2014, 09:15 AM
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I joined this site recently and have just been following the forums for personal motivation since my first sober day on 6/15 and it has been so helpful and I have learned so much from the people here. Anyway,TimidTulip, I had the same mindset that you do with being fearful about not drinking anymore. I don't want to steal your thread with a long post of my experiences. But one thing I do want to share is that the freedom, peace of mind, and newfound "healthy" feeling have been very instrumental in squelching that fear, one day at a time. I hope that helps you a bit as you make your decision. Take care!
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Old 06-26-2014, 09:17 AM
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Bump
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Old 06-26-2014, 09:21 AM
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Please, share all you want, dont think of it as thread stealing! I'm very happy to hear from everyone, I have an academic brain, i need to read, learn and educate myself about things so I can control them, so the more you write, the better it will be!

Thank you for replying anyway, it's appreciated. Please tell me about all your experiences that you are willing to share!!!
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Old 06-26-2014, 09:26 AM
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Take this little quiz and answer honestly

Am I An Alcoholic? - Take a Self-Assessment Test
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Old 06-26-2014, 11:41 AM
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My situation and thoughts were similar to what you have described. I, too, for the longest time felt that maybe I should cut back. But quit? What would I do with all of that time? Things were getting out of hand though. I planned my whole life outside of work around when I was going to have my next round of drinks. I say next round because I could never stop at one. Heck, I couldn't even stop at five as I always promised myself I would do before going out. If I was home, I always had to finish that bottle of wine. I am the queen of bingers, I do believe. Lately, the blackouts were becoming too frequent (scary), the hangovers made me feel like dying when I had to go to work and at times I couldn't. Or, if it was a day off, it was wasted on the couch waiting for the anxiety and racing heartrate to subside. There have been too many times when I became an annoying, argumentative drunk. I cringe when I think about the drunk dialing and texting I have done. I have not felt this rested since I don't know when, so obviously my quality of sleep was terrible. I took that test that CptnZing suggested, and yikes, talk about an epic fail! It has been the most humbling thing to admit to myself that I am an alcoholic.

When I started this journey on the 15th, I never thought that I would experience the positive feelings that have occurred so far. I have seen it described as the "pink cloud" but whatever it is, for now I will ride that wave and enjoy it. However, I am very cognizant that life is not that way 100% of the time; but after the last 11 1/2 days, I sure have to believe that the blah, bad, etc. times are way better than the downward spiral I was in.

Those things being said, it is challenging every day, especially in the afternoon and right after work. Not to mention the golf outing I went to last Saturday....cocktails and golf just go together, don't they? ;-) I did lots of praying and the AV was working on me big-time, but I made it through. And, you know what? I had a great time. My friends didn't know what I was doing but when I explained to a few close ones, they were and still have been most supportive. It only tells me more that I needed to make this change and they were being too kind to drop me like a hot potato.

I belong to a gym have been working out more than before I stopped and can tell a big difference already that my stamina is improving. The bloat went away after the first week and I'm sure if my liver could hug me for finally giving it a vacation it sure would.

Well, if you are still with me after that long dissertation...lol, I do congratulate you! :-)
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Old 06-26-2014, 12:15 PM
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When I got sober I didn't know what I'd do with my time if I wasn't drinking. Now there's just not enough hours in the day for all the things I want to do. It takes time after getting sober to develop a new sober routine. Just stay sober, it will all fall into place.
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Old 06-26-2014, 01:41 PM
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you might try an experiment to specifically NOT drink for 90 days and spend every day of that time focused on finding as many positives of not drinking as you possibly can.

from what you've said, I get the impression that going 90 days without drinking will be a significant challenge for you. But, setting a goal like that and trying to accomplish it is one way to get really specific about what you are facing in your own personal relationship with alcohol.

Set a goal, work toward it, keep coming on here and sharing what your struggles and findings are. Get real honest with yourself and us about what's going on. Observe your feelings and thoughts and challenges.

You've taken the first and most important step; acknowledging that you may need to abandon your relationship with alcohol. Everyone's path from that point is different in the specifics, but in general you'll start to see some parallels if you hang around and stick with it long enough.
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