Court tomorrow
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
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Court tomorrow
Haven't posted in a while and I haven't really been on to read in awhile either. I go to court tomorrow for the hearing on the emergency PFA order that was signed a little over a month ago. I'm nervous to see my AH tomorrow. He has an attorney. I don't. I have been told I don't need one as the victim.
I know this is a no judgement zone. So please try and remember that when you read the rest of my post. Yes you all told me not to and I didn't listen. Some lessons we need or at least I need to learn the hard way. My AH and I have been texting and talking on the phone. He seems to genuinely be sooty and want to change. I believed all of his lines and lies. Even though my gut was telling me not to. Well bits and pieces of his anger would appear occasionally and then last night the old him was back in full force and today his text and voicemails have been awful. I stopped answering the phone because I couldn't handle the abuse. He is just saying awful hurtful things to me and I know it is over and I know I have to get away. But knowing that in my head and truly believing it now is something my heart doesn't know yet.
Anyway I just needed to vent. I'm sure his attorney will try and have the judge arrest me tomorrow and order me and my kids out of the house etc and I'm fine to face whatever I have to face. I have stopped saying why me. I am realizing that I am walking the path God has made for me. And I will be strong enough to walk right through this and into the next step
Or chapter. I'm just nervous and very sad about all of it.
I know this is a no judgement zone. So please try and remember that when you read the rest of my post. Yes you all told me not to and I didn't listen. Some lessons we need or at least I need to learn the hard way. My AH and I have been texting and talking on the phone. He seems to genuinely be sooty and want to change. I believed all of his lines and lies. Even though my gut was telling me not to. Well bits and pieces of his anger would appear occasionally and then last night the old him was back in full force and today his text and voicemails have been awful. I stopped answering the phone because I couldn't handle the abuse. He is just saying awful hurtful things to me and I know it is over and I know I have to get away. But knowing that in my head and truly believing it now is something my heart doesn't know yet.
Anyway I just needed to vent. I'm sure his attorney will try and have the judge arrest me tomorrow and order me and my kids out of the house etc and I'm fine to face whatever I have to face. I have stopped saying why me. I am realizing that I am walking the path God has made for me. And I will be strong enough to walk right through this and into the next step
Or chapter. I'm just nervous and very sad about all of it.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you Hammer! I guess I realize more than ever there were two very sick people in this marriage. I have ordered every book that anyone on here has suggested and hopefully through that and maybe counseling and salmon or a code group I will be able to heal one day and be healthy.
Thanks for your supportive posts!
Thanks for your supportive posts!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
No judgement from me either. I also had to learn the hard way, then when I thought I really needed to communicate with him, I had saved the nasty texts, the nasty voicemails and I listened to those and read those.
Do you have the DV advocate with you?
Wishing you the best, just remember you are strong, a lot stronger then him.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
Do you have the DV advocate with you?
Wishing you the best, just remember you are strong, a lot stronger then him.
((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
O honey, you will never received any judgements from me. I was all over the place with my X husband for 18 years!!!!
I would imagine you are imagining the worst at court. Just b/c he and his attorney wishes it to be so does not mean it will be. Promise.
I have watched a couple of cases in court. It seems to me that there is a lot of human judgement on the side of the judge and less about the law from what I saw.
Good Luck, you are going to be fine. Stay strong.
I would imagine you are imagining the worst at court. Just b/c he and his attorney wishes it to be so does not mean it will be. Promise.
I have watched a couple of cases in court. It seems to me that there is a lot of human judgement on the side of the judge and less about the law from what I saw.
Good Luck, you are going to be fine. Stay strong.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Thank you all so much for allowing the judgement free zone! And for all of the support and well wishes.
