Polaroid

Short story:
I don’t really count days, but I haven’t had a drink for about 4 months. And that was just six beers. Before that, I had another ~two months of sober time behind me. So, I’ve had six beers in the last 6 months.

That is… until just now. I’m drinking. I’m having that "I don’t care" day I knew would come sooner or later.

I’ve felt great this year. Really. And I give a LOT of the credit to an excellent rehab center I stayed at until a month ago. I could list why, but I’m supposed to keep this short.

A sea of opportunities have opened up for me. I’m thinking so much more clearly. My creativity, which I’ve always considered to be one of my strong feats, was completely dead while I was drinking. It's been coming back and I've felt real ambitious. My main creative outlets are photography, web design and programming, which all were on hiatus while I was drinking, because basically I couldn't understand squat. Now, the hours fly by when I develop apps/sites/whatever. My 10 minute walk becomes a 3 hour walk because I just need that "perfect" photo, spending maybe 30 minutes in one spot. 9 hours feels like 9 minutes.

But what goes up must come down. I can’t exactly pinpoint it, but today I’ve just felt depressed… Enough to cave. Why do I feel so blue today? So down I caved? Googled "suicide" again today. It’s been a while. Okay, so maybe it’s the expanding realization that I’ve basically lost all my friends. I don’t have friends. That’s a fact. Even though I have social anxiety… I do have social needs. If weren’t so much of a wuss, I could probably get back in touch with two of my cousins which I’d consider my best friends in the past. I told them both about my alcohol problem while I was drinking. They were both understanding, but I’m not sure how to go about it, being sober.

I've been on top of the world since I got sober. Then BAM, I'm all "what's the point in living? If I were dead I wouldn't have to deal with life's struggles.".

Maybe also curiousity got the best to me. As in, I forgot what a buzz feels like. "Why did I drink? Because I liked it, right? Why? Wasn't it hell? Let me see..."

I’m hoping this will just be another reminder, like it was back in February. Getting a buzz is totally not worth it. I didn’t even like the actual buzz that much. Less inhibitions, higher self confidence, sure... but I felt stupid to the point it annoyed me. And the aftermath was sh… waking up in sweats, overly anxious, and I had to go to work. I made it to work, but it sure as hell sucked.

One footnote… I’ve been weaning myself off of Zoloft. I’m down to a third of the doze I’m supposed to be on. Because, I’ve never really thought antidepressants really do anything for me. Well, maybe I’m wrong, seeing how I suddenly got this "I don’t care" depression today. I'm aware I can't ask any medical questions or advice on here, but if anyone has experiences with SSRIs/SNRIs and if it affected your drinking, I’d like to hear.

Okay... never mind the "Short story" advisory at the beginning...

Day 0. /Rant/vent.

ScottFromWI

Weaning off meds on your own can be quite dangerous. I'd contact your doc immediately.

GracieLou

I was taking Zoloft the first time I quit. I started when I was about a month sober. It helped for a couple months but after a while it seemed like I felt nothing. Not happy or sad. Neutral. I didn’t like the feeling and stopped taking them. No weaning, just stopped. About month later I got the “F-it” blues. Went to a bar because I was bored.

Got drunk and continued drinking for ten more years.

Again, I do not know if it had anything to do with the Zoloft or not taking it. I take nothing this time and I don’t feel I need to.

Hopscotch

Hello Polaroid
I think that we all have ups and downs, regardless of meds, addictions, age, gender or how our lives are going in general. Even the "happiest" person will have days when they just can't shake the grey. I can't tell you why this happens. There is often no identifiable reason why these days hit me too.
Question is, how do we deal with it. What do we do while in that grey?

LBrain

I would talk to your doctor ASAP about this.

PurpleKnight

Hey Polaroid, get back on the wagon and go at it again!!

For me I had to figure out how to deal with the emotions of life, the reality is they will happen, the good times and the bad times, but there has to be a way through it without alcohol, there has to be, not taking medical advice on your meds though is probably not a good idea, as others have mentioned checking in with a Dr might be a good idea.

Moving forward reaching out for support when you're feeling down is good idea too, before picking up the 1st drink, sometimes that might be enough to ride the craving long enough till the feelings pass!!

SR is here for you!!

Polaroid

Right.

