Dodge31

I don't know were to start with it all with my alcholic boyfriend. I've been reading the posts on here for sometime and I can see that some people have learned to detach from the abuse. But I struggle so bad as it's hurtful and nasty. I've tried setting boundaries this doesn't seem to work he ignores them. And persists to keep me up all night via the phone whilst I'm 29 weeks pregnant. All I hear is how terrible iam and how his drinking and various suicide attempts are caused by myself for not caring enough. I've got to the point were I struggle to see this as a disease, which is probably terrible of me. But he's caused me and my children so much misery at times. Luckily I don't have to live with him as I don't think I would cope with this. Why do they claim to love others but treat them so bad and keep them trapped? I just want to know I'm not alone as I can't face telling anybody else....xx

dandylion

Dodge---one very practical suggestion--to start with......I suggest telling him that the doctor told you to turn all electronic instruments off at night and get to sleep at 10:pm--because, otherwise, it is detrimental to your health. Then--disable the phone at 10:00!!

I don't think that here is a Dr. alive that would disagree with this---as the lack of sleep does terrible things to your body and m ind.

dandylion

Dodge31

It sure does make the day harder dandylion. I need to be stronger with him...

ladyscribbler

Detachment is not a long term solution to carrying on a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. In fact, when I started trying to detach, my ex escalated and I had to take my children and leave for our safety.
Sounds like you do not live together, that is really good news. I'm wondering what is keeping you "trapped" in this relationship? One of my biggest regrets is that I didn't leave my ex when I was pregnant. I kept myself there with thoughts like- this has to get better, he'll see what he's doing to me and stop drinking, my child needs a dad, etc. But it only got worse, because alcoholism is progressive. My ex also had other issues- brain injuries and PTSD that made it worse. Sounds like your bf has some other mental issues on top of the alcoholism.
Agree with dandylion that you need to start taking care of yourself, especially with a baby on board. Shutting off phones, etc after a certain time is an excellent idea.
Welcome and keep posting. Hugs.

hopeful4

What is he doing is a serious form of abuse! I cannot imagine the stress this causes you and your children. Have you thought about calling an abuse hotline and speaking with them.

Detatchment is not the solution. I would recommend Alanon or Celebrate Recovery paired with counseling for you. You don't have to allow this in your life. Don't put his addiction and mental illness above you and your children. You deserve more.

Please stay safe. Keep posting, you are not alone.

martina12

Hi Dodge welcome to this site..you are in the right place to get support.

I was new to this site this time last year and have found it to be incredibly supportive in helping me to come to terms with the implications of being with an A.

Detachment is very important but how to do it is very complex! I would suggest as others did for me to read 'Codependent No More'

Setting boundaries also very important..I set my boundary as no vodka in the house and it led to my marital breakdown. I thought that his love for me would be greater than vodka..how wrong I was! His love for vodka is his greatest love and I have found that out but hey at least I know now and I don't want a relationship with a partner based on vodka.

The blaming you is typical behaviour..he is the addict and its his problem not yours.
Please don't entertain the idea of living with him..I did live with AH and I am still struggling to recover..

Addicts can't love anyone until they learn to love themselves so don't listen to his claims..

You are not alone you have us on SR so keep posting, as I am, to keep going in the right direction. I am trying to grasp that handle on recovery myself and others on this fantastic site can offer much greater advice and words of wisdom...stay close to us x

honeypig

Hi, Dodge--glad you decided to start posting in addition to reading here.

First, and most important, please check out this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html There is a lot of information and resources that you might find helpful.

Next, I'd like to second those who said that detaching is not intended as a long-term solution to life w/an A. It's a way to get yourself enough peace and perspective to make good decisions in the shorter term. This might help: Detaching - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

And finally, you mention that you set boundaries but that he ignores them. Since boundaries are actions that YOU take, I think you may be confusing boundaries and rules (I certainly did). These 2 threads might be useful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

Can I suggest getting to an Alanon meeting for some face-to-face support? I know you have kids, but if child care is a problem, many meetings do offer child care for free or a nominal fee (meetings I know of ask for $1 a child if you can afford it). SR is a great place, but sometimes having somebody who's right there can help you understand in a different way than just reading online.

You DO deserve better, and you CAN get this abusive jerk off your back and out of your life! Hang in there.

