Distress
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 2
Distress
Hello,
I am new to the forums but I have 4.5 years clean and sober. I am in a bad place. My wife and myself both got clean, her a few months before me. She has recently started drinking again. I just don't know what to do There is no talking to her when shes been drinking. When she is sober she says the same old thing she won't do it again and so on. I love her so much and it is killing me to watch her do this. She will not go back to treatment or to meetings. I don't want to leave her for many reasons most important is that I love her and if I do she will really go off of the deep end. Besides that there are all of the financial reasons. Fortunately the kids are all grown and gone. I haven't been to a meeting since my last birthday in March. If I show up without her there will be to many questions and drama over it on both ends. The honesty was the first thing to go I can't take the lies since we cleaned up in 2010 there has been honesty in all aspects of our relationship. The relapse doesn't bother me as much as the lying it hurts when she looks in my eyes and tells me bold faced lies. I did it back in the using days but that was a long time ago and after everything we've been through I think that no matter what she can be honest with me its not like we both haven't been down this road before we got clean. I just need some advice from someone not connected to the situation which is no one in the local recovery scene everyone at the meetings knows us and I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone that she has relapsed which just includes the people here at the meetings. Albuquerque is not that big especially in the recovery scene everyone knows everyone else s business which is part of why we quit attending local meetings regularly to begin with.
I am new to the forums but I have 4.5 years clean and sober. I am in a bad place. My wife and myself both got clean, her a few months before me. She has recently started drinking again. I just don't know what to do There is no talking to her when shes been drinking. When she is sober she says the same old thing she won't do it again and so on. I love her so much and it is killing me to watch her do this. She will not go back to treatment or to meetings. I don't want to leave her for many reasons most important is that I love her and if I do she will really go off of the deep end. Besides that there are all of the financial reasons. Fortunately the kids are all grown and gone. I haven't been to a meeting since my last birthday in March. If I show up without her there will be to many questions and drama over it on both ends. The honesty was the first thing to go I can't take the lies since we cleaned up in 2010 there has been honesty in all aspects of our relationship. The relapse doesn't bother me as much as the lying it hurts when she looks in my eyes and tells me bold faced lies. I did it back in the using days but that was a long time ago and after everything we've been through I think that no matter what she can be honest with me its not like we both haven't been down this road before we got clean. I just need some advice from someone not connected to the situation which is no one in the local recovery scene everyone at the meetings knows us and I promised her that I wouldn't tell anyone that she has relapsed which just includes the people here at the meetings. Albuquerque is not that big especially in the recovery scene everyone knows everyone else s business which is part of why we quit attending local meetings regularly to begin with.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
First off, welcome to the forum.
It must be very upsetting seeing this from someone you love so much.
What options are you willing to try?
You say you won't leave her, and you won't tell anyone she's relapsed.
So, sorry to be blunt, you've said you will enable and lie for her.
Since you are in recovery, you know that's the truth.
So either you accept her drinking as she is and wait for her "maybe" to stop
or you change the equation.
How might you do that hypothetically speaking?
It must be very upsetting seeing this from someone you love so much.
What options are you willing to try?
You say you won't leave her, and you won't tell anyone she's relapsed.
So, sorry to be blunt, you've said you will enable and lie for her.
Since you are in recovery, you know that's the truth.
So either you accept her drinking as she is and wait for her "maybe" to stop
or you change the equation.
How might you do that hypothetically speaking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Albuquerque, NM
Posts: 2
Thanks Hawkeye13 I know its just so hard. I thought cleaning up was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but this is harder than that. I look back at all of the things I've done and the people I've hurt and I know how they must have felt my close friends and family i mean. Part of it is that I just don't get it with the alcohol that was never my thing I hate the feeling of being even a little buzzed on it. I was into something else for a long time. The stuff I was doing put my whole family at risk. I hate to say it but getting arrested for manufacturing was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Even after I got out I still did it even after court ordered treatment. Finally I couldn't slide through the parole and ended up having to finish it behind bars. During that last stretch my wife cleaned up and laid down the law when I got out. It was clean up or it was over. I did, but it was hard. I didn't even know anyone who wasn't a tweeker and had to rebuild my life from scratch. She was there for me 100% the whole way. The emotional trauma of doing the 4th,5th, 8th and 9th steps were the most difficult things I have ever done and now I feel so helpless with her. I want to be there and I can be until she starts drinking. Part of me is like "fine do what you want I am tired of arguing about it and I will be here for you." It is just the collateral damage and cleaning up her messes. I wish I could just not clean up her messes and let her deal with the consequences but they have repercussions that affect me as well. Nothing is ever simple and I HATE it when people say keep it simple it is just not possible. I guess I just needed to get that off my chest. I tell her how I feel but she could care less once she starts. anyway thanks for letting me share. If I find a solution maybe I will post it and someone else may benefit from it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome Anthony. Have you considered al-anon or a different AA meeting for yourself if you don't want to go to your old home group? It's difficult to accept, but you cannot fix her or love her back to sobriety...only she can,and you know that from your own personal struggle. You need to get help for yourself too, I hope you can.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
I'm sorry for your situation Anthony but I'm glad you found us - I know you'll find a lot of support here 
I think Scott's suggestion about Al Anon is a good one too - why not get all the support you can?
