Got her out, now what?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
Got her out, now what?
I think it's good for me to post in here to flush these feelings out rather than allowing them to fester and lead to potentially bad choices.
It's been 2 days and I'm feeling a lot of guilt. I packed her up and sent her off with no notice, she had to scramble and is sleeping on a friends couch. She has no savings, no credit, nothing.
She has a car I got for her to drive, but it still has about $9,000 left on the loan. I need to sell the car to rid myself of the debt and liability, but need to buy her something as a daily driver.
I don't have any problem unloading half my house so she can furnish an apartment, but she doesn't have enough money. I was thinking about paying her first few months rent and security deposit to get her started.
It's been 2 days and I'm feeling a lot of guilt. I packed her up and sent her off with no notice, she had to scramble and is sleeping on a friends couch. She has no savings, no credit, nothing.
She has a car I got for her to drive, but it still has about $9,000 left on the loan. I need to sell the car to rid myself of the debt and liability, but need to buy her something as a daily driver.
I don't have any problem unloading half my house so she can furnish an apartment, but she doesn't have enough money. I was thinking about paying her first few months rent and security deposit to get her started.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Here's what I would do - if the car is in your name I would take it back TODAY.
Tough questions - enabling on some level. I would look at what the law would have required. Most states would have required a formal eviction which would be anywhere from 30 - 60 days. I may be willing to cover a deposit and rent equal to what she gave you by vacating immediately. Not one penny more.
Tough questions - enabling on some level. I would look at what the law would have required. Most states would have required a formal eviction which would be anywhere from 30 - 60 days. I may be willing to cover a deposit and rent equal to what she gave you by vacating immediately. Not one penny more.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Letting go is a process, not a singular event.
The more you do for her, the more you deprive her of the opportunity and dignity to learn to stand on her own two feet. The more you do for her, the more enmeshed you stay.
People split up. They learn to deal with it. I guarantee she isn't wasting a moment feeling guilty about all her extramarital flirtations or for taking back her bill-money so she can stay out all night at a bachelorette party.
Keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and heal from all the drama you have been dealing with. Let her worry about her. She's gonna be fine.
The more you do for her, the more you deprive her of the opportunity and dignity to learn to stand on her own two feet. The more you do for her, the more enmeshed you stay.
People split up. They learn to deal with it. I guarantee she isn't wasting a moment feeling guilty about all her extramarital flirtations or for taking back her bill-money so she can stay out all night at a bachelorette party.
Keep doing what you need to do to take care of yourself and heal from all the drama you have been dealing with. Let her worry about her. She's gonna be fine.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Not sure why you feel you have to buy her a car. Would be safer for the rest of the world if she wasn't driving. She needs to save up her money and purchase for herself. People can exist without one.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Stop feeling guilty. She caused this 100% herself. She would have money if she had not pi$$ed it away on booze and partying. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER. SET YOURSELF FREE OF HER.
She is perfectly capable of getting a job and making a living for herself. She is not a child even if she acts like one.
I agree with redatlanta above, if you are going to do something, make it clear in the beginning what that will be, do it, and not one cent more. And do it at once so you don't have to keep communication open. And get the car, now. If she wrecks and you are on the title guess who has liability? That's right, you.
When my X left he had his family and everyone else feeling so sorry for him. Guess what, boo hoo. I spend thousands of my own hard earned money bailing him out of financial mess due to his addiction. He can consider that his settlement. I kept our house and almost everything in it. He gets mad b/c I have some family money he has no access too. Too bad.
He knew what he was getting into when he continued down the road he chose. I warned him and warned him, just as you have done. If they don't listen, they don't listen. We cannot make them.
LET HER GO
She is perfectly capable of getting a job and making a living for herself. She is not a child even if she acts like one.
I agree with redatlanta above, if you are going to do something, make it clear in the beginning what that will be, do it, and not one cent more. And do it at once so you don't have to keep communication open. And get the car, now. If she wrecks and you are on the title guess who has liability? That's right, you.
When my X left he had his family and everyone else feeling so sorry for him. Guess what, boo hoo. I spend thousands of my own hard earned money bailing him out of financial mess due to his addiction. He can consider that his settlement. I kept our house and almost everything in it. He gets mad b/c I have some family money he has no access too. Too bad.
He knew what he was getting into when he continued down the road he chose. I warned him and warned him, just as you have done. If they don't listen, they don't listen. We cannot make them.
LET HER GO
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
The more you do for her, the more you deprive her of the opportunity and dignity to learn to stand on her own two feet. The more you do for her, the more enmeshed you stay.
And maybe also this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
She is not going after my house, my car, my bank accounts, etc. She's not dumping her debt on me.
This are all things that she has the legal right to do in Indiana. I'm just trying to sacrifice a little right now, to keep her in that mindset.
At the moment the car she is driving will yield almost $6,000 when I sell it. I don't think spending a few thousand to get her something to drive is too much.
Perhaps the apartment money etc is a bit much. If she has a car and a job, she can figure out the rest.
This are all things that she has the legal right to do in Indiana. I'm just trying to sacrifice a little right now, to keep her in that mindset.
At the moment the car she is driving will yield almost $6,000 when I sell it. I don't think spending a few thousand to get her something to drive is too much.
