i wish it was called love and basketball instead
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1
i wish it was called love and basketball instead
After over two years of using every single day - i have been trying for MONTHS to quit...
it started with vicodin occasionally, then moved to percocet while working my bartending shifts; then to 30 mg roxys on busy days and deadlines at work - never more than 3 a day, but still the ultimate hell to stop using. My bank account depleted, and my habit got worse. I told myself i would stop using when I got married, but that didn't happen - i got worse as my marriage failed. this wasn't for pain management, or something i needed, it was a recreational "crutch" that i thought made me a more productive and socially apt person. sometimes i still think that. romanticism is an often emotion of an addict..anything can trigger those feelings of nostalgia of when you were high. a park, a highway, a movie, your office - when you notice your office is added to that list; its time to stop.
I had stopped for a month last summer, and was doing well - but dabbling occasionally..I ended up hanging out with an old friend I hadn't seen in years and we touched upon the subject and realized we had both shared the same addiction..this bonded us; we started hanging out alot - SOBER- and eventually we started dating. Things were amazing, and going perfect - until we decided to "get high one time together" .. one time turned into twice a week, then on weekends, then to get through the workday. The typical downward spiral. He wasn't working so I'd support his habit and when he was working he' d support mine...needless to say this racked up quite a hefty debt on his side.. finances drove a wedge in our relationship, lies about using lead to mistrust and snooping - WHAT A MESS. Every time we'd try to stop one of us would falter and enable the other, or we'd intend to stop and couldn't find suboxone, or worse yet we'd lose the suboxone we had. Sick. Sad. Sick & sad. I think since we've met (8 months ago) I've probably done suboxone/subutex about 10xs at a week each (broken up in between uses.); while before that I had used it ONCE to stop in the month I was clean.
We finally decided that if we wanted to succeed and become the great couple we knew we were destined to be we had to stop. We never thought this could happen to us. not one single addict does. This is STILL the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's ruined everything. I don't even remember what it feels like to be normal.
The Friday before last was when we last used, I then used again one 30mg on Tuesday...i finished my suboxone this past saturday (2mg a day on sat, sun, mon, thurs, fri, sat) .. So i haven't taken anything since Saturday evening... but out of nowhere yesterday I got the most intense RLS, I barely slept last night, and was up since 8am - its now 4:15am and I'm still awake - this is night three of no sleep. I cant tell if this is from the opiate wd (after 8 days?!) or maybe since i was taking suboxone on and off for so long i am experiencing wd from that? Otherwise I feel fine except for the sluggishness and an occasional sneeze. It's when im sitting i go crazy; but I'm too tired to actually get up and DO anything.
I tried everything to sleep, 5htp, tylenol, california poppy, melatonin, valerian, soap under the covers, - I was literally rocking sitting up. So extremely tired but I cant stop kicking and moving. I caved, I called my dealer and she left me one - and i just took a quarter so I can sleep. I justified myself by saying it was not opiate wd, but suboxone wd and I'd be ok.. now I'm just scared i am going to go back to day one. It was a bad decision. my boyfriend had trouble sleeping last night & we were both LETHARGIC today..but tonight after i gave him some of the california poppy he is OUT. I have to be honest and tell him about this i know - but I am scared he will get mad..I am also not wanting him to cave so I am debating keeping it to myself..It's not that he is worse than me - it's just that he handles it balls to the wall. He'd spend his last couple bucks on a pill where as I wouldn't get it if I didn't have the extra money. I'm worried he will now want to do it, and it will be my fault..
i think posting here may help me get out some of my emotions and get some feedback or banter. It's hard for us to talk about it because we know that the talking leads to romanticism and then boom were back at step one. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, i want this to work..and i know that I can beat this, but its times like right now that i just feel helpless.
Any advice or commentary is welcome..
Is the Wd from opiates or sub? Should I tell him? Am I going back to day 1?
...more tomorrow!
i am FINALLY going to go to get some GLORIOUS sleep.
it started with vicodin occasionally, then moved to percocet while working my bartending shifts; then to 30 mg roxys on busy days and deadlines at work - never more than 3 a day, but still the ultimate hell to stop using. My bank account depleted, and my habit got worse. I told myself i would stop using when I got married, but that didn't happen - i got worse as my marriage failed. this wasn't for pain management, or something i needed, it was a recreational "crutch" that i thought made me a more productive and socially apt person. sometimes i still think that. romanticism is an often emotion of an addict..anything can trigger those feelings of nostalgia of when you were high. a park, a highway, a movie, your office - when you notice your office is added to that list; its time to stop.
