Samantha79

Hi,
I'm stopping in to get some advice. My boyfriend is a self-admitted alcoholic.
He drinks every night, about 4-5 drinks per night. A few months ago we talked and I told him that if he wants to continue in the relationship, he needs to make an effort to find help. He tried to stop on his own, drinking every other night. I knew this wouldn't work & now he's back to his regular routine: start drinking @ 6pm, always staying home a night to drink @ asleep at 11.
He is not religious and is worried he would not relate to a reovery program. We've been together 3 yrs, I love him, but I won't wait around for change forever.

We're also going on a family trip next month, and staying with my siblings in a condo. I'm worried they'll see his drinking with clearer eyes than I (they're not in love with him) and confront me about it.

Any advice, experience, or...success stories?

Hammer

Can speak more towards the advice and experience side of things . . .

see THIS part?

You will likely find that you may wish to make this change.


What he is doing is probably working for him. It sounds like you are the one having a problem with it.

btw, Welcome to SR.

schnappi99

I'd suggest AA for him Alanon for you.

His religious "sensibilities" vs handling his addiction, with you and the rest of his life in the balance are his problem, he must make that tradeoff on his own.

Your concern about what your relatives will think etc is the early stage of codependency... it'll get worse and worse for you in your own head unless you get into recovery yourself. You set a boundary (good!) when you said he needed to find help if he wants to stay in the relationship, please be firm in your resolve to follow through if he does not. If you don't then the next time it comes up it will be worse.

Ursula745

Then don't take him on the family trip. If you don't want to deal with it, don't. Better yet, if you don't want to deal with his drinking at all, don't. Time for you to set some boundaries in place for yourself and stick to them. I'd recommend Alanon also.

AnvilheadII

and confront me about it.

and what might that sound like? what is it you do NOT want to hear, or to face?

ladyscribbler

I was mortified when my mom came to visit and saw the extent of my ex's drinking. When I was living with it, I did so much minimizing and denying to myself that it took someone from outside the situation seeing it to jolt me out of my rut of depression and resignation.
Why do you fear others finding out about the extent of his problem? I think it's because you know the right thing and fear is holding you back. That's what's keeping you in this relationship. Fear, not love.
When I finally left I realized that I didn't love my ex and hadn't for a long time. I was just so worn down and defeated that I felt paralyzed. The universe is trying to tell you something. I would listen. This gets so much worse. If you think the future of your relationship depends on him getting help, then you are in the wrong relationship.

Mountainmanbob

I would suggest AA attendance for him
If he's not interested
Might be time to move on
MM

Bullfrog

It doesn't sound like he really has any motivation or intention to quit.

choublak

Why don't your siblings like him?

lillamy

You know, when I read this, what I see is -- that you are aware that his drinking has become unacceptable to you. But you don't want someone else to point it out to you. Why is that?

You don't want your siblings to know that you're in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Why is that? Are you afraid they're going to push you to leave him? Are you afraid they're going to think less of you for having a bf who's an A? What exactly are you afraid will happen?

You could choose to see this another way. This family trip could be an opportunity for you to get your siblings' input. Sometimes, clearer minds can be helpful to listen to.

Love isn't enough, babe. If love was enough, none of us would be posting here.

hopeful4

There are other recovery programs that are not religion based. AA just says you submit to a higher power, many who attend do not have a strong faith.

It sounds like you are afraid your family is going to make you see something you are not ready to act on. Only when you are ready in your own mind will anything change for YOU.

You did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it. My family knew my husband was an alcoholic. I tried to hide it, guess what, they already knew. What helped me was to say to them that I would come upon changes and decisions in my time and what I really needed from them was to listen and to support me. They did just that, and I am quite certain they had to bite their tongue but they knew I had to come to my own decisions in my own time, which I did with a lot of help via counseling, support groups like Celebrate Recovery, and of course the help of SR.

I suggest you look at his life now and analyze if this is what you want for YOU. He is not likely to change unless he becomes very serious about recovery, you cannot make him want it. Alcoholism is progressive, it will progress as will he. Do you want a long term life like that? Only you can decide, but go in with your eyes wide open. And please, do not have children with an addict, life becomes a million time more complicated at that point.

Good luck and God Bless!

Flavia2

You might want to tell him that his drinking embarasses you and you want to go on the family trip without him so you can relax and enjoy. As far as "success stories" I don't know- the progression of alcoholism is unpredictable. When I was uncomfortable with how much my husband was drinking he started hiding it. From there it was all downhill.