isitme

I've been in a constant re-negotiation with myself and my relationship for years. Leaving, not leaving, staying for the kids, the house, or the finances. As more and more time passes I can see the truth. We don’t mesh anymore. I’m tired of trying. I can see myself on the other side of this fiasco, but I can’t for the LIFE of me see my way through it.

I know the preferred method is to not really say anything, make your plans, see the lawyers and just go. However, that brings the most enormous amount of guilt in me. If feels horrible. Like I just need to give him a heads up? Why do I feel so strongly that way? It’s done nothing but hold me back in the past.

If anyone has the time I’d love to hear some of the stories about how you got from here to there - from an un-fulfilling marriage to the other side. I’m not scared of being along or even single parenting. I’m scared of the process of saying I’m leaving and moving out. How do you stay strong through that process?

lillamy

I think it depends on what your relationship looks like. For me, that was never an option -- my ex was always teetering on the edge of physical violence, and I also knew that if I started talking to him about leaving, he would crank up the volume on his verbal abuse to the point where I would no longer be able to take it but agree to staying. I think somewhere I knew that he would cross over to physical abuse once I used the D-word. I had started planning my escape, but he cut my plans short by almost a year by forcing the issue. I didn't leave; I more ran.

Not all alcoholics are like him. Friends of mine who divorced (he was the A) did it completely amicably. He had been an RA for years and when he relapsed and stayed relapsed, he had enough recovery in him to realize that it made sense for her and the baby to leave.

I do think it's important to be honest with yourself and weigh risks. If you feel like your marriage is largely just unfulfilling because of his drinking -- that he's not abusive -- maybe you can tell him. Maybe you are able to be upfront and say "I don't want to be married anymore." That wasn't an option for me. I wish it had been. That's how normal people divorce.

SparkleKitty

Avail yourself or build a real-life support system -- family, friends, therapist, lawyer. People to hold your hand when you are feeling weak or weary, people to remind you of your conviction when you feel guilty. People to keep you on track when you are lost.

SR is phenomenal support resource, but face-to-face help is necessary and invaluable. Sending you strength and courage.

Blossom717

I understand the guilt you feel. Its like living a double life almost. I'm making my plans now, but he doesn't know. While I'm doing this I have to pretend I'm "happy" at home. I don't like doing it. But I don't see any other way!

You've seen in my recent posts some of the obsticles...without him even knowing. I have no idea what his reaction would be to do if he knew my plans. He's not typically violent but we have a lot of loaded guns here and there (out of reach of daughter) in the house. I am also worried because I know he's tried to tell my brother I was the one with the drinking problem, kind of gaslighting in a way. So I don't know what his plan was with that.

Good luck! feel free to message me, like you said yesterday, we have a lot in common going on!

Tansy

My experience is not quite out the other side yet but getting there. Like you I didn't like the idea of just going. I couldn't anyway. We have a house together and 7 children, 4 of whom have disabilities and the rest still in college and living at home. I also have an animal rescue. Just upping and going wasn't an option for me. I told him it/we were were over. I set out a plan first of selling the house, splitting the equity 50/50 and going our separate ways and he went for it. Enthusiastically actually now he knows he will get a paid off house out of it. It's all about what's best for them.

It's been hard. I've good friends I can call and see and enough space in the house to have separate rooms - even then it's got very tense. I have a day out every week away from him and spend my evenings in my own room. It hasn't worked. His issues. I couldn't stand any more, were still in my face, the mess each morning, his closed off, hung over state, the lying. Saying he would be civil then going behind my back to enlist support from my older children and picking fights and them all ganging up on me. Just him being him really. The marriage was over so someone had to go asap.

I decided after not eating for a month, my autistic son walking around with industrial ear defenders on and his twin being hyper with his diabetes and various other stress issues, enough was enough. I told him if he didn't move out I would get an injunction to force him out. At first he refused cos it didn't suit him but he came around to the idea when he realised I actually could go to court and keep the house , possibly indefinitely, for our disabled sons and he'd get nothing. He decided at that point to go and is going in 3 weeks to live with relatives.

I'd say its easier if you have somewhere to go and can move out yourself. I'd just pack up and leave when he 's in a coma or drunk. Leave a note if you can't bear to not say anything. Just steel yourself and do it. xx

Santa

I was told a story about a mutual acquaintance. One day she filed for divorce from her husband of 20+ years. He said he was shocked. She said, "Why are you shocked? I've been telling you I'm going to divorce you for at least 10 years!"

As for myself, my XAH had been threatening me with divorce for years if I didn't march to his tune. I finally said I will take you up on it. I'm not living like this anymore.

Florence

I think it's about making decisions for yourself, giving yourself the permission to make space for you without your user and abuser's input.

I think always asking for permission and always asking for validation -- especially from people who are bad for you -- is part of co-dependency.

isitme

Ouch! And TOTALLY the truth!!!

Florence

Hey, I know it because I live it! For years my confidante was my emotionally immature narcissist mother. When I stopped going to her for stuff, I started hearing my own voice and making better decisions for me.

hopeful4

I did it the way you said. I was in the same boat for years waivering and just could not do it another second.

I made a plan. I talked to the attorney to know my rights and responsibilities. I worked on paying off some bills. I prepared for the worst and hoped for the best. I had to do it this way or I would have never done it, nothing changes if nothing changes.

Good luck to you! We are here for you anytime!

