christinastar10

Hello,

So xabf is trying to convince me he is a changed person. Honestly I'm not sure why. I've haven't responded back to him. These are some of the emails he wrote.

"Ive made changes in my life and I know you may not see them now because of things we have went through but hopefully one day you will."

"I pray for you and our son every night."

"Hopefully one day we will be able to talk and you can see the things I've done to better myself."

I try not to understand his way of thinking since I know he drinking again.

LadyinBC

I use to say lots of things to my daughter to convince her that I was "changing". It was basically hogwash, it was just to appease her until she would cool off and I could go back to drinking.

We can say anything we want to anyone. It is our actions that show that we are changing.

Is he still drinking or do you think he will drink again? How long has he been sober?

Hawkeye13

How abut NC except for issues related to your son?

This is unnecessary stress for you, especially since you know he's lying.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this quacking

MsPINKAcres

For me, I have learned not only in dealing with someone who is affected by the disease of alcoholism/addiction but also for almost all folks - it is healthiest for me to base my decisions on people's actions not on their words or best intentions.

It's just what keeps me healthy, happy & serene.

Take good care of you!

pink hugs

hopeful4

You said it, it's just quacking. Delete.

My XAH still quacks away too. I don't pay any attention, he still drinks. He is still the same person.

Be strong.

christinastar10

Hello LadyinBC,

He got out of a 8 week inpatient program. 5 days after he was released he started drinking again. He's been at our local bars every chance he can get. I know this through a mutual friend who was at a bar with him.

Bullfrog

Actions, not words.

LadyinBC

I am sorry to hear this. He obviously isn't ready to give it up yet. Looks like he is trying to manipulate you.

Stay strong and be good to yourself. Make you and your son the #1 priority.

christinastar10

That's exactly what he is trying to do. He knows he's not allowed to email me or call me unless its important. But he will still call. I never pick up. For the emails, I don't respond to especially if he is asking about our son late at night. He can ask about our son during the day but never does.

Bullfrog

Mine does the same thing: I get these huge long quacking texts about the kids at 3am.

christinastar10

Hi Hawkeye,

With having NC with him. I notice he starts reaching out to me more and more. He asks about our sons day around 11pm. Which I'm already asleep so I don't respond. If he ask about our son during the day. I have no problem telling him anything. But it's rare that I hear from him during the day.

christinastar10

MsPink,

I'm exactly the same way as well. I base everything on actions for everyone.

dandylion

Christina--you ask: "when does the quacking stop?"

It will stop when he stops THINKING like an alcoholic. Sobriety is more than not just stopping the consumption of alcohol----it is learning to think a different way....which leads to a change in attitudes...which leads, finally, to a change is behavior.

You will know it when you see it...when or if that ever happens.

dandylion

mfanch

The quacking stops when both parties change.

Whether they stay together or not is superfluous. It is about identifying the causes and conditions related to why we act the way we do and then doing something about them. Both people.

So when people ask me, "when, what, why, etc" questions about their SO, I ask them what they are doing today to change themselves.

My SO and I are both in recovery from addiction and codependency. When did my SO quit quacking? When I focused on myself and had a personality change based on my work. I started my work first. So his quacking became mute when I changed my ears and how I listened and responded.

FireSprite

The quacking stops when True Recovery is embraced. When someone undergoes that kind of a fundamental shift in their mindset there is no longer any need to quack. At that point, their actions speak louder than their words anyway. (((HUGS)))

And I mean this for both sides of the fence here - we Codies quack as loudly & as irrationally as our qualifiers sometimes.

Hawkeye13

How about you text him a message which says he can only contact you about your son between X time and Y time each day, and that any other contact will be documented and reported as harassment.

You have your son at night all the time, right? So he has no reason to contact you. Tell him you will file a complaint if this continues and back it up.

There is no reason for you to live like this.

neferkamichael

Christina, does he sound like this.

http://static1.grsites.com/archive/s...animals039.wav

christinastar10

Hawkeye,

I've given him times to contact me and was not a problem when he was sober. But now that he is drinking. He does what he wants. Just by his behavior I know he is drinking. Same thing happened right before his last relapse.

m1k3

When does the quacking stop? Based on my experience with my stbxAW, never. I left her 3 years ago and I am finally starting divorce proceedings. She says she hasn't had anything to drink for almost 3 years but the message was always the same. What has helped a lot for me was to block her number. We now only communicate through email and once the divorce is over I have no plans to ever talk to her again in any way, shape or form.

Your friend,

POAndrea

Maybe I'm pessimistic, but I don't believe they ever stop quacking. For myself, I just stopped hearing it (my husband is about a half-year sober and other family members three, two, and 25 years). I check back in every once in a while to see if there've been any changes, and if it has anything to do with anything other than children, Himself's physical health, or the household I tune it out again. At first I thought it would be very isolating, but I'm getting halfway good at it and learned it weeds out the unnecessary drama and allows me to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with the sober and healthy(er) people in my life.