Help me understand....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 19
Help me understand....
I joined this forum for more than just my own problems.
I am a binge drinker. And I know that is unhealthy and I need to stop. That is my plan. I cannot quite celebrate my "days" per say, as I am not a daily drinker. I shall celebrate my "weeks"! To get through a weekend without being drunk will be my achievement.
Anyway, my post today is not even with regards to myself as such. But my mother. She is an alcoholic. Severe. What I want to know is how can I help her? That is all I have ever wanted to do.
She has been pretty bad since I was young. I used to find her collapsed on the floor etc. Even witnessed her take an over dose.
Anyway, yesterday she had arranged to take my niece after school to something. She normally cancels when she is "unwell", but didnt this time. So my niece went after school and found her collapsed and unable to communicate. Unfortunately, my niece suffers with mutism so is unable to communicate with other adults but managed to get her childminder to come collect her and wrote her a note saying her nana was very unwell and kept rolling her eyes.
This saddens me so much as it is a complete replica of my own childhood and I always promised myself the next generation wouldnt have to witness anything like that.
Please someone help me understand how to save her. How does someone even stay alive with so many years of heavy drinking???
I am a binge drinker. And I know that is unhealthy and I need to stop. That is my plan. I cannot quite celebrate my "days" per say, as I am not a daily drinker. I shall celebrate my "weeks"! To get through a weekend without being drunk will be my achievement.
Anyway, my post today is not even with regards to myself as such. But my mother. She is an alcoholic. Severe. What I want to know is how can I help her? That is all I have ever wanted to do.
She has been pretty bad since I was young. I used to find her collapsed on the floor etc. Even witnessed her take an over dose.
Anyway, yesterday she had arranged to take my niece after school to something. She normally cancels when she is "unwell", but didnt this time. So my niece went after school and found her collapsed and unable to communicate. Unfortunately, my niece suffers with mutism so is unable to communicate with other adults but managed to get her childminder to come collect her and wrote her a note saying her nana was very unwell and kept rolling her eyes.
This saddens me so much as it is a complete replica of my own childhood and I always promised myself the next generation wouldnt have to witness anything like that.
Please someone help me understand how to save her. How does someone even stay alive with so many years of heavy drinking???
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 7
Have you told her how you feel. Do you why she drinks? Unfortunately some people have to some event like a DUI or health problems. If you can convince her to try to stop make sure she sees a doctor for the next step. A lot of the withdrawal can be helped with benzodiazepines.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 19
She has been in rehab 3 times. The 3rd time was the same year as my dad's death and after she crashed the car whilst drunk!! She lost her licence etc.
I have been to therapy sessions with her etc so she is well aware how we feel. She has several excuses for her drinking.
I have been to therapy sessions with her etc so she is well aware how we feel. She has several excuses for her drinking.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I think this is a family crisis. Your mother cannot be trusted with the care of children. Heck, even animals! If it were me in your situation, i believe i would set a specific time aside to speak with my mom. Gather as many family members as are willing to let her know that her alcohol abuse is endangering family members and damaging the family as a whole. I love her, but i cannot love her to death and i cannot endanger anyone else because of her reckless behavior. Alcoholism does not only damage the alcoholic. The entire family suffers from the disease. For her to become a trusted again, she has to get help and change. I don't want to hear excuses or promises. Her words won't convince me. Only actions. The family needs her to ask for help from people who can help her and she should accept it. There are no goals here. No X days sober until she can be trusted with a life again. I just need to see progress. The family can't live in fear anymore. She shouldn't live in fear anymore. Healing needs to take place and healing can start now. I love my mom, but i can't stand by and just watch this anymore. I will do anything to help her get sober but i won't do anything to support her addiction. This means i'm not cleaning up her messes. I'm not going to badger her or check on her constantly. If she doesn't answer my calls, i'm not going over there to check on her. I'll ask the police to do a wellness check and she'll have that to deal with. It's her problem and i have to make it her problem and not mine. I have my own healing to do and i can't heal her. Only she can heal here and all i can do is encourage her and support her healing. I love my mom, but i can't fix her. She's gotta fix herself. I'll be waiting and praying.
.....
This is just me talking about my fictional mom. To be honest, this is sober me talking to using me. I try to think about what would be good for me now. I try to think about what would have been what i needed to hear back then. I hope your mom decides to ask for help from someone who can help her. Rehab, therapy, AA, whatever. She's got to be held accountable for her actions. Sending positive thoughts and peace your way.
.....
