TheReason

Hello to all. My husband had a surgery 8/2013 after which he was given Percocet for pain. He went back a few times for refills complaining he was still uncomfortable. After those few times, he said he was all done with the medicine. Unbeknownst to me, he had quickly become addicted to these drugs and was secretly buying them off the street. I had noticed his strange behavior over the months from August 2013 - December 2013, and on Christmas Eve I found half of an Oxycodone 30mg in my kitchen. Of course he denied it was his and blamed his inability to tell me where it came from on his consumption of alcohol that night. My husband willingly admits he is an alcoholic, but vehemently denied any drug abuse. In February 2014 we went to Boston for a date weekend, and at the end of the night he was grey and blue and I could not wake him. I found 3 Oxycodone 30s in his pocket. He admitted to abusing the pills, lying to me for MONTHS, and spending all of our money on them. He detoxed at home and has claimed to be clean ever since. I started noticing suspicious behavior, and had him hair tested June 2014. He has shaved his head twice since February. He failed the test at 8.5x higher than the minimum cutoff of 200 pg/mg. He was 1664 pg/mg. He adamantly claims he has been clean and the test is only positive due to residual drug bands in his hair. With TWO close head shaves since February - if he wasn't using again, wouldn't the test have been negative? He has had NO known access to cash since I found out about the pills in February. Is there any chance he's NOT lying? I love my husband and am fully committed to him. The addiction I can deal with and try to find a way to help him..... the lying I cannot tolerate. Any advice as to what I'm really dealing with and what I should do next would be greatly appreciated.

needingabreak

Welcome thereason. Sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us. This is the best bunch of wonderfully supportive people you will ever meet.
I read up on this when my son was going to be drug tested for a job. From what I read, the hair test takes usually about a 90 day clump. Because you took this yourself and he has had his head shaved twice and this is going on 120 days and the fact that the level was very high? My GUESS by all you are saying is he is lying. I too always trust my gut. It has never failed me. Once you learn their behavior it is so easy to spot isn't it?
When in doubt you could call the company of the test and ask them. No KNOWN access to cash doesn't always mean he hasn't found a way to get it. Drug addicts always find a way.

Hopefully more people will chime in soon who will have more experience and knowledge. I wish you the best. Hugs.

TheReason

Thank you for your kind response. And yes I do agree- my gut feelings have never failed me. I called the company that resulted the test - twice. It was confirmed that due to his two full head shaves, the resulting drug level was very high, and 1 inch of new hair that tested positive would confirm use in the last 60 days. This is such a difficult situation and he is an excellent liar - and a very convincing one too. I just cannot see throwing my marriage away if there is even a SHRED of a chance he is clean. Sadly enough.... all evidence points to the contrary.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you've found us, although sad that you had to seek us out.

Unfortunately, the lying comes with the addiction. So if you cannot tolerate the lying, then by default, you cannot tolerate his addiction. Nor should you. So long as he is using, he will continue to lie to your face, without conscience. The only thing that matters to him at this moment is the feeling he has when he's under the influence of opiates. And to get to that place, he will do anything.

You can't help him. The only way he will ever stop using is if he decides to stop and follows it with a course of treatment. As for what you should do, I would learn as much as you can about the monster that is addiction. Knowledge is power. And based on that knowledge, you will have some uncomfortable decisions on your horizon. We can't make those decisions for you. But what we can do is encourage you to get to a place where you can the best decisions for you.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

needingabreak

Im so sorry to hear that. My son was an excellent liar as well. Could lie right to my face with the most sincere and hurt look that I was not believing him.
I think the hardest part is accepting the truth because it is so much easier to live in the naive bubble than accept the cold hard facts staring you in the face. I know the feeling and I am so sorry you are dealing with it.

It took me awhile but I learned I could not help my son. He had to want to help himself and no bit of begging, pleading or crying made him want to change.
Unfortunately it has to come from your husband and he has to really want it himself.
Have you put any boundaries in place with this? It doesn't mean you have to throw him out but you also need to protect yourself and let him know certain behaviors will not be tolerated. Until you do this, he will continue to lie and use.

Have you tried going to an al anon or nar anon meeting or speak with a therapist? Taking care of yourself is what is going to help you as well, otherwise you will be drained financially, physically and psychologically.

TheReason

Thank you everyone for your support and encouragement. @zoso77... you are absolutely right. Addiction and lying go hand in hand. If I will not tolerate one, I cannot tolerate the other. Thank you for the moment of clarity. @needingabreak... I am so sorry for the struggles and heartbreak you have experienced with your son. How is he doing now? And yes, I am trying to set boundaries but because he is so convincing I am unsure as to what they should be. He has NOT come clean. And I'm sure he won't. I feel so naive and incompetent.... the evidence of his use is right there in black and white. Why am I having such a hard time accepting it? I am a stay at home mom with a 14 month old baby girl. We rely on his good job and our home. I so appreciate this newfound source of strength and wisdom.

needingabreak

"Why am I having such a hard time accepting it? I am a stay at home mom with a 14 month old baby girl. We rely on his good job and our home."

