Court result not good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Court result not good
Hi Sr friends
Gosh the settlement conference was stressful. It started off okay but the judge kept pussyfooting around the hard bits & left that til the end.
We reached agreement on so much but already knew that.
I had already put a clause in stating that if things were not resolved today I would be going for the holidays to be shared equally & I had to draw on that card at the very end.
The XH doesn't want to have the children in the holidays except for a difficult weds night right in the middle on them. Grrrr.
I was prepared to take responsibility for ALL the holidays, but wished the weds night to be removed.
The only time he wants them in the Xmas holidays is for a 7 day period if & when he wants them. I do believe he also wants the weds night in there too although this is no longer clear as I drew my card right at the end & we were out of time & I was not prepared to be bullied into doing something that I feel is disruptive, after all I've had the school holidays for the past 71/2 years even though he was the one that put in initially they were to be shared equally.
Well now all I can do is prepare my paperwork for lawyer. I will go for half the holidays, I have a job & work just like he does so it is fair.
I may get what I want & then again I may not.
I think the whole process could have gone differently if my draw card was talked about in the beginning but there was a clause in legals stating my position & I was within my rights to do so.
Unfortunately the judge was not very happy & I think he thought I was a time waster but it's not my fault he didn't read the initial fineprint is it?
I have never been through this process before so how did I know what to expect.
I'm through with bowing down to everything XH wants. He ran off to another country to live, I stayed & I have raised good kids.
It is up to a judge to decide now.
Thanks for letting me vent. Unsure how I feel now, angry, sad, scared ........
Gosh the settlement conference was stressful. It started off okay but the judge kept pussyfooting around the hard bits & left that til the end.
We reached agreement on so much but already knew that.
I had already put a clause in stating that if things were not resolved today I would be going for the holidays to be shared equally & I had to draw on that card at the very end.
The XH doesn't want to have the children in the holidays except for a difficult weds night right in the middle on them. Grrrr.
I was prepared to take responsibility for ALL the holidays, but wished the weds night to be removed.
The only time he wants them in the Xmas holidays is for a 7 day period if & when he wants them. I do believe he also wants the weds night in there too although this is no longer clear as I drew my card right at the end & we were out of time & I was not prepared to be bullied into doing something that I feel is disruptive, after all I've had the school holidays for the past 71/2 years even though he was the one that put in initially they were to be shared equally.
Well now all I can do is prepare my paperwork for lawyer. I will go for half the holidays, I have a job & work just like he does so it is fair.
I may get what I want & then again I may not.
I think the whole process could have gone differently if my draw card was talked about in the beginning but there was a clause in legals stating my position & I was within my rights to do so.
Unfortunately the judge was not very happy & I think he thought I was a time waster but it's not my fault he didn't read the initial fineprint is it?
I have never been through this process before so how did I know what to expect.
I'm through with bowing down to everything XH wants. He ran off to another country to live, I stayed & I have raised good kids.
It is up to a judge to decide now.
Thanks for letting me vent. Unsure how I feel now, angry, sad, scared ........
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
Sending you hugs and good for you to remind yourself not to be bullied and to have those boundaries set up in place before hand. You are amart to have an out if things ran too long so you were not rushed or forced to agree to something. And your XH is only trying to hurt you and cause you stress. He could care less about those kids he cares only to continue to hurt you as much as possible! Stick to your guns and keep up the great job! You should be proud of yourself for standing your ground and protecting your rights! Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
It seems court proceedings relating to divorce and custody vary greatly depending on where you live. I do think doing it the way it seems you're doing it is a sensible way (and hopefully one that won't ruin you financially through lawyer's fees).
I'm a little bit confused as to what it is you're arguing over -- is it that he doesn't want the kids enough?
I'm a little bit confused as to what it is you're arguing over -- is it that he doesn't want the kids enough?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
Ok, he started legal proceedings against me after returning from another country & wanted joint custody (week about)
I offered one overnight per week alongside the every 2nd weekend we already had in place.
The childrens lawyer confirmed that they also wanted 1 overnight per week & every 2nd weeked.
I wanted a Weds, he didn't want that cause he would have to do the gym run for one of the girls so he wanted Thurs night. Thurs was my only free night the children aren't committed so I kinda needed it. It was altered to a thurs 1 week & a weds the nest week.
Then he wanted Thurs tapped on to weekend giving Thurs-Sun & I have agreed to that.
