I Need to Understand
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Laguna Beach, CA
Posts: 5
I Need to Understand
So, this is my first post to this site. I've been quietly monitoring it for the past few months and thought, perhaps, I can seek additional answers here.
I was in a relationship with an addict for a year, unbeknownst to me for most of the time we were together. First, there were lies - about stupid, little things. Then bigger things. Then, I found paraphernalia and he insisted (despite his past with substance abuse) that it was a "one time thing." But, I kept finding things.
Now, granted, I found both hidden paraphernalia and information through unconventional means - I broke into emails, phone, social media and luggage. And yes, I lied to him initially about how I found things out.
As time went on, he would sometimes say he had a problem and then change his tune a few days later. He insisted that he was sober for "most" of our relationship, but…I'd beg to differ.
Once he moved in with me, I noticed major mood swings. Major. That was probably the time he was most sober because by then, I had him under a microscope.
All the red flags were there - spotty job history, bill collectors calling incessantly, two DUIs and no driver license…but I thought I could sustain and "help" him in both continuing to be sober and in straightening out his life. He became more of a project than a partner - I was carrying the weight of the relationship hands down.
But, I loved him and I wanted to help him.
There's a chance he's bipolar - he was diagnosed in his late teens - which certainly didn't help matters. Without going into ALL of the down and dirty details, we crashed and burned as a couple.
Since then, I've been trying to understand his behavior as a possible addict. But more so, why he hates me? He absolutely cannot stand me despite my emotional and financial assistance. He blames the demise of the relationship on me and MY actions, many of which were a little over the top but not harmful to anyone in any way. He drove me out of my mind with all the lies and hidden pieces of information about himself - what did he expect me to do, sit back and be fine with HIS behavior?
I've learned that you can't fix people - they have to want to fix themselves, even if they are asking for help (which he did). What I can't understand is the level of hate that he has spewed at me - telling me I'm a terrible person and the cause of all of our problems.
Will this ever change? Is this normal? I don't hate him. I can't love him anymore, but I'll never hate him. But how did he flip the switch so easily - from love to hate? I thought we were planning a future together and now…I feel like someone died.
My apologies for rambling, but any insight would be greatly appreciated.
I was in a relationship with an addict for a year, unbeknownst to me for most of the time we were together. First, there were lies - about stupid, little things. Then bigger things. Then, I found paraphernalia and he insisted (despite his past with substance abuse) that it was a "one time thing." But, I kept finding things.
Now, granted, I found both hidden paraphernalia and information through unconventional means - I broke into emails, phone, social media and luggage. And yes, I lied to him initially about how I found things out.
As time went on, he would sometimes say he had a problem and then change his tune a few days later. He insisted that he was sober for "most" of our relationship, but…I'd beg to differ.
Once he moved in with me, I noticed major mood swings. Major. That was probably the time he was most sober because by then, I had him under a microscope.
All the red flags were there - spotty job history, bill collectors calling incessantly, two DUIs and no driver license…but I thought I could sustain and "help" him in both continuing to be sober and in straightening out his life. He became more of a project than a partner - I was carrying the weight of the relationship hands down.
But, I loved him and I wanted to help him.
There's a chance he's bipolar - he was diagnosed in his late teens - which certainly didn't help matters. Without going into ALL of the down and dirty details, we crashed and burned as a couple.
Since then, I've been trying to understand his behavior as a possible addict. But more so, why he hates me? He absolutely cannot stand me despite my emotional and financial assistance. He blames the demise of the relationship on me and MY actions, many of which were a little over the top but not harmful to anyone in any way. He drove me out of my mind with all the lies and hidden pieces of information about himself - what did he expect me to do, sit back and be fine with HIS behavior?
I've learned that you can't fix people - they have to want to fix themselves, even if they are asking for help (which he did). What I can't understand is the level of hate that he has spewed at me - telling me I'm a terrible person and the cause of all of our problems.
Will this ever change? Is this normal? I don't hate him. I can't love him anymore, but I'll never hate him. But how did he flip the switch so easily - from love to hate? I thought we were planning a future together and now…I feel like someone died.
My apologies for rambling, but any insight would be greatly appreciated.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey lagunagirl!! Welcome to the Forum!! 
The common denominator in his behaviour is addiction, the nature of addiction is nothing will stand in a person's way in order to fuel their addiction, this would account for the spiral and web of lies to conceal his actions, the reason for the lies? they are the path of least resistance, an addict can have an easy stressful life if there is no one to answer to over their actions, so why not lie about them.