D
I think Scott's suggestion about Al Anon is a good one too - why not get all the support you can?
D
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Hey, Anthony. That's a rough situation you're in. It makes me so sad to think about how my addiction made me act towards my husband. I lied to him, oh how I lied! I lied right to his face and he bought it. Then, I got too drunk to hide it but I lied anyways and he was so hurt. I didn't lie because I didn't love him. I didn't lie because I didn't care about him. I lied because I was afraid. I was selfish and self centered and scared silly. I was embarrassed at my behavior and I was afraid that if I told my husband that I was drinking, he'd take my alcohol away. I knew if I told him what was going on, it would be harder for me to keep drinking and everything in my body and mind screamed at me to not stop drinking. When I came clean to him was when I got back on the wagon. It was too hard to drink and be honest with him or anyone.
I think you need to do what you need to do for your sobriety. Keeping her secret isn't helping her. Since y'all have quit attending meetings, I assume you're also not talking to a sponsor or other sober alcoholics. Gonna let ya know, people are probably assuming that something's up. My recommendation is to let your wife know that you're going to be attending meetings. I think Al-anon would be helpful and AA would get you back on your program. You don't have to talk about her in AA if you don't want to. I'd just let her know that her behavior is endangering your sobriety so you've decided to step up your meeting attendance. You're there for yourself, not to air her dirty laundry. Her fear of people in the program finding out about her relapse cannot keep you from working on your own sobriety.
She's probably going to be mad. I know I would be because I would feel like my husband was doing this to shame me. Again, when I drink I become extremely self centered. It's all about how things relate to me. Firmly remind her that you are doing this for yourself, not to shame her. Hopefully, she'll see that her drinking isn't something that just effects herself. She'll find out that her drinking has once again reached a level where it cannot be kept a secret.
That's my suggestion. Get back with the people who can help you. Don't let her using isolate you. Isolation is deadly for us.
I think you need to do what you need to do for your sobriety. Keeping her secret isn't helping her. Since y'all have quit attending meetings, I assume you're also not talking to a sponsor or other sober alcoholics. Gonna let ya know, people are probably assuming that something's up. My recommendation is to let your wife know that you're going to be attending meetings. I think Al-anon would be helpful and AA would get you back on your program. You don't have to talk about her in AA if you don't want to. I'd just let her know that her behavior is endangering your sobriety so you've decided to step up your meeting attendance. You're there for yourself, not to air her dirty laundry. Her fear of people in the program finding out about her relapse cannot keep you from working on your own sobriety.
She's probably going to be mad. I know I would be because I would feel like my husband was doing this to shame me. Again, when I drink I become extremely self centered. It's all about how things relate to me. Firmly remind her that you are doing this for yourself, not to shame her. Hopefully, she'll see that her drinking isn't something that just effects herself. She'll find out that her drinking has once again reached a level where it cannot be kept a secret.
That's my suggestion. Get back with the people who can help you. Don't let her using isolate you. Isolation is deadly for us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
AlAnon is a very good idea, and I also agree with DG that this is isolating you
and may be putting your sobriety at risk.
Go back to meetings at least.
It is fantastic she stood by you, but I notice you said "get clean or its over" and that worked.
Maybe you need to think about what she did and apply your version of it to this situation?
and may be putting your sobriety at risk.
Go back to meetings at least.
It is fantastic she stood by you, but I notice you said "get clean or its over" and that worked.
Maybe you need to think about what she did and apply your version of it to this situation?
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