This is just me talking about my fictional mom. To be honest, this is sober me talking to using me. I try to think about what would be good for me now. I try to think about what would have been what i needed to hear back then. I hope your mom decides to ask for help from someone who can help her. Rehab, therapy, AA, whatever. She's got to be held accountable for her actions. Sending positive thoughts and peace your way.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Her excuses are just that. There is no valid excuse to drink unless you are medically required to. Until she becomes willing to take the necessary steps to make a total change in her life, she will find that she cannot stop drinking. We drink to deal with the unpleasant and painful feelings caused by what we experience in our lives. We drink to deal with life. When we take away the drink, something else must be there to help us cope. We have to have something. Rehab is not a magic bullet. It's a jump start. Our entire outlook on life has to change and you can't do that by just changing the external factors in your life. Change must come from inside, outside, mentally, physically, spiritually. Every damn think must change.
Don't accept her excuses. Don't accept her apologies. She can wallow in guilt and anger or she can ask for help, accept help and dedicate herself to a life nothing like the one she has known. Is it frightening? Of course! It's the unknown and it's terrifying. But when your only other option is death and being a poison to your family, you go into terror. Change is hard but when everything in your life is effed up, change can be very, very good.
Don't accept her excuses. Don't accept her apologies. She can wallow in guilt and anger or she can ask for help, accept help and dedicate herself to a life nothing like the one she has known. Is it frightening? Of course! It's the unknown and it's terrifying. But when your only other option is death and being a poison to your family, you go into terror. Change is hard but when everything in your life is effed up, change can be very, very good.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 19
Thank you very much. I agree with all of that.
I almost feel like copying and pasting it into an email for her but tbh at this moment I can't bear to contact her.
I only text her earlier to check she was alive. And she is. So I can get on with my day.
Previously when she has not responded I have sent the police + they ended up knocking her door down to find her. They have discovered her slumped at the back of a shop she was managing when she held down a job too.
I'm just tired of it all.
I almost feel like copying and pasting it into an email for her but tbh at this moment I can't bear to contact her.
I only text her earlier to check she was alive. And she is. So I can get on with my day.
Previously when she has not responded I have sent the police + they ended up knocking her door down to find her. They have discovered her slumped at the back of a shop she was managing when she held down a job too.
I'm just tired of it all.
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
I'm so sorry to hear this. I really hope that maybe her understanding that her family doesn't hate her, just hates the result of her disease, will free her to accept change for herself. If I were her, I would think that the guilt of my actions would be a big part of what kept me down. When you feel worthless, it's easy to feel like you can't accept help. That you don't deserve help. That you and everyone else would be better of if you died. And isn't that what advanced alcoholism is? Death by 1000 cuts. Make that 1000 drinks. Slow, painful and sad.
Have you considered checking out the Friends and Family part of the forums. There are people there who have solid advice and more relevant experience than many of us here.
Have you considered checking out the Friends and Family part of the forums. There are people there who have solid advice and more relevant experience than many of us here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
I'm sorry to hear about your mother and I hope that she finds her way to sobriety.
It is extremely difficult to 'help' an alcoholic. Especially one that doesn't want to be helped.
But.... you asked... what could you do?
One thing you could do that may in fact be the best thing you can do, is lead by example. You opened your post with a statement that you are a binge drinker, then you deflected your partial-admission to having a problem with alcohol my moving onto your mother.
Having a parent who is alcoholic, you are already at-risk of alcoholism. Acknowledging you are a binge drinker further demonstrates your risk.
I'm not sure how old you are, how far into your drinking 'career' you are, but I have a sense that this thing is a bigger risk to you than you're sharing.
One thing you can do to help your mother is focus on getting yourself sober and showing her a sober life... being a sober foundation in her life... learning all you can for yourSELF and taking action to live a different path before it gets you too.
Welcome to SR
It is extremely difficult to 'help' an alcoholic. Especially one that doesn't want to be helped.
But.... you asked... what could you do?
One thing you could do that may in fact be the best thing you can do, is lead by example. You opened your post with a statement that you are a binge drinker, then you deflected your partial-admission to having a problem with alcohol my moving onto your mother.
Having a parent who is alcoholic, you are already at-risk of alcoholism. Acknowledging you are a binge drinker further demonstrates your risk.
I'm not sure how old you are, how far into your drinking 'career' you are, but I have a sense that this thing is a bigger risk to you than you're sharing.
One thing you can do to help your mother is focus on getting yourself sober and showing her a sober life... being a sober foundation in her life... learning all you can for yourSELF and taking action to live a different path before it gets you too.
