juskeepswimin

I'm new to this forum. I come to this site for support and advice, as I'm currently feeling pretty helpless. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 months. 2 months into our relationship I found out he had an addiction to heroin, a total surprise to me... but also an explanation to odd behavior that I had seen over the course of those last few months. He admitted that he had an addiction and had relapsed only after I found foils with a burned substance on it and point blank asked him what it was. I asked many questions, as I'm pretty clueless to drugs and addiction. he told me that this was something he had been dealing with for the past year and he had gone to a treatment center previously ( about 4 months before we met). At this point, not knowing what I was getting myself into and blind to love, I decided to stick by his side and be supportive so long as he was trying to stay clean.he decided to go cold turkey after continuous use for the past month... Going cold turkey caused a lot of ups and downs of withdrawal and using. It also created a lot of trust issues in our relationship. Ultimately, with the support of me and his family, we realized that he couldn't do this on his own. I stayed by his side for a month long treatment program 2 hours away. I also attended a 3 day intensive family program that was offered at the treatment center. I've educated myself through him, this 3 day intensive program and also through online research. After seeing how much progress and success he made in treatment, I had thought that this nightmare was behind us. He's currently been living in an oxford house for the past month since he's been out of treatment. However, on Father's Day he dropped a bombshell on me and after asking him if he's doing drugs point blank he admitted he was smoking heroin again. I have experienced just about every emotion over the past few days. He says he's going to get clean, but at this point I don't know what to believe or even if his addiction will ever get under control. After getting out of treatment I told him if he used again I would be gone... And yet here i am again sticking by his side, going against my word I gave. I love him so much and despite this drug addiction, I can see so much potential of what I love about him... I am embarrassed to tell my parents, (who are my support system) that the man I love has an addiction to heroin. I guess I just need advice and/or supportive words, as I'm pretty emotionally drained at this point and feel like if I can't trust someone who claims to love me as much as anybody else in this world does, then who can I trust?

carguysgirl

Hi others with far more experience and insight will be along to greet you. I just want to express my support for you and tell you how sorry I am that you are in this situation. As to the question which is your last sentence-trust yourself and your instincts! Be well take care of yourself!

scheherazade

I can't tell you how much I relate to this thread. You're me. This is what I've been going through the last six months.

I won't tell you how my story went, because I know you're not looking for advice or history. All I can tell you is, I'm so, so, so sorry for your experience and I know what ultimate hell it can be sometimes, to love someone you can't really trust, to watch them suffering and also know they're the reason they're suffering and they're also the reason you're suffering, and be so confused as to how much support you should give, what enabling is, what addiction is, what kind of relationship you can have / if you can have a relationship, how this is affecting you, if you're helping, that you didn't know what you were signing up for but also knowing you love them, and don't want to leave.

It's awful, and painful, and I'm glad you found this site. I haven't posted much, but I've read and read. There's a lot of wisdom and experience on here, and even more support. The people here have been going through this a lot longer than we have, and sometimes reading their stories can help you sort out your own thoughts and feeling and sometimes hearing their support can carry you through some truly terrible moments.

All I can ask now is, how are you taking care of yourself? I know your boyfriend is suffering, but - and I can't stress this enough - ultimately, they are in charge of their addiction and ending it or continuing it. As much as they might say otherwise, or as much as you might think it, your presence and efforts don't make much of a dent in whether they get clean or not. So, if you're sticking around, can I ask, do you have regular therapy or a Narc-Anon group you can go to? It's really, really important to not lose sight of yourself, and it's so easy to do when you love someone with an addiction.

I hope you're okay, and I know it's so hard. Feel free to PM me if you ever need to talk.

Hugs.

EDIT// Sorry, I just saw that advice is exactly what you are looking for - oops. Egg on my face. It's hard to know what to do in these circumstances - do you want to know if its likely that he'll recover? Or if you should stay? From what I know of heroin addiction, after the last few months of having it consume my life, is that the addict has to really, really, really want to recover. Oftentimes, they'll say they do, but actually wanting drugs out of your life is a hard decision to make. For them, it's a physical and powerful psychological thing.

They can love the people they love as much as a person can love someone else, but until they're really ready to get clean, they will always love the drug more. No matter how much it puts them or the people they love through. This is a hard thing to accept, and a hard thing to wrap your mind around when you see them swear off it, and they say over and over again how sorry they are and how much they love you and how determined they are to quit. But he has to be really ready for a long, hard, painful journey, and if you're ready to be on it with him, you should probably prepare yourself for something very tough and often intensely lonely, until he gets better, if he does. I know that doesn't sound hopeful, but I don't mean to be naysaying. People do get better. People do want to get better. But the decision to recover (on his end) and the decision to stay (on your end) is entirely personal, and only you know what's right.

Sadie33

Based off my own personal experience, I can tell you it won't get easier. It may seem so hard to leave him now, especially while you can still see so much potential. But a relationship with an addict will never be easy, even when they are recovering, relapse is never more than a hit away. As much as you love him, my humble advice, is love yourself more.