The bottom line I was told by the advocate is that the PFA order has been extended until middle of September. My AH was there. He looked so handsome. I tried not to look at him. His attorney came over to me and wanted to take me into a room to ask me questions. I just shrugged my shoulders and followed him. He opened the door where my advocate was and started to back out and find another room and I looked at the advocate who understood what I was doing and told him he could talk to me in there with her. He is so stupid and had no idea what was supposed to happen today or next week at the criminal hearing. The advocate had I educate him. He was however extremely aggressive towards me. And after he left the room the advocate said they were trying to rattle me. He came over to me a few more times and asked me to get my AH's mail and bring it in etc. and the advocate told me they tried to have the judge order that AH could come to the house and get some things. I asked if I could take whatever he needed to his attorney's office. After the advocate and the attorney and my AH went into the court room she came out and said the judge didn't order him to be able to do that. She looked at me and said no contact and do not respond to his texts etc. so I do not know if anything was brought up or not. She told me to call her tomorrow.
But AH was aggravated that I had caused all of this and he said I was walking in the room crying and shaking playing up the victim role. I wasn't playing anything! He also said it was all my fault he had to leave work and be there and he was very angry about what I had caused. He doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. And a couple different times he has said I smashed a frame over his head one time. I have no memory if this ever occurring and when I told him that the first time he said it to me, he got so angry that I didn't remember and said I didn't do that, he yelled and then hung the phone up. He also said that he was tired of him being the only one blamed for anything and that he was a good husband to me. I asked him when and how. I am exhausted and drained. I sat in the corner of the waiting room and tears were rolling down my face because of the situation, the way his attorney was talking to me and my AH without his wedding band and just shaking his head in disgust. If the situation was reversed I never would have sent my attorney over to badger him. And I would have stopped him and tried to talk to the advocate to see if he was ok of I saw him upset. At one point he and his attorney were in the hall laughing. And they looked at me while I was crying. There was a 20 something year old kid sitting there, he had gold teeth, tattoos, long dreadlocks, very red eyes and at one point he got up and came back 10 minutes later with a stack of paper towels for me. Never judge a book by its cover! When I was leaving I turned and thanked him for his kindness and he looked at me and said tell him to cool off. I don't know if he meant my AH or AH's attorney. But it have me great comfort that someone else saw this as wrong also.
The bottom line I was told by the advocate is that the PFA order has been extended until middle of September. My AH was there. He looked so handsome. I tried not to look at him. His attorney came over to me and wanted to take me into a room to ask me questions. I just shrugged my shoulders and followed him. He opened the door where my advocate was and started to back out and find another room and I looked at the advocate who understood what I was doing and told him he could talk to me in there with her. He is so stupid and had no idea what was supposed to happen today or next week at the criminal hearing. The advocate had I educate him. He was however extremely aggressive towards me. And after he left the room the advocate said they were trying to rattle me. He came over to me a few more times and asked me to get my AH's mail and bring it in etc. and the advocate told me they tried to have the judge order that AH could come to the house and get some things. I asked if I could take whatever he needed to his attorney's office. After the advocate and the attorney and my AH went into the court room she came out and said the judge didn't order him to be able to do that. She looked at me and said no contact and do not respond to his texts etc. so I do not know if anything was brought up or not. She told me to call her tomorrow.
But AH was aggravated that I had caused all of this and he said I was walking in the room crying and shaking playing up the victim role. I wasn't playing anything! He also said it was all my fault he had to leave work and be there and he was very angry about what I had caused. He doesn't believe he has done anything wrong. And a couple different times he has said I smashed a frame over his head one time. I have no memory if this ever occurring and when I told him that the first time he said it to me, he got so angry that I didn't remember and said I didn't do that, he yelled and then hung the phone up. He also said that he was tired of him being the only one blamed for anything and that he was a good husband to me. I asked him when and how. I am exhausted and drained. I sat in the corner of the waiting room and tears were rolling down my face because of the situation, the way his attorney was talking to me and my AH without his wedding band and just shaking his head in disgust. If the situation was reversed I never would have sent my attorney over to badger him. And I would have stopped him and tried to talk to the advocate to see if he was ok of I saw him upset. At one point he and his attorney were in the hall laughing. And they looked at me while I was crying. There was a 20 something year old kid sitting there, he had gold teeth, tattoos, long dreadlocks, very red eyes and at one point he got up and came back 10 minutes later with a stack of paper towels for me. Never judge a book by its cover! When I was leaving I turned and thanked him for his kindness and he looked at me and said tell him to cool off. I don't know if he meant my AH or AH's attorney. But it have me great comfort that someone else saw this as wrong also.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Wow searching, I just want to give you some hugs. I went through this also and the kid at the end of it, wow. That kid had empathy when your AH had none.
