LightInside

Aye!

I'm in the middle of (maybe the end of) a text conversation with my XA's sister. I am trying not to get into it or say much, because she is just one more person who thinks I'm trying to punish him for breaking my heart by "keeping his son from him." It is so hard not to announce to everyone that he is a great big liar. Everybody wants to tell how much he loves DS. No effing sh!t!

Lots of A's love their kids. That doesn't mean they don't subject them to danger. That doesn't mean that they won't choose drinking over them. I recently befriended a mom with a kid about my DS's age. She is a very happy, healthy RA. She told me that she knows if she was still drinking, she would still think her child is totally great and awesome, but she knows that if she was actively drinking, it would be too easy for her to bail, because parenting is really hard. I hold onto that as confirmation that love isn't all it takes to be a good, safe parent.

All of this talk from mutual friends and his family members does the same thing to me that his quackery always did. It makes me second guess myself. Okay, it doesn't make me, but it's a trigger. It's stressful to me! Eeeee!

I'm hip to his lying, his manipulation, his PLAYING THE VICTIM. I know he probably gives a giant sob story about me to everyone who will listen. They don't know him the way I do.

Help me resist! I thought and prayed and cried and talked with smart people I trust before I proceeded with this custody case. I know I'm doing the right thing in protecting my son from someone who passes out drunk when left alone with him. Also, I've made it perfectly clear to X, that if he doesn't like how things are right now, here are steps X, Y and Z for you to take to make it better.

Now he's in treatment since the beginning of the month. That is great. I'm glad, but I'm sorry to say that the stories on SR make me take that effort with a dash of salt (as opposed to a grain). Lots of stories here about relapse. And my X lives with his best friend/active A. How likely does it sound that he'll stay sober with the same playground and friends he's had since he started drinking?

Another rant: Why the hay would I make my life this hard if it wasn't for a good reason? I have one day a week to myself while DS is with X, which is really about 8-10 hours. I'm raising a toddler, going to work, working on this case, trying to recover from my broken heart, trying to find my new playground and friends. Life is hard for me right now. It would be so much effing easier if X would just get his sh!t together! And now look. I have a bunch of people thinking I'm doing this to punish him. I widened the chasm between X and me by doing this. I don't really like that stuff, although it's certainly helping me know who are really my friends. A wider chasm between me and X was undesirable to me, but probably for the best.

I suppose most of these people are just as misguided as I was while I was his enabler. Meh. I feel calmer now, but this issue comes up now and then.

NWGRITS

Alcoholism is a family disease. Outing his lies to his family would just get more pushback from them and more stress for you. Limit contact with them as much as possible. Continue doing what's best for you and your son. I'm going to be in Seattle Thursday morning. If it weren't for having to work that afternoon, I'd extend an invitation for a coffee and playdate with our munchkins.

PrinMel

"They don't know him the way I do"

I feel you so much in that one line. My ABF is the life of the party, the funny guy, the nicest guy ever. But none of his friends are here when he's drunk as ****, stumbling to bed at 3 in the morning, and yelling at our son and calling him a stupid little **** cuz he's crying instead of sleeping. They don't see it, but I do, every night.

LightInside

I held my ground with Sister. I encouraged her to talk with X if she had questions. I told her that it's between me and him. I told her that it's okay with me if she doesn't trust me on this. I know I'm doing what's right. It actually ended well and we talked about getting together soon with our Littles (They love each other) and not talking about the drama. I'm still wary.

She said stuff about me seeing her as a piece of garbage and the enemy. I've never said anything like that about her. Sigh. Family disease? Yes. Multiple generations? Yes. More than just addiction going on? Yes. And addiction already took the life of one sibling.

That's another thing. X's addiction is most likely never going to look as bad to them as the lost family member's addiction. They'll probably always measure him against that. How painful it would be for them to admit that X could end up just as destroyed as his sibling before he died. How painful it would be for them to admit that X could die from this.

FireSprite

That really is sad, what a terrible yardstick to measure by.

