Who do you trust?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 199
Who do you trust?
I have failed in the past at sobriety by trying it alone for fear of social and professional backlash but see that isn't going to work (3 years later). I have since posted on SR for the first time (yesterday) and contacted a counselor.
My question to you my new friends, is whom did you trust in early recovery with your "secret". I have told my husband in the past that I want to quit drinking and he doesn't understand that I am not able to moderate. Our entire relationship has centered around social functions, that include drinking. He does not have an issue with having 1 or 2 drinks and leaving it alone, and has many plans for our future (vacations, etc) that center around drinking. I am afraid he will not be a supportive or understanding spouse of how difficult and troublesome this is for me. Help! I would love to hear your advise and stories!
My question to you my new friends, is whom did you trust in early recovery with your "secret". I have told my husband in the past that I want to quit drinking and he doesn't understand that I am not able to moderate. Our entire relationship has centered around social functions, that include drinking. He does not have an issue with having 1 or 2 drinks and leaving it alone, and has many plans for our future (vacations, etc) that center around drinking. I am afraid he will not be a supportive or understanding spouse of how difficult and troublesome this is for me. Help! I would love to hear your advise and stories!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Not many people, for the first month, I told no one, just me and SR knew!!
After a while I started to open up to close family members and friends as we crossed paths, but to this day work colleagues neither know I had a problem or that I am now a recovering alcoholic, neither do many of my family or people I know. Keep it a small group at first, there is no pressure to make any announcements!!
Non alcoholics don't get it, explain to him the 1st drink may kill you, for some people that is actually true, would your husband offer a diabetic candy or force them to have sugar in their coffee, boil it down to this line of thinking and he's being quite reckless with your life, alcohol is a serious business and he needs to realise that!!
After a while I started to open up to close family members and friends as we crossed paths, but to this day work colleagues neither know I had a problem or that I am now a recovering alcoholic, neither do many of my family or people I know. Keep it a small group at first, there is no pressure to make any announcements!!
Non alcoholics don't get it, explain to him the 1st drink may kill you, for some people that is actually true, would your husband offer a diabetic candy or force them to have sugar in their coffee, boil it down to this line of thinking and he's being quite reckless with your life, alcohol is a serious business and he needs to realise that!!
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by NewFighter 
My question to you my new friends, is whom did you trust in early recovery with your "secret".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Hi NewFighter,
About my alcoholism, and now sobriety? I think it's wise to be selective. I trust SR, obviously. My therapist. People in AA, but I'm not going to many meetings. An old lover (another alcoholic and addict) and my current girlfriend also know, but with them we don't really discuss it much.
So for me so far my trust about this goes mainly to SR and my therapist - these are also my most effective sources of support and learning.
About my alcoholism, and now sobriety? I think it's wise to be selective. I trust SR, obviously. My therapist. People in AA, but I'm not going to many meetings. An old lover (another alcoholic and addict) and my current girlfriend also know, but with them we don't really discuss it much.
So for me so far my trust about this goes mainly to SR and my therapist - these are also my most effective sources of support and learning.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
By secret, do you mean your drinking? Or your quitting?
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
My partner felt for a long time that I just needed to cut back, until I had a really bad drunk and she saw me as a completely different person than I had ever been before (picture jersey shore, yelling, screaming, cursing, name calling...). What she hadn't seen prior and what I hadn't ever verbalized was the way it ate away at me. Even I I had just a few drinks like everyone else, and had fun even, I woke up with self hatred and guilt along with the nasty hangovers.
Maybe stop and then learn to say that to your husband, how it makes you feel. Hope that helped.
Maybe stop and then learn to say that to your husband, how it makes you feel. Hope that helped.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: England
Posts: 424
My husband knows I've been trying to quit. After a few months it became obvious I was drinking too much.
When I first tried to quit I didn't tell anyone but here. I failed. I told my hubby, here and failed after a couple of weeks but got back on the horse and posted here. I've been without a drink for three weeks now - not a lot but a huge achievement for me. My hubby has helped a lot, although he cannot understand it. He can have a drink then stop. I can't.
When I first tried to quit I didn't tell anyone but here. I failed. I told my hubby, here and failed after a couple of weeks but got back on the horse and posted here. I've been without a drink for three weeks now - not a lot but a huge achievement for me. My hubby has helped a lot, although he cannot understand it. He can have a drink then stop. I can't.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by Needinghelp82
My husband knows I've been trying to quit. After a few months it became obvious I was drinking too much.
When I first tried to quit I didn't tell anyone but here. I failed. I told my hubby, here and failed after a couple of weeks but got back on the horse and posted here. I've been without a drink for three weeks now - not a lot but a huge achievement for me. My hubby has helped a lot, although he cannot understand it. He can have a drink then stop. I can't.
