scheherazade

Leaving my AXBF behind hasn't been as hard as I thought -the first two days were hell, and though things are still painful in a sort of normal adjusting-to-single-life way, they're not overwhelmingly difficult. I'm really happy with how much time I have now. I see my friends so often, and I'd forgotten how much I liked spending time with them. I cut my hair and got out books I like and yeah, I'm not sitting in my room missing him much.

However, I still carry some guilt. Call me stupid, but I do think I saw a genuine shred of a person in there when he wasn't using who was sincerely sorry for hurting me, and very much wanted me in his life. Admittedly, he'd only be around for a day at most before the addiction came raging back in. He has also been bad since we broken up - pleading one minute, staying overnight with an ex-girlfriend he swore he wanted nothing to do with the next, obviously relapsing. But I also know he is very weak and very alone and hates being an addict and that by leaving so decisively, I damaged him more.

Equally, his parents, who I became very close to while dealing with this, I feel awful for. I was happy when I was dating him that they, exhausted as they were, had someone they could openly talk to and depend on to try and take on some of the horrendous burden that is loving the addict. We did rely on each other to cheer each other up. And the family has been through so much hell.

So - I'm enjoying my freedom. But, hopefully without sounding arrogant, I put a lot of energy and love into that relationship, and know that did help them, and so I feel bad that I am not suffering the way my AXBF addict and his family are still suffering through this thing, when all three are people I care about.

Does that fade too?

zoso77

Freedom. It's a wonderful feeling, isn't it?

The day after my AXGF and I broke up, I was pretty spent. She ended it (for reasons you can learn by searching through my post history). It wasn't because I was missing the relationship, but I was looking back at all the opportunities to get out of my situation that I didn't take. And that was because I wasn't strong enough to do it.

Let's contrast that with you. You were strong enough to leave. You were strong enough to say enough is enough. And it's very, very important that you give yourself credit for doing so because, as you've learned, it wasn't easy.

As for your AXBF's behavior post-breakup, be surprised by none of it. We're talking about someone whose pleasure center always needs to be in a state of constant stimulation. Be it drugs, or sex with an ex, it is what it is and it will continue unabated until he decides enough is enough.

Re: his family, I can understand and appreciate your warmth towards them. And while having contact with them at this point is, in my view, no longer appropriate, you can always pray for them in whatever manner suits you best.

So, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. You hung in with him as long as you could, and when you couldn't anymore, you did what you had to do. Enjoy the summer...

CaringScared

Scheherazade, I'm in a similar situation as you in that I am very close to my bf's father and we have leaned on each other quite a bit in that "no one really knows about this hell but us" kind of way. However, as time has gone on, the comfort in that has become less as it just seeps in that things are only going to get worse.

Also, with time, I've come to feel a little pressured by my relationship with his father to stay in the situation, to be part of the misery with him--and that doesn't feel good.

I admire what you're doing. Staying is TRULY prolonging the inevitable. It's a shame that the people we love are caught in this addiction. Wouldn't it also be a shame if we ruined our lives worrying about it?

hopeful4

I am glad you are feeling some freedom. The thing is, you deserve that. I too found that the moment I kicked my X out of the house, it was immediate relief for me mentally. I too have guilt moments. Yesterday I told him a friend of my family passed away of a heart attack. He was young, only 41. My X said, "Yup, stress will kill you." While that is true, we have no idea why this happened and my X was really talking about himself. I had to remind myself he CHOSE this. He chose a path to drink and mix with Rx drugs on a path that he knew would lead to destruction and eventual divorce. I warned him and warned him, he simply had no idea I had become strong enough to actually carry it out.

So when you feel that guilt, you go back through a few of the memories and remember why you made the choice you did. It was not because of your actions, but because of his. Actions have consequences, he will have to figure that out on his own.

In the mean time, ENJOY YOUR LIFE AND YOUR FREEDOM. Find happiness and don't try to rob it away from yourself via guilt.

XXX