I keep relapsing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5
I keep relapsing
I need help. After a year of sobriety I relapsed and now I can't stop relapsing. I picked up a job at this saloon because I couldn't find a job anywhere else and I was desperate. The work environment highly glorifies drinking and after working there for a couple of weeks I thought it would be a good idea to start drinking again. I am insane !
I talked to my sponsor and he doesn't help me out, all he does is tell me that I'm self centered and that I should do an inventory. When he says these things to me it just makes me feel worse and it's not working. I really need a new sponsor. I need one that is going to be very thorough with me and who is going to take me through all the steps, not just step 4.
I live with a bunch of other sober people as well and if I don't stop using they are going to find out and then I will be homeless. It sucks that I can't tell any of them what I'm going through otherwise I will get kicked out.
Anyway.. I will be terminating my job immediately because I can't handle the work environment. It's like a diabetic working in a bakery. It just doesn't work. I need a life coach or someone who is going to be very supportive and compassionate towards me. I hope I find someone soon.
I talked to my sponsor and he doesn't help me out, all he does is tell me that I'm self centered and that I should do an inventory. When he says these things to me it just makes me feel worse and it's not working. I really need a new sponsor. I need one that is going to be very thorough with me and who is going to take me through all the steps, not just step 4.
I live with a bunch of other sober people as well and if I don't stop using they are going to find out and then I will be homeless. It sucks that I can't tell any of them what I'm going through otherwise I will get kicked out.
Anyway.. I will be terminating my job immediately because I can't handle the work environment. It's like a diabetic working in a bakery. It just doesn't work. I need a life coach or someone who is going to be very supportive and compassionate towards me. I hope I find someone soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 888
Welcome! My experience is that if you're not comfortable with your sponsor, get a new one and sounds like you should and really quick. And, yes...dump that job, like now! You made it a year so get back to a meeting and get a new sponsor, you can do this!
Pulling for you!
Pulling for you!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
You'll find loads of support here, for me when the plan wasn't working, the plan needed to be changed to produce new results, it looks like you are already doing that, but that is simply it, changing and carving out a new lifestyle will go a long way to keeping you Sober!!
It's great to have you onboard!!
You'll find loads of support here, for me when the plan wasn't working, the plan needed to be changed to produce new results, it looks like you are already doing that, but that is simply it, changing and carving out a new lifestyle will go a long way to keeping you Sober!!
It's great to have you onboard!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 3,677
Hi newlysober103,
I understand about not feeling heard by your sponsor. He probably wants to be helpful and doesn't know what else he can say. If what he says stings, there is probably a ring of truth in it.
You'll get a lot of support here, because lots of us have a relapse history. I know it took me a BUNCH of "tries" to finally quit drinking.
What I found the most help was outside "the steps," although I know that route has helped an immense number of people.
Why not become a "non-drinker"?
I'm serious. Instead of continuing to fall down and get back up, get up once and for all and make a huge "identity-shift." Check out AVRT on the Secular Connections part of SR. Many of us use that method. It does not hurt to check it out.
The point is, you make ONE decision -- "I will NOT drink." Not, I will "try" not to drink, and especially "I can't drink." Both the latter imply you don't really mean it or don't really want to quit.
Ultimately, you really will NOT quit until YOU want to quit. You have to want being a "non-drinker" more than you want to party with your friends, or look cool in a bar. You may not want those things, I'm just giving an example.
After you've make the decision to BE a "non-drinker," all other decisions about alcohol are simple. In ANY and ALL situations, you do what ALL other non-drinkers do -- something else.
No, not "easy," but you are fighting yourself and everyone else around you right now, at least inside your head.
Make the decision and own it. You JUST do NOT drink. Period. End of story. No arguments required.
I understand about not feeling heard by your sponsor. He probably wants to be helpful and doesn't know what else he can say. If what he says stings, there is probably a ring of truth in it.
You'll get a lot of support here, because lots of us have a relapse history. I know it took me a BUNCH of "tries" to finally quit drinking.
What I found the most help was outside "the steps," although I know that route has helped an immense number of people.
Why not become a "non-drinker"?
I'm serious. Instead of continuing to fall down and get back up, get up once and for all and make a huge "identity-shift." Check out AVRT on the Secular Connections part of SR. Many of us use that method. It does not hurt to check it out.
The point is, you make ONE decision -- "I will NOT drink." Not, I will "try" not to drink, and especially "I can't drink." Both the latter imply you don't really mean it or don't really want to quit.
Ultimately, you really will NOT quit until YOU want to quit. You have to want being a "non-drinker" more than you want to party with your friends, or look cool in a bar. You may not want those things, I'm just giving an example.