I remember the courtroom and my ex being cold as h3ll. It made me feel like I didn't even exist. Then out of no where you get an act of kindness from the person that you least expect it from, just renews your trust in the human race.
I'm here for you. Thank you for reaching out today. It helped me also.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
I remember the courtroom and my ex being cold as h3ll. It made me feel like I didn't even exist. Then out of no where you get an act of kindness from the person that you least expect it from, just renews your trust in the human race.
I'm here for you. Thank you for reaching out today. It helped me also.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
I want to take the order for the protection from abuse away. I want to reverse the charges that are pending in the criminal court. Does anyone know how to do that? I called and left a message for the city attorney's office and I called the police and they were really mad (rightfully so) but I do not want to ruin my AH's life. And this will. He said he will get fired. He hates me. I have never heard the kind of hate from him as he has towards me. And I accept that. But I don't want him to suffer because I called the police. I know our marriage is over. I knew today looking at him and when he talked to me, it was clear that he hates me and will never get over this. And that I accept and understand. But since we are not going to be together, can I stop these hearings and charges. He said he would leave us alone and let us get out of the house. I do not want anything from him. I just want to be able to get the kids out of the house and him not so anything to us. And I don't want his life ruined because of me. Has anyone ever dropped charges or reversed an order from protection?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If the situation were reversed would he show you the same sympathy and consideration? I know you don't want to be "the bad guy" here. I totally understand. I grew up eating emotional $h!t sandwiches so that other people could be spared from unhappiness. I thought it was my job to make everyone like me and make them feel good and okay and happy all the time.
Happiness is an inside job. You didn't make him abuse you, you didn't make him angry you didn't make him do anything. He is a grown man who chose to abuse you, and now he is choosing to get angry that you protected yourself. Dropping the charges will not solve anyone's problems, and it may well endanger you and your children. That's where your focus needs to be.
It is so hard to withstand disapproval. I know it feels like the most shameful, horrible thing ever when someone is angry with you or doesn't like you or is upset about a choice you made. But that is their choice. He could use this as a learning experience and work to become a better person because of it. Instead he is choosing to try to intimidate and manipulate you. You didn't "get him in trouble" he got himself in trouble.
Stay strong. We are all behind you. You have so much strength to endure what you did today, just hang in there a little longer. Hugs.
Happiness is an inside job. You didn't make him abuse you, you didn't make him angry you didn't make him do anything. He is a grown man who chose to abuse you, and now he is choosing to get angry that you protected yourself. Dropping the charges will not solve anyone's problems, and it may well endanger you and your children. That's where your focus needs to be.
It is so hard to withstand disapproval. I know it feels like the most shameful, horrible thing ever when someone is angry with you or doesn't like you or is upset about a choice you made. But that is their choice. He could use this as a learning experience and work to become a better person because of it. Instead he is choosing to try to intimidate and manipulate you. You didn't "get him in trouble" he got himself in trouble.
Stay strong. We are all behind you. You have so much strength to endure what you did today, just hang in there a little longer. Hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Searching peace.....do not make any decision before talking to a domestic abuse counselor and your and court advocate. Listen to them--and no one else about this. They have the experience and your welfare is their number one priority.
Abuse tends to escalate and grow worse each time.
Trust the people who have your welfare at heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
Abuse tends to escalate and grow worse each time.