I am guessing this may be why you are having a hard time. If you accept it then that means you have to do something and there in lies the scary part. Being a SAHM with no source of income is a tough spot to be in. If you lie down boundaries and he fails then the consequences should be enforced otherwise why bother? He would learn soon enough you weren't prepared to follow through and in the end it would be pointless.
My son has been an addict for awhile, at least 5 years. We found out he was using drugs over 3 years ago but he down played it. What is the most upsetting is we brought him to a hospital that has both in and outpatient treatment and they deduced his problem "wasn't that bad" and all he needed was counseling! He was a full blown addict but he lied his way through and the drugs were probably out of his system by the time he went. He seemed better for a while but I think he just got better at hiding it till he couldn't anymore and was taking more and more to get the high.
He ended up going to rehab last July and going to a sober house for 30 days after. he did quick relapses a couple times and is now on Suboxone which has helped him immensely. Do I wish he could have quit and not had to use Subs? Yes, but it isnt my journey or my call. I am thankful he is being monitored by a doctor and is stable.
I worry all the time if he will ever get off and if so will he be ok but I found I had to give it over to God. I couldn't carry the load anymore.
The thing is my son finally was allowed to hit bottom. He lost his job, his car didnt work and his gf threw him out. He had nowhere to go and he knew our rule was don't come around unless you want help. It was be homeless or get help. It didn't take long. We were very lucky. My son is not wordly and leads a pretty sheltered life. He did his drugs alone. No one except his dealer and one friend knew he was a druggie.
We found that the only way he was going to seek recovery was losing everything dear to him. Nothing else worked. We have cried so many tears I cant even tell you. None of it sunk in. The drug is too powerful. That is why we say until consequences are put in place, the addict has NO REASON to quit. Why should they? Until it is uncomfortable, until they feel a loss of something, only then do they usually seek recovery (but not always). Have you read the stickies up top yet? Full of great information!

Sadie33

Welcome and sorry you have to be here. I don't really have much advice to add, the posters above are spot on. I will say that because addicts are such convincing liars, always go by their actions not their words, it will help you in determining what's real and what's BS.

Sara21

Welcome to SR, but sorry for what has brought you here.

For me, I had a very difficult time accepting that the man I loved was capable of such deceit. My husband was a gentle, caring man. He became a completely different person, consumed by his addiction and I couldn't believe how far he would go to get his drugs. Just like needingabreak said, they lie to your face and act hurt that we don't believe them.

My concern is that your husband does not want to acknowledge a problem with drugs, and if he won't acknowledge it, he won't look for a way to solve it. As far as money goes, addicts are VERY resourceful when it comes to getting what they want. Keep valuables in a safe place and check all your finances very closely. Are there any Al-anon meetings you can attend nearby? Is there anyone close to you that you can confide in? Addiction thrives in secrecy and sometimes we tend to isolate ourselves from our loved ones, which just makes things worse because we end up carrying this burden all by ourselves.

I recommend that you read the stickies at the top of this forum to educate yourself as much as possible. Whatever you decide to do I hope you continue to come back. You'll find a lot of support here from people that have been in your shoes.

Hugs

AnvilheadII

He has shaved his head twice since February. He failed the test at 8.5x higher than the minimum cutoff of 200 pg/mg. He was 1664 pg/mg.

any WHY do ya suppose he shaved all his hair off........TWICE? cuz he thought he could beat the drug test.

The addiction I can deal with and try to find a way to help him

actually that is much harder than it sounds....it's really hard to help someone who is drowning if every time you throw them a life ring they complain it's the wrong color.

unless and until he treats BOTH the drinking AND the drug use and commits to 100% sobriety, all the time, every day, for ever.....this is what you get.

sorry. kind of a lousy forecast.

TheReason

@ AnvilheadII.... He did not know he was going to be tested. He shaves his head for the look. I was very suspicious and sent in hair from his second shave discreetly. 6 days later it was resulted. I calmly confronted him. He was compliant during our discussion, acted wounded and hurt. When I requested a second test the next time he shaves, he was angry and upset. I got the silent treatment for 2 days. Then I got every excuse in the book as to why the next test might come back positive too. "No matter what any test ever says I'm not doing drugs." was his answer.

needingabreak

Hm.............sounds so familiar, like they can just lie with such conviction that you MUST believe them. Once they know the gig is up, when you calmly flat out tell them you KNOW they are lying and nothing they say will change that, they start resorting to threats or anger. Very typical but if you stick to your guns he may finally admit it.

Think what you might want to do is read the stickies, know as much as possible and get some type of plan in place. Also keep a sharp eye on your finances! You do not want to be left with nothing but huge piles of debt.
MY son is 30, has not a dime to his name and cashed in all his bonds from when he was a child. It is so sad what havoc they wreak on everyone and they take prisoners with no regard.

AnvilheadII

"No matter what any test ever says I'm not doing drugs." was his answer.

and therein lies the problem with drug testing. the results said positive, really really positive.

and he STILL denies it.

so you have a choice....believe the science.....or believe the addict who has a history of lying to you.

how long has he rocked the shaved head thing?

here's the really scary part.....the next stop after percs, and oxys, and the like....is heroin, is much cheaper and way more addictive.

jerect

Hi, It's been a while since I have posted here as my addict is no longer in my life but once in a while I pop in to see if the people that were there for me in my darkest days are still here and Yay, I see that they are.

