heavenis445

My husband is “supporting me” but has told me disagrees with my view on our current situation. How can I talk to him to make him understand that his children’s (now in the 20’s) choices are their own. We cannot parent them or save them. I have talked myself blue in the face and he says in our current situation that he “supports” me but does not agree with my position. Because of this, he allows his children to attack me and say I’m being mean to them or making them feel bad. Our current situation is this: His daughter who is 25 is in rehab and has asked to leave rehab and live with us. I have tried to tell my husband that both of his children are now adults and it is not appropriate for them to live with us under the guise of “helping them”. He thinks his daughter’s situation is hopeless and he thinks that if she lives with us it will give her hope. I have told him every reason why is it not appropriate for his children to live with us including but not limited to: They are adults, they are capable of supporting themselves. I have my own daughter and I don’t want her exposed to living with an addict. The addict’s presence in our home would be disruptive and cause stress. The addict is an adult and these problems they have including needing a place to live are theirs to deal with. The problem is that my husband has been taken to counseling and he sees that there is no sure fire cure and he feels that tough love will not work and by doing tough love it is “giving up” on his child. I keep getting attacked again and again by his children saying I’m not helping them and how mean I am. I also get no understanding or support from my husband. I get things like, “Oh, you don’t get it because it’s not your child” and “I have to help them, to give them hope, I can’t give up on them”. I have tried to tell them there is a way to still love them but not enable them…… I am met with blank stares or a look of how mean I am if I say things like, “This is their problem, and they are not to live with us.” His daughter is currently in rehab but tried to leave. Her mother told her that if she left, that she would call CPS to take away her own daughter she has. She is almost two. She is in a rehab where you can keep your children with you. Please give me some other things to say to my husband to help him understand and truly support me in this situation. I have always been viewed as the evil step mother even from my own husband. The lack of support from him is heartbreaking and even his family is viewing me that way. His son is currently in jail so his situation is on hold at the moment but when he was released before I was looked upon as being cruel when would not allow him to stay with us. I have an 8 year old daughter myself and it’s not healthy to expose her to this. Any help/advice would be appreciated.

needingabreak

Is his daughter leaving rehab before she is due to or is she done? Can she not go to a sober living house? How about he helps with that instead of having her live home?
It is very difficult to tell an enabler who has been co-dependent (and if I may suggest possibly feeling guilt over a divorce) that he cannot help his child. Has he ever gone to an al anon or nar anon meeting? This may help him. Also many rehabs have family weekends where they learn all about co-dependency and enabling. Has he looked into this with the rehab she is at?

BlueChair

Things sound tense between you and your husband right now. This may not be what you want to hear, but there are different ways to go about addiction and recovery. But your married, and sounds like you have a child together? I would work towards some kind of compromise. maybe the two of your could air your differences out in front of a counselor who could help mediate ?

heavenis445

Thank you so much for your responses! Yes, we have an 8 year old daughter together. My husband's daughter has an almost two year old daughter who she is keeping in rehab with her. I told my husband that she is not allowed to live with us. She is an adult and the reason why she is in rehab this time around is due to a relapse. Her mother set her up in an apartment, she was there for a year, but didn’t get a full time job, stayed on welfare and relapsed. The apartment is gone. Now she came to us last weekend and said she has nowhere to go when she leaves rehab and decided she wanted to leave now and could she stay with us while she looks for a job. She listed all of these things she PLANS to do, but I know it’s just talk, she has done nothing different and it’s all about how we can help her. It’s the same situation over and over again. This time, she has three months sober and expects us to let her live with us after she had a great apartment and lots of other enabling tools at her disposal. My mother would cart her all over town and buy her things. She never worked steady and stayed at home all day. She is staying in rehab at the moment because her mother told her if she left, she would call CPS to take her baby away. I see this all for what it is, she is manipulating, trying to make us feel sorry for her and solve her problems. My husband is feeding right into it. After she left super angry at me over me saying three months sobriety is nothing and how we could help her with rent at a sober living house, my husband proceeded to tell me, he went along with what I said but he doesn’t’ agree with her not living with us. She is very immature, of course because of the addiction and acted like a spoiled brat and had a fit when she didn’t like what she heard. I told her she was an adult and it was inappropriate for her to live with us. She said she wanted to be with her family. I told her she was part of our family, but she could not live with us. She had to support herself. Which meant get a full time job, and at night on the weekends we could see her, it’s what people who have jobs do. You work, you live paycheck to paycheck, you hate it but you do it. She got very angry at me and said I was condescending to her and made her feel unwelcome. I wish I hadn’t been vocal about helping her pay for a sober living house because she said that made her feel unwanted at our house. She twisted things around and said, “Oh, you can have me over and my baby for the good times but when things get tough, it’s figure it out on your own. “ She also said I made her feel horrible. Well, over the weekend, the rehab she is in is claiming she tested positive for Xanax so in essence she sunk herself, and the issue of her coming to live with us is moot at this time. She just showed everyone she is nowhere near ready to leave rehab. Not that is helps at all, but I now feel justified by saying no to living with us. I have drug my husband to counseling over the years, the are so painful, he thinks he is so superior and it would cause such stress between us. He feels that counselors don’t have the answers so why listen to them.

