Steps to leaving
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Steps to leaving
So if you've seen some of my previous posts, I'm taking steps towards leaving my ABF.
Some of those steps I've made, most I am working on. I did get copies of our daugther's social security card and birth certificate when he left the safe open while drunk one night. I have documented some of his antics, but that's on going.
I'm searching for prepaid phones on ebay, I'm going to purchase one and give it to my mom to hold for me. My phone is on his parent's plan right now, and I don't expect them to keep paying for it when I move out.
I am still looking for a lawyer to talk to about custody legal advice. I'm having a hard time with that. I don't need someone in court yet, but I would like to know my rights in VA, and his rights before I leave.
He told me I was being distant last night when he stumbled into bed. I am. I'm detaching. I'm staying neutral as best I can. I have a feeling he's drinking liquor again, last night I didn't see him drink much beer but he was drunker than he has been, and he kept finding reasons to go out to his truck. My plan is to leave by September but if I catch him drinking whiskey then I'll leave that same day.
Just an update. If anyone has any suggestions to steps I'm missing or should take, let me know!
Some of those steps I've made, most I am working on. I did get copies of our daugther's social security card and birth certificate when he left the safe open while drunk one night. I have documented some of his antics, but that's on going.
I'm searching for prepaid phones on ebay, I'm going to purchase one and give it to my mom to hold for me. My phone is on his parent's plan right now, and I don't expect them to keep paying for it when I move out.
I am still looking for a lawyer to talk to about custody legal advice. I'm having a hard time with that. I don't need someone in court yet, but I would like to know my rights in VA, and his rights before I leave.
He told me I was being distant last night when he stumbled into bed. I am. I'm detaching. I'm staying neutral as best I can. I have a feeling he's drinking liquor again, last night I didn't see him drink much beer but he was drunker than he has been, and he kept finding reasons to go out to his truck. My plan is to leave by September but if I catch him drinking whiskey then I'll leave that same day.
Just an update. If anyone has any suggestions to steps I'm missing or should take, let me know!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I would say to be serious about documenting. Take anything out of the house that you cannot live without (photos, documents, etc) and keep them in a safe place. Have emergency bags and car keys, etc kept at a safe place. BUILD UP SOME CASH!!! Remove anything that is rightfully yours from any joint accounts you may have and get into a safe place. Try not to be worth a lot on paper. Know his social security number, etc. also.
In this state once you file there is basically a stay issued that you cannot change anything. You cannot remove unnecessary funds from any joint accounts, you cannot change beneficiaries, insurance, none of those type of things. So the goal is, do all you can BEFORE you file.
As you detatch plan for him to notice, big time.
This was all advise from several different attorneys I received before separating. I know you have a timeline, and I did too. However, $hit hit the fan before then. I was prepared and very glad I was.
Good Luck!
XXX
In this state once you file there is basically a stay issued that you cannot change anything. You cannot remove unnecessary funds from any joint accounts, you cannot change beneficiaries, insurance, none of those type of things. So the goal is, do all you can BEFORE you file.
As you detatch plan for him to notice, big time.
This was all advise from several different attorneys I received before separating. I know you have a timeline, and I did too. However, $hit hit the fan before then. I was prepared and very glad I was.
Good Luck!
XXX
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
If you have any reason whatsoever to believe he is violent or has ever been controlling in any way, seek out help from a domestic violence hotline before you attempt to leave. They can hide you and help you cover your tracks so he won't find you or your child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
Posts: 407
A PO box might be helpful; it was was for me, and it is inexpensive. I also opened up a new bank account at a separate bank. If you can use your mother's address as your physical address, then do so. I really had to reach deep to explain why stuff was showing up at my house in spite of the fact that I had specifically asked them not to send any mail there.
I also researched rentals while I waited. Found just the right place as I was getting ready to break the news. This also set my resolve. I pawned some jewelry in order to make the deposits.
And STILL some of my friends are insisting that I will go crawling back. Not!
I also researched rentals while I waited. Found just the right place as I was getting ready to break the news. This also set my resolve. I pawned some jewelry in order to make the deposits.
And STILL some of my friends are insisting that I will go crawling back. Not!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Thanks everyone! Luckily we don't have any joint accounts, and we aren't married. A PO box is a good idea! I used to have one but cancelled it years ago. Any packages I don't want him to see I get sent to my office.
I will pack a bag today or tomorrow to keep in my car, I keep forgetting that one. I would like to take the originals of daughter's birth certificate and ssn card but I don't want him to notice and figure it out. So for now copies will have to do.
Unfortunately I'm strapped with cash, I've been having to borrow money from my mom as it is, but I have enough cash for a tank of gas....sad I know! Once my bills are paid its slim pickins!
Thank you for the tips, I never even thought about a po box
I will pack a bag today or tomorrow to keep in my car, I keep forgetting that one. I would like to take the originals of daughter's birth certificate and ssn card but I don't want him to notice and figure it out. So for now copies will have to do.
Unfortunately I'm strapped with cash, I've been having to borrow money from my mom as it is, but I have enough cash for a tank of gas....sad I know! Once my bills are paid its slim pickins!
