Raider

First I'm still in relapse mode for reasons that escape me.

I finally told my parents. They are not addicts. Addiction is something they don't really understand. The question they want to know is why. Why did you relapse. I told my Dad I relapsed because I'm an alcoholic Dad. He said, being an alcoholic is just an excuse.....

I know I don't have to tell them anything. I am 55, married and I live 2500 miles away. I am torn between protecting them and telling them anything. But I can't stand it when they think I'm not drinking and I am.

Am I crazy? Would you just take your ball and go away, not involve them in your life? Would you tell them?

PurpleKnight

I told some of my closest family members when I first got Sober, but I definitely keep them on a need to know basis, they don't know all the gory details from when I was drinking, just that now I've made the decision to cut alcohol out of my life.

The reason being, as you say, they wouldn't really understand, some of my family are completely teetotal, never had a drink in their whole life, and others drink large volumes of alcohol but don't see that as a problem for them, so trying to explain half the things I chat to people here on SR about would be a foreign language.

So to answer the question, I would bypass the conversation, re commit to Sobriety and let that commitment and continuation of Sobriety do the talking to my family!!

ReadyAtLast

I told my mother when I quit drinking. She knew I'd always drunk too much so was pleased .But I didn't go into detail nor do I say I'm an alcoholic. She doesn't and wouldn't understand. IME parents don't like to think of us as addicts as they don't understand. She is also very elderly and I do notwant to worry her or burden her with my issues-yes she is my mother but I'm an adult and she is elderly.

I guess you know your parents better than anyone and your reasons for telling them. Are you possibly looking for their approval or confirmation or support from them. Are they realistically in a position to give it? Will telling them cause themconcern or worry .Some things are best left unsaid or keep it as brief as possible

p.s you're not crazy

FreeOwl

"Hey, I know it sounds like an excuse, Dad... but it's real. It's real and I'm in the process of recovery because this isn't what I want for my life. I hope that in spite of your sense that this isn't a thing - you'll nonetheless be supportive of my recovery because it means everything to me to be the best me I can."

You don't need to convince them, you don't need them to believe in alcoholism. If you want them in your life, just be honest with them about where you're at and what you are doing about it. Then trust in your gut and focus on YOUR RECOVERY.

This isn't about them.

aasharon90

There are many folks in the world that
don't understand addiction. Including me
23 yrs ago. My family of orgin never thought
I had an addiction problem. Then who am
I to say what they thought or think. I'm
not in their minds.

Anyway.....After years of trying to explain
to my family who and what I was and all
that went along with my recovery, I simple
got sooooo worn down about it that it was
keeping me emotionally ill.

I simple had to take care of me and my
recovery, accept those who did not understand,
place them in Proper Hands for safe keeping
and move on.

I just don't have it in me anymore to sit
and listen to family tell me that my alcoholism
is and was all in my head and its time to hang
it up and let it go.

That maybe easy for them to say, but I know
who and what I am and there's no more discussion
about it. If they cant accept me for that, then that's
their their stuff.

Today, at 55 yrs old, I no longer have contact
with my family of orgin because I choose to
live life as simple, healthy and easy as I possibly
can in recovery.

At this stage in my life, there are no regrets
for my actions as long as I ask for help and
guidance from the Man upstairs turning my
will and life over to Him. As long as I continue
to do that He will guide me into each situation
I have no control over.

At 55, im a happy, healthy, sober, grateful camper
in recovery.

You can be too.

Hevyn

At the end of my drinking career I had no choice but to tell everyone what was going on. I had managed to disassemble my entire life, and most of my relationships. Everyone was hurt and confused & some weren't speaking to me at all. I had to give an explanation. However, prior to my meltdown I was very secretive about it and hid it from everyone for years. Only when I was serious about quitting did I confess that I was an alkie.

Still though - I don't have anyone in my life who gets it. That's one reason SR is so valuable and precious to me. To this day people will say - "Oh, you can have a couple - just don't get carried away." AS IF.

If you're really close to your parents and don't want to shut them out of this painful part of your life - maybe you'd feel better telling them? I tend to agree that it's not necessary though. Be kind to yourself and only share what feels right to you.

joyousone

My parents knew back when I was in my late 20's that I was an alcoholic. I put them through hell to say the least. And then they got to see me in recovery for many years. My dad has since passed away. Now I'm 55 also and my mother is in her 80's. I have not told her that I am struggling with this drink issue again. I will not worry her with my problem. I still try to be a good daughter and talk to her about my life in general. There would be absolutely nothing she could do or say that would fix me. That's an inside job that only I can fix. And that's what I'm trying to do.

patricia68

I never told my husband. I already know what he would say:

-grow a backbone
-you have no reason to be so unhappy
-yadda yadda yadda it's all your fault
-do we have to have a serious conversation right now?!