Issues and responses I am dealing with:
Husband thinks that since addiction is not curable and there is no sure fire way to stop it, going to counseling or alanon is worthless. He feels that no one knows what they are talking about. He feels that going to AA doesn’t help everyone, he feels the program can help some people but the professionals have no idea how to cure the disease.
These are some examples of what is said to me when I state my feelings or make statements about situations. My statement is first and my husband’s response is in parentheses…..
Your children’s problems are not yours. (Yes, they are, they are my children)
I do not feel comfortable having your son who has been in prison to stay with us. (Oh, that’s ridiculous, that is my son)
Your children have to deal with consequences. (My son got arrested because he felt like things were hopeless. If he lives with us, he will have some hope)
Your daughter and her baby cannot live with us. (She wants to be part of our family and feel accepted)
We cannot help an addict with things they should be doing for themselves. (I can’t let them be homeless). When I say that yes he can, he gets angry and says he can’t let that happen.
He has always been the weekend father, never really being an involved parent so when they were young he never really was a father. I don’t know if he feels guilt over this, but I do know that now he feels pressure to be a “good parent” and “help” his children. He is afraid to look bad to his family who have no experience with addiction and who think I am being cruel by not letting his children stay in our home. He has never agreed with any of my opinions, even then the children were younger and either walked away from me when issues would arise or look at me like I was mean. Now the problems they cause are worse, the worse kind, deadly, not only to themselves but to our own relationship. He has never ever supported me in front of his kids. He has passed on my opinions and rules but it has always been completely see thru, that these rules and opinions are not his, he is just passing on what I say.
He truly thinks that giving his children a place to live will help them get on the right path to be clean and sober. It’s all they need, that hope, that help to make a change. He thinks every time is different, even if it is the same exact situation, but this time he thinks it will be different. He can’t do what he calls give up on his children and help them. I say all the typical responses I have read and seen about addiction and it’s like talking to brick wall. First he makes excuses for them, doesn’t want to believe the bad and when it’s in fact true, mishandles the situation every single time and I’m talking myself blue in the face trying to give healthy advice. I’m viewed as a witch or I have no idea what I’m talking about or my views are completely invalid, because his children come first.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry that you're going through this, but I'm thankful and happy that you found us.

I will defer to those of us who have been in similar circumstances (I don't have kids). What I have learned here, and in group settings such as Al Anon, is that the challenges facing the parents of addicted children, adult or otherwise, are tremendous. The decisions that parents have to make regarding their kids are often unthinkable, and the price they personally have to pay in order to be safe is huge. My hope is the situation with your husband and his children does not come down to that. But it may, and you will have to prepare yourself for that.

I encourage you to share and to connect with members that have been in similar circumstances. Your mind needs to be fully opened and engaged, for what you will learn here will, if you allow it to, save your sanity.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

heavenis445

Bluechair, my idea of compromise was to offer to help her pay for sober living or to rent a room. When my stepdaughter heard that she got very angy and she felt like she was not welcomoe in our house. My husband later on after she left said he felt the same way. I fully explained why to both of them, and they don't get it.

heavenis445

Yes, it is fully to the point where I understand our marriage is in danger. So many times he has chosen to enable his addict children and hurt me. I understand the reasons behind it but I realize his reasons are not healthy. I understand he is first a father but he has to realize that his decisions hurt the part of his family that does not suffer from addiction. Thank you for taking the time to respond.

Stucco

What are your options if you can't get through to him? Are you willing to take your 8 year old daughter and live somewhere else?

An 8 year old needs to have a safe home. She is likely to be negatively impacted by the chaos that an active addict will bring. If your husband is not ready to accept that, you may need to separate for her sake.

heavenis445

Yes I have thought about separation but at this point he is not allowing them to live with us but telling me he is going along with my wishes but not agreeing with them. So that's fine now.

silentrun

I think you are absolutely right to say no. If it is causing this much turmoil before she is even there it is going to be a problem. Understandably he wants to help his daughter but if you can do it with money instead that would be better.
My 27 year old stepdaughter is staying with us right now. She has been diagnosed with conversion disorder and is undergoing treatment. She is doing good so it hasn't been a problem.
My husband was actually the one who expressed concern about this arrangement. He said the same things you did. She is an adult, this puts our current household under pressure and he is worried about what our daughter might be exposed to.
I would think you might benefit from some counseling because you can see where he is coming from but you really do have valid concerns.