After you've make the decision to BE a "non-drinker," all other decisions about alcohol are simple. In ANY and ALL situations, you do what ALL other non-drinkers do -- something else.
No, not "easy," but you are fighting yourself and everyone else around you right now, at least inside your head.
Make the decision and own it. You JUST do NOT drink. Period. End of story. No arguments required.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by newlysober103 
Now I can't stop relapsing.
Originally Posted by newlysober103
I picked up a job at this saloon because I couldn't find a job anywhere else and I was desperate.
Originally Posted by newlysober103
I talked to my sponsor and he doesn't help me out, all he does is tell me that I'm self centered and that I should do an inventory.
Originally Posted by newlysober103
I really need a new sponsor. I need one that is going to be very thorough with me and who is going to take me through all the steps, not just step 4.out, all he does is tell me that I'm self centered and that I should do an inventory.
Originally Posted by newlysober103
I live with a bunch of other sober people as well out, all he does is tell me that I'm self centered and that I should do an inventory.
Perhaps my comments are going to irk you. However, if you want change, real change you are going to have to start getting honest with yourself, no matter what program, AA, RR, Lifering, SR you decide to use to recover.
I wish you the best of luck. I have found being honest, willing and open to change have helped me get and remain sober.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
A good sponsor knows He doesn't have the power to get you sober, he can't solve all your problems, he is not God.
What he can do is share his experience. Most likely he has had a relapse or two, taken the steps and recovered. He can't tell you what to do, but he can show you what he did, and whatever that was, it worked for him.
It's pretty much an established fact that of those that get around to starting the steps, most baulk at step four and end up drunk. So I'm guessing you have baulked at step four. Trying to build sobriety without a thorough step four is like trying to build a house without knowing what materials you have to work with. None of the following steps work if you don't have a good inventory of the stock in trade.
What he can do is share his experience. Most likely he has had a relapse or two, taken the steps and recovered. He can't tell you what to do, but he can show you what he did, and whatever that was, it worked for him.
It's pretty much an established fact that of those that get around to starting the steps, most baulk at step four and end up drunk. So I'm guessing you have baulked at step four. Trying to build sobriety without a thorough step four is like trying to build a house without knowing what materials you have to work with. None of the following steps work if you don't have a good inventory of the stock in trade.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 306
I too am newly sober as well. I certainly would not be able to maintain sobriety while working in a bar. That seems inconceivable to me. Of course you keep relapsing, it's in your face ALL THE TIME! Why would you do that to yourself?
That is an incredibly unsafe environment for you and it should be the first thing to change. I can't speak to the sponsor issue, but I believe honesty and accountability are of the utmost importance in staying sober. Come clean with your housemates, they'll understand and you will feel better. Guilt and shame are major triggers for relapse, you know.
Keep trying. If you made it a year, you can do it again.
That is an incredibly unsafe environment for you and it should be the first thing to change. I can't speak to the sponsor issue, but I believe honesty and accountability are of the utmost importance in staying sober. Come clean with your housemates, they'll understand and you will feel better. Guilt and shame are major triggers for relapse, you know.
Keep trying. If you made it a year, you can do it again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 5
Thanks everyone for the comments
To jdooner: It is people like you that turn me away from Alcoholics Anonymous. Please focus on your self and try being a little more mindful of your comments. Just be nice to people and remember to do all things with love.
And by the way, I am sober. I AM SOBER RIGHT NOW !
not only that but I AM IN RECOVERY! Go find another person to analyze, judge, and condemn. Thank you
To jdooner: It is people like you that turn me away from Alcoholics Anonymous. Please focus on your self and try being a little more mindful of your comments. Just be nice to people and remember to do all things with love.
And by the way, I am sober. I AM SOBER RIGHT NOW !
not only that but I AM IN RECOVERY! Go find another person to analyze, judge, and condemn. Thank you
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,011
Hi NS103
It is a good step to quite that job. It seems that all it is doing is enabling your addiction. Wrt the 12 Steps, have you gone through steps 1-3 with your sponsor ? They would be the most important to understand, accept and believe prior to step 4. As well, since you are currently in the grips of your addiction, doing step 4 may be too soon. It is very difficult to observe oneself when in the depths of an addiction. It is an overwhelming obsession. In fact, it is common for alcoholics to be very self-obsessed which is why your sponsor made his/her remark.
If you truly want to stop drinking then you need to make a commitment for change. It is going to be a major challenge as it is for everyone but with the right recovery plan, it is eminently achievable ! Read through the posts on this forum and seek out those stories that resonate with you. Post as much as you can about yourself in order to get support. SR is built to support you ! Develop a recovery plan and follow it. Over time, the recovery will become less difficult but you have to actively work the plan. THe crux is your commitment. This is not for the half-hearted. Your life is literally at stake here. With resolve, self-forgiveness and taking one step at a time (i.e., dont project into the future, keep it simple and just focus on the present moment), you CAN overcome this addiction.