Dodge31

Thanks everybody for the reply as I was nervous to post. I feel trapped as everytime I try to knock it on the head he tries a suicide attempt and I do fear that if I finish it he will come for me. Which is a threat he' made before. But he does tend to make a lot of threats towards people when drunk. I've hit the point were I really have no sympathy for him I find it more of a show up. Xx

ladyscribbler

Whether he is just using these threats to control and manipulate or of he is serious seems like a matter best left to professionals. Next time he says anything like that, you would be within your rights to call your local emergency services and let them sort him out.

hopeful4

Make it very clear if he threatens suicide you will call 911. And follow through on it. It will do one of two things. If he really is suicidal it will get him to the hospital. If not, it will show him you won't tolerate that form of manipulation, and that you will call 911 every time. If you are scared of him, you need to take action. You don't deserve these forms of abuse. Please stay safe.

Dodge31

Thanks for all the advice. Means a lot. I did manage to get some sleep last night phone went off. Woke up to several strange texts again. Like...your breaking me heart. I know you have another man in bed with you. I don't think the baby's mine. But this is normal behaviour for him. So I'm going to ignore and catch up on some more sleep today. Hope you guys have a great day. Dodge. Xx

Dodge31

And as to the suicide texts I have started forwarding them to his father let someone else deal with it. Xx

CodeJob

Dodge,

Welcome to SR. When I am in a bad situation, I often let the stress and negativity overwhelm me. I have to really step back and make a list or just focus on one thing.

You are 29 weeks pregnant. You mention you have other children too! Do you have family or friends supporting you? Is it all possible you could go No Contact (NC) and just focus on your kids? Surely that is enough all on its own?

I hope you are getting some rest.

Seren

Oh, Dodge!!! I'm so sorry you have been going through such awful mental and verbal abuse....you do not deserve this sort of treatment at all!

I'm glad you were able to get some sleep and hope it continues tonight.

You and your children are absolutely deserve to be the No. 1 priority.

If he threatens suicide in the future, please do not hesitate to call 911. If he is sincere, he will be in the right hands to receive the treatment he needs. If he is bluffing as a manipulation tactic, he is unlikely to do so again if he feels the police will show up at his door each time he tries.

Please take good care of yourself! Come here and vent and work through all of this as much as you need

m1k3

I would like to second the no contact idea. It really helped me and gave me some quiet and space to think.

I don't know how the other phone services work but with verizon you can go into your account and block up to 5 phone numbers for 90 days. No calls, no texts. You can unblock any time you want and at the end of 90 days you can re-enter the number. Best of all it's free.

Your friend,

inpieces314

I used to block the ABF's number all the time. It was just as much to keep ME from calling HIM. He would just use someone else's phone to call me if he wanted to, but when the number is blocked, you can't call either way, which helped me a lot in the beginning with no contact.

FeelingGreat

Hi Dodge, tons of good advice here, especially about referring a threat to harm you, or commit suicide to the police. You don't say how far away he is, or whether he has access to your house. This is important, because once you start setting some boundaries his behaviour may escalate beyond threats.

Constantly calling in the middle of the night is abuse, and of course you should ignore, but please tell him when he's sober. You won't get any benefit arguing with a drunk.

If he texts a suicide attempt is there anyone related to him you can forward it to? Or if you still have past texts threatening you or self-harm? Please think in terms of having evidence if it comes to having to take out an order against him. Be smart - you deserve a peaceful pregnancy and birth.

martina12

I would like to third support the idea of NC! I went into my mobile phone shop and they blocked for me as I didn't know how to do it! but if you are a bit more savvy you might be able to work it out on your phone. It would give you the peace that you need right now....

Dodge31

Hi feelinggreat. Luckily there is some distance between us so he's not on the doorstep and spends most of his dole on drink which is his main concern. Yes I do forward the texts to his father and keep anything that could be used against him. His father does agree with me and has said that he'd never fight his corner as he knows what he's like. The past week or so has just been extra bad for some reason with getting further along in the pregnancy and hormones raging. I don't usually let him get to me so bad. Dodge. Xx

Dodge31

I've kept my phone on silent all day and ignored the several bs texts msgs about how his ex girlfriend still loves him...which I struggle to believe! But I think yes blocking his number is the way forward even tho he will scream victim. Dodge. Xx