Welcome to SR
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Girl, I am you and I feel hopeless about my mother's situation, as well. But what owl says is true. The good that I am taking from watching my mother's descent is that I have found a good, sober way to live for myself. I am going on nine months sober and I feel stronger and more peaceful than I have probably my whole life. Not turning into my mother, is probably the biggest driving force in my sobriety. Has this changed my mother and her drinking? Not that I know of, but she knows that she can't get drunk around me and my children. I have made very strong boundaries. Like they say in Alanon, we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it. I have surrendered my mom's alcoholism to God. I know that he loves her every bit as much as he loves you and me and your mother. So if I put my trust in Him for my life, I must do the same for all the people I love. xo - I know your pain.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
It's very difficult, my dad died of alcoholism a few years back, and as a child you feel the weight of trying to get a parent to change, but in the end if they don't want to, or in the case of my dad didn't even admit that he had a problem, or his drinking everhurt anyone, then what can anyone do?
A part of me longed for him to change, but it never happened, I had to do something else, make peace with myself and be grateful for the glimpse of a relationship we had whilst he was here, I had to focus on my own life in the end and realise we all make our own decisions, and live our own lives, including my dad.
Over the years I've thought about a lot of things, if the roles were reversed would I have listened to him? when I was younger do children listen to their parents in those rebellious teenager years?
We can hint at and raise the issue, but for me living your own life, seeking support for what you're going through when you need it and hope that maybe a parent changes, if they don't then being able to live at peace will be the next obstacle to deal with. I attended Al-anon, and Alateen when I was much younger, both were great!!
A part of my own journey was becoming Sober myself, not travelling down the same route and at least my Dad's life counted for something at the end if it has inspired me to change myself!!
A part of me longed for him to change, but it never happened, I had to do something else, make peace with myself and be grateful for the glimpse of a relationship we had whilst he was here, I had to focus on my own life in the end and realise we all make our own decisions, and live our own lives, including my dad.
Over the years I've thought about a lot of things, if the roles were reversed would I have listened to him? when I was younger do children listen to their parents in those rebellious teenager years?
We can hint at and raise the issue, but for me living your own life, seeking support for what you're going through when you need it and hope that maybe a parent changes, if they don't then being able to live at peace will be the next obstacle to deal with. I attended Al-anon, and Alateen when I was much younger, both were great!!
A part of my own journey was becoming Sober myself, not travelling down the same route and at least my Dad's life counted for something at the end if it has inspired me to change myself!!
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
i am sure if you look back in time at your mums drinking she might well of only been a binge drinker at the start.
i know i was just a binge drinker at the start but over time ( years ) i started to need the hare of the dog on a monday to help me get rid of the hangover i had from the weekend infact liked the hair of the dog drink so much that i would end up getting drunk on monday as well as the weekend
this would mean i would have to call in sick at work
i would do that for a while until i needed a hare of the dog drink to help me get over my hang over from the weekend plus the now monday drinking
infact i liked the hare of the dog drink so much that i would end up getting drunk on a tuesday as well as monday and the weekend
on and on this goes until one day i am drinking everyday of my life, the job goes the family goes everything i love or care about goes
but not the drink as i need that now more than ever to help me cope with all the things i have lost
isnt it a shame that i just couldnt quit drinking while my only problem was being a weekend binge drinker ? i could of changed my life and made sure those bad things didnt happen to me
but then i guess i thought i was different from all the alcoholics who drank everyday
how sad i ended up becoming one myself even when i was told this would happen to me ?
now all i can do is tell what happend to me and hope others can stop and get the help they will need before its to late
i know i was just a binge drinker at the start but over time ( years ) i started to need the hare of the dog on a monday to help me get rid of the hangover i had from the weekend infact liked the hair of the dog drink so much that i would end up getting drunk on monday as well as the weekend
this would mean i would have to call in sick at work
i would do that for a while until i needed a hare of the dog drink to help me get over my hang over from the weekend plus the now monday drinking
infact i liked the hare of the dog drink so much that i would end up getting drunk on a tuesday as well as monday and the weekend
on and on this goes until one day i am drinking everyday of my life, the job goes the family goes everything i love or care about goes
but not the drink as i need that now more than ever to help me cope with all the things i have lost
isnt it a shame that i just couldnt quit drinking while my only problem was being a weekend binge drinker ? i could of changed my life and made sure those bad things didnt happen to me
but then i guess i thought i was different from all the alcoholics who drank everyday
how sad i ended up becoming one myself even when i was told this would happen to me ?
now all i can do is tell what happend to me and hope others can stop and get the help they will need before its to late
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 19
Thank you everybody. I really appreciate every single response.
