EmmyG

Last night I was lying in bed being so sad and feeling like a terrible mother after an argument with AH and I had posted on SR so I went back and read the responses...what really struck me was that people pointed out how every time I interact with him, I end up upset. I have still been really torn emotionally, because most of the time lately he has been pretty nice to me. He's also had a much better relationship with the kids. He says it's because I'm not there to oppress him and stress him out. He says I would question him even when he walked out the door to run to the store. It's true, I did that, because I was always afraid he was leaving to go on a bender. He still blames me for so much. Anyway, I tonight about reality last night and how if he truly loved me like he days he does, he would not enjoy upsetting me like it he seems to. He knows I am a good person but he constantly points out my flaws.

I envision getting the old me back and thriving. I'm slowly working toward it. Losing weight, taking better care of myself, going to school, got a better job, etc. But part of what holds me back is I know he is unhappy and miserable. I feel almost tied to him, or obligated to see him happy. But the reality of it is he doesn't WANT me to do that or end me there. Last night when I called him to discuss our disagreement, he started shouting and told me to leave him alone. So I did. It's time to grow up. I read a lot about divorce last night. I think I'm just lonely. I miss the companionship and affection that I sometimes got from him. I like taking care of a home. But it's not really him I miss. You know for Father's Day I took the boys to get him a card, his favorite desert, and an orchid for his new place. Even though he didn't acknowledge Mother's Day or our anniversary in May. That pretty much sums up our relationship. What kind of delusional fool misses that? Sure he can be playful, fun, and charming. And generous. But when he's angry, he can scream, call me names, put me down. And when he's drunk, he can put his hand around my neck. That is reality isn't it.

CodeJob

Emmy,

If you keep working on your vision, I think it will steer you well.

Being a GenXer,the phrase 'Reality Bites' is somewhat apt.

Fandy

His "unhappiness and misery" are HIS behavior, not yours....he still has the power to drag you down.

He is an adult, you don't need to coddle him for any reason, he is verbally abusive and has been physically abusive and he points his finger at you any time he can't deal with it on his own. why on earth do you KEEP calling him to discuss his tantrums???

Blahblahblah, stamp his feet, yell, complain and then yell some more....sheesh, no one can tolerate him except his mama who is now stepped into the caretaker role.

hold your head up, you are doing great, I see this king baby as a giant albatross. The reality is that YOU are moving forward and if you let yourself, you will have a great life and meet many good people along the way. he is trying to control you...don't let him.

SparkleKitty

EmmyG, I think you are marvelous. Look at all the brilliant steps forward you have made towards a healthier future. Being alone can be very frightening at first, but it doesn't have to be lonely. As you build a stronger relationship with yourself you are investing in a future where loneliness just isn't an option.

You don't owe this man anything, and if that is a difficult thing to accept right now, then start with at least not owing him anything better than you owe yourself. Sending you strength and courage, but mostly the patience and clarity to recognize that you already have both in spades.

lillamy

You'll get over that when you realize that you have no power over whether he's happy, sad, angry, or anything else. He is responsible for his emotions.

Good for you! Your interests actually line up there -- he wants to be left alone; you're better off when you leave him alone!

dandylion

EmmyG---looks like you have been helicoptering him for some time. It takes some determination and practice to break a long engrained habit.

Practice. Practice. Practice.

dandylion

m1k3

Emmy, simple question, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Your friend,

hopeful4

Emmy, I understand. My XAH can be very charming and nice. He can also be an abusing a$$. That's the part I have to remember. I too questioned him each time he left, because he was doing just what I knew, drinking. I could not handle it and don't deserve it.

You deserve someone worthy of you, and he is not.

I posted this yesterday and will again today, here. I saw this on the Dr. Laura FB page and it struck a chord with me, "You have to deal with what is, not what you wish it might become." Live in the here and now. You are doing great. Communication with him hurts you. Keep it about the kids only, that will help.

Tight Hugs. You are doing great.

XXX

EmmyG

NOTHING. Nothing at all. When I speak to my sister or one of me cousins or an old friend, they make me feel so loved and when I speak to him, I feel terrible. He gives me nothing that feels like love.