juskeepswimin

You don't know how nice it is to hear someone that can relate to me so well. Thanks for your words. I guess I just want to know that my efforts of staying with him and dealing with a roller coaster or emotions is really worth it. I don't know that he's ready, and I don't know when he will be ready when he decides.
As far as support groups and therapy goes, I have not yet sought that out. I guess I felt pretty good with the progress I made with myself while he was in treatment and the three day intensive program that I went to that was offered for families. I felt like I was on a good path and that everything was in the past... Also, I sometimes feel like my particular situation may look silly or small in comparison to some people and families who have been in marriages with kids for years with addicts. And I've been with my boyfriend for what? 6 months? This has made me feel somewhat intimidated to make the step into seeking out outside help.
In the last few days that I've found out he's been using again, I do see myself slipping back into where I was when he decided to get sober on his own before treatment. I am in constant worry about him when we aren't together. I've been going back to checking his phone like I used to and looking for any signs of using that I've seen before. when I bring up these suspicions that I have, I often feel guilty that somehow me bringing it up will create an argument and make him want to go use again. He says he's not using, but I can't tell you how many times he said he's not and he has. I know he doesn't tell me because he doesn't want to lose me or disappoint.
Most of the time he will admit he's been using only if I've interrogated him for awhile and it's gotten to the point of an argument. I hate that. Why does it have to get to the point of an argument when all he has to do is be honest from the beginning? It's exhausting. It's really hard for me to suspect and not say anything because I know his addiction has the potential to get really out of control. Id rather nip it in the butt early rather than deal with pain and sorrow later down the road. I guess you can call that rescuing, but I often look at it as rescuing myself too since the situation affects not just him, but me as well.

scheherazade

Same! I got wrapped up in my AXBF's addiction so much I became very involved with his family, and often I felt terrible because I would feel so ragged and confused, and then I'd look at them, who'd been grappling with this for years. However, pain is still pain, and you're still onboard with an addiction, and your need for support is just as valid. There's no minimum suffering required - this is a universally sucky thing, from bitter start to bitter end, and we're all here for you.

I felt the same way as you - if I pressure him into admitting he's using, is bringing about that disappointment and anger and frustration and guilt going to push him into using? Let me tell you, this is a mistake I made. What you do and what you don't do has no bearing on whether he uses or not. HE has the power to decide he's going to use. HE will use if he wants to use, regardless of what you do. Your job is not to create a consequence-free environment for him or to soften the blow of his relapses. This only gives him power, and costs you energy.

Imagine you're not there - life will still be full of disappointments, setbacks and painful moments. That's just what life is, for users and non-users alike. An absence of negative feelings or guilt will not assist in keeping him clean, not in the long term.

That being said, you have to accept dishonesty as part of this addiction. Junkies lie. I'm not saying it as a character flaw. It is, however, a part of the addiction. He will lie about his using if it makes it easier. He will lie about his using to spare your feelings. He will lie about his using to continue using. He will lie even though he loves you. It isn't personal. It is the way it is. Lying and dishonesty are part of your relationship, if you're with a person with an active addiction.

I had the idea in my head that if I could get him to be honest about when he was using, if I could build trust in our relationship, maybe I could get him to see the reality of it, maybe I could somehow establish some boundaries and help taper him off. From what I've experienced and what I've read, this is a much bigger monster than that. Nothing we do can make a difference, and expecting complete honesty from a heroin addict about their addiction is as realistic as expecting a blind person to describe a watercolor painting. They can want to very badly, but they have a condition that is going to prevent that from happening. My AXBF lied constantly, all the time, to my face, so beautifully and sincerely. It is heartbreaking.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

Opiate addiction, to be blunt, is a mutherf**ker. Unfortunately, you're in the process of learning that the hard way. The good news is you've found a place where you can safely share what's going on, and others will share their experiences with you.

One observation I would like to make is you don't really know him. You know him while he's under the influence. And as someone who's been on your side of the equation, I can tell you the person that they are on drugs is quite different than the person off drugs.

Who do you trust? Your gut. Right now, you need to know exactly what you're up against. And once you understand that, you'll be in a position to make the best decisions for you...while being mindful that what you want and what's best for you may be orthogonal to each other.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

juskeepswimin

I was compelled to check out your post since your situation sounded so much like mine. I wanted to inbox you but I haven't posted enough times to pm. I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. I also am in my early twenties going to grad school. I shed tears and hurt for the same reasons you do. I wish I could give you advice as far as the future or outcome, but I too am in nearly the same boat as you. Although I have yet to break up with him, I feel like it won't be long here if he continues using. I truly commend you on putting aside your feelings to do what's best for yourself and your future. I wish I could be there to shed tears with you, as I completely relate and empathize with your story. I want you to know that despite what you've been through these last few months and how weak you may feel after trusting him and being disappointed so many times...you are much stronger then you think you are.
I have been in contact throughout this whole ordeal with his family and love them almost as much as I love him. I have yet to break it to them that he relapsed. He didn't want to tell them I illy, but I have convinced him to. However, he says he wants to get sobriety under his belt for a few days before he breaks the news to them that he's relapsed. If he doesn't, should I tell his parents? I feel like I owe it to them to let them know...But at the same time I hate to bearer of bad news. They will be heart broken.

juskeepswimin

I have grappled with this idea many times. I realize that I don't know him, but I often see beneath his addiction who he really is. Yes, it's suppressed by his addiction, but I still see things I love at a minimal level. While he was in treatment and right before he relapsed the other day, I saw those things shine more than ever before. It was amazing. I guess it's that person that I hold onto and those moments that I hope will become forever...
Thanks for your words. They are helpful for me and make me reflect on my actions moving forward.

scheherazade

Haha, what a terrible ride to be on, but I'm honestly glad someone is on it with me.

I had to make the choice to tell his parents or not at one point, when things got awful. In the end, I didn't. He did. At the time I took it as a sign he wanted to be clean, but it was short-lived.

In my case, I held off because I thought it would be an easier pill to swallow (as easy as hearing your son has relapsed can be, anyway) coming from him; and I only ever considered it when his life was at risk. But that was just me. Every situation is so different. Listen to your gut. That's the best we can do.