I wanted holidays to be shared equally but he has this sick thing about if he is working he can't have the children in the holidays. (even though we have holiday programmes & I offered him the support of my parents!)
Ahem....I am working yet I have arranged care for the holidays for the past 71/2 years even though he put in the original agreement he wanted shared equal.
In the interests of myself & not wanting to end up in financial debt over a court hearing I agreed to take responsibility for ALL the holidays & all he wanted was a 7 day period over Xmas hols.
He wants me to take all that responsibility & he wants to continue with the Thus-Sun & a weds overnight in holidays meaning a disruption for me right in the middle of it.
He wants a 7 day to 2 week hol over the xmas period in a time to suit him & I do the rest.
It's all about what he wants, when he wants it, without taking any responsibility.
I've had enough.
I didn't want the disruptive weds & I put a clause in saying if agreement wasn't reached yesterday that I would be going for half of the holidays (shared equally).
And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
It would make life a lot easier for me holiday wise & I have to live this order until 2019 but a lot harder when the lawyers bill comes in.
So be it. I've been fighting the craziness of holidays for 71/2 years, I've tried hard to accommodate him & on his terms, I made a final offer that I would have them but it didn't work.
Let the judge decide, I will live with it regardless of the result, it will be in black & white & then I can start living my life & planning my year with the children.
Grrr frustrating, don't know why it has to be this hard.
I offered one overnight per week alongside the every 2nd weekend we already had in place.
The childrens lawyer confirmed that they also wanted 1 overnight per week & every 2nd weeked.
I wanted a Weds, he didn't want that cause he would have to do the gym run for one of the girls so he wanted Thurs night. Thurs was my only free night the children aren't committed so I kinda needed it. It was altered to a thurs 1 week & a weds the nest week.
Then he wanted Thurs tapped on to weekend giving Thurs-Sun & I have agreed to that.
I wanted holidays to be shared equally but he has this sick thing about if he is working he can't have the children in the holidays. (even though we have holiday programmes & I offered him the support of my parents!)
Ahem....I am working yet I have arranged care for the holidays for the past 71/2 years even though he put in the original agreement he wanted shared equal.
In the interests of myself & not wanting to end up in financial debt over a court hearing I agreed to take responsibility for ALL the holidays & all he wanted was a 7 day period over Xmas hols.
He wants me to take all that responsibility & he wants to continue with the Thus-Sun & a weds overnight in holidays meaning a disruption for me right in the middle of it.
He wants a 7 day to 2 week hol over the xmas period in a time to suit him & I do the rest.
It's all about what he wants, when he wants it, without taking any responsibility.
I've had enough.
I didn't want the disruptive weds & I put a clause in saying if agreement wasn't reached yesterday that I would be going for half of the holidays (shared equally).
And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
It would make life a lot easier for me holiday wise & I have to live this order until 2019 but a lot harder when the lawyers bill comes in.
So be it. I've been fighting the craziness of holidays for 71/2 years, I've tried hard to accommodate him & on his terms, I made a final offer that I would have them but it didn't work.
Let the judge decide, I will live with it regardless of the result, it will be in black & white & then I can start living my life & planning my year with the children.
Grrr frustrating, don't know why it has to be this hard.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I laughed out loud in my office when my daily internet deals came in & amongst it was this:
Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex
What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You
By Amy J. L. Baker, Paul R. Fine
Needless to say I ordered a copy, I'm sure there's a lot of SR friends on here who could benefit reading this book too.
Co-parenting with a Toxic Ex
What to Do When Your Ex-Spouse Tries to Turn the Kids Against You
By Amy J. L. Baker, Paul R. Fine
Needless to say I ordered a copy, I'm sure there's a lot of SR friends on here who could benefit reading this book too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I had a night off the kids lastnight & spent it organising paperwork for my lawyer.
While I was doing this the texts rolled in from XH.
Here's why:
This weekend, both the girls have sports competitions at same time in different cities.
It is not my weekend with the girls but I am going to one of these sports events as a volunteer.
I'd previously txt XH (2 wks ago) explained how both comps fell & that I was in a position to take one of the girls as I was going anyway. He approved it saying if it was alright with my daughter it was alright with him.
Then lastnight I get a text saying he did not realise she would be gone the whole weekend (due to travel distance I am staying over) & that I was breeching our agreement & it was totally unacceptable.
WTF?
I had asked my daughter twice to fill him in on the necessary details & she forgot & obviously did it lastnight. I normally wouldn't relay through her but the emails I send him aren't effective or he chooses not to read, he doesn't have a landline so I can't ring him & its too much for txt.
