PurpleWilder

Physically, I'm looking pretty good. Eating much better, exercising a lot, taking care of my skin, hair and nails.....

But inside I feel the ugliest I have ever been. I realize that I have just started CODA so I am raking up a lot of stuff from my marriage and divorce that I buried or just let slide. But the recent developments with XAH and his GF are really making me angry, resentful and obsessive.

I don't wanna get back with him - for eff's sake, no. But I feel like he owes me something - an apology, an amends....SOMETHING. He claims that he has worked all 12 steps - funny, I never got my amends from him. And he is so effin smug about the GF - he messes with her when the kids are over. They know but as my DD said, "What can I do?" Makes me sick to my stomach.

Part of this is jealousy, I know. I want to move on. I want to find someone. But I have to deal with all this emotional baggage as well as being largely responsible for the emotional development of two pre-teens. He claims he wants more time with them and is gonna take me to court to get joint residential custody - um, hello? You went camping with your GF for 4 days, skipping your regular visitation day. The last time you had them? You left them at home while you went out for sushi with the GF. Nice, real nice. So please - go to court. Waste your money. You are not spending time with them even when you have them so you want more? Right. Our family friend says he is just quacking but that is not the point. It is the mentality that is ticking me off. I just need to cut contact as much as possible.

I know I just need to work on my own program. I will never get an apology, cause abusers are never really sorry. The anger is seething out of me and I am sick of it. I want to be pretty on the inside too. I want someone to see that in me. I want to see that in myself. But I Cant. Get. Past. This. WTF?

Advice, writing exercises, books, project ideas would be appreciated.

Hammer

Where are you on your Steps?

lillamy

I Yes. Do. Limit contact to simple logistics regarding the kids. Nothing else. What he does or doesn't do when the kids are over is out of your control. My ex would do that too -- lock himself in his bedroom with his GF while the kids were watching TV in the next room. You know what he's doing, right? He's showing the kids that his GF is way more important to him than they are. They might not be able to verbalize that, but trust me, they feel it. And it hurts. And they will remember it. And it will affect their relationship with him.

I think refusing to think of him and what he's doing at all is a necessary first step. After I left AXH, I still sort of had this strange tie to him, as if anything he did had any bearing on my life. It didn't, other than it affected the kids. He could date blondes in their 20s and it didn't say a damn thing about me. He could buy a new BMW and not pay child support and while it was infuriating, it didn't say a thing about me. It just said a lot about him.

The anger you're feeling isn't you being ugly on the inside. You are not your feelings. You are beautiful on the inside. You're feeling a bunch of stuff that you define as ugly. In reality -- it's just feelings. Just chemical reactions.

PurpleWilder

I am starting a Step workshop tomorrow after my CODA meeting. I know this will help clear a lot of this crap up but I am just getting restless. Oh God, give me patience.....and give it to me right now!

hopeful4

What lilamy said is so true. And remember, when a relationship ends you may grieve, part of that is angrr. It wont last forever, you will realize through the steps all that resentment hurts one person, you.

Good luck, hugs!

PurpleWilder

Signed up for computer classes this morning....I'm on my way!

hopeful4

Good for you, have a wonderful and successful class!

AnvilheadII

think it through a bit....how would an "I'm Sorry" from him CHANGE anything? do yourself a favor and let go of expecting an amends. when you start working the steps and get to your own amends making, you'll gain a new perspective. and you'll know what someone who is TRULY working the steps and living the program LOOKS like.......

PurpleWilder

So I started my Step workshop at CODA last night. We 5 ladies are meeting every other week for an extra hour after the regular meeting and working out of the blue workbook. I didn't have enough money for the workbook but they had copied the Step One section for me and I used that instead.

It was good. Really good. We are all looking forward and a bit nervous about what we are undertaking but are all determined to get through it all. So hopefully about a year from now, I will have been through all the Steps. I know it won't be pretty, but I am hoping that I will be a better person on the other side.

Thanks for all of your help, SR folks. I love ya lots!

hopeful4

I am so happy to hear your CODA meeting was good! That is great! How was the computer class?

You know what, it is a big responsibility but you can do it and you will come out so glad you did it!

Have a happy happy day!

PurpleWilder

Thanks for the support!

The computer class starts on July 7th and runs for 7 weeks. I need to improve my computer skills so I can get a regular job and make a heck of a lot more money and get less dependent on child support.

ellaj

Been right there feeling exactly the same thing. Learning that resentments are normal. Learning that alcoholics are incredibly selfish. You may never get that apology. I too have been waiting for a long time. Maybe more for the validation that he recognizes the wake of destruction that he caused. Like you, I doubt I will get it. I am trying to learn to forgive and it is hard! It's a heavy burden to carry around. You can feel it dragging you down. I have a quote that I found and I read it every day. "Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got." -R. Brault
Sometimes you have to take the higher road and focus on what makes you happy.