I have discussed the issue continuously today with several different people. 1. My husband; he says he sees the issues I do. That I am drunk on most occasions we are out. Seldom as this may be. It just seems to be a lot lately. He is supporting my decision to stay sober although agrees with my point in my earlier post that our holiday abroad will be a struggle with his mother who enjoys drinking with me as she always likes to get rat-arsed too! 2. My sisters. They disagree I have a drink problem. They think my anxiety makes me think I do because its all I think about because of my upbringing. 3. Friends; I went to a bar after weight watchers + 2 of us had juice whilst the other 2 had wine. The fact I didn't have wine wasn't an issue for me. As I prev explained, I don't drink through the week. Only at weekends if there is a function on that I am attending. However had I been one of the ones drinking tonight, I would be disappointed to stop at 1 drink + would prefer if not insist on at least 1 or 2 more. They exchanged stories with me on their drinking habits + admitted they too feel they can't really drink without wanting to get drunk! 4. My 22 yo nephew... I asked how many people he thinks binge drink and he said everyone in this town every fri + sat night!
So is this just the norm???
This is denial setting in. Yet again. Oh geez.
I have discussed the issue continuously today with several different people. 1. My husband; he says he sees the issues I do. That I am drunk on most occasions we are out. Seldom as this may be. It just seems to be a lot lately. He is supporting my decision to stay sober although agrees with my point in my earlier post that our holiday abroad will be a struggle with his mother who enjoys drinking with me as she always likes to get rat-arsed too! 2. My sisters. They disagree I have a drink problem. They think my anxiety makes me think I do because its all I think about because of my upbringing. 3. Friends; I went to a bar after weight watchers + 2 of us had juice whilst the other 2 had wine. The fact I didn't have wine wasn't an issue for me. As I prev explained, I don't drink through the week. Only at weekends if there is a function on that I am attending. However had I been one of the ones drinking tonight, I would be disappointed to stop at 1 drink + would prefer if not insist on at least 1 or 2 more. They exchanged stories with me on their drinking habits + admitted they too feel they can't really drink without wanting to get drunk! 4. My 22 yo nephew... I asked how many people he thinks binge drink and he said everyone in this town every fri + sat night!
So is this just the norm???
This is denial setting in. Yet again. Oh geez.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Please someone help me understand how to save her.
Welcome to the site! I'm glad you joined us.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Girl, no one asked me to quit drinking. My husband didn't necessarily think that I had a problem. He thought I just got carried away. My immediate family did not want me to quit at all. (mostly to justify their drinking) When I quit drinking, I did it more as an experiment. I had given 27 years to drinking, I felt like sobriety deserved a fair shot because I did not like what alcohol was doing to my mother and the moments in my life that I have been least proud of my behavior always involved alcohol. Why not give sobriety a fair chance? Even for people who are not alcoholics, it is better to not drink it than drink it. It is really a poisonous, dangerous substance that isn't good for anybody. Try sobriety for a while. I think you won't believe the benefits!! Also, if you find yourself having a hard time giving it up for a few months or thinking about it a lot (that happened to me), you might come to terms that you are more addicted to it than you think you are.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Edinburgh
Posts: 19
I will thank you. You sound very similar to me. I am definitely giving sobriety a fair chance... no alcohol for at least 7 weeks until this holiday. That's the plan anyway. I hope I can succeed. I will visit here daily from now on though to remind me of why I started this. Thank you.
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
I will chime in here, first, welcome!
I was a binge drinker. I would go for multiple days without drinking and then let 'er rip come Friday night. My partner thought that I just needed to cut back.. Well, I tried to cut back. For years. I had to realize that if I had one, may as well clear the bar out because I wouldn't stop until I was no longer able to physically drink anymore, usually because I would pass out. I'm now 18 moths sober and I never wonder if it was a problem. I can actually clearly see now the trajectory of my drinking.
As for your mom, I don't know that I could add a lot more than displaced grits has said. It sounds like your mom has already had really true consequences that haven't affected her. She shouldn't be around the children of the family, or the adults. She has to have her own realization of how bad it is.
Stay here and keep working on you. You're in a great place.
I was a binge drinker. I would go for multiple days without drinking and then let 'er rip come Friday night. My partner thought that I just needed to cut back.. Well, I tried to cut back. For years. I had to realize that if I had one, may as well clear the bar out because I wouldn't stop until I was no longer able to physically drink anymore, usually because I would pass out. I'm now 18 moths sober and I never wonder if it was a problem. I can actually clearly see now the trajectory of my drinking.
As for your mom, I don't know that I could add a lot more than displaced grits has said. It sounds like your mom has already had really true consequences that haven't affected her. She shouldn't be around the children of the family, or the adults. She has to have her own realization of how bad it is.
Stay here and keep working on you. You're in a great place.
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