Trust the people who have your welfare at heart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2014
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I know what the best thing to do is. But I so not want to ruin his life because of me. I don't care anymore what he does to me.i don't care if he hates me. I just do not want to be responsible for him loosing his job. I don't want to ruin his life. And who and I to do that? Why is my safety or peace of mind and more important that his peace of mind? And he tells me I am awful to him. He tells me I was abusive to him our whole marriage. So maybe I am the one that is in denial or really sick. How do I say his feelings and thoughts are less important than mine? What if in his opinion the way I spoke to him was abuse or the the way I acted towards him? I don't think it was but he doesn't think he was abusive to me either. So maybe I am the one wrong.
Regardless, if I don't get these charges dropped, he is going to do something to me. I think he and his atty are already trying to file charges against me and turn this around on me. He continues to say I hit him over the head with a frame? And he is saying he didn't throw anything at me the night of the arrest. I know he did. But it is his word against mine. I just want all of this to go away. I want to be able to get away from him safely but not at his expense.
I know he is very abusive. But he is going to argue that I am. And while I know I am not. He thinks he isn't. I just want to so what he wants and walk away from him. I think if I don't get these charges dropped he will do something to harm or kill us. And he keeps complaining about having to find somewhere to live. And he is insistent the children and I stay in this house. It is almost scary the way he is insisting. I don't care anymore what happens to me. I know my kids will be fine without me. I have been so stressed from all of the chaos and turmoil my first husband causes and the abuse and Alcoholic life of my second husband that I am not a good mom to them. I am always stressed and always having to deal with not having money to pay for their things and my AH doesn't want me to spend time with them when he is here. I'm rambling. I just want this to stop. I want my kids to be ok and I want my AH to be able to have his job and his life. It kills me that he will never be healthy and will always blame me for all of his problems. But I truly do accept that now. I know he will never love me. And I know he will kill me the next time given another chance. And I'm not sure he won't turn this around on me so that I have to experience what he has. He keeps talking about how humiliated he is and how I have ruined his life. And when I say it has been humiliating for me, he just yells at me. I just want this to end.
Regardless, if I don't get these charges dropped, he is going to do something to me. I think he and his atty are already trying to file charges against me and turn this around on me. He continues to say I hit him over the head with a frame? And he is saying he didn't throw anything at me the night of the arrest. I know he did. But it is his word against mine. I just want all of this to go away. I want to be able to get away from him safely but not at his expense.
I know he is very abusive. But he is going to argue that I am. And while I know I am not. He thinks he isn't. I just want to so what he wants and walk away from him. I think if I don't get these charges dropped he will do something to harm or kill us. And he keeps complaining about having to find somewhere to live. And he is insistent the children and I stay in this house. It is almost scary the way he is insisting. I don't care anymore what happens to me. I know my kids will be fine without me. I have been so stressed from all of the chaos and turmoil my first husband causes and the abuse and Alcoholic life of my second husband that I am not a good mom to them. I am always stressed and always having to deal with not having money to pay for their things and my AH doesn't want me to spend time with them when he is here. I'm rambling. I just want this to stop. I want my kids to be ok and I want my AH to be able to have his job and his life. It kills me that he will never be healthy and will always blame me for all of his problems. But I truly do accept that now. I know he will never love me. And I know he will kill me the next time given another chance. And I'm not sure he won't turn this around on me so that I have to experience what he has. He keeps talking about how humiliated he is and how I have ruined his life. And when I say it has been humiliating for me, he just yells at me. I just want this to end.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Searching, I think I know just how you feel. In my state it is called a Restraining Order. I had one against my ex. It was for the first time that he gave me a black eye, and a concussion. Here I was in the hospital feeling sorry for him!!!!!!!!!!!. Worrying about him and his job. He even went for an alcohol evaluation and attending some kind of alcohol treatment, and went to DV services.
He worked for the Government. I believed him when he said that he might lose his job. He never did lose the job.
He also never hit me again, till 2 years later, when he left permanent scars on my face. I of course didn't even call the cops that time because I was so afraid that he might lose his job.