AS for jdooner's comments, IMO they are honest and direct. However, given your state of mind, I understand that they are difficult to accept. We've all been where you are !
Stay strong, keep it simple, dont pick up and get a plan !
It is a good step to quite that job. It seems that all it is doing is enabling your addiction. Wrt the 12 Steps, have you gone through steps 1-3 with your sponsor ? They would be the most important to understand, accept and believe prior to step 4. As well, since you are currently in the grips of your addiction, doing step 4 may be too soon. It is very difficult to observe oneself when in the depths of an addiction. It is an overwhelming obsession. In fact, it is common for alcoholics to be very self-obsessed which is why your sponsor made his/her remark.
If you truly want to stop drinking then you need to make a commitment for change. It is going to be a major challenge as it is for everyone but with the right recovery plan, it is eminently achievable ! Read through the posts on this forum and seek out those stories that resonate with you. Post as much as you can about yourself in order to get support. SR is built to support you ! Develop a recovery plan and follow it. Over time, the recovery will become less difficult but you have to actively work the plan. THe crux is your commitment. This is not for the half-hearted. Your life is literally at stake here. With resolve, self-forgiveness and taking one step at a time (i.e., dont project into the future, keep it simple and just focus on the present moment), you CAN overcome this addiction.
AS for jdooner's comments, IMO they are honest and direct. However, given your state of mind, I understand that they are difficult to accept. We've all been where you are !
Stay strong, keep it simple, dont pick up and get a plan !
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Welcome newlysober
There's a lot of support, encouragement and understanding here. Why not join our Class of June support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-16.html
D
There's a lot of support, encouragement and understanding here. Why not join our Class of June support thread?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-16.html
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: California
Posts: 130
I agree with everyone, first the only job was a saloon, really, there must have been something else.... Until the day you truly accept that you are done drinking and seek help, you will be on the right track. I have no sponsor, but a lot of support and I also take Antabuse, even if I was dying for a drink, it would be 4-5 weeks before I can safely do it, but that day will never come...
Find another job quick, talk to your current sponsor and QUIT DRINKING NOW.......
Find another job quick, talk to your current sponsor and QUIT DRINKING NOW.......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
“Your sponsor should not be your friend and tell you that you look great when you look awful. They are there to bring you through the steps and provide guidance by passing on a solution according to AA's Big Book. It sounds to me like you want a talking head to tell you everything is alright. What he might be saying is take inventory to understand your role in the resentments. Why do you resent the bar job, because you are relapsing but you put yourself in that position. Maybe this is what he wants you to better understand?
Did your sponsor read through the first 64 pages with you and talk to you about steps 1, 2, and 3? If your sponsor is just telling you to do step #4 then I agree get another one but other than that it might be more you then him.
Again try to be mindful - YOU ARE NOT SOBER. So you are not living with other sober people, you are lying about being sober so you can benefit by having a place to stay. This is the exact nature of being self centered.”
Right on! I/we needed to get honest with ourselves about our drinking and accept that we cannot drink in safety anymore, or face the severe consequences. We in general are undisciplined people when we try to sober up and following our own path can be very dangerous on a permanent basis.
BE WELL
Did your sponsor read through the first 64 pages with you and talk to you about steps 1, 2, and 3? If your sponsor is just telling you to do step #4 then I agree get another one but other than that it might be more you then him.
Again try to be mindful - YOU ARE NOT SOBER. So you are not living with other sober people, you are lying about being sober so you can benefit by having a place to stay. This is the exact nature of being self centered.”
Right on! I/we needed to get honest with ourselves about our drinking and accept that we cannot drink in safety anymore, or face the severe consequences. We in general are undisciplined people when we try to sober up and following our own path can be very dangerous on a permanent basis.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Originally Posted by newlysober103
Thanks everyone for the comments
To jdooner: It is people like you that turn me away from Alcoholics Anonymous. Please focus on your self and try being a little more mindful of your comments. Just be nice to people and remember to do all things with love.
And by the way, I am sober. I AM SOBER RIGHT NOW !
not only that but I AM IN RECOVERY! Go find another person to analyze, judge, and condemn. Thank you
To jdooner: It is people like you that turn me away from Alcoholics Anonymous. Please focus on your self and try being a little more mindful of your comments. Just be nice to people and remember to do all things with love.
And by the way, I am sober. I AM SOBER RIGHT NOW !
not only that but I AM IN RECOVERY! Go find another person to analyze, judge, and condemn. Thank you
From your post: "I need help. After a year of sobriety I relapsed and now I can't stop relapsing."
