Here.. Again. Time to start climbing the steep hill of hope, again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Cardiff
Posts: 144
Here.. Again. Time to start climbing the steep hill of hope, again.
Jeez.
Tuff times hey.
I first came on this board in Sept 2012. At the time I was worried about my drinking and felt my life was going out of control. I gave up drinking for 7 or 8 months and then I started again, in 'moderation'. I have never considered myself to be a heavy drinker. My problem is I'm a secret drinker, a sneeker.
My wife has no idea that I have a problem because I am the world heavyweight champion of sneeking. I sneek booze in and I sneek the empties out. I openly drink a beer or two in front of my her but she just does not see the other two I sneek. My average drinking per night is around 3 beers and maybe a couple of glasses of wine. I'm never really drunk, just numb. I really dont know why I sneek, maybe I get a kick out of being a little naughty or I just like the 'control' feeling I have. My wife does not drink much so maybe I feel I have to hide my drinking. Not sure really. Maybe I'm ashamed of how much I drink?
Fact is, whether I'm an alcoholic or not, I have an unhealthy relationship with booze. Its just not right. I'm getting to the point now where I was back in 2012. I feel a bit lost, unmotivated with life and looking for hope and answers.
So I'm back. This place helped me last time so I'm hoping I can get some help, friendship and good advice again.
Thanks
Sneeker.
Tuff times hey.
I first came on this board in Sept 2012. At the time I was worried about my drinking and felt my life was going out of control. I gave up drinking for 7 or 8 months and then I started again, in 'moderation'. I have never considered myself to be a heavy drinker. My problem is I'm a secret drinker, a sneeker.
My wife has no idea that I have a problem because I am the world heavyweight champion of sneeking. I sneek booze in and I sneek the empties out. I openly drink a beer or two in front of my her but she just does not see the other two I sneek. My average drinking per night is around 3 beers and maybe a couple of glasses of wine. I'm never really drunk, just numb. I really dont know why I sneek, maybe I get a kick out of being a little naughty or I just like the 'control' feeling I have. My wife does not drink much so maybe I feel I have to hide my drinking. Not sure really. Maybe I'm ashamed of how much I drink?
Fact is, whether I'm an alcoholic or not, I have an unhealthy relationship with booze. Its just not right. I'm getting to the point now where I was back in 2012. I feel a bit lost, unmotivated with life and looking for hope and answers.
So I'm back. This place helped me last time so I'm hoping I can get some help, friendship and good advice again.
Thanks
Sneeker.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Cardiff
Posts: 144
Thanks for the replys.
I'm glad I came back to this site after so long away. I'm kicking myself that I allowed myself to start drinking again after doing so well for 8 months. I convinced myself that I probably wasn't an alcoholic and that I just needed to keep myself in check. When I first started drinking again I decided that I would only drink when I went out and never at home. That did not last long. As soon as the first sip of alcohol hits the back of my throat its as if I become possessed. My head goes fuzzy and I can almost feel my eyes narrowing and getting glazed like some crazy thirst hungry animal in search of blood.
I'm in denial. I want to be normal and 'enjoy' normal drinking but I'm not responsible enough. When I drink I probably enjoy the first 2 or 3 after that its not enjoyable, my head gets woosey, I get moody and feel guilty. I used to be able to drink normally a few years ago and I guess I cling on to that because I enjoyed that part of my life. I like socialising and like going to bars and restaurants. I can't get my head around not drinking and somehow losing out at social gatherings or celebration. Drinking for me is also kinda tribal, like being part of something. Not being able to drink makes me feel a little bit left out. The problem with the UK is that we associate drinking with down time. Having a drink is our way of relaxing, it's the reward at the end of a hard week. I'm going to find it difficult to rewire my brain to accept that drinking is not the be all and end all of life.