Bang my head against a wall.
I am doing him a favour & he goes off at me at something he's already approved.
Am I reading this right? Am I to blame for this that & the other thing here?
I don't see where the problem is?
One parent focusses on one competition with one child while the other does the same.
Even if my daughter had gone with someone else the circustances would be the same (except that maybe when she got back at night he may not be back).
I am so sick of being the bad guy here.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
While I was doing this the texts rolled in from XH.
Here's why:
This weekend, both the girls have sports competitions at same time in different cities.
It is not my weekend with the girls but I am going to one of these sports events as a volunteer.
I'd previously txt XH (2 wks ago) explained how both comps fell & that I was in a position to take one of the girls as I was going anyway. He approved it saying if it was alright with my daughter it was alright with him.
Then lastnight I get a text saying he did not realise she would be gone the whole weekend (due to travel distance I am staying over) & that I was breeching our agreement & it was totally unacceptable.
WTF?
I had asked my daughter twice to fill him in on the necessary details & she forgot & obviously did it lastnight. I normally wouldn't relay through her but the emails I send him aren't effective or he chooses not to read, he doesn't have a landline so I can't ring him & its too much for txt.
Bang my head against a wall.
I am doing him a favour & he goes off at me at something he's already approved.
Am I reading this right? Am I to blame for this that & the other thing here?
I don't see where the problem is?
One parent focusses on one competition with one child while the other does the same.
Even if my daughter had gone with someone else the circustances would be the same (except that maybe when she got back at night he may not be back).
I am so sick of being the bad guy here.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending hugs, Rosie.
I haven't had to deal with DS and sports events yet, so no real experience, but lots of support coming your way. Maybe let him figure out the logistics - You've let him know you'll be going to one event so he has one option already.
Maybe for future comps on his weekend, just a couple quick texts along the lines of
Text 1:
DD1
Sports Event
Venue, City/Neighborhood
Date, Time
Text 2
DD2
Sports Event
Venue, City/Neighborhood
Date, Time
Let him figure out if there's an overlap, scheduling or logistics conflict. And if he can't figure it out, or ask you to help with transportation, it's on him. Figuring that stuff out is part of parenting. (I say this *knowing* that I wouldn't really trust AXH to figure it out and come up with a viable solution... sorry.)
I haven't had to deal with DS and sports events yet, so no real experience, but lots of support coming your way. Maybe let him figure out the logistics - You've let him know you'll be going to one event so he has one option already.
Maybe for future comps on his weekend, just a couple quick texts along the lines of
Text 1:
DD1
Sports Event
Venue, City/Neighborhood
Date, Time
Text 2
DD2
Sports Event
Venue, City/Neighborhood
Date, Time
Let him figure out if there's an overlap, scheduling or logistics conflict. And if he can't figure it out, or ask you to help with transportation, it's on him. Figuring that stuff out is part of parenting. (I say this *knowing* that I wouldn't really trust AXH to figure it out and come up with a viable solution... sorry.)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I emailed him ages ago daughter number , place, date, comp fee & due date for paperwork. When the time came in I emailed & text that.
He didn't do the paperwork nor pay the fee & I was called by the coach querying it as it then incurred a late fee.
I did the paperwork & paid the fee just so that my daughter could attend.
Daughter number 2 comp came in after that.
I only just received the volunteer required time this morning.
We are competing together.
I would not have a problem with him being there, except, well, he can't.
XH has not ever been responsible for daughter number 1s comp & is a good opportunity for him to see what she does & to focus on her.
He has attended daughter numbers 2 comps before.
I'll tell you what once this is over, no - I don't need to help him anymore, he can figure it out for himself & he can start taking some responsibility for his children.
I'm done (soon)
He didn't do the paperwork nor pay the fee & I was called by the coach querying it as it then incurred a late fee.
I did the paperwork & paid the fee just so that my daughter could attend.
Daughter number 2 comp came in after that.
I only just received the volunteer required time this morning.
We are competing together.
I would not have a problem with him being there, except, well, he can't.
XH has not ever been responsible for daughter number 1s comp & is a good opportunity for him to see what she does & to focus on her.
He has attended daughter numbers 2 comps before.
I'll tell you what once this is over, no - I don't need to help him anymore, he can figure it out for himself & he can start taking some responsibility for his children.
I'm done (soon)
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