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Young, "Functioning", Want to Stop

Old 06-25-2014, 09:47 PM
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Young, "Functioning", Want to Stop

Hello everyone,

First of all I want to tell you all that I have lurked around these forums along with other websites for a long time now and have really appreciated the support you all give to one another and it has in turn helped me out.

Most of you are a lot older than me. I am only 22 years old. I am going to be finishing my engineering undergraduate curriculum at the end of the year from one of the top schools(top 2) in my field and I have been working for a great fortune 500 company every summer while drinking my life away.(So I think I am "Functional" which is dangerous)

I started drinking because I loved someone dearly(be it naive or not) and they disappointed me. I have always loved my parents and my sister, but I have big family issues. My extended family hate my father and I and it is reciprocated on our end. I've always been social but at the end of the day a loner and I opened up myself to her 100%.

I was always incredibly mature for my age and undoubtedly intelligent, so I thought I was superman. Well, I went and slept around with too many women and am lucky to not have any diseases. I was empty. I missed her and spiraled into depression and my social drinking turned into binge drinking every night.

I am in a better place now after a tough road, yet the depression and the alcohol abuse stayed with me and it doesn't leave... I really cannot stop drinking. I feel like I LIKE to be depressed and want to every night listen to certain music that would make me "feel" things back in the day and rewatch certain videos.

Also, it was always about getting the girl who once disappointed me back. Now I have her again(long story) and I am HAPPY. But I am a creature of habit and just thrive in the thirst for alcohol and depression at night. Lately, slowly, it has escalated to I come back from work and just want alcohol and want to feel not so much depressed but just inebriated, to function.

I know this is a long, poorly written and explained narrative, but I also know I don't want this deep down inside. Have you ever typed out "Don't want this" yet you get this craving for alcohol as you type it out? Alcohol addiction, I've read and feel first hand, finds a way to excuse itself into you life.

I want to say so much more and be so specific and I know from a higher order level it sounds petty that it was about losing someone so early in my life, but I hope you all can respect me and help me out with your own personal anecdotes and experience. I want to finish school well, continue on a great engineering track, and start a family. However, this alcohol problem is scary, real, and hidden from everyone.(as much as hiding it can actually mean- parents, friends, and girlfriend are concerned but don't get or choose to accept the magnitude of it)

Thank you so much in advance.

Edit: I guess I should add that I drink at least half of a fifth a night and sometimes take a swig or two before work/school, and I black out(not completely) all of the time and forget conversations I had with people.
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Old 06-25-2014, 10:14 PM
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So what can readers of your post do to help? I think its great you want to stop. Perhaps a chat with your doctor and a medically supported plan would be a good place to start verbalizing about your situation.

Where would you LIKE to start?
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Old 06-25-2014, 10:34 PM
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Originally Posted by goodkitty View Post
So what can readers of your post do to help? I think its great you want to stop. Perhaps a chat with your doctor and a medically supported plan would be a good place to start verbalizing about your situation.

Where would you LIKE to start?
That's a very valid and good question. I think I drink because of both physiological and psychological reasons.

Now, I guess I'd like to start with asking how wanting to stop and understanding how bad it is for you can actually pave a way into recovery when alcohol and being young-er just excuse you to say oh, I function, I can figure it out later"

That is what my body and mind tell me. Ugh, we can get into the psyche and the physical addiction of it all. Literally it comes full circle: Want to stop, yet, can't only because I(weird definition of the self, ya know? That's the real problem here) can't/don't want to.

How does one ACTUALLY break the physiological, like any addiction: smokers, drug addicts(even though alcohol should be a drug), part of it? That's a start.

And then, more importantly, how does one get alcohol to stop excusing itself into your life? Does the body craving it really influence the mind/psyche that much that will isn't enough? Is their anyway, that you guys know, that the mind can not want it enough that it can withstand the habit of physiological custom?
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Old 06-25-2014, 10:50 PM
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my two cents

Originally Posted by Chinchillin View Post
That's a very valid and good question. I think I drink because of both physiological and psychological reasons.

***as does everyone on these boards***

Now, I guess I'd like to start with asking how wanting to stop and understanding how bad it is for you can actually pave a way into recovery when alcohol and being young-er just excuse you to say oh, I function, I can figure it out later"

***been drinking heavily for 20 years, never missed a day of work with a hangover, never drank at work or before work, but still obviously there is an issue when passing out on the sofa nightly right?? So I, like you, function perfectly fine...except at some point where the rubber hits the road, you have to ask yourself..."what the eff am I doing here?" You have an opportunity right now to recognize your addictive personality (or whatever you want to call it) and DO something about it. I have a degree from a top University as well, and a successful career...successful home life and marriage...but at some point it could become a cost to all of that...drinking...so I am choosing to do something about it. Lots of information on this site to help you with different schools of thought on quitting. BOOZE doesn't discriminate. It'll take the young, the old, the smart, the not so smart, the educated, the ditch digger...so it doesn't matter one bit who you are or where you went to school or what you do for a living. ***

That is what my body and mind tell me. Ugh, we can get into the psyche and the physical addiction of it all. Literally it comes full circle: Want to stop, yet, can't only because I(weird definition of the self, ya know? That's the real problem here) can't/don't want to.