So I'm alone on this, well not really...I have SR

Raider

My husband doesn't get it either. He just knows how disappointed I am in myself right now.

Anna

I would not tell my parents, no. Nothing good would have ever come from that.

But, then, it's rare for me to tell anyone outside of SR about my addiction. It's a personal journey.

ScottFromWI

At this point does is really matter? Your first concern should be deciding what to tell yourself about your drinking. It is your problem to fix regardless of how they feel about it.

Aellyce

Hi Raider,

I feel that you are probably trying to do small and relatively insignificant things to ease your conscience... while the real problem remains unresolved?

As for telling your parents - you already did. Is it helping you? Is it good for them having to know all this?

Raider

No not good really. But I don't want them to think I'm doing something I'm not.

Aarryckha

Raider

This really hits home for me. I have a lot to think about before my trip to see my mom. I really want to talk to her about it because it feels like the elephant in the room but I am a bit afraid of getting a reaction of someone who doesn't understand.

Take care of yourself and The Fuzz.

Kris47

I only wish that my parents were here to "see"" the new me.

I want to be a shining example of what I can really be.

That is important for just me.

Notmyrealname

I don't think I would tell them. What are they going to do about it -- worry?

My thinking on this is, my parents put up with a lot of my crap for many years, and so I assume they appreciate the relative peace and quiet in their retired years. If they want to know about my problems, they are welcome to ask, but unloading unsolicited additional stress and helplessness onto my longtime benefactors in their twilight years -- well, I just don't see much point in that.

Taking a slight frolic and detour for a moment -

I think "why did you relapse" is an important question to consider (although I don't know that I'd talk through it with my own father, seems like that would be less than productive time spent)

To answer, "because I'm an alcoholic", isn't a logically sound answer (e.g., because there are numerous alcoholics who are not in relapse, B -- "I'm in relapse" does not logically follow as a necessary consequence of A -- "I'm an alcoholic"). Although .. it is a good answer to deflect the question, so I can see that.

Nearly every time I relapsed it was because I purchased alcoholic beverages with intent to imbibe and then successfully imbibed. Why did I buy alcoholic beverages with intent to imbibe? Because I was willfully devaluing the significance (a.k.a. "denial") of all the negative consequences of the act on the one hand, and on the other hand I had a deep desire for the instant gratification of getting loaded. Perceived low cost versus perceived high benefit ='d me doddering off to the liquor store with my $10 in hand..

Do you have any thoughts as to why you started drinking again?

Fandy

Your parents are elderly and your father has been ill. No, I would not share because it would upset and worry them, I think it is selfish to do this. You relapsed, you need to own the behavior and fix it yourself. If you want to share, do it with your therapist, husband and close friends. If it were me I would give your elderly parents some peace of mind.

I sat with my mother as she was dying and told her that I was sober and OK, I think she heard me(she was on morphine, had bone cancer) and I told it was OK to go, she no longer had to worry that I was not going to screw up. I try to keep my promise 3 years later.

brach123

Hi Raider, my family really don't understand why I've relapsed a number of times in the past two years after being so happy sober, quite often when I sober up I can find no good explanation why I did it either, except that at that moment in time I wanted to drink more than the obvious consequences that would arise. It makes little sense.

Straightshoot

Fandy your post hit home with me. In 2002 my Mother passed, I was her care giver before than for awhile. ICU for 1 day and then transferred to a room. The second day she was in and out of lucidity, and had a DNR. She told me she wanted to go and asked if it was alright. On her deathbed she actually wanted to know if the drugs and alcohol problem was not so bad enough for her to try to stay and help me. I told her it's okay Mom, I am alright. She was gone in less than an hour. Never being a Mother myself, it just amazes me how much love Mother's have for their children no matter how old the children are.
My parents and I did not discuss each other's drinking routines.

Dee74

I read this as you have told your parents

I know everyone of us wants others to understand what we suffer and what alcoholism is like, but I found time and again my loved ones do not get it.

At least they support my decision now, mostly - they see the positive changes in me and like that, but they'll still offer me a drink

The important thing is you have people here who understand Raider

D