I have to give it up completely
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 176
I have to give it up completely
I don't know if I belong in this section, but I haven't been here in almost 3 years so I feel like a newcomer.
When I checked my registration date, I couldn't believe it had been that long! In that time, I did an outpatient program, decided I didn't want to stop, kept drinking (and even kicked it up a notch), got sick over and over at the end of last year, which forced me to stop (or at least significantly curb my intake). After recovering from my colds/flus, I transitioned into moderate drinking (average one day a week, total of 1-3 drinks each time) and succeeded in doing so for almost five months.
I really thought it was over, this thing I have with alcohol, but I had to make a painful decision to put my cat to sleep earlier this month, and that led me to binge a few times. So the reason I'm back is that I have come to the realization that I have serious withdrawal symptoms from the three days of binging. I had the typical hangovers before (vomiting, fatigue), but what I have now is different and it scares me (shakiness, forgetfulness, chest tightness, feeling uncoordinated, difficulty focusing, intense anxiety). All that, even though I'm drinking LESS than I was before I became a "moderate" drinker. In retrospect though, I think I did have the more severe symptoms before, but never stopped drinking long enough to think clearly or acknowledge that those symptoms were from alcohol withdrawal.
Now I know that drinking like a "normal" person for 5 months didn't really heal my body at all, and I have to give it up completely. I'm angry with how I've abused my body all these years. After reading about non-acute withdrawal symptoms, I realized I was experiencing many symptoms all through this year without even knowing it. I've been trying to train for an intense hiking trip and there would be days when I felt tired for no reason. It was frustrating and thought it meant I was over-training, but now I think I was wrong.
My body is telling me it doesn't want me to drink at all. I feel that the desire comes from deep within this time, and not because I "should" give it up. I hope that makes the difference between success and failure. I remember this forum was great and a huge support last time, so I thought I'd come back to do this abstinence thing with you guys. If you've read this far, I thank you, and I hope to be a more active member of the community here.
When I checked my registration date, I couldn't believe it had been that long! In that time, I did an outpatient program, decided I didn't want to stop, kept drinking (and even kicked it up a notch), got sick over and over at the end of last year, which forced me to stop (or at least significantly curb my intake). After recovering from my colds/flus, I transitioned into moderate drinking (average one day a week, total of 1-3 drinks each time) and succeeded in doing so for almost five months.
I really thought it was over, this thing I have with alcohol, but I had to make a painful decision to put my cat to sleep earlier this month, and that led me to binge a few times. So the reason I'm back is that I have come to the realization that I have serious withdrawal symptoms from the three days of binging. I had the typical hangovers before (vomiting, fatigue), but what I have now is different and it scares me (shakiness, forgetfulness, chest tightness, feeling uncoordinated, difficulty focusing, intense anxiety). All that, even though I'm drinking LESS than I was before I became a "moderate" drinker. In retrospect though, I think I did have the more severe symptoms before, but never stopped drinking long enough to think clearly or acknowledge that those symptoms were from alcohol withdrawal.
Now I know that drinking like a "normal" person for 5 months didn't really heal my body at all, and I have to give it up completely. I'm angry with how I've abused my body all these years. After reading about non-acute withdrawal symptoms, I realized I was experiencing many symptoms all through this year without even knowing it. I've been trying to train for an intense hiking trip and there would be days when I felt tired for no reason. It was frustrating and thought it meant I was over-training, but now I think I was wrong.
My body is telling me it doesn't want me to drink at all. I feel that the desire comes from deep within this time, and not because I "should" give it up. I hope that makes the difference between success and failure. I remember this forum was great and a huge support last time, so I thought I'd come back to do this abstinence thing with you guys. If you've read this far, I thank you, and I hope to be a more active member of the community here.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Welcome back, NightsWatch!
First off, excellent handle. I've been a fan of the Fire and Ice books for many years. I've reread the entire series a few times. Turns out, drinking and reading mean that i got to reread many of my book again while sober. Much more interesting and i was able to keep that complicated story together in my head a lot more! Saved a ton of money on books, lol.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat passing. I've lost a few pets and it's such a terrible feeling in your heart. My oldest cat, Harley Quinn, is loafing out next to me. I keep telling my husband that when she passes, he's going to have to dig a big enough hole for the two of us. This cat has been right by my side through all my difficulties. She's my best friend (after my hubs and mom...usually). Just know that as the pain fades, the happy memories become stronger and stronger until they are brighter than the pain. The feeling of loss never truly goes away but after some time, we feel the full impact their lives have had on ours and we realize that they did not just touch our souls, they became part of it and we carry a piece of their spirit with us forever.