***That is a problem...that you can't/dont want to...you have to realize you desire a change and find a way to make it happen...***

How does one ACTUALLY break the physiological, like any addiction: smokers, drug addicts(even though alcohol should be a drug), part of it? That's a start.

***desire to do so, AA works for many, secular schools of thought are out there as well***

And then, more importantly, how does one get alcohol to stop excusing itself into your life? Does the body craving it really influence the mind/psyche that much that will isn't enough? Is their anyway, that you guys know, that the mind can not want it enough that it can withstand the habit of physiological custom?
***That is called recovery, and its a forever commitment I am just starting to learn about myself.***
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Old 06-25-2014, 11:17 PM
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Originally Posted by goodkitty View Post
***That is called recovery, and its a forever commitment I am just starting to learn about myself.***
Thank you, goodkitty. Your words are are absolutely helpful and important to me. I will read what you had to say every night and definitely as much as I can because it means a lot to me that you took the time to write back, and directly addressed my thoughts and that resonated through me.

I will work on my recovery more. Knowing there are secular schools of thought out there and that people like you struggle with the same really helps.
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Old 06-26-2014, 03:01 AM
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Hi ChinChillin,

It reads to me as if you have many unresolved psychological and personal issues which need to be faced head on, and that alcohol is an escape from these tough issues in your life. In my opinion, if you dealt with each issue one by one, in a sober state, then the urge drink would rapidly diminish.

I say this because it seems to me that you are using alcohol to either inebriate yourself from the reality of a difficult situation, and/or fill in the void in your life.

Identifying the issues (such as your family issues, and previous rejection by your partner) and working through them will help enormously, perhaps to such an extent that you won't even be able to believe the progress you make.

I am by no means an expert in addiction, but this response is built on the foundation of personal experience. Good luck ChinChillin
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Old 06-26-2014, 03:09 AM
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You are lucky that you are realizing that this is a problem at 22. I was drinking my life away at that age as well, but somehow it just seems "normal" at that age. Everyone I knew drank daily, every single thing in the world seems to revolve around alcohol in the early 20's. I don't think I ever stopped once to consider if I was drinking too much or if I had a problem. I am 10 years older now (would do anything to do the past 10 yrs over). I didn't realize I had a problem until I decided I wanted to make some changes in my drinking, and quickly realized I couldn't. I lurked on this board and just tried over and over again to control it. I tried to give myself rules, at times I tried to give it up completely but always set myself up to fail. I would say things like "well I'm obviously going to drink at the wedding I'm going to in 2 weeks.. so what is the difference if I'm going to drink then I might as well now. I will quit again once that's over". Anyway I did this over and over again for over a year and I then I just woke up one day and decided I have had ENOUGH. I am exhausted from thinking about alcohol, I am exhausted from the shame it gives me every time I drink, I am exhausted from trying to make excuses for it. I just don't want to think about it anymore. This time seems different, I feel free. I don't want it anymore. I can't think into the future and let my mind start telling me all the things I will miss out on and start it's list of excuses. I cannot allow myself to think about alcohol in any context except for the RIGHT NOW. I am stealing this from another user on here (forget who) but their words helped me a lot - "I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow, but today I am NOT drinking alcohol". This mindset seems to have been the total game changer for me. Hopefully that can help you as well. Good luck!
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Old 06-26-2014, 03:14 AM
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Hi and welcome. I was 22 when my drinking problem first began. It's when I started drinking alone, and it escalated over the years. I am now 48 and in recovery once again. Even at 22, I knew I was headed down a dangerous path. I sensed that what I was doing was going to become a big problem for me, and it most certainly did. But, like you, I was young and still in great health. Other than some occasional stomach upset and a few hangovers, I felt invincible when I drank and I thrived on the good memories I had of the early days of experiencing "the buzz."

But it turns on you. What you think is all fun and games becomes a hellish life of being tethered to the bottle. I got to the point where I drank just to avoid withdrawal. I don't recall the last time it was an enjoyable experience. That was a long, long time ago. I urge you to get help now, while you are still young. Don't follow the path I took. I've wasted more than half my life drinking poison. You don't want that kind of life, I assure you. Best wishes for you.
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Old 06-26-2014, 03:26 AM
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I finished my drinking at 22, a chronic alcohlic. I had no outside issues, there was nothing and no one left. That's what alcoholism did to me. It runs in my family.

Not everyone who has problems with alcohol is an alcoholic of my type. I'm not trying to offer false hope, but I have met people who hit the bottle because of an issue in their life. For the time they drink, they look alcoholic. But when the issue is resolved, the drinking problem goes away.

Deciding which course to take will require all the honesty you can muster. My suggestion is you make a decision to stop drinking, stop drinking, and see your doctor or therapist to try and deal with those issues. That might fix the problem.

If you are an alcoholic of my type, fixing the issues won't fix the drinking. Then you might need another huge dose of self honesty to deal with that. But at least you will know for sure what the problem is.
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Old 06-26-2014, 04:54 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Chinchillin!!

For me merely not drinking wasn't enough, I needed to change my lifestyle, the places I went, the people I hung out with, the activities I was a part of, drinking becomes ingrained in our lifestyles so we need to revolutionise our patterns of life to eradicate it.

You'll find loads of support here on SR to help you do it!!
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