O.k. let’s say the spouse....

Old 06-20-2014, 05:34 AM
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O.k. let’s say the spouse....

O.k. let’s say the spouse is an alcoholic and it’s been nothing but broken promises/lies.

Does Al-Anon help members to accept the behavior or when to say enough is enough?
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Old 06-20-2014, 06:02 AM
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I'm not an al-anon member, I pick up most of my info about the program here from other members of SR. Hopefully someone else will come along with better insight or to correct me if I have misinformation.

Al Anon helps you understand the limits of your control as it pertains to your qualifier. They help you return the focus of your energy back onto yourself so that you can be as mentally strong as possible in order to work on things like acceptance, detachment, staying, leaving, etc. It puts the focus back on you within a support network of people who understand your situation having been in it themselves to varying degrees. It helps you build a toolbox of tools to use when you are faced with challenges, and those tools can really be applied to all relationships...... not just specific to dealing with alcoholics or addicts.

As you get stronger & more educated about addiction, you become better able to make decisions like when is "enough is enough" or what you are willing to accept.

HTH!
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Old 06-20-2014, 06:04 AM
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Originally Posted by FireSprite View Post
I'm not an al-anon member, I pick up most of my info about the program here from other members of SR. Hopefully someone else will come along with better insight or to correct me if I have misinformation.

Al Anon helps you understand the limits of your control as it pertains to your qualifier. They help you return the focus of your energy back onto yourself so that you can be as mentally strong as possible in order to work on things like acceptance, detachment, staying, leaving, etc. It puts the focus back on you within a support network of people who understand your situation having been in it themselves to varying degrees. It helps you build a toolbox of tools to use when you are faced with challenges, and those tools can really be applied to all relationships...... not just specific to dealing with alcoholics or addicts.

As you get stronger & more educated about addiction, you become better able to make decisions like when is "enough is enough" or what you are willing to accept.

HTH!
Got it.

Thanks
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Old 06-20-2014, 06:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Ken33xx View Post
O.k. let’s say the spouse is an alcoholic and it’s been nothing but broken promises/lies.
Been there. Living the Dream.

Does Al-Anon help members to accept the behavior or when to say enough is enough?
Accepting does NOT MEAN YOU SIT THERE AND TAKE THE CRAP. It is more like saying:

A cow says Moooo.
A dog says Bark, Bark.
A cat say Meow.
A Liar Lies.

See, it is about YOU Stopping the "YEAH, BUTs," and excuses WE MAKE for the A's Crap Behavior.

Once you are really clear that a Cow goes Mooo, (and a Liar Lies) THEN if you do not want that barnyard creature in your house and your life, you can begin steps to remove it/them.
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Old 06-20-2014, 06:26 AM
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FireSprite, I think you said it perfectly! It's been my experience in Alanon that some choose to stay w/their spouse/significant other while others do not. Sometimes the choice to remain is a purely economic one while the non-A finds a job and does what's needed to become self-supporting before leaving the A. There is no judgment about whatever choice is made; people are individuals in individual situations.

When I showed up at my first Alanon meeting, all turned inside out and crying, I was so ANGRY at my A I was ready to leave him right that second. He hurt me and I wanted him out of my life RIGHT NOW, if not sooner! The wiser heads at Alanon asked me a little about my situation and asked if I felt in financial or physical danger if I remained there. Once I told them that it was a marriage of 17 years and no, I had no fears of violence or bankruptcy, they advised me to give it a year before making such a big decision. The thinking behind that was that I was clearly not in my right mind, and a year of working on myself would give me a much more accurate picture of what I really wanted and how to get there.

Naively, I felt that the problem/fault was all HIS, and if only alcohol was removed from the picture, life would be rosy. Well, between Alanon and SR, I found out this was NOT the case, and while I hadn't caused and couldn't control or cure his drinking, there was a whole crapload of stuff that I DID have control over--and the nasty surprise was, it was all about ME! Hmm, imagine that...

So anyway, a year has come and gone. My A is in recovery. I've learned a lot about me, changed a lot about me, and have realized that recovery is an ongoing process for both of us. For now, staying with him is still the right choice, but like they say, I'm taking it "one day at a time."

Wishing you success in your own recovery, and hoping that Alanon can help you w/those issues that AA doesn't necessarily address.
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Old 06-20-2014, 06:40 AM
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I do attend Al-Anon meetings on a regular basis and Ken33 your information is on the money. Al-Anon is "not" about my AH, it is about "me". We work the same 12 step program as AA and focus on ourselves. Without working on it I tend to get wrapped up in the alcoholics behaviors and stop taking care of myself. My mind will become consumed with if or when he is going to drink, what I can do to convince him he needs to stop,

Fact of the matter is, there is nothing I can say or do or not say or not do that will make one bit of difference in whether he decides to drink or not! Al-Anon helps me stay focused on letting go of all that responsibility that isn't even mine to begin with. Didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.

Through Al-Anon I have been able to step away from the craziness and fill my life with the things that make me happy and strong. Learning how to do that and detach it gave me the space in my head to figure out the changes I needed to make for me. I couldn't see the forest for the trees... so moving out of that forest I could see things so much more clearly! My Al-Anon family has been such an incredible support for me because they have been there, done that and I don't feel like I am alone in the journey.

I had to try a few different Al-Anon meetings to find the right fit for me. Each group has a different dynamic so it's okay to shop around and find the right fit. The members of my group have truly become a family to me. I walk away from meetings feeling serenity I thought I would never feel again. At the end of the day serenity is truly a blessing.
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