How to help, be supportive, and not rescue?

Old 07-11-2004, 12:50 AM
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How to help, be supportive, and not rescue?

He has just gone through what is arguably about the roughest time he has gone through in his life.

A bit about the situation.....

Four weeks ago he was down here, having what he says was the happiest time of his life. He proposed to me and all was well and cheery, though he was worried about the situation at home.

He lives(d) with his Grandmother, an elderly lady of 76 who when I met her was very strong willed, sharp minded, certainly alcoholic, and empowering woman. She had raised him since he was a baby since his mother had been a drug addict, convicted for drug trafficking and was going to jail. It was a large family, full of heartaches and trials, tough times and love. He was named for the one son of hers that died and there was a special bond between the two. The sun rose and fell with him and for him it rose and fell with her. He had made a vow that he would make sure he would look after his Grandmother and to the best of his capabilites he did. He worked, not a skilled job, but at the local store and he had gained the trust of his bosses, co-workers and a few very close friends. The job didn't pay a lot but there were many other perks and such that made up the difference. He had never taken a day off, a sick day etc in the whole 8 years he had been working there.

During the last few months, since I met her, she started to lose her mind a little bit. It is a large family with 1/2 of the family being rather involved with drugs and alcohol to varying degrees, and the other half being upright, staunch citizens. Whilst he was up here, her daughter (his aunt) and sisters were down there to make sure she was okay. The aunt decided that there was concern enough to warrent the Grandmother move down to where she was so that she could 'be taken care of properly' and the aunt had 'always expected to take care of her mother once she could no longer care for herself'. He decided to go down there with them to ensure that the Grandmother would be okay but it was arranged in such a way that he would not be staying at the same place of the Grandmother and the daughter.

Instead, the daughter made arrangements with her one son (his cousin) for him to move into a place where she had found that was 'close enough' to work and such and he would be close enough to Grandma. She was concerned enough to suggest that he let his job go for the upcomming couple of weeks because Grandma now needed round-the-clock care. And he obliged, wanting the best for his Grandma. So, he lets his job go, the daughter books the truck and arrangements are made. He was to pay full cost of the truck, full cost of the gas, the hotel rooms for the drive (daughter lives basically across the country from where he and Grandma lived)which took up most of his meager savings. The hydro in this new place was to be in his name because the son had been 'screwed' etc and could not have the hydro put in his name. So b/f obliged and set up the hydro in his name.

He said goodbye to his friends, his workmates, and left there with the daughter (his aunt), the grandmother and the other cousin who was to help with the driving. I'm on the phone with him at different points of the trip and over hear how they are speaking to him. I don't like it. They were basically cutting him down etc etc. So, he arrives there and a few days later the go to where he is to stay and unload the truck. The place is a good hour from work--he does not have a license so for the time being a car isn't an option. His cousin, the one he is to share this place with, he finds out after talkign with him the first night is basically a full blown alcoholic who has lost much in life and has no idea that it is the drinking that is a part of that. The boyfriend did set aside some funds so that if things didn't turn out how promised and was something like this, he could get out of the situation.

The first night he was there, the first night the grandmother was alone with the aunt, she has a more serious fall, cuts herself and is taken to the hospital. Power of attorney is given to the aunt. He finds out that what is considered 'close' to his grandmother is actually a good 2 hours away.

He plans on getting on a bus tomorrow and coming up here for a 'time-out' at my suggestion. At the momment he is hurt, broken, facing losing a whole lot and undecided where or what to do. He is adamant that he wants us to be together but that isn't possible at the momment due to immigration and such. (He is American, I am Canadian). Part of him still hopes the family down there will help him out. I don't trust them at all. Too much, too short a period of time. He does have the option of going back to where he came from--staying with friends and working back at the store, but he seems to be looking for something--direction--not sure.

My question here is for those who have gone through very tough times or helped others through very tough times. Its quite simple really. How do I best support him without getting in there too much with my own stuff etc? I am furious with the family. I see a whole lot of control, a complete lack of concern for him, a guy in shock still and frankly I don't know how to handle it. I know I want to be there for him in whatever way is possible--without enabling. I know that when he hurts he tends to withdraw into himself which presses my panic buttons even though I understand it because I do the same myself. But, I have never faced this kind of situation, so whilst I know he is hurting, I can not truly comprehend what it is he must be feeling. At the momment, he is looking for guidence, counsel, shelter, and a place and a face he can trust.

I am trying to love him, to help him, yet not to 'rescue' him. I fear I may already be doing that by telling him I wanted him here.
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Old 07-11-2004, 04:15 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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you say he asked you to marry him did you say yes? Are you wondering should you let him move in with you?

Basicaly if you give him an ear and a shoulder it should be enough to help him through this time I think any more than that and it would qualify as a rescue....

Let him pull himself back up and it will give him confidence in himself and show him that you respect his choices.....
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Old 07-11-2004, 04:32 AM
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I think a time-out is a good idea, but he needs to come up with a plan of his own to get his life back on track. It seems that he's let all these relatives dictate when, where, and what and he needs to take control of his life back.
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Old 07-11-2004, 06:08 PM
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Yes, I agreed to marry him. Then he went home and met with all of this. I've watched him withdraw some, hurt, call hurt, I've heard his account of whats been happening and heard them talking to him. I hated that. He was telling them he was missing me and this was hard and they basically laughed at him and told him his feelings didn't matter.

The aunt has warned him not to be controlled by me, and that he should watch out for me because I have come through alot and will project all of my former problems onto him. She told him I would be controlling. I'd like to smash her face in at the momment.

I'm very tempted to get in there and fix things which will only hinder more. He's feeling 'young' right now--he's been treated like a guy without a brain and I want to heal him, tell him what to do and make sure he does it. For me, it was a stretch to tell him that I wanted him to come here--just to tell him what I wanted I was worried would be too controlling.
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