Newbie Needs Support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Centennial CO
Posts: 1
Newbie Needs Support
Hi all,
This is my first post - I'm tired of hiding. I met my husband nine years ago. At that time, he was 7 years sober and deeply committed to AA. We were married 8 1/2 years ago and he not only attended AA meetings, he also worked in our church as a facilitator in an addiction recovery program.
A year ago, my mother left a beer in our refrigerator after staying with us. While I was out of town, he drank the beer, curious about how it would affect him. He hasn't had a sober night since. He also smokes marijuana, but rationalizes it because it happens to be legal in our state.
I've been to Al-Anon. I know I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and and I can't control it. At first, I gently suggested he call his sponsor and come clean. He did, but drank again the next day, and the next... I am trying not to nag him, but I don't know how much more I can take.
He is not abusive or mean, but is silly and sloppy. He stays up late and is not interested in coming to bed or being with me unless it involves sex. The smell and the sloppiness turns me off. He doesn't remember what I say and constantly blames me for things that he claims I never told him...
I want to write him a letter and I've been looking through some helpful examples. Do ultimatums really work? Is he just manipulating me when he threatens suicide?
Anyone?
This is my first post - I'm tired of hiding. I met my husband nine years ago. At that time, he was 7 years sober and deeply committed to AA. We were married 8 1/2 years ago and he not only attended AA meetings, he also worked in our church as a facilitator in an addiction recovery program.
A year ago, my mother left a beer in our refrigerator after staying with us. While I was out of town, he drank the beer, curious about how it would affect him. He hasn't had a sober night since. He also smokes marijuana, but rationalizes it because it happens to be legal in our state.
I've been to Al-Anon. I know I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and and I can't control it. At first, I gently suggested he call his sponsor and come clean. He did, but drank again the next day, and the next... I am trying not to nag him, but I don't know how much more I can take.
He is not abusive or mean, but is silly and sloppy. He stays up late and is not interested in coming to bed or being with me unless it involves sex. The smell and the sloppiness turns me off. He doesn't remember what I say and constantly blames me for things that he claims I never told him...
I want to write him a letter and I've been looking through some helpful examples. Do ultimatums really work? Is he just manipulating me when he threatens suicide?
Anyone?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You have a lot of clarity about your situation already. Ultimatums were not effective for me, but my ex was never in recovery and has no desire to seek it for himself. You do have a right to express your feelings to him. Writing things down always helps me to solidify them in my head. And I see no harm in honestly telling him that sloppy, smelly drunkenness is a huge sexual turnoff for you.
I can't judge whether his suicide threats are sincere. I think that is a matter best left to professionals. If you call 911 and let them handle him, it will either 1. Save his life or 2. Stop him from using threats of self harm as a manipulation tactic. Either way you win.
Hugs and welcome.
I can't judge whether his suicide threats are sincere. I think that is a matter best left to professionals. If you call 911 and let them handle him, it will either 1. Save his life or 2. Stop him from using threats of self harm as a manipulation tactic. Either way you win.
Hugs and welcome.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I'm so sorry you found yourself in this situation. I suggest reading lots of posts on this site and going to Alanon, tremendous support for people involved with alcoholics. I ditto the advice: call 911 if he threatens suicide, it may be the wake-up call he needs. Regarding ultimatum, be sure you intend to carry it out and leave for good.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
hi GEG, as a sober alcoholic, I find your story scary on a couple of levels. One is that just that one can of beer triggered a full relapse, and the other that even with so many years of committed sobriety he is still on a course which is causing so much destruction, and seems unable to stop.
An ultimatum might work, but from your POV it would need to be very serious. If you're doing it to try and get him to stop drinking, I'd say not to bother. If you have in mind that you've decided to leave because you can't accept his behaviour, and it's only fair to give him warning, then it will work for you at least. Another alternative is to take whatever decision you think is best for you, and if he decides to become long term sober, treat that as a separate situation.
You could write him a letter, but because his thinking is distorted by his drinking don't expect any miracles. It would be good for you to express your frustration though.
An ultimatum might work, but from your POV it would need to be very serious. If you're doing it to try and get him to stop drinking, I'd say not to bother. If you have in mind that you've decided to leave because you can't accept his behaviour, and it's only fair to give him warning, then it will work for you at least. Another alternative is to take whatever decision you think is best for you, and if he decides to become long term sober, treat that as a separate situation.
You could write him a letter, but because his thinking is distorted by his drinking don't expect any miracles. It would be good for you to express your frustration though.
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