NYCDoglvr

I learned a useful mantra: feelings aren't facts. Just because you feel guilt doesn't mean you've done anything wrong. I suggest starting with Alanon, which helped me take the process one step at a time, one day at a time. It sounds like you've already dealt with the biggest hurdle, thinking that there's anything you can do or say that will change him. It helped me to stop looking at the totality of the issue (a major life change), instead focusing on what actions I had to take today. God bless!

unsureoffuture

I took baby steps. I visited with attorney to know my rights, started saving money, began copying important documents, started working the steps to improve me and my codependany issues, started exploring housing options. Then I just sat back and kept validating there was a problem that I could no longer ignore...yup still drinking, yup still hiding it and acting like a jerk. The fear of the actual confrontation about leaving was the worst but one day I just got the courage to confront him and instantly I felt relief. It went so much better than I had predicted.

allinon

I appreciate all of your stories. You are all so brave. I'm just starting out and realize I have to take things one day at a time. But oh man.... I've been married 30 years. Have so much committed to this relationship. Two kids. From the outside, everything is perfect. And he doesn't hit me, hasn't had any DUIs, etc.

I just realize I am losing myself. I have isolated myself. I do nothing for me. Going out to Al-Anon meeting last week was the first thing I did just for ME, not for kids, husband, dog, etc, in a LONG time.

I don't know how this will play out, but I'm going to start off taking care of me more... doctor's appointments, outings with friends, etc. and just not be home all the time waiting for my AH to come home when he feels like it.

Just need the courage.... will continue to come here and go to F2F meetings for that, as well as daily readings.

Thank you all for your bravery and for sharing!

meggem

I could have written that post myself. I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I felt every single one of those feelings. Every one of them. Repeatedly.

This is how I got from there to here.

In the beginning of June he went ape sh*t in front of my entire family during a beach vacation (and he's 9 months 'sober'). He had completely exposed himself. I couldn't hide it, sugar coat it, explain it away, rationalize it any longer. That was #1.

#2 - I knew the next time I might not have choices (I have a 5 year old and a 2 year old)

#3 - I promised myself and told him that when my oldest was old enough that I could be 100% sure she could form memories and this continued - I would leave.

But the one thing I have never said outloud except for now- is if I stayed, my entire family would lose respect for me. I know they would. I wouldn't blame them. I am very close to my family. That night it happened and the next day I remember thinking - they know now - I have to leave.

I'm not sure which would have been 'better.' going to my family and telling them every single thing and asking for help - or this. Maybe this because my mother saw it for herself.

What happened at the beach was THE most horrifying thing that has ever happened to me. I almost think that hurt more than all of what he did over the 7 years we have been together. But I guess that is what had to happen, I don't know.

isitme

you know meggem - I always thought your story would be what mine was like. Even in old posts I kept telling myself if I could only stay mad enough I would be gone! My friends and family know every bit of the things that go on and can't wait to see the day I leave. They've offered places to stay, moving help, money.. anything I need. I can see that they all see it more clearly than even I can. Obviously it's bad enough to go.. but for some reason I still clam up, still hold on. Kind of like one of Blossom's threads (i think) sometimes I feel like this is just the cards I was dealt, like there's some lesson and obviously I haven't learned it yet. Two weeks ago I felt strong and able, like the time had come. Today.. not so much.

I super appreciate everyone's stories. At least I don't feel alone. I'll keep one day at a timing

Blossom717

HUGS!!!

I totally feel you. My family and friends have offered places to stay, options, the like.

I feel the same today, almost like a deflated balloon. A few days ago the balloon was full of air. But today I feel worn down and tricked...though I'm not sure who tricked me, myself or the alcoholic.

"If only I could stay mad long enough to leave".....That's how I feel. Writing this comment, I thought about it a different way...

Maybe we should say "happy enough to leave" or "optimistic enough to leave", I've been mad for going on 4 years and I'm still here. I'm hoping that if I slowly change my attitude I can see the light. I hope. I hope we all can.

isitme

That makes PERFECT sense... once I can see how good things can really be, when I'm putting the focus back on myself and the things I want out of life instead of the things I don't want. The choice will be clear. You're so smart Miss Blossom

dandylion

Dear isitme and meggem.....what has helped me leave, before is to NOT look at the whole future in one piece---like a huge wall of cold fear. Rather---identifying the SPECIFIC things that scare me....and making a list of them. This is not always so easy, because we have to get really honest with ourselves about what we are really scared Of!!

Then...you can approach each scarey thing with baby steps.
This is how you can move in a forward direction.

Some of the scarey things might be:

1. I'm afraid that nobody else will ever want me
2. I'm afraid that I can't handle the finances
3. I don't want him or others to see me as the "bad guy"
4. I'm afraid that I can't handle the kids by myself
5. I am afraid of a court battle with him
6. I am afraid that I am not strong enough if he wants to come back
7. I am afraid that I am too old to start over
8. I have invested too much to walk away
9. I will be blamed for not keeping the family together
10. I will be too jealous if he finds another woman
11. I am afraid that I will regret my decision, later
12. I am afraid that he will finally get sober and then leave ME!
13. It seems to complicated to sell the house and move the kids

This is just a partial list of what someone might be specifically be afraid of.


dandylion

hopeful4

One thing I will say is that when I got myself out of isolation and started taking better care of me, and stopped lying and covering up for him to others...my life did change.

I began to see that I deserved to have a life outside of all that crap.

XXXX

honeypig

Yet. Those things haven't happened YET. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The "functional" alcoholic who holds a job, doesn't have health problems, has no DUIs, etc., almost certainly will go down that road as time passes. Some go quickly, some more slowly, but not a single one will escape that degeneration.

This isn't along the lines of "how do you get from here to there" but it's sure a REASON for getting from here to there! This is a great thread, and thanks to everybody posting in it.