Perhaps the apartment money etc is a bit much. If she has a car and a job, she can figure out the rest.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Don't bet that she won't change her mind on that. I will tell you that my attorney advised me to clean out all of my accounts and get his name off of anything possible BEFORE I file for divorce. In other words, empty your accounts, get it all out of your house, be liquid for a while. Try not to be worth much on paper.
Sorry to say that, just repeating what several attorneys told me. We hammered out an agreement and I got him to sign it and filed it ASAP so he would not change his mind.
Legal consultations are free. You can bet she will find her way to one very quickly.
And in this state, when you file there is immediately a ruling that you cannot change ownership of anything, car titles, beneficiaries, etc. So do it all before.
Sorry to say that, just repeating what several attorneys told me. We hammered out an agreement and I got him to sign it and filed it ASAP so he would not change his mind.
Legal consultations are free. You can bet she will find her way to one very quickly.
And in this state, when you file there is immediately a ruling that you cannot change ownership of anything, car titles, beneficiaries, etc. So do it all before.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
There isn't anyone else in her life that will help her find a place to live and a way to get to and from work? I mean, she's a grown woman. This is really not your problem. This is a dad issue, not an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband issue.
I will say, I have been SHOCKED at the number of people who are willing to float my STBXAH, who is unemployed and acts completely helpless to help himself. The amount of money that has been thrown at him is staggering. You might consider that she seems pretty resourceful and has friends and family and men who are willing to swoop in and save this damsel in distress.
Before you decide to do anything that will legally or financially stretch you, retain a lawyer. I don't think you're right on these assumptions, and you should have sound legal advice before you decide to float an alcoholic's habit to assuage your guilt over breaking up with her. Get a lawyer that can look at YOUR case and YOUR financials. Speculation and assumption doesn't help you here.
A great lesson I learned from SR is "Stand there and do nothing."
You really aren't required to save her.
Have you started counseling and/or Al-Anon?
I will say, I have been SHOCKED at the number of people who are willing to float my STBXAH, who is unemployed and acts completely helpless to help himself. The amount of money that has been thrown at him is staggering. You might consider that she seems pretty resourceful and has friends and family and men who are willing to swoop in and save this damsel in distress.
This are all things that she has the legal right to do in Indiana.
A great lesson I learned from SR is "Stand there and do nothing."
You really aren't required to save her.
Have you started counseling and/or Al-Anon?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I change my advice. Sorry, I thought this was a girlfriend not a wife. You need to contact an attorney. You are correct she has legal right to a lot of things. Assuming she wants nothing is putting the cart before the horse. If you can get the car back and purchase her another in her name I would do that ASAP.
Don't comfort yourself that because she left so easily she will walk away with nothing. I suspect she will not. If she does you are lucky and exceptional. As to what you do for her for now that should be guided by an attorney to protect your own self.
Don't comfort yourself that because she left so easily she will walk away with nothing. I suspect she will not. If she does you are lucky and exceptional. As to what you do for her for now that should be guided by an attorney to protect your own self.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Short-term month-to-month car leases . . . .
Enterprise Rent-A-Car - Rental Cars at Low, Affordable Rates
She lease it in her name, and not your problem.
Enterprise Rent-A-Car - Rental Cars at Low, Affordable Rates
She lease it in her name, and not your problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
how old is she again? cuz you talk like she's a teenager that just got the boot and has never held a job before, much less know much about opening a bank account.
i think it will help if you work on changing your mindset about her and what you perceive as her HELPLESSNESS. cuz babe, she ain't. she knows how to use people, to manipulate to get what she wants. she HAS a job, so she HAS income and can therefore pay her own way. or not. i hear that folks who do NOT own vehicles still manage to get around either thru a van pool at work, public transportation, hitching a ride with someone. you say you want the car she drives to sell and use the proceeds to pay down debt. well that's a great plan, but you do not know how much you will truly get for it, and if the plan is to pay DOWN debt, turning around and buying her ANOTHER car is just, well, silly.
i think it will help if you work on changing your mindset about her and what you perceive as her HELPLESSNESS. cuz babe, she ain't. she knows how to use people, to manipulate to get what she wants. she HAS a job, so she HAS income and can therefore pay her own way. or not. i hear that folks who do NOT own vehicles still manage to get around either thru a van pool at work, public transportation, hitching a ride with someone. you say you want the car she drives to sell and use the proceeds to pay down debt. well that's a great plan, but you do not know how much you will truly get for it, and if the plan is to pay DOWN debt, turning around and buying her ANOTHER car is just, well, silly.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
You do sound more like her daddy than her husband. And she sounds like a 16 year old.
So, you owe 9000 on the car but you can sell it for 6000. Who will pay the 3000 left on the loan? Would it be easier to pay off the car and just give it to her?
So, you owe 9000 on the car but you can sell it for 6000. Who will pay the 3000 left on the loan? Would it be easier to pay off the car and just give it to her?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
She will get to a free legal consultation and watch out.
I don't think this "being nice" will last long once she realizes she can get money.
Get the car back before you set her up in an apartment if that's what you choose to do.
I don't think this "being nice" will last long once she realizes she can get money.
Get the car back before you set her up in an apartment if that's what you choose to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: indiana
Posts: 158
I've got leverage in the form of her infidelities. In exchange for my silence, we have an amicable divorce. She can spin what ever story she wants and I will withhold her dirty secrets. I'm sure she's nervous as hell that I will expose her. This is the only reason I'm confident we'll wrap this up quickly.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