I was at the store today, just to get some basic stuff. I picked that up, but I felt cravings for alcohol. I knew where the beer was. Was on my way until I saw an "out". Someone was approaching the cashier. I went in front of him, so I was now in the queue, no going back to the beer. Done, no alcohol bought.

Buut, I went back a couple hours later.. With the sole purpose of buying beer. Why...

DowntownNYC

Sounds like you're going through a rough time. Thoughts and prayers.

Polaroid

Scott and LBrain. I'm on it.

I just talked to a doc on the phone and they said not to worry about weaning or even quitting cold turkey on those meds.

He offered to call me back in 45 minutes.

PurpleKnight

Addiction can be a powerful thing . . . we just need to short circuit the thought process, before drinking reach out to someone, post on SR, play the tape to it's conclusion, go for a walk, go to a meeting etc etc

Something/Anything to stall the normal routine that we followed for years!!

huntingtontx

Just because we want to by alcohol does not mean we have to do it. The choice is ours. You can choose to be sober or not. I do think you should see a Dr as soon as possible. Reducing your own pills can be dangerous. Anyway, I hope you jump back on the wagon.
A sober life is so much better.

Polaroid

Yes, I know... I like how you put "short circuit".

I've had 5 of the 10 I bought. Now I am sort of curious as to how I'd feel tomorrow if I poured the rest out. I don't want to do it. Tomorrow I bet I wish I'd done it...

MemphisBlues

I don't know how long you were on the Zoloft, but I would be wary of any advice that says to just stop taking an antidepressant cold turkey.

From what I have read and experienced, it's very common to be slammed by depression and numerous other woes when ceasing ADs and even when tapering them.

Frankly, I would be wary of any doctor who just said "stop taking it." I had shrinks do that to me. I suffered immensely.

Polaroid

Had a walk with my therapist today.

I felt kinda woozy... hungover, light headed... dizzy you name it. I simply felt, and still feel... sick, from yesterday's (and the day before) binge. But I'm glad I got some stuff out to her, just saying it how it is.

As for the Zoloft, I guess I'll keep taking it as prescribed until my doctor tells me otherwise.

Polaroid

I've been on them for about six months. And yeah, that is my experience too... I tried to wean off about a month ago and depression hit me hard. Now, again. There has to be some sort of connection.

They're physically not harmful to wean off of, but it can make you feel like it doesn't matter if you jump off of the roof of a 10 story building.

TimidTulip

A doctor once said to me: "If you had a heart condition that was completely controlled by taking one pill each morning, you would take those pills until the end of time, so why the nagging need to get off an antidepressant pill that controls your head condition? Just take the pills, have a good chemical balance in your head and get on with your life - taking one pill is not an inconvenience, losing your life to depression is"

FreeOwl

the ups and downs of life are.... LIFE.

It's harder for those of us who habitually dealt with them using numbing agents who try to eliminate those agents and then face LIFE without our cushion.

But listen closely, friend; DRINKING IS NOT THE ANSWER.

You said a lot in this statement;

"My main creative outlets are photography, web design and programming, which all were on hiatus while I was drinking, because basically I couldn't understand squat. Now, the hours fly by when I develop apps/sites/whatever. My 10 minute walk becomes a 3 hour walk because I just need that "perfect" photo, spending maybe 30 minutes in one spot. 9 hours feels like 9 minutes."


We are creators. We are here to experience, to live, to love, to create, to share and express. We are not here to dull ourselves into oblivion and waste this gift.

Some days are going to suck.

Sometimes we're going to crash.

Sometimes, those days are going to be the catalyst for some of our most glorious creation.

BUT NOT IF WE'RE BURIED IN A HAZE.

Stop drinking. NOW.

Consult your doctor about appropriate tapering for your meds.

Seriously consider giving meditation and yoga a legitimate shot.

If you're not already giving AA a try, consider that too.

You DO give an F. I promise.

Your addiction doesnt... but YOU do. I know you do. YOU know you do. Don't give in.

2muchpain

I don't know why you would wean yourself off of Zoloft when you a trying to quit drinking. Sounds like your doing too much.

Polaroid

I thought I had quit drinking. And I thought Zoloft did nothing for me.

One experience wizer, I guess.

Thanks for the support, guys.

Hopscotch

Spot on.
We take meds for diabetes, for heart conditions and just about everything else.
But when its a question of a chemical imbalance anywhere above the shoulders, then suddenly, that's different. I don't really think it is.
If you need a pill to live better, then you need it! Big deal!