When I first tried to quit I didn't tell anyone but here. I failed. I told my hubby, here and failed after a couple of weeks but got back on the horse and posted here. I've been without a drink for three weeks now - not a lot but a huge achievement for me. My hubby has helped a lot, although he cannot understand it. He can have a drink then stop. I can't.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
If abstinence is is your choice and spouse doesn't understand what that means something has to give and it should not be you. Once sober, activities that center around alcohol become old quick. Best wishes on permanent abstinence first and relationship second--they can both work.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: England
Posts: 424
Originally Posted by NewFighter
I have had the same experiences over the past couple of years, but he has only ever asked me to cut back. He has no idea of the hell and remorse. Needinghelp82, did you remove the Alcohol from your home? Is it fair to request that of your spouse? I feel like such a failure, as I can say no in other situations but not at home. I had no intention of drinking Tuesday after a week of sobriety, ( I am done with it) but as requested picked up a six pack at the grocery store for him as I was fixing dinner for us and our friends that evening, I didn't think it would be a problem. He had a beer before our oldest sons ball game and I fell right back into old habits.... 3 beers, 1/2 a bottle of wine, and 3 shots of whiskey before bed I was right back where I started a week before......
You are not a failure. You can do this, we all can. If you need your hubby to stop drinking at home I think it's reasonable to request it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,440
If someone offers you a drink, you can be honest, lie, play coy, walk away, do what ever you need to do, it's your business. It doesn't need to be a big deal. People will know you are a non-drinker in time.
My girlfriend has been both supportive and unsupportive if that makes sense. She's a heavier drinker and has questioned her own drinking, so I think she gets it but maybe feels threatened that I will try to get her to quit. My drinking is about me though, and in the long run I don't see any problem with her accepting me not drinking. She just might not believe I will stick with it. We've talked in the past about me quitting drinking and I've flip-flopped so I own that. I guess it's just easier for me for just focus on my sobriety and not worry about other people understanding right now.
So, to answer you question directly, nobody really (outside SR) but it's not so much a secret as it is a personal matter for me. I wouldn't lie, but I don't make a big deal of it.
My girlfriend has been both supportive and unsupportive if that makes sense. She's a heavier drinker and has questioned her own drinking, so I think she gets it but maybe feels threatened that I will try to get her to quit. My drinking is about me though, and in the long run I don't see any problem with her accepting me not drinking. She just might not believe I will stick with it. We've talked in the past about me quitting drinking and I've flip-flopped so I own that. I guess it's just easier for me for just focus on my sobriety and not worry about other people understanding right now.
So, to answer you question directly, nobody really (outside SR) but it's not so much a secret as it is a personal matter for me. I wouldn't lie, but I don't make a big deal of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Western New York
Posts: 2,440
Originally Posted by NewFighter
I have had the same experiences over the past couple of years, but he has only ever asked me to cut back. He has no idea of the hell and remorse. Needinghelp82, did you remove the Alcohol from your home? Is it fair to request that of your spouse? I feel like such a failure, as I can say no in other situations but not at home. I had no intention of drinking Tuesday after a week of sobriety, ( I am done with it) but as requested picked up a six pack at the grocery store for him as I was fixing dinner for us and our friends that evening, I didn't think it would be a problem. He had a beer before our oldest sons ball game and I fell right back into old habits.... 3 beers, 1/2 a bottle of wine, and 3 shots of whiskey before bed I was right back where I started a week before......
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: NW UK
Posts: 164
I think a big part of my personal struggle has been letting anybody in at all, even people i've met at aa I really kept at arms distance, it's something I really need to work out now. I also went back to college at 33 this year after ruining my career and only just had enough attendance to pass my course after relapsing. But I was pretty self conscious there when anybody asked about what I was doing at the weekends, if would go to the pub etc. In the end I started to be more upfront but didn't disclose anything that could put me in the firing line.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by brach123
I think a big part of my personal struggle has been letting anybody in at all, even people i've met at aa I really kept at arms distance, it's something I really need to work out now. I also went back to college at 33 this year after ruining my career and only just had enough attendance to pass my course after relapsing. But I was pretty self conscious there when anybody asked about what I was doing at the weekends, if would go to the pub etc. In the end I started to be more upfront but didn't disclose anything that could put me in the firing line.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: The Deep South
Posts: 14,636
It's hard for me to trust others too. But I checked myself into an outpatient 20 day program and it was a great decision. I opened up to the people in my group and felt mostly safe in doing so.
I've been to some AA meetings and unfortunately, have just never felt safe enough there to share with them. I've just listened. That environment was drastically different from IOP.
However, I did find a sponsor. An older lady, educated, and fairly open-minded. We've not had much contact but I do keep in touch with her via phone and text.
Currently, I'm attending Continuing Care meetings at the rehab where I did the IOP. I go sporadically as needed.
So... I really get where you're coming from. It's sometimes hard to trust and open up. But in most cases, it's been rewarding for me to do so. I continue to push myself to realize that it's ok to take a risk sometimes in divulging parts of yourself. The way I'm coming to see it is that I do take a risk when I open up. And someone might be able to say something that's hurtful. But I also have the power to not let it crush me anymore. It's about how YOU feel about yourself and your own recovery, not about how they see you.
