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The anxiety finally won.

Old 06-17-2014, 12:04 PM
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Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
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The anxiety finally won.

I'm an anxious hot mess by nature.

The kinder, gentler term is a "Highly Sensitive Person". Translated, what it means to me is life as most people are able to experience it, can not be metabolized and surrendered to by me, as such.

Huh ?

I have been practicing meditation for a year and a half. I do so because without it, I have a hard time functioning in normal society. There are times when my anxiety is so crippling, I can hardly draw a clear breath. I have tried all the tricks, exercise, cutting out caffeine, sugar, massage, you name it. I've done it. I was doing it.

And then....duh duh duh....

Cities and hustle and bustle generally compound my anxiety to near unbearable levels.

I had been able to diffuse it, for the most part, for a good long while. I was traveling with my family, to Manhattan, and the city just kicked my ass this time.

I'd like to say I know why. But I don't. Nothing was different, I was in a great place mentally before I stepped into the craziness that defines that city. But this time, I literally couldn't cope. Day one was spent in agony, day two resulted in my having to take a half a Xanax just to be able to put one foot In front of the other. Lost that day to sleep. Damn it.

Day three, I caved. I had a glass of wine at dinner, and for reasons I am not even remotely proud of, suddenly, I felt it all lift.

Ahhhhhhh, I could breathe again.

I'm frightened as to what this means. Psychologically. Physiologically.

I'm holding into the fact that the planets were in misalignment and perhaps that what was provoking the knee rendering anxiety, but truth be told, I'm not sure.

Have I become another PAWS statistic ?

We all know it works.

Until it no longer does.

I didn't get wasted. I didn't even care to. I just wanted out of the skin that I could no longer contain myself in.

Absolutely nothing else worked, and I simply couldn't bear feeling like I was dying every god awful minute.

I'm so tired of trying to figure it out.

So I'm leaning on you all to help me find my way again.

XO AO
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Old 06-17-2014, 12:15 PM
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((((AO))). NYC comes close to putting me over the edge, also. I can stand 2 days max.

I understand; anxiety can be debilitating at times. I don't remember; are you being treated for anxiety?
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Old 06-17-2014, 12:25 PM
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Welcome back, I'm sorry for how you have been feeling. I don't know that you can figure it out but wine won't help.
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Old 06-17-2014, 12:29 PM
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Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
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Originally Posted by SoberLeigh View Post
((((AO))). NYC comes close to putting me over the edge, also. I can stand 2 days max.

I understand; anxiety can be debilitating at times. I don't remember; are you being treated for anxiety?
If by being treated you mean, trying to take exceptional care of my mind, body and sprit, yes.

I am vehemently opposed to daily meds for personal reasons, but I will resort to an occasional Xanax (I'm talking maybe once or twice a month) if I can no longer bear it. I have been in therapy for anxiety on and off for three decades, and still battle it something awful.

WHEN it actually hits.

Most of the time, I can keep it under control with exercise, eating right, avoiding stimulants, but because I'm so damn energy sensitive, some times it just way lays me and knocks me off my mark.

For days.

And there are some situations that you just can not avoid. I couldn't not do this trip. I scraped by last time by my fingertips, but not this time.

And what frightens me the absolute most about all of this, is how well it served me.

Two sips in and BAM, I was suddenly and finally OK.
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Old 06-17-2014, 12:45 PM
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I am sorry about this. Sounds quite miserable. I have anxiety and depression that I take daily meds for. If I miss a day, I just cry. And cry. And cry. I wish the wine hadn't served you well. In my *ahem* current relapse! it is not serