I gave him a heads up about the filing and it got ugly.. I almost got confused..
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I gave him a heads up about the filing and it got ugly.. I almost got confused..
Remember I said he seemed to be acting "normal" for two days. Well I gave him a simple heads up about my flat rate file (just sign so this attorney bill doesn't go up) and he quacked and quacked.
When he got home from work - he was on a roll. He told my two year old to call him by his first name.
He threatened that I was keeping my oldest from him and maybe he needs to call the cops for kidnapping (she has been doing occasional overnights with my parents since she was born)
It went on and on. Then he called his parents (who he hasn't spoken to for a year + after putting them through the ringer for years) and told them he was all clean and sober and trying so hard but when we went to the beach my family was drinking and it was so hard for him he had to leave and how well he has been doing and poor him and bad us).
Funny... he embraced my family and destroyed his and now it seems he is going to embrace his and trash mine. That part hurts a lot. I went through a lot of turmoil with him and his "harbored resentments and hurts" about "what" his parents did to him only to find out when he doesn't get what he wants he has no problem switching sides in a blink
His quacking became intimidating to me. I was not sure what he was going to do. Me not engaging didn't seem to be helping and his past history says when he keeps going and going and going - he is not planning on stopping until Until what? I don't know exactly but it's never good.
He kept throwing me out and then when I realized it was time for me to remove myself from this situation with the 2 year old he threatened to call and report her kidnapped. Then after that statement didn't seem to affect me, he was sorry.
I am 100% sure he is not drinking and I am really starting to think he has something else wrong with him (I know duh) Up until now I thought this behavior was him "trying to learn how to be a human without alcohol" but I have to think he is bipolar along with it and/or abusive. well he is but I'm looking for that label.
I emailed the lawyer yesterday morning and said forget about trying to be nice, I want what I am entitled to. I don't deserve this.
Scared, confused, on autopilot and still have the nerve to be surprised.
When he got home from work - he was on a roll. He told my two year old to call him by his first name.
He threatened that I was keeping my oldest from him and maybe he needs to call the cops for kidnapping (she has been doing occasional overnights with my parents since she was born)
It went on and on. Then he called his parents (who he hasn't spoken to for a year + after putting them through the ringer for years) and told them he was all clean and sober and trying so hard but when we went to the beach my family was drinking and it was so hard for him he had to leave and how well he has been doing and poor him and bad us).
Funny... he embraced my family and destroyed his and now it seems he is going to embrace his and trash mine. That part hurts a lot. I went through a lot of turmoil with him and his "harbored resentments and hurts" about "what" his parents did to him only to find out when he doesn't get what he wants he has no problem switching sides in a blink
His quacking became intimidating to me. I was not sure what he was going to do. Me not engaging didn't seem to be helping and his past history says when he keeps going and going and going - he is not planning on stopping until Until what? I don't know exactly but it's never good.
He kept throwing me out and then when I realized it was time for me to remove myself from this situation with the 2 year old he threatened to call and report her kidnapped. Then after that statement didn't seem to affect me, he was sorry.
I am 100% sure he is not drinking and I am really starting to think he has something else wrong with him (I know duh) Up until now I thought this behavior was him "trying to learn how to be a human without alcohol" but I have to think he is bipolar along with it and/or abusive. well he is but I'm looking for that label.
I emailed the lawyer yesterday morning and said forget about trying to be nice, I want what I am entitled to. I don't deserve this.
Scared, confused, on autopilot and still have the nerve to be surprised.
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Originally Posted by Bullfrog 
In my experience, be prepared for the A to cross any line that you assume they would never cross.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I believe most addicts have underlying mental illness. That's just my opinion.
Let him try to report your child kidnapped LOL. A mother cannot kidnap her own child. Beware, neither can the father without a custody order.
His family will figure out his quacking soon enough. Don't let his actions affect your path right now. Try to not know all of those details, they really are not necessary for you to know. My XAH did the same, trashed me to his family that I was very close to. I chalk it up to they know deep down who he is and if they have forgotten, eventually he will remind them. Until then, carry on.
Stay on the attorney. You are doing the right thing.
Hugs.
Let him try to report your child kidnapped LOL. A mother cannot kidnap her own child. Beware, neither can the father without a custody order.
His family will figure out his quacking soon enough. Don't let his actions affect your path right now. Try to not know all of those details, they really are not necessary for you to know. My XAH did the same, trashed me to his family that I was very close to. I chalk it up to they know deep down who he is and if they have forgotten, eventually he will remind them. Until then, carry on.
Stay on the attorney. You are doing the right thing.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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meggem--good for you on keeping your cool. It is very hard to do (I Know from experience) when you are in the middle of a quacking storm.
You are right NOT to worry about labels, at this juncture.
It is enough, right n ow to know that it is unacceptable (by any name) and that you gotta' do what you gotta' do for your own welfare and that of your child.
I found that I had to grow a thick Rhino skin.
dandylion
You are right NOT to worry about labels, at this juncture.
It is enough, right n ow to know that it is unacceptable (by any name) and that you gotta' do what you gotta' do for your own welfare and that of your child.
I found that I had to grow a thick Rhino skin.
dandylion
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from now on, it's best to not keep handing them more bullets, eh? the concept of playing nice and having an amicable split sure sounds great, but you are not dealing with a rational person. you leaving exposes HIS problems and an addict will do anything and everything to protect their addictions and their secrets.
best to have a safety plan. an evacuation plan, just like someone in the path of a volcano or a tsunami. preparing to leave can be a very volatile time. be smart, be safe!
best to have a safety plan. an evacuation plan, just like someone in the path of a volcano or a tsunami. preparing to leave can be a very volatile time. be smart, be safe!
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I don't know how to answer his questions about "whats going on" if I say - you will hear from my lawyer - I am afraid of what will come next.
I followed up my email to the lawyer with a phone message telling her it's escalating and I am a little afraid - I mean I have seen what he is capable of when I'm not leaving - how can I not be afraid of what he could do now that I AM leaving? Yes, he's sober but he's not stable.
stop handing him bullets -correct.
be prepared for him to cross any line - correct.
the family will find out soon enough - correct.
thanks....
I followed up my email to the lawyer with a phone message telling her it's escalating and I am a little afraid - I mean I have seen what he is capable of when I'm not leaving - how can I not be afraid of what he could do now that I AM leaving? Yes, he's sober but he's not stable.
stop handing him bullets -correct.
be prepared for him to cross any line - correct.
the family will find out soon enough - correct.
thanks....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
meggem--there are a lot of great websites that you can find by googling "domestic violence" that will give you lots of very detailed information about what you need to know when you dealing with a potentially violent or aggressive individual.
This might seem like over-kill to you....but, there is no harm in being prepared for any eventuality. You will also have more self=confidence and less anxiety and "confusion" when you know your back-up options and have a practical plan.
There is a point where you can't handle it by just being cool, alone. If he is escalating and asking stupid questions (he KNOWS what is going on, already!)---you may have to leave the area;call the police; go to a shelter or stay with someone else; get a restraining order;....whatever you need to do.
His world, as he has known it is coming unglued---people can do crazy things when they feel very internally threatened. Best to respect this fact and act accordingly.
meggem...this is tough stuff. We can ALL attest to that!
dandylion
Yes, alerting your lawyer was a good move. Hope your lawyer is responsive.
This might seem like over-kill to you....but, there is no harm in being prepared for any eventuality. You will also have more self=confidence and less anxiety and "confusion" when you know your back-up options and have a practical plan.
There is a point where you can't handle it by just being cool, alone. If he is escalating and asking stupid questions (he KNOWS what is going on, already!)---you may have to leave the area;call the police; go to a shelter or stay with someone else; get a restraining order;....whatever you need to do.
His world, as he has known it is coming unglued---people can do crazy things when they feel very internally threatened. Best to respect this fact and act accordingly.
meggem...this is tough stuff. We can ALL attest to that!
dandylion
Yes, alerting your lawyer was a good move. Hope your lawyer is responsive.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 786
Hugs to you!!!
"I'm just really confused right now. I'm trying to think thing through and I'm just not ready to talk about them yet. I'll let you know when that time comes."
Best. Ammo. EVER!!!
I'm ALWAYS confused, because you make me that way! So I'm incredibly believable. And you don't get to know when I gain clarity, because that's dangerous...
I agree, I wouldn't give him anything other than the vagueness you'd get from him...while you get out of the conversation. Heck of a lot easier to say from here.
Stay safe please.
"I'm just really confused right now. I'm trying to think thing through and I'm just not ready to talk about them yet. I'll let you know when that time comes."
Best. Ammo. EVER!!!
I'm ALWAYS confused, because you make me that way! So I'm incredibly believable. And you don't get to know when I gain clarity, because that's dangerous...
I agree, I wouldn't give him anything other than the vagueness you'd get from him...while you get out of the conversation. Heck of a lot easier to say from here.
Stay safe please.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I agree on being vague. You are not obligated to let him know all of your plans. I certainly did not. My XAH had no idea I had been visiting with various attorneys for months before we separated. This was a good thing as he would have made me crazy during that time.
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thanks you guys. All good advice and feedback. Now he is acting normal again. Wants to work together "we just aren't right for each other" - I talked to my lawyer today and the papers should be drawn up this week, served next. It is the property settlement and child custody. Lawyer said to do this first, then file for child support later since he is so volatile. She said if he signs this 90-day no contest he will be waiving his rights to spousal support/alimony but it will be worded in there, I just hope he is stupid enough to miss it or its buried underneath enough legal jargon. Then when we are no longer living under the same roof, then I file for child support and I'm going for the max (800 for 2 kids) and it is automatically garnished from his wages.
He has no money and no real resources for money so I can't imagine he will fight me. All this complaint is going to say is, sell - pay off the debt, split whatever is left (if anything) - and be done. I have physical custody and he has generous visitation.
This is starting to feel harder, or it's starting to weigh on me. what is the worst part I wonder? I bet the worst is still yet to come.
Praying for the best. Thank you all for responding. There is just something very different about the few people I am talking to and these boards. You guys just know what I'm talking about.
He has no money and no real resources for money so I can't imagine he will fight me. All this complaint is going to say is, sell - pay off the debt, split whatever is left (if anything) - and be done. I have physical custody and he has generous visitation.
This is starting to feel harder, or it's starting to weigh on me. what is the worst part I wonder? I bet the worst is still yet to come.
Praying for the best. Thank you all for responding. There is just something very different about the few people I am talking to and these boards. You guys just know what I'm talking about.
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