In addition as you say, you tried to fix him, in the addict's mind that is getting in the way of his addiction, that can lead to feelings of resentment, the addict can't just do what they want without questions and accountability at every corner.
In a nutshell, an addict will fuel their addiction at any cost, and should anyone get in the way of that addiction, irrational blame and resentment can be fuelled!!
An addict's mind can be a very irrational place, if he ever sorts out his addiction you'll probably see a different person!!
The common denominator in his behaviour is addiction, the nature of addiction is nothing will stand in a person's way in order to fuel their addiction, this would account for the spiral and web of lies to conceal his actions, the reason for the lies? they are the path of least resistance, an addict can have an easy stressful life if there is no one to answer to over their actions, so why not lie about them.
In addition as you say, you tried to fix him, in the addict's mind that is getting in the way of his addiction, that can lead to feelings of resentment, the addict can't just do what they want without questions and accountability at every corner.
In a nutshell, an addict will fuel their addiction at any cost, and should anyone get in the way of that addiction, irrational blame and resentment can be fuelled!!
An addict's mind can be a very irrational place, if he ever sorts out his addiction you'll probably see a different person!!
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Laguna Beach, CA
Posts: 5
Thank you.
While my (semi) rational mind understands this - will it ever stop? Will he ever realize that I tried to help him and not hurt him, or us? Am I supposed to simply write off a year of my life and all the memories I thought were positive during that time? I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with this.
While my (semi) rational mind understands this - will it ever stop? Will he ever realize that I tried to help him and not hurt him, or us? Am I supposed to simply write off a year of my life and all the memories I thought were positive during that time? I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with this.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Welcome Laguna. Unfortunately you probably will never understand as the mind of an addict is a murky place. Most likely he doesn't even fully understand what's going on if he's still using.
The hate, denial and lying is almost purely fueled by the addicts need to protect their usage at all costs. Until they realize their addiction and seek help, they will literally do anything, at the expense of anyone to keep using. Some literally lose their lives.
The best thing to do is seek help for yourself. There is certainly hope that he will someday truly decide to quit and do it, but you cannot control it.
SR also has a forum for friends and family of addicts - you could probably learn a lot there about how others in similar situations to your take care of themselves and deal with this horrible thing we know as addiction.
The hate, denial and lying is almost purely fueled by the addicts need to protect their usage at all costs. Until they realize their addiction and seek help, they will literally do anything, at the expense of anyone to keep using. Some literally lose their lives.
The best thing to do is seek help for yourself. There is certainly hope that he will someday truly decide to quit and do it, but you cannot control it.
SR also has a forum for friends and family of addicts - you could probably learn a lot there about how others in similar situations to your take care of themselves and deal with this horrible thing we know as addiction.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Originally Posted by lagunagirl 
While my (semi) rational mind understands this - will it ever stop? Will he ever realize that I tried to help him and not hurt him, or us? Am I supposed to simply write off a year of my life and all the memories I thought were positive during that time? I'm having a really hard time coming to terms with this.
In my experience, 1 year is probably easier to deal with than 27 years of marriage, my parents were married for 27 years before being divorced, my dad was an alcoholic, addiction ruined it in the end, and the story reads very similar to your frustrations.
I know it's still not easy to deal with, but you got out early with very little consequence compared to how much worse it could have been.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Laguna Beach, CA
Posts: 5
Thank you.
Was it normal for him to go back and forth between saying he wanted help and all is fine/he doesn't need help? I have a hard time viewing him as what I would consider an "addict." He was generally pretty normal, until I started uncovering things.
I don't know if he's still using. It's not my problem anymore, I realize. And I can't help or fix him, I understand that, too. I've been taking care of me, but I've come to the realization that in order to put this to bed ... I need to understand that murky mind. I can honestly say I've never had someone hate me on this level, especially after doing all I did (he'd, at this point, probably say he's indifferent to me to hurt me even more).
Was it normal for him to go back and forth between saying he wanted help and all is fine/he doesn't need help? I have a hard time viewing him as what I would consider an "addict." He was generally pretty normal, until I started uncovering things.
I don't know if he's still using. It's not my problem anymore, I realize. And I can't help or fix him, I understand that, too. I've been taking care of me, but I've come to the realization that in order to put this to bed ... I need to understand that murky mind. I can honestly say I've never had someone hate me on this level, especially after doing all I did (he'd, at this point, probably say he's indifferent to me to hurt me even more).
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
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First of all welcome.