Thank you for the tips, I never even thought about a po box
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
yurt - I can't believe your "friends" would suggest you go back! then again....Some of my friends who supposedly understand what i'm gong through have told me that since he's "just" drinking beer (seemingly) that it shouldn't be a big deal.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Take the originals and leave the copies in their place. How closely does he look? Would he examine it? Or just a quick glance to reassure himself that everything was still under his control?
I took the originals of everything. You will need that stuff to register her for school, etc. in the future. I know she's little now, but you really don't want to be depending on him for that stuff in a few years.
Not being married is a tremendous advantage. You can basically just pick up and leave with your child, especially being the mother. I know you want this all to go smoothly, but if I had it to do again I would have left a lot sooner and not diddled around so long trying to be "prepared."
I took the originals of everything. You will need that stuff to register her for school, etc. in the future. I know she's little now, but you really don't want to be depending on him for that stuff in a few years.
Not being married is a tremendous advantage. You can basically just pick up and leave with your child, especially being the mother. I know you want this all to go smoothly, but if I had it to do again I would have left a lot sooner and not diddled around so long trying to be "prepared."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Take the originals and leave the copies in their place. How closely does he look? Would he examine it? Or just a quick glance to reassure himself that everything was still under his control?
I took the originals of everything. You will need that stuff to register her for school, etc. in the future. I know she's little now, but you really don't want to be depending on him for that stuff in a few years.
Not being married is a tremendous advantage. You can basically just pick up and leave with your child, especially being the mother. I know you want this all to go smoothly, but if I had it to do again I would have left a lot sooner and not diddled around so long trying to be "prepared."
I took the originals of everything. You will need that stuff to register her for school, etc. in the future. I know she's little now, but you really don't want to be depending on him for that stuff in a few years.
Not being married is a tremendous advantage. You can basically just pick up and leave with your child, especially being the mother. I know you want this all to go smoothly, but if I had it to do again I would have left a lot sooner and not diddled around so long trying to be "prepared."
Yea I am thankful for not being married to him at this point. His ex wife packed up and left him, took everything in the whole house as a matter of fact. I think I understand why now. I wish I could talk to her! ha.
Leaving sooner is definitely better. I need to make a few more steps this week. I don't know if you experienced this, but I have a gut/anxiety feeling that he's going to show up with a bottle of whiskey this week and I told him that I'm leaving when he does that. So I'm going to stick to my boundary on that. I just have that feeling that something bad is going to happen soon.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Yikes! What control maneuvers! Locking up a ss card and birth cert from the MOTHER.
You sure don't need someone like that.
It sounds like your relationship with your mom is a strong one. That's good you have close family support.
You sure don't need someone like that.
It sounds like your relationship with your mom is a strong one. That's good you have close family support.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Blossom...my gut feeling was so strong the day it happened at my house that on my way home I went and drew out $1k out of our joint account and picked up my kids myself. I just had that feeling, and I was right. It was the day I kicked him out b/c he was wasted when I got home. Horrible. However, your gut feeling is right a lot of times, best to be prepared.
XXX
XXX
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
By the time I left my ex was drinking all day every day. Beer, hard liquor, rubbing alcohol, mouthwash, anything he could get his hands on.
I left due to physical violence (on both our parts) that happened in front of our son.
Your bf is discovering that beer's alcohol content no longer cuts it for him, his tolerance is growing and he is progressing. I will be praying for you and your daughter's safety. Big hugs Blossom.
I left due to physical violence (on both our parts) that happened in front of our son.
Your bf is discovering that beer's alcohol content no longer cuts it for him, his tolerance is growing and he is progressing. I will be praying for you and your daughter's safety. Big hugs Blossom.
Stoic
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Wash D.C.
Posts: 321
If you can get the child's shot/immunization records, get that.
If you have vehicles or property that you own, get the titles for them.
As it's been said here before...anything you can't live without, grab it.
Imagine the home is going to burn to the ground with everything in it...what would you save? That's what you should get...everything else is inconsequential, and it will give you alot of peace-of-mind knowing you don't HAVE to ever go back to the house again to get anything.
If you have vehicles or property that you own, get the titles for them.
As it's been said here before...anything you can't live without, grab it.
Imagine the home is going to burn to the ground with everything in it...what would you save? That's what you should get...everything else is inconsequential, and it will give you alot of peace-of-mind knowing you don't HAVE to ever go back to the house again to get anything.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
I too did all of that. I opened a new bank account at a separate bank than out joint account. I got emergency funds and put them aside just in case. I photocopied all important documentation-birth certificates, marriage licenses, deeds, titles, recent statements from retirement/bank accounts, kids info, tax records,anything I could find in our file cabinet that seemed important.
It felt nice to have a plan ready in case I needed it. Right before I filed, I withdrew more money from our joint account an put it in my account. We are still together pending mediation but at least I have a safety net at anytime if I need to leave right away.
It felt nice to have a plan ready in case I needed it. Right before I filed, I withdrew more money from our joint account an put it in my account. We are still together pending mediation but at least I have a safety net at anytime if I need to leave right away.
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