The hardest thing for me is that I quit for 8 months and then relapsed. The reason I relapsed is that I never really accepted my new way of life. Rather than not drink all I did was to avoid being in drinking situation. I used to drive everywhere just so I had a ready made excuse. I would tell lies that I was on antibiotics. I would say stuff like 'I'm trying to lose weight or on a health kick' just to avoid drinking. So what I'm asking here is how is this time going to be any different? I don't want to 'come out' as an alcoholic so saying no to drinking can prove difficult. I remember last time I quit trying to get through Christmas was hard work. Friends and family thought I was being weird and I had so much pressure to drink. I didn't drink but I have to be honest I hated that Christmas and couldn't wait for it to be over. I don't want to go through that kind of thing again.
I think for now I'm just going to take things day by day and hopefully learn on the way. I want to stop drinking but I want to get beyond just avoiding like I did before because for me that only works for so long.
Thanks for reading,
Sneeker (aka Whatsgoingon!)
I'm glad I came back to this site after so long away. I'm kicking myself that I allowed myself to start drinking again after doing so well for 8 months. I convinced myself that I probably wasn't an alcoholic and that I just needed to keep myself in check. When I first started drinking again I decided that I would only drink when I went out and never at home. That did not last long. As soon as the first sip of alcohol hits the back of my throat its as if I become possessed. My head goes fuzzy and I can almost feel my eyes narrowing and getting glazed like some crazy thirst hungry animal in search of blood.
I'm in denial. I want to be normal and 'enjoy' normal drinking but I'm not responsible enough. When I drink I probably enjoy the first 2 or 3 after that its not enjoyable, my head gets woosey, I get moody and feel guilty. I used to be able to drink normally a few years ago and I guess I cling on to that because I enjoyed that part of my life. I like socialising and like going to bars and restaurants. I can't get my head around not drinking and somehow losing out at social gatherings or celebration. Drinking for me is also kinda tribal, like being part of something. Not being able to drink makes me feel a little bit left out. The problem with the UK is that we associate drinking with down time. Having a drink is our way of relaxing, it's the reward at the end of a hard week. I'm going to find it difficult to rewire my brain to accept that drinking is not the be all and end all of life.
The hardest thing for me is that I quit for 8 months and then relapsed. The reason I relapsed is that I never really accepted my new way of life. Rather than not drink all I did was to avoid being in drinking situation. I used to drive everywhere just so I had a ready made excuse. I would tell lies that I was on antibiotics. I would say stuff like 'I'm trying to lose weight or on a health kick' just to avoid drinking. So what I'm asking here is how is this time going to be any different? I don't want to 'come out' as an alcoholic so saying no to drinking can prove difficult. I remember last time I quit trying to get through Christmas was hard work. Friends and family thought I was being weird and I had so much pressure to drink. I didn't drink but I have to be honest I hated that Christmas and couldn't wait for it to be over. I don't want to go through that kind of thing again.
I think for now I'm just going to take things day by day and hopefully learn on the way. I want to stop drinking but I want to get beyond just avoiding like I did before because for me that only works for so long.
Thanks for reading,
Sneeker (aka Whatsgoingon!)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 1,649
When I first quit I felt deprived. That changed to grateful. I now go to all the events I used to but I just say, lemon water please, and if anyone offers me a drink, I just say, No thanks, I don't drink. No excuses. Now people even tell other, she does not drink. I wear it proudly like a badge. While floating in the pool I thought about how I used to enjoy a wine cooler while drifting about. I got a bottle of green tea, and it was great. We have to let go of the romance that alcohol is our friend, and just be proud to be sober and clear headed. I am loving the sober life. Best of luck to you my friend. You can do this, and have a much better life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Even though it has been well over twenty years ago since I quit drinking, I can still remember feeling "deprived" after I quit. That lasted about three years, during which time I engaged in daily self-talk about how much better off I was without drinking.
I had tried to quit so many times before, always going back to "moderate" drinking for short bursts that were followed by daily drinking again, I don't know what finally "took" that last time I quit. In fact, I had bought a bottle of cold duck (my favorite drink) and kept it in the fridge just in case I couldn't hack it. I get it that most people can't and shouldn't do something like that, but for me it was proof that I had a choice. I almost opened it a few times, but I promised myself that I would NEVER open it without trying to fix HALT first (hungry-angry-lonely-tired). That worked for me.
