bringiton

I'm having a really hard time not hating my AH. I am not far into my recovery from being codependent and all the other things that happen when married to an alcoholic. I'm trying to take care of myself and I know that includes getting rid of all the anger and hurt. I hear myself saying in my head that some day I will find someone who will be nice to me and I know that is not healthy. I wouldn't be surprised to wake up and find him dead one morning from his drinking and the xanax that he has to take "to deal with" me. You all could see that one coming right? I can't look him in the eye. I'm disgusted and beyond disappointed. Divorce is currently not an option but could change. He is starting to see a therapist to "work on himself" however not sure he is really ready. I stay at home and fortunately he travels a lot for work. We have four children the youngest is autistic which can be very challenging. I don't think I'm using his disability as an excuse to stay in the marriage to me right now it is more important to help my child the best I can. He is nice to the kids loves them and is not violent or abusive to them. With him gone so much they don't have to hear too much fighting.

I'm trying to create boundaries based on things that make me feel bad. I think I have made some progress with that. I don't know that we will be together in five years, weeks or even days but I'm okay with that right now. I'm not okay with the hate and resentments I can't seem to let go of. I see a lot of posts from people who have divorced but I notice there are some of you who remain married. My question to ALL of you is how do you do it? Do you allow yourself to speak with them about things that make you angry? Not necessarily old stuff but as things happen. I find that I typically hold it in because when I don't he turns it into my fault and plays that game. Do you feel like you are not being true to yourself by not saying things you feel should be said? How do you find peace internally?

Sorry that was so long and I hope it made sense. I don't currently have support from anyone who has been through this and when I read the posts here I feel safe, sane and understood. I appreciate that more than I can express right now.

NYCDoglvr

Hi ..... my heart goes out to you. Of course you must put your child first and it's understandable that your feelings are so strong. What helped me a great deal was Alanon, where I learned to take care of myself, set boundaries and let go of a great deal of rage. If you're not going to Alanon, I suggest finding a local group at the Alanon website. Try not to beat yourself up, it's a process. For me it was two steps forward and one step back. Sounds like you need in person support, another good reason for going to Alanon. But you're on the right track and taking the actions -- like setting boundaries -- will get easier. A big hug!

honeypig

I'd like to second this ^^^. Sometimes reading in an online forum doesn't do enough to help, and face-to-face contact can bridge that gap. I'd strongly suggest Alanon, sooner rather than later. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.org/

I was filled with anger when I learned about my A's drinking, lying and secret spending, so much so that I was ready to leave him right then. The cooler heads at Alanon helped me find the right path for me; I believe they can do the same for you.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

amy79

I love that I can come on here and find someone feeling the exact same way as I am.
I hate my AH too, much of the time. We are on day 7 of 9 days drinking. It's not good to keep track, I've been told, but there ya go.
I'm holding on to so many resentments, and I am mainly staying because he is good to the kids we have 4 as well, that I stay home with), he's the only one working, plus he does do the lawn cutting and shovelling the driveway. I agree that Al-Anon is an awesome place to be. It makes me happy just knowing I'll be attending this week.

Hammer

You sure about that? I mean the "not healthy" part.

Just asking, I dunno, but I have said that more than a few times, and still do.

In fact, while getting EVERYTHING else cleaned up, AWtf is about the only thing still messed-up in my life.

You know the Serenity Prayer, right?


==============

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

================

Just applying the Serenity Prayer in that regard -- the Things I CAN change -- Me, How I work and deal with others, my behaviors and interactions -- I CAN change and have improved most or all of that.

The Things I CANNOT change -- AWtf -- Not MY Problem. Not my monkey, not my circus -- I no longer worry about.

But since she has behaved and still behaves like crap . . . and I do not think I deserve crap, so I am not likely to continue to tolerate it on my behalf. Why would or should I? Why should you?

Here is what it looked like for me. Same title and name even . . . .

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-me-well.html

Wahine

A big breakthrough for me was reading "Getting Them Sober", by Toby Rice Drew. A wonderful book. Not really about getting the A sober IMHO. It teaches you to detach, to focus on yourself. I'm still angry and hate my AH (were divorcing and he's torturing me) but it no longer is consuming my life.

Keep reading here, your on your way to finding some peace.

I personally compare the detaching from the A as going through the same steps of grief. If I remember they include denial, anguish, anger, and acceptance. Good luck.

bringiton

Thank you all for the replies! I really find so much help here. Hammer, I guess I thought by telling myself "someone who will be nice to me is out there" is almost like already giving up on the marriage and not giving it 100% however I know that he isn't trying for 100%. Not really sure he is able to give anymore. I also am half expecting to wake up one morning and find him dead from alcohol, meds and terrible health.

I guess it is healthy if it gives me hope and reminds me I'm worth more. I'm not giving up on me.