Let me introduce myself. I have currently re-entered recovery. I am an addict. I struggle with problems with alcohol, food, cigarettes, ....and
da da da da....love addiction.
Sobriety is the passage with which I can best deal with all of the above. Recovery is where I work on ....me.
I'm gonna got out on a limb here and say....you too ...are showing signs of love addiction:
Sign 1.
I was in a relationship with an addict for a year, unbeknownst to me for most of the time we were together. First, there were lies
Sign 2.
I broke into emails, phone, social media and luggage. And yes, I lied to him initially about how I found things out.
Sign 3.
All the red flags were there - spotty job history, bill collectors calling incessantly, two DUIs and no driver license…but I thought I could sustain and "help" him in both continuing to be sober and in straightening out his life. He became more of a project than a partner - I was carrying the weight of the relationship hands down.
Sign 4.
"Since then, I've been trying to understand his behavior"
With respect to the latter.... you need to start looking at and understanding your own.
Why would you want to be with someone you have to "fix"?
That is co-dependence my darling...and it also lies under the addiction spectrum.
I, myself am still struggling with trying to extricate myself from a very toxic relationship. He is an addict. He has been diagnosed bi-polar...and I strongly, strongly suspect..."borderline personality disorder".
He is also one of my "addictions". Engaging in that addiction makes my life "unmanageable". That relationship SUCKS all my energy and leaves no time for me to work on me.
That is both the problem...and the attraction.
It is incredibly complex.
The two of you are flip sides of the same coin.
You need to extricate yourself from the addiction that is him. It is difficult. Believe me ...I know.
I would strongly suggest you start seeking information yourself on love/relationship addiction. Seek support for yourself. Start looking at you....start trying to fix you...not him.
Let me introduce myself. I have currently re-entered recovery. I am an addict. I struggle with problems with alcohol, food, cigarettes, ....and
da da da da....love addiction.
Sobriety is the passage with which I can best deal with all of the above. Recovery is where I work on ....me.
I'm gonna got out on a limb here and say....you too ...are showing signs of love addiction:
Sign 1.
I was in a relationship with an addict for a year, unbeknownst to me for most of the time we were together. First, there were lies
Sign 2.
I broke into emails, phone, social media and luggage. And yes, I lied to him initially about how I found things out.
Sign 3.
All the red flags were there - spotty job history, bill collectors calling incessantly, two DUIs and no driver license…but I thought I could sustain and "help" him in both continuing to be sober and in straightening out his life. He became more of a project than a partner - I was carrying the weight of the relationship hands down.
Sign 4.
"Since then, I've been trying to understand his behavior"
With respect to the latter.... you need to start looking at and understanding your own.
Why would you want to be with someone you have to "fix"?
That is co-dependence my darling...and it also lies under the addiction spectrum.
I, myself am still struggling with trying to extricate myself from a very toxic relationship. He is an addict. He has been diagnosed bi-polar...and I strongly, strongly suspect..."borderline personality disorder".
He is also one of my "addictions". Engaging in that addiction makes my life "unmanageable". That relationship SUCKS all my energy and leaves no time for me to work on me.
That is both the problem...and the attraction.
It is incredibly complex.
The two of you are flip sides of the same coin.
You need to extricate yourself from the addiction that is him. It is difficult. Believe me ...I know.
I would strongly suggest you start seeking information yourself on love/relationship addiction. Seek support for yourself. Start looking at you....start trying to fix you...not him.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Laguna Beach, CA
Posts: 5
Thank you.
I attend Al Anon meetings and therapy currently. Through those, I've been able to determine I'm "situationally codependent." This isn't MY pattern - I usually walk away from something I suspect is bad for me or that I have to fix. But with him, I didn't. I stuck by him and tried to make us work.
Yes, I'll agree, I obviously have some level of addiction toward him. I don't know why? I know I'm better off.
I'm working on me in ways I never thought I would and it helps. Through that work, I also seek to understand how someone in an active addiction or a "sometimes addiction" can act like this - toward someone, in life, etc. I understand he has a problem, to whatever the extent that is - but how did I get so blinded to WANT to remain in something I felt I needed to fix?
I attend Al Anon meetings and therapy currently. Through those, I've been able to determine I'm "situationally codependent." This isn't MY pattern - I usually walk away from something I suspect is bad for me or that I have to fix. But with him, I didn't. I stuck by him and tried to make us work.
Yes, I'll agree, I obviously have some level of addiction toward him. I don't know why? I know I'm better off.