Lotusangel

I am a parent of a 23 yo addict son. I married my husband when my three children were all teenagers. My addict son lived with us in our home until the addiction came up (their father passed away when they were 3, 6, & 8). My husband is very supportive of me but he doesn't understand addiction either. He grew up with a stay at home mom and a military dad. I came from a single parent home and then I also became a single parent. So my children are my world!!!

It is so hard to exercise that tough love and think that you are going to make your child homeless. It's beyond opposite of what a parent would do. My son doesn't live with us, but he does live in a condo we own. I don't think I could have him live in my home. It's hard enough having him live in a property we own and him not taking full responsibility. I think most parents of addicts just feel judged even though our spouses are probably not doing the judging. I often have conversations with my husband when I start feeling uncomfortable about the whole situation. I explain to him that I would never put him in a position where he is compromised or feel disrespected but that I also want to try to make the best decision in how I am going to support my son in his sobriety.

I do agree with you, though, that since there is an 8-year old daughter, I would not allow the AD to live with you because unfortunately all the attention will be direct toward the addict. I believe helping out with the sober living situation is a good and healthy compromise. Granted, you can help until the AD gets on her feet with a job, etc. Set a deadline for this. IMO, you don't have to prove that she will or will not fail (no one really wants her to fail). Most parents won't want to hear that negative comments about their child. Maybe state that you do believe she can make it and you both have to give it try to see what she can accomplish.

Not sure, just my opinion. I have a lot to work on myself as well with m AS. Good luck to all the parents.

GardenMama

I would highly recommend that you find an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting in your area, even if you have to drive an hour to get there. They are a huge support for all kinds of family in situations such as yours. You are navigating and trying to manage a lot of different relationships and situations. Please try to take care of yourself and get to a meeting where you can meet others face to face who are dealing with the same things. Peace & prayers!

heavenis445

I am so greatful for all the posts. I wanted to let you know I joined a naranon forum and I have taken down the info for two live meetings in my area and am gathering the courage to go. Hopefully if I go to meetings maybe I can get my husband to go. I can't stand anymore being viewed as not knowing what I'm talking about or being rediculious in my views or just plain being viewed as a heartless witch. The blank or even mean stares I get from my husband I can't stand anymore. I don't like feeling like I should be greatful to my husband for his half feeling support. I wish he would handle this situation better, it's always mishandled and I come in and give advice that is shunned. I know my views are healthy, he is not but it's so painful. I need to be around people who can help me deal.

heavenis445

So just told the husband I joined your group and have the information about two live meetings to attend. He thinks the groups are useless, they don't have the anwers so why bother. We had a talk and I told him how could it hurt the situation and he said tough love has not proven in any way shape or form the way to go. But at least there was hope, he could hear how upset I was getting and I was calm but upset. He said he will go with me to a meeting and be pleasant but he sees no use in it all all. He said he will go in support of me. soooooo looking foward to this. not.

CaringScared

How does your husband respond when you raise concerns about your eight year old?

hopeful4

I am afraid I would take the stance of being honest and saying, that is correct, you are an addict and until you prove over the course of a very long time you are not relapsing, you are not welcome to LIVE in my home.

The truth is hard, but it is the truth. I understand your husband is afraid and feels helpless, that is just why he needs help also. I am sure that the rehab would support your decision, do they have family support? Could he attend that with you?

By your offering help in a sober house, that is huge and she is being very ungrateful. Many people make it w/out the help of anyone else.

heavenis445

He says well, her seeing all of this will make her never want to use drugs.

heavenis445

I'm a basket case at my desk right now. Lovely. My husband called again to check on me and he is concerned and says don't cry he will go with me to the meeting. ug

GardenMama

I hope you have a fulfilling experience at your meeting tonight. I am glad your husband is joining you, for whatever reason. It is easy to blow of the possibility of something working when it means we are the ones who might have to change! I am glad he turned around.

As for the impact on your 8 year old, no one has any idea what effect it will have on her in the future, but there WILL be one. If she were my daughter, there's no way I would allow an addict, in early recovery or not, back to live in my home. Children absorb so much, it could even make her anxious about things that wouldn't occur to you. I hope your husband can somehow see how damaging this could be for his youngest. I hate what my 16 yo has witnessed in our home and wish I could take it all away.

Keep in touch with us here on SR. And take good care of yourself. The meeting is a great first step!

silentrun

I don't see this as a tough love thing. Other people are involved in this and their needs have to be taken into consideration. Most of all your 8 year old. When this situation with my stepdaughter was really bad my husband tried the "not your daughter" thing on me. I was taking off work because someone had to watch her 24 hours a day...sitting in ER rooms 8 hours at a shot...and talking to doctor's just trying to figure out what was going on. He actually told me to stop doing all that because it wasn't my problem.
I think it was just a stress reaction from him. Of course I love her. Of course she is important in my life. She is my husband's daughter and my daughter's only sibling.
These are very stressful times for a family. I am glad he is willing to get on board with a meeting. He probably needs to go more than you.