Anyway, I have been in your shoes. I was married to an addict for five years, that lied to me so many times about being clean and so many times I tried believing those lies all the while knowing deep down inside that he was lying to me. My ex husbands drug of choice was opoids in particular percocets. It's an addiction that is so hard to beat, my ex went into rehab twice while I was married to him and twice he relapsed. He went to NA meetings and picked up key chains all the while being high. It got to the point where I didn't trust him at all so I ended up separating our finances ( smartest move I made) and sleeping with my purse under my pillow if I had cash so that he would not steal it (trust me you don't want to live this way)

Anvil is spot on when she says that his addiction to percs will lead him to addiction to heroin. Oxycodone goes for about 5.00 a pill on the street and heroin is much cheaper. It's a deadly rabbit hole that the addict finds himself in.

My advice to you is to get some help for yourself. If you haven't already find an alanon meeting and attend as many meetings that you can. Alanon was my saving grace during my time with my addict. It gave me the tools that I needed to take care of myself and to stop enabling my addict. When push literally came to shove it also gave me the strength to finally kick him to the curb. You would think that by my ex husband loosing the roof over his head, custody of the dog that he loved like a child and being forced to move into a motel room, that he would have hit bottom and cleaned himself up.. Nope, sources tell me that he looks horrible and I have seen in vehicle at a seedy motel in a rough part of town where drugs are known to be sold. The addict will only change when he is good and ready to change and no pleading, helping, bargaining and in my case kicking him out to the point where he was basically homeless will change things.

Good luck to you and I'm glad you have found SR. This place saved my life.

TheReason

Thank you to all for your sound advice and support. It is heartbreaking to hear everyone's stories, and how this painful tug of war between addictions and your loved ones has so deeply affected all of you. @Sara21 - the lying is the hardest part for me also. How strong you are to have recognized it. @needingabreak - being a mother now myself I cannot imagine the pain and heartache you have been through with your son. I am also trying to do as you said - give it all to God. @jerect - your strength and determination to overcome your ex husbands addiction and take your life back is beyond admirable. Thank you for your courage!

TheReason

I believe the science.
He's been shaving his head (not bald, just very short and fuzzy) for as long as I've known him so 8 years.

incitingsilence

I am sitting here loving that I am an alcoholic, not a drug abuser … as if high isn’t high.

Putting the pills aside for a second, if he is drinking, well he is using. Doesn’t matter if he is taking pills, addiction is addiction and high is high … only place I can ever find any difference is some highs are way better than others.

While a positive drug test is a positive drug test in almost all cases if a lab is running the test … where it can become a bit insane is just cause someone tests negative well that doesn’t always mean that they didn’t use. It depends on the test that was ran and what drugs were looked for. His behavior will always be the best point of reference to the truth. Using does look like using.

The lying … his lies, I would bet in most cases you already had the answer before you asked the question. The most important lies to pay attention to are those you might be telling yourself.

Take good care of yourself and your child. He is most capable of taking care of himself. Get some support if you can, and avoid enabling him …

zoso77

How much longer do you think he's going to be able to hold onto that "good job" if he's on his current path? It's not a question of if he's going to be found out. It's when.

I encourage you to connect with members who have been through what you're going through. The fact there is a young child only adds to the urgency of your situation. You may be reliant on his income, but that does not make you without options.

hopeful4

In the stickies at the top are ways to prepare if you wpuld need to exit. SAHM's are in a bind many times due to lack of resources. I hope you start yourself and your child a fund right away in your name only. I always say, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Your gut is telling you something or you would not have done the tests. Now its deciding what boundaries you can put in place at this point. Its baby steps, one step at a time.

So sorry for why you are here, but glad you found us.

God Bless!

allforcnm

My husband became addicted after surgeries and multiple prescriptions also. He did the same thing as your husband; the doctor was supposed to be weaning him down and then totally off.... but he kept using. In his case all this corresponded with his going back to work and he found a coworker who supplied anything he wanted. I didn't know what was going on at first, but it was his behavior that alerted me something was wrong. How is your husbands behavior? My husband ended up spending large sums of money on the drugs but not more than he could afford with his income. He never lost his job, but eventually it took an intervention to get him to accept professional help. The lying as well as the denial of a problem.. are symptoms of the drug use, and although its difficult try not to take it personally. People who are in addiction also usually are dealing with a lot of guilt, shame, and misbelief they can stop but don't have clear plan in place to do so. I would also suggest you read some on the substance abuse forum as it might help you to get a deeper understanding of where your husbands mind is at right now.

I don't know much about the drug testing. My husband has had to do testing for his employer, hair samples for the most part.. but I don't know how it all works. Im sorry for what your going through.. I remember being where your at... if your unable to have discussions with him about his use, at some point I would consider speaking with an addiction specialist who understands evidence based treatments and may be able to help direct your next steps. The sooner he gets treatment the better. The sooner he can stop long enough to get a clear head and make rational decisions the better.