I've heard alcoholism described as becoming a pickle. A cucumber can become a pickle but a pickle can never become a cucumber again. I figure, i was drinking normally for a portion of my life but one day, i tipped over the edge and became a pickle. I can act like a cucumber for a while but in the end, i'm a pickle and that's that. Fine by me. I'm fine being a pickle as long as i stop trying to will myself into being a cucumber again.
Welcome to the pickle jar. You're in good company.
First off, excellent handle. I've been a fan of the Fire and Ice books for many years. I've reread the entire series a few times. Turns out, drinking and reading mean that i got to reread many of my book again while sober. Much more interesting and i was able to keep that complicated story together in my head a lot more! Saved a ton of money on books, lol.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat passing. I've lost a few pets and it's such a terrible feeling in your heart. My oldest cat, Harley Quinn, is loafing out next to me. I keep telling my husband that when she passes, he's going to have to dig a big enough hole for the two of us. This cat has been right by my side through all my difficulties. She's my best friend (after my hubs and mom...usually). Just know that as the pain fades, the happy memories become stronger and stronger until they are brighter than the pain. The feeling of loss never truly goes away but after some time, we feel the full impact their lives have had on ours and we realize that they did not just touch our souls, they became part of it and we carry a piece of their spirit with us forever.
I've heard alcoholism described as becoming a pickle. A cucumber can become a pickle but a pickle can never become a cucumber again. I figure, i was drinking normally for a portion of my life but one day, i tipped over the edge and became a pickle. I can act like a cucumber for a while but in the end, i'm a pickle and that's that. Fine by me. I'm fine being a pickle as long as i stop trying to will myself into being a cucumber again.
Welcome to the pickle jar. You're in good company.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome back to the Forum!! 
I can relate to the body finally saying no more, I tried moderately drinking, but nothing improved, in fact I always spiralled back to as bad as ever, abstinence was my only way forward, and my body now really appreciates it!!
I can relate to the body finally saying no more, I tried moderately drinking, but nothing improved, in fact I always spiralled back to as bad as ever, abstinence was my only way forward, and my body now really appreciates it!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: CA
Posts: 176
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS 
First off, excellent handle. I've been a fan of the Fire and Ice books for many years. I've reread the entire series a few times. Turns out, drinking and reading mean that i got to reread many of my book again while sober. Much more interesting and i was able to keep that complicated story together in my head a lot more! Saved a ton of money on books, lol.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat passing. I've lost a few pets and it's such a terrible feeling in your heart. My oldest cat, Harley Quinn, is loafing out next to me. I keep telling my husband that when she passes, he's going to have to dig a big enough hole for the two of us. This cat has been right by my side through all my difficulties. She's my best friend (after my hubs and mom...usually). Just know that as the pain fades, the happy memories become stronger and stronger until they are brighter than the pain. The feeling of loss never truly goes away but after some time, we feel the full impact their lives have had on ours and we realize that they did not just touch our souls, they became part of it and we carry a piece of their spirit with us forever.
I'm so sorry to hear about your cat passing. I've lost a few pets and it's such a terrible feeling in your heart. My oldest cat, Harley Quinn, is loafing out next to me. I keep telling my husband that when she passes, he's going to have to dig a big enough hole for the two of us. This cat has been right by my side through all my difficulties. She's my best friend (after my hubs and mom...usually). Just know that as the pain fades, the happy memories become stronger and stronger until they are brighter than the pain. The feeling of loss never truly goes away but after some time, we feel the full impact their lives have had on ours and we realize that they did not just touch our souls, they became part of it and we carry a piece of their spirit with us forever.
And thank you for your kind words about my kitty. I never imagined that it would hurt so much, and I have come to accept that I will never stop missing him. He and my other cat were the only constants in my life in the last 12 years, and like you said, they have been there through all my difficulties. That creates such a deep bond and attachment.
Even though I did binge a few times, I'm happy that for the most part, I haven't been trying to numb the pain of losing him with alcohol. One thing I learned the hard way is that we don't get to skip over the painful emotions we will inevitably feel living our lives. They're always waiting for us when the alcohol wears off, and they bring nasty friends like guilt and shame. I also don't think what I did for the last 10+ years of my life constitutes living my life. It fills me with regret, but I can't turn back time, so I have to accept that I did this to myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi and welcome back. I found that lasting sobriety, even if I didn’t like it at times, requires work. First I needed to become honest with myself about MY drinking. Next I needed to accept I cannot drink in safety because I’m an alcoholic. Next I needed to ask for help on a daily basis and for me that was going to meetings and getting involved. Many of us are undisciplined people who want to do things our own way and in my case it wasn’t working until the above started to happen.
BE WELL
BE WELL
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Welcome back! The best thing about all of this is that you realize that you have to give it up completely and there is no going back. Towards the end of my drinking I experienced some similarities in that I was drinking less than before but physically hurting more. I saw that as my cue to sign off.
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