Perhaps after 35+ years of being alcohol free I've lost the meaning of sober. To me it still means being healthy in mind and spirit. To thy own self be true.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
its best to start at step one. get to meetings and find a sponsor that will guide ya through the steps starting at step 1.
good on ya for walkin away from that job. it may have been a valuable lesson for ya.
good on ya for walkin away from that job. it may have been a valuable lesson for ya.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by newlysober103
Thanks everyone for the comments
To jdooner: It is people like you that turn me away from Alcoholics Anonymous. Please focus on your self and try being a little more mindful of your comments. Just be nice to people and remember to do all things with love.
And by the way, I am sober. I AM SOBER RIGHT NOW !
not only that but I AM IN RECOVERY! Go find another person to analyze, judge, and condemn. Thank you
To jdooner: It is people like you that turn me away from Alcoholics Anonymous. Please focus on your self and try being a little more mindful of your comments. Just be nice to people and remember to do all things with love.
And by the way, I am sober. I AM SOBER RIGHT NOW !
not only that but I AM IN RECOVERY! Go find another person to analyze, judge, and condemn. Thank you
his post had love in it, but heres what im wonderin- whats yer motive in postng here? lookin for what ya want to hear? lookin for sympathy?
its not people like him that will turn you away from AA. it is you. you may want the message all sugar coated and with a lil bit of poor you thrown in, but how good does that work for ya? im thinkin not too good.
take what everyone says into consideration. the best teachers aren't always the ones that sugarcoat the message.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
I was brought up by a sick parent, in mind,
body and soul, that always TOLD me what
to do, even tho I knew what I needed to
do, but always copped a resentment towards
her and each day that resentment fester
inside me, growing bigger than I was, which
made me sick and used alcohol to numb it.
For a long time when people TOLD me what
to do, I hated it/them. The drink kept me
just as sick as them.
When I left home at about 18/19, I swore
I would NEVER have her TELL me what to
do EVER again. From her, it led to others
that I swore would never ever tell me what
to do too.
In recovery, I had to relearn how to listen
and take suggestions only. Still NEVER TELL
me what to do. Suggestions to me is a more
softer, effective way to get me to do what
is necessary to do in order to take instructions
in my life to follow and learn to live life without
killing myself with alcohol or poison.
With a few many one days at a time sober,
I have learned how to incoperate many suggestions
in recovery to remain healthy, happy, honest
and most of all sober today.
Compassion, understanding, love, care,
willingness, openmindedness are many
ways I look for in others to cling onto
each day to help me stay sober, so I do
understand where you are coming from.
If I don't want others to tell me what
to do, and don't necessarily agree with
them, then I simply listen to what they have
to say, not saying a word, but take what
I want from them quietly, absorb it then
apply it to my own life.
Eventually what I hear and learn will
stick with my stubbornness and then
I can move on.
I stuck with the winners in my own
mind, followed their examples and
suggestions, watched eagerly their
own path and actions in living a sober
life and apply it to my own.
There were and there are many who will
never know that I quietly follow them in
their own recovery in order to remain sober
myself.
Im a sneaky little devil...lol But a sober,
healthy, happy one.
body and soul, that always TOLD me what
to do, even tho I knew what I needed to
do, but always copped a resentment towards
her and each day that resentment fester
inside me, growing bigger than I was, which
made me sick and used alcohol to numb it.
For a long time when people TOLD me what
to do, I hated it/them. The drink kept me
just as sick as them.
When I left home at about 18/19, I swore
I would NEVER have her TELL me what to
do EVER again. From her, it led to others
that I swore would never ever tell me what
to do too.
In recovery, I had to relearn how to listen
and take suggestions only. Still NEVER TELL
me what to do. Suggestions to me is a more
softer, effective way to get me to do what
is necessary to do in order to take instructions
in my life to follow and learn to live life without
killing myself with alcohol or poison.
With a few many one days at a time sober,
I have learned how to incoperate many suggestions
in recovery to remain healthy, happy, honest
and most of all sober today.
Compassion, understanding, love, care,
willingness, openmindedness are many
ways I look for in others to cling onto
each day to help me stay sober, so I do
understand where you are coming from.
If I don't want others to tell me what
to do, and don't necessarily agree with
them, then I simply listen to what they have
to say, not saying a word, but take what
I want from them quietly, absorb it then
apply it to my own life.
Eventually what I hear and learn will
stick with my stubbornness and then
I can move on.
I stuck with the winners in my own
mind, followed their examples and
suggestions, watched eagerly their
own path and actions in living a sober
life and apply it to my own.
There were and there are many who will
never know that I quietly follow them in
their own recovery in order to remain sober
myself.
Im a sneaky little devil...lol But a sober,
healthy, happy one.
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