EmmyG

Thanks!!! Yes, what a horrible way to live. I couldn't even put my kids to bed or relax when he would ever go out because I didn't know what he'd be like when he came home. Whether I'd need to gather our things and get to a motel. That's no life and it's sick that he tries to make me feel unreasonable for that. That's his denial. At least this way, he doesn't drink around the kids so they are only seeing the best of him.

redatlanta

Sounds like you are still in "do the right thing" mode. Father's day, asking him if kids can go the grandma's etc. After all that you have been through you are still seeking approval where you will NEVER get it.

Most A's I have known have a huge sense of entitlement. So when and if from now on if it crosses yiur mind to call and ask him something or do something nice I want you to ask yourself if he would do the same for you? Answer is no. So don't do anything for him that he is t willing to reciprocate.

AnvilheadII

I know he is unhappy and miserable.


mmm, no you don't KNOW that. you are projecting what YOU think he MUST be feeling. and as you are coming to realize, you don't KNOW Him at all. except that he has anger issues, and takes out his anger ON you, verbally and physically. and as long as you keep waltzing thru the firing range, you are going to get hit.

leave that wretched man to his own devices. quit trying to TALK to him....he doesn't have the capacity for calm rational discussions WITH YOU. stay away, Emmy. it scares me when you say that he has been "nice" to you lately....please don't fall into the trap.

Butterfly

Emmy I constantly questioned my AH but that was because HE destroyed any trust I had in him and when he went out I would worry he wouldn't come back. His attitude towards you and his attempts to blame you are so wrong. None of this is your fault don't accept him trying to blame you. Maybe had has a better relationship with the kids as he doesn't have the daily demands being a father has and he couldn't cope when he was at home maybe that was why he was stressed!! Again his reaction to situations is his responsibility. You are not responsible for his current situation HE IS. When he becomes abusive/nasty end the call and don't feel guilty then go and do something nice for yourself a walk or a bath watch a movie that you enjoy anything to help you feel better about you.

You are doing so well and have made so many positive steps forward in your recovery keep going taking one day at a time.

m1k3

Thank you for answering. The reason I asked was I wanted to see what you said before my next post.

For me, I was stuck in a relationship with an alcoholic wife. It was just so hard to admit it was over, that I was getting NOTHING out of it.

Then I read a quote about how much harder it is for the person who put the most into a relationship to end it because they had the most to loose. I had invested so much of myself in this marriage and it hurt to think I was throwing something special away. But the reality was the only person who thought it was special was me.

Please take care of yourself and your children. You are worth it.

((((hugs))))

Your friend,

Blossom717

Redatlanta you are so right! This made me just think about my situation. ABF only does things nice for me after he's gone overboard on a binge and gotten verbally abusive or is about to.

EmmyG

Ack, thank you Mike. That rings to true to me. I often ask myself "Why?? Why do I keep trying to squeeze love out of this man when I know I'm the only one trying?" Feeling like something must be wrong with me to keep clinging to the marriage like some kind of martyr. I just accepted the bare minimum for so long and my expectations got lower and lower. I was happy just to get a hug once in awhile. He would always tell me how beautiful I am but then when we'd be sitting on the couch or something and I tried to hold his hand he'd say "I'm just not in the right frame of mind right now to be lovey."
Or when we'd go somewhere, like to a wedding, he'd say "I can't believe you're my wife you're so beautiful." But he didn't TREAT me that way. It was always, and still is, about him. Yuck.

EmmyG

Yes! I'm going to try this effective immediately.

LoveMeNow

I was asked over and over again "what are you getting out of this". My response was similar to yours. Truth was, I was getting something out of it. I just took some hard work to figure it out.

Are you seeing a therapist yet? Have you read codependent no more?

hopeful4

As you said, others make you feel loved and safe. If you don't feel that way with him, it is telling you something. Don't forget the misery he put you through, you were never safe with him.

XXX

isitme

This really resonates with me. After 10 years with my AH I figured out a few months ago that this is my biggest problem. Everyone thinks I have self esteem issues and what not, and I do.. but in reality (as I have now told AH and many of my friends, co-workers and family) He's the ONLY person in my life I spend time with that doesn't make me feel good about myself.

Emmy.. If he is that person for you, I'd try to spend as much time around the people who DO make you feel good about you. You'll gain confidence quicker and even if you don't, they won't make you feel bad about it.

(((hugs)))