I had stopped for a month last summer, and was doing well - but dabbling occasionally..I ended up hanging out with an old friend I hadn't seen in years and we touched upon the subject and realized we had both shared the same addiction..this bonded us; we started hanging out alot - SOBER- and eventually we started dating. Things were amazing, and going perfect - until we decided to "get high one time together" .. one time turned into twice a week, then on weekends, then to get through the workday. The typical downward spiral. He wasn't working so I'd support his habit and when he was working he' d support mine...needless to say this racked up quite a hefty debt on his side.. finances drove a wedge in our relationship, lies about using lead to mistrust and snooping - WHAT A MESS. Every time we'd try to stop one of us would falter and enable the other, or we'd intend to stop and couldn't find suboxone, or worse yet we'd lose the suboxone we had. Sick. Sad. Sick & sad. I think since we've met (8 months ago) I've probably done suboxone/subutex about 10xs at a week each (broken up in between uses.); while before that I had used it ONCE to stop in the month I was clean.
We finally decided that if we wanted to succeed and become the great couple we knew we were destined to be we had to stop. We never thought this could happen to us. not one single addict does. This is STILL the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. It's ruined everything. I don't even remember what it feels like to be normal.
The Friday before last was when we last used, I then used again one 30mg on Tuesday...i finished my suboxone this past saturday (2mg a day on sat, sun, mon, thurs, fri, sat) .. So i haven't taken anything since Saturday evening... but out of nowhere yesterday I got the most intense RLS, I barely slept last night, and was up since 8am - its now 4:15am and I'm still awake - this is night three of no sleep. I cant tell if this is from the opiate wd (after 8 days?!) or maybe since i was taking suboxone on and off for so long i am experiencing wd from that? Otherwise I feel fine except for the sluggishness and an occasional sneeze. It's when im sitting i go crazy; but I'm too tired to actually get up and DO anything.
I tried everything to sleep, 5htp, tylenol, california poppy, melatonin, valerian, soap under the covers, - I was literally rocking sitting up. So extremely tired but I cant stop kicking and moving. I caved, I called my dealer and she left me one - and i just took a quarter so I can sleep. I justified myself by saying it was not opiate wd, but suboxone wd and I'd be ok.. now I'm just scared i am going to go back to day one. It was a bad decision. my boyfriend had trouble sleeping last night & we were both LETHARGIC today..but tonight after i gave him some of the california poppy he is OUT. I have to be honest and tell him about this i know - but I am scared he will get mad..I am also not wanting him to cave so I am debating keeping it to myself..It's not that he is worse than me - it's just that he handles it balls to the wall. He'd spend his last couple bucks on a pill where as I wouldn't get it if I didn't have the extra money. I'm worried he will now want to do it, and it will be my fault..
i think posting here may help me get out some of my emotions and get some feedback or banter. It's hard for us to talk about it because we know that the talking leads to romanticism and then boom were back at step one. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, i want this to work..and i know that I can beat this, but its times like right now that i just feel helpless.
Any advice or commentary is welcome..
Is the Wd from opiates or sub? Should I tell him? Am I going back to day 1?
...more tomorrow!
i am FINALLY going to go to get some GLORIOUS sleep.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 473
Hiya and welcome.
I would speak to a doctor about whether or not this is wd as everyone is different and they would be able to guide you in a more detailed and safer way than us.
It sounds like you have been tapering yourself off the drugs. I personally wouldn't keep going back to them as once you've started wd I would rather go through it horribly once then going over it again and again.
You sound like you love your partner a lot but I do believe you really need to support each other and having an addict supporting an addict can be so difficult.
Good luck with everything we are all rooting for u xxx
I would speak to a doctor about whether or not this is wd as everyone is different and they would be able to guide you in a more detailed and safer way than us.
It sounds like you have been tapering yourself off the drugs. I personally wouldn't keep going back to them as once you've started wd I would rather go through it horribly once then going over it again and again.
You sound like you love your partner a lot but I do believe you really need to support each other and having an addict supporting an addict can be so difficult.
Good luck with everything we are all rooting for u xxx
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to SR. Quitting is a struggle, I know.
Posting to the newcomers forum is fine, but we have a specific one for substance abuse with other folks going through the same thing as you:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
My recommendation would be to not try this on your own and seek face to face support.
Posting to the newcomers forum is fine, but we have a specific one for substance abuse with other folks going through the same thing as you:
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
My recommendation would be to not try this on your own and seek face to face support.
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