I was really lucky that RAH never fought me on things related to DD - he backed off & took a very hands-off approach with DD during his heaviest (secret) drinking & later told me pretty much the same as your friend said... that even though he loved her very, very much it was easy under the fog of the alcohol to step away from the difficulty of parenting & hide in a bottle instead. A distance between them naturally developed because he was still late for the stuff he was supposed to be there for (if he showed) and would find excuses NOT to have to help with her because he knew he was always drinking & driving (so he tried to avoid being responsible for picking her up or dropping her off, etc.). I did NOT know that at the time. He still disappointed her constantly & affected her greatly, but he did not fight me on things that really mattered.


Amen, sister!! Seriously.... who would CHOOSE to have to live like this? "More stress please! I just can't get enough!"

LightInside

Thank you all. Grits, I do hope we can get the kiddos and us together one day soon. There are a few coffee places around here that have play rooms.

Carlotta

Codies can quack too: that's what they are doing.

Hammer

I get some of this stuff from MIL and AA Gossip Girls.

The way I handle it anymore is AWtf can tell lies . . . (CCC for me) . . . but I can tell the truth.

We get about 2 minutes into the truth, and MIL and AA Gossip Girls do not want to hear much more. Combination of anger for being lied to, and being found as a chump.

Oh well.

NOT. HAMMER'S. PROBLEM.

nor YOURS.

LightInside

Word. It's hard to change the belief that other people's opinions of me matter. I'm doing it though. It's hard when it's family or even former family that I'd like to still be on good terms with. It's okay though. I have conviction. Everyone sane in my life understands me and my actions.

NYCDoglvr

My hat is off to you in making tough choices that will positively affect the well being of you and your child. You owe no one an explanation and I'm very glad you're not hanging your hat on your husband staying sober. Most people don't stay sober, at least not the first time. God bless!

LightInside

Thank you, Dog Lover. I still have a long way to go. He still gets to me. Today he sent me a text meant for his mom, kind of joking about me always being late. He used to be so angry and abusive about that character defect of mine. I dropped DS off and picked some raspberries from my plant (He lives in the house we rented together). He said he wanted DS to pick those. This got to me, because this was my house and my plant and these little things seem to mean a lot to me.

I've asked him to limit our conversation subjects to DS and his welfare, but today X mentioned that he's sleeping better and longer now that he's not drinking. I still wish we could have been a family with him sober. I'm glad he has space from me to be a teenager again our shatter he's going to revert to add he divers up.

Here's the big one though. I REALLY struggle with letting go of the hope that he will regret pushing me away once he is sober for awhile and "sees the light." I know I can't get at all attached to that, but it's such a habit! His validation of me as worthy and this sick hope that he will be so effing sorry one day. They are my destructive addictions. I work on it though. I do.

Yesterday I took my son to a big summer festival and we had a great time! So peaceful and fun. Last year we went as a "family." X was a drunk a-hole and really abusive to me that day. It was a trauma for me. This year I took that event back and made new, happy memories.It's change for the good even though it's been grievous for me.

LightInside

Ummm... Auto correct had a ball with me there. Then SR wasn't coming through on my phone so I couldn't edit. That should say, "be a teenager again or whatever he's going to revert to as he sobers up."

I just have a hard time with any improvements he makes or anything fun he does, because I'm jealous that he doesn't want to do it with me. He's making a music studio in the garage with his best friend/active A. I wish I could be happy for him like I would be if we were together.

I swear that I am better than I have been in months. It's just hard to shake. Going to go to relationship addiction 12 step anon mtg. today.

hopeful4

Stay the course my friend. My little daughter came home today, calmly closed the door, and showed me pics of beer cans in her fathers car. She said, "i dont think this is from today but this shows das drinks in the car and thats not safe." This child is eight. She carries a phone at all times so she can call me if any little thing is off. And through counseling and alot of education she will call me. If she was younger i would have fought for supervised visits and will if he ever does anything to endanger them. He knows this.
He loves the kids, but alcohol gets someone in its grips and its too hard to let go. Be your childs advocate and dont change your mind bc of uneducated quackery.

XXX

LightInside

Thank you all for your support. I need people like you. Thank you. <3