Added: I'd be absolutely upfront about it with your spouse. Your spouse should know the ins and outs of what's going on. Hopefully, he'll be supportive. As for friends/family. I think everyone's situation is different. I don't communicate with anyone in my family except my dad and grandfather. They both are aware I'm in recovery. But it doesn't really matter, as we aren't close anymore. I've divorced myself from my family due to the dysfunction, in an effort to protect my sobriety.
I've been to some AA meetings and unfortunately, have just never felt safe enough there to share with them. I've just listened. That environment was drastically different from IOP.
However, I did find a sponsor. An older lady, educated, and fairly open-minded. We've not had much contact but I do keep in touch with her via phone and text.
Currently, I'm attending Continuing Care meetings at the rehab where I did the IOP. I go sporadically as needed.
So... I really get where you're coming from. It's sometimes hard to trust and open up. But in most cases, it's been rewarding for me to do so. I continue to push myself to realize that it's ok to take a risk sometimes in divulging parts of yourself. The way I'm coming to see it is that I do take a risk when I open up. And someone might be able to say something that's hurtful. But I also have the power to not let it crush me anymore. It's about how YOU feel about yourself and your own recovery, not about how they see you.
Added: I'd be absolutely upfront about it with your spouse. Your spouse should know the ins and outs of what's going on. Hopefully, he'll be supportive. As for friends/family. I think everyone's situation is different. I don't communicate with anyone in my family except my dad and grandfather. They both are aware I'm in recovery. But it doesn't really matter, as we aren't close anymore. I've divorced myself from my family due to the dysfunction, in an effort to protect my sobriety.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
IMO I think the best action is honesty with your spouse.
Have a frank and open conversation. I know it is hard but you will feel a lot better afterward. This will also let you know what page he is on when it comes to supporting you.
Guessing what he thinks and hiding recovery makes it 100 times harder.
To others outside your home, you do not have to tell them anything. You can reply to comments that you are on a health kick and that is not a lie.
I should have told nobody. I told my mom because she lives with me and that backfired. She told everyone of her friends, my children, some relatives and some people from my past. Why? That is a entire new thread but I go to AA and the second A stands for anonymous. We are not anonymous with each other, just people outside the program.
This is your recovery. Your life. You do what feels right for you. That can change but it would be your choice.
Have a frank and open conversation. I know it is hard but you will feel a lot better afterward. This will also let you know what page he is on when it comes to supporting you.
Guessing what he thinks and hiding recovery makes it 100 times harder.
To others outside your home, you do not have to tell them anything. You can reply to comments that you are on a health kick and that is not a lie.
I should have told nobody. I told my mom because she lives with me and that backfired. She told everyone of her friends, my children, some relatives and some people from my past. Why? That is a entire new thread but I go to AA and the second A stands for anonymous. We are not anonymous with each other, just people outside the program.
This is your recovery. Your life. You do what feels right for you. That can change but it would be your choice.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: the beach
Posts: 37
Hi Newfighter! I am struggling with who to tell, as well. I am now 13 days sober and up until yesterday, only my husband was in the loop. Thankfully, he's completely supportive and we've removed all alcohol from our home. He was never a regular drinker but I think he's struggling some not being able to enjoy an occasional beer.
I've only opened up to good friend of mine who doesn't drink (I knew she would be supportive) and my brother, who has also struggled with addiction. I have yet to approach the topic with my drinking friends and so far, have just avoided them altogether.
I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel supported by your husband
Maybe direct him here to this website or print out some information about alcoholism.
I've only opened up to good friend of mine who doesn't drink (I knew she would be supportive) and my brother, who has also struggled with addiction. I have yet to approach the topic with my drinking friends and so far, have just avoided them altogether.
I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel supported by your husband
Maybe direct him here to this website or print out some information about alcoholism.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by NewFighter
I have had the same experiences over the past couple of years, but he has only ever asked me to cut back. He has no idea of the hell and remorse. Needinghelp82, did you remove the Alcohol from your home? Is it fair to request that of your spouse? I feel like such a failure, as I can say no in other situations but not at home. I had no intention of drinking Tuesday after a week of sobriety, ( I am done with it) but as requested picked up a six pack at the grocery store for him as I was fixing dinner for us and our friends that evening, I didn't think it would be a problem. He had a beer before our oldest sons ball game and I fell right back into old habits.... 3 beers, 1/2 a bottle of wine, and 3 shots of whiskey before bed I was right back where I started a week before......
Obviously it's an easier road if you can exclude all booze from your house, but that may not be an option your husband is willing to sign off on. But you work with what you have to work with. It is possible to not drink despite there being a half-case of beer in the refrigerator. It's possible to buy beer for someone else and never have any yourself. These are not impossibilities.
But as a practical matter as the number of miles between you and the nearest source of alcohol increases, your chances of drinking alcohol decrease, so staying far away from booze in early sobriety is a good idea if you can manage it.
These are the hazards of marriage, sometimes no. 1 spouse isn't with the program and you have to work around them a little. I have heard that there are benefits as well.
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