Day 4 - Feeling more alive / lost
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: West Coast
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Day 4 - Feeling more alive / lost
I'm already feeling better physically. Went to an acupuncturist yesterday. I made myself take long hikes each day so far, though I was almost shocked to feel how out of shape I'd become, when I used to be so strong and do these hikes with ease. I even went out to dinner last night with friends, who were drinking, and I successfully said no thanks. Even went to a spot afterwards where the specialty was Irish coffee, used to love that. It was hard, but I felt good this morning not having woke up knowing I had failed or didn't know what happened.
The main issue that has been pushing me to drink lately is my failing marriage. I think I am codependent, and I think he's a narcissist. He's always been an alcoholic too, and we connected on that level. Although in the beginning, before dating, I was more of a casual drinker, he was already heavy and in deep, which honestly scared me. But I soon caught up.
We're sort of separated right now, still been talking, but mostly the words that come out of his mouth are lies. I so desperately want to believe him, or for him to wake up, to get help himself for alcohol and sex addiction. Yup I'm still kinda trying to work it out with a compulsive liar and philanderer.
Since I found out about the infidelities 6 months ago I've been a wreck. I have been making an exit plan in the background, but he now knows I've seen a lawyer and some other details. He could really screw me in a divorce since I make more than him and have handled all business. I'm just lucky we have no kids!
Anyway, I'm terrified to cut it off completely, and terrified of the future. The drinking was washing that all away. I think I was killing myself, and that felt ok. I just don't feel I have an identity anymore after a decade living my life with and for this man-child. And I have such self-doubt that any other man would want me, being so screwed up myself; full of fear, anxiety, depression, self-doubt...
I feel the will for life again. Which is good. I can't shake the other emotions, and I don't quite know where to go. My instinct is to escape.
The main issue that has been pushing me to drink lately is my failing marriage. I think I am codependent, and I think he's a narcissist. He's always been an alcoholic too, and we connected on that level. Although in the beginning, before dating, I was more of a casual drinker, he was already heavy and in deep, which honestly scared me. But I soon caught up.
We're sort of separated right now, still been talking, but mostly the words that come out of his mouth are lies. I so desperately want to believe him, or for him to wake up, to get help himself for alcohol and sex addiction. Yup I'm still kinda trying to work it out with a compulsive liar and philanderer.
Since I found out about the infidelities 6 months ago I've been a wreck. I have been making an exit plan in the background, but he now knows I've seen a lawyer and some other details. He could really screw me in a divorce since I make more than him and have handled all business. I'm just lucky we have no kids!
Anyway, I'm terrified to cut it off completely, and terrified of the future. The drinking was washing that all away. I think I was killing myself, and that felt ok. I just don't feel I have an identity anymore after a decade living my life with and for this man-child. And I have such self-doubt that any other man would want me, being so screwed up myself; full of fear, anxiety, depression, self-doubt...
I feel the will for life again. Which is good. I can't shake the other emotions, and I don't quite know where to go. My instinct is to escape.
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