After he hit me again, he said to me, are you going to use that to make me stay with you? That just got me really sick. This is so hard for me to write. It makes me want to vomit up bile. I left him that year, not immediately after that attack, but I did leave that year.
The PFA most likely will not cause him to lose his job. He is just looking after himself, and not caring about you.
Now I could be wrong, but I think the PFA just gives you added protection if he ever hits you again. It's just a piece of paper. Paper doesn't stop a fist, and it doesn't stop a bullet. I really hate being that blunt about this.
The time that he hit me and left scars, I never did go to the hospital, or called the police, I was too afraid that he would lose his job. BUT what about me? I look at my face everyday, and I remember.......
He worked for the Government. I believed him when he said that he might lose his job. He never did lose the job.
He also never hit me again, till 2 years later, when he left permanent scars on my face. I of course didn't even call the cops that time because I was so afraid that he might lose his job.
After he hit me again, he said to me, are you going to use that to make me stay with you? That just got me really sick. This is so hard for me to write. It makes me want to vomit up bile. I left him that year, not immediately after that attack, but I did leave that year.
The PFA most likely will not cause him to lose his job. He is just looking after himself, and not caring about you.
Now I could be wrong, but I think the PFA just gives you added protection if he ever hits you again. It's just a piece of paper. Paper doesn't stop a fist, and it doesn't stop a bullet. I really hate being that blunt about this.
The time that he hit me and left scars, I never did go to the hospital, or called the police, I was too afraid that he would lose his job. BUT what about me? I look at my face everyday, and I remember.......
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Talk to an advocate and the counselor.
From where I sit SP, that restraining order is the only thing offering any protection to you
and your children. You need to think about them, not just how guilty you feel right now.
I also agree with others, I don't think having a restraining order taken out against a person
would be anything they would get fired for. Why would he be laughing with the lawyer if
the judge extended it then?
He is using fear, guilt, and intimidation to try and get you under control once again.
It seems to be working, and given his past actions and attitude towards you yesterday
you would be very foolish to allow him unrestricted access to you, your kids, or your home at this time.
Don't mean to make you worry, but that is really what I see.
Call the advocate, and get a therapy appointment (emergency if needed) to get some
support and more information. Maybe the DV shelter / hotline or advocate can help
you find someone?
From where I sit SP, that restraining order is the only thing offering any protection to you
and your children. You need to think about them, not just how guilty you feel right now.
I also agree with others, I don't think having a restraining order taken out against a person
would be anything they would get fired for. Why would he be laughing with the lawyer if
the judge extended it then?
He is using fear, guilt, and intimidation to try and get you under control once again.
It seems to be working, and given his past actions and attitude towards you yesterday
you would be very foolish to allow him unrestricted access to you, your kids, or your home at this time.
Don't mean to make you worry, but that is really what I see.
Call the advocate, and get a therapy appointment (emergency if needed) to get some
support and more information. Maybe the DV shelter / hotline or advocate can help
you find someone?
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by searching peace 
But I so not want to ruin his life because of me. [....] I don't want to ruin his life. [....] Why is my safety or peace of mind and more important that his peace of mind?
I think the last question I quoted above should be turned around: Why is HIS peace of mind more important that your safety? I had to re-frame the same type of question after trying to get a restraining order against AXH. It's hard to do, I know.
You deserve to be safe. You deserve to feel worthy of empathy. He's not going to give you either. No safety, no empathy. Him laughing with his attorney kind of shows that. I don't think that some one who is remorseful for their actions, who is mortified that something they did brought them to court, who understands that their actions hurt some one they professed to love, would be laughing at such a hearing. Not before, not immediately after.
It is not your fault. It's his. His actions. His consequences.
Are you talking to a DV counselor? Are there support groups that you could attend to help lend you support through this? I know attending the support groups at the local DV shelter helped me immensely as I was dealing with trying to get away from AXH. You deserve to be and feel safe.
((((hugs))))
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