I'm working on me in ways I never thought I would and it helps. Through that work, I also seek to understand how someone in an active addiction or a "sometimes addiction" can act like this - toward someone, in life, etc. I understand he has a problem, to whatever the extent that is - but how did I get so blinded to WANT to remain in something I felt I needed to fix?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
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Originally Posted by lagunagirl
Was it normal for him to go back and forth between saying he wanted help and all is fine/he doesn't need help?
Originally Posted by lagunagirl
I have a hard time viewing him as what I would consider an "addict." He was generally pretty normal, until I started uncovering things.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by lagunagirl
- but how did I get so blinded to WANT to remain in something I felt I needed to fix?
I really, really thought I could love him better. I was likely a year into it before I realized "WTH?? How arrogant is that...I struggle to take care of my own self let alone anyone else!".
It is so very difficult to discern between our inherent nurturing nature and want of love....those are admirable things right?
I caught mine lying really, really early on as well. That should have been the big, blaring exit signpost right there.
But it wasn't.
It gets all caught up and confused between loving feelings and dysfunctional feelings.
But I think whenever we find ourselves in a position of wanting to "fix" someone...we are in toxic, unhealthy waters.
We should want to be with people who add to our lives...compliment our lives...not take up all our energy and concern and peace.
You're a good person. You just got mixed up in a sick situation. Unfortunately, when we stay in a sick situation...we get sick right along with it.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by lagunagirl
I also seek to understand how someone in an active addiction or a "sometimes addiction" can act like this - toward someone, in life, etc. I understand he has a problem, to whatever the extent that is - but how did I get so blinded to WANT to remain in something I felt I needed to fix?
You in a sense are seeking to know the unknowable like most addicts...and that quest ( with no probable solution ) is causing you a lot of problems. I hope you can find a way to accept this and move on.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by lagunagirl
I broke into emails, phone, social media and luggage. And yes, I lied to him initially about how I found things out.
. . .
why he hates me? He absolutely cannot stand me despite my emotional and financial assistance. He blames the demise of the relationship on me and MY actions
. . .
why he hates me? He absolutely cannot stand me despite my emotional and financial assistance. He blames the demise of the relationship on me and MY actions
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 122
Hello Everyone,
Welcome Lagunagirl. This series of posts is fantastic, there is a lot of wisdom here. I walk both sides of the street, I am an alcoholic and co-dependent. I have been in a long term relationship with a woman who is clinically "borderline personality" and it has been the worst roller coaster of my adult life. I have finally ended it, I cannot "fix" her or rescue her, and I need a lot of help myself, especially after going through 5 years of this. I am the addict, but with a person with a mental disorder, there are some very close similarities. I recently woke up myself, after years of pain, and torturing myself. Be glad Lagunagirl that you do only have 1 year into it. Be grateful for the good things, and take the education about yourself, not ever letting yourself get into another situation like this again. I can't thank everyone here enough, because it really helps what I am going through. Again Laguna, welcome, there is a lot of support here.
Welcome Lagunagirl. This series of posts is fantastic, there is a lot of wisdom here. I walk both sides of the street, I am an alcoholic and co-dependent. I have been in a long term relationship with a woman who is clinically "borderline personality" and it has been the worst roller coaster of my adult life. I have finally ended it, I cannot "fix" her or rescue her, and I need a lot of help myself, especially after going through 5 years of this. I am the addict, but with a person with a mental disorder, there are some very close similarities. I recently woke up myself, after years of pain, and torturing myself. Be glad Lagunagirl that you do only have 1 year into it. Be grateful for the good things, and take the education about yourself, not ever letting yourself get into another situation like this again. I can't thank everyone here enough, because it really helps what I am going through. Again Laguna, welcome, there is a lot of support here.
I hope you make this a topic with your therapist and learn to accept it and move on with your life. There is no 'understanding' addiction - it just IS. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Laguna Beach, CA
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Originally Posted by Notmyrealname
People get angry when you break into their emails and cellphones. It's also illegal to do so.
Mr.MeToo?
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: East Coast to the Deep South
Posts: 828
Sounds like you are a bit on the co-dependent side (which you seem to already realize). Its fascinating how often addicts can get paired together with co-dependents. Maybe because nobody else in their right minds would date us? (lol i kid i kid but you've gotta laugh right?)
Gonna echo what a few others have said, check out the friends and family of substance abusers forum. The members there are much better equipped to help and support you.
Gonna echo what a few others have said, check out the friends and family of substance abusers forum. The members there are much better equipped to help and support you.
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