Eventually, I no longer felt "deprived" and the feeling evolved into a sense of freedom I had never felt before. I now feel very fortunate not to be tied to alcohol -- it once controlled where I went, who I did it with, what I did, and when. I did not travel ANYPLACE that I was not certain had booze instantly available upon my arrival. Plane rides were horrible because the two drinks I could manage to purchase on my way without looking "suspicious" were never enough.
My point is this -- life can be really great, and even FAR more fun, without booze. My husband quit a few months after I did. He had also tried over and over again to quit. My success was a challenge to him, and he won the battle, too. We were both drinkers for over 25 years. His capacity was worse than mine was -- he drank over a gallon of wine EVERY day for a LONG time. It scared me to death.
I had tried to quit so many times before, always going back to "moderate" drinking for short bursts that were followed by daily drinking again, I don't know what finally "took" that last time I quit. In fact, I had bought a bottle of cold duck (my favorite drink) and kept it in the fridge just in case I couldn't hack it. I get it that most people can't and shouldn't do something like that, but for me it was proof that I had a choice. I almost opened it a few times, but I promised myself that I would NEVER open it without trying to fix HALT first (hungry-angry-lonely-tired). That worked for me.
Eventually, I no longer felt "deprived" and the feeling evolved into a sense of freedom I had never felt before. I now feel very fortunate not to be tied to alcohol -- it once controlled where I went, who I did it with, what I did, and when. I did not travel ANYPLACE that I was not certain had booze instantly available upon my arrival. Plane rides were horrible because the two drinks I could manage to purchase on my way without looking "suspicious" were never enough.
My point is this -- life can be really great, and even FAR more fun, without booze. My husband quit a few months after I did. He had also tried over and over again to quit. My success was a challenge to him, and he won the battle, too. We were both drinkers for over 25 years. His capacity was worse than mine was -- he drank over a gallon of wine EVERY day for a LONG time. It scared me to death.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by whatsgoingon 
..I never really accepted my new way of life. Rather than not drink all I did was to avoid being in drinking situation. I used to drive everywhere just so I had a ready made excuse. I would tell lies that I was on antibiotics. I would say stuff like 'I'm trying to lose weight or on a health kick' just to avoid drinking. So what I'm asking here is how is this time going to be any different? I don't want to 'come out' as an alcoholic so saying no to drinking can prove difficult...
I suggest you start being honest. With yourself, and with anyone else who impacts your recovery.
The next time you catch yourself not telling someone about your drinking, or your not drinking, or your alcohol problem, or struggles, you pause and look at your motivation. Ask yourself, "What is driving this behavior, this dishonesty?"
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 28
I've thought about the 'feeling deprived thing' at social events, as I've got a few coming up in the next few months that I can't get out of, but I am at a point where if I have that first drink, I am possessed and will carry on drinking until I'm 'fall down' drunk. There's no moderation with me now. Like you I don't drink every day, but I've got to a point where every event that involves alcohol, no matter how civil or small, ends up as a full-blown bender.
I've been like that for a while, and TBH, it's time I took control and said no. I don't want to be the drunkest one at the party, one that doesn't want to leave, acting like a toddler having a tantrum, the one that drinks the bar dry and slurs her words or worse. I can't go out and have 'just one or two'. I've tried that, and all that leads to is immense frustration, or I absolutely HAVE to drop by a 24hr place and buy more alcohol on the way home to consume in secret at home. That's no way to live. In the all or nothing stakes, I'm tired of giving in and letting my brain have it all, I'm now trying nothing.
I've been like that for a while, and TBH, it's time I took control and said no. I don't want to be the drunkest one at the party, one that doesn't want to leave, acting like a toddler having a tantrum, the one that drinks the bar dry and slurs her words or worse. I can't go out and have 'just one or two'. I've tried that, and all that leads to is immense frustration, or I absolutely HAVE to drop by a 24hr place and buy more alcohol on the way home to consume in secret at home. That's no way to live. In the all or nothing stakes, I'm tired of giving in and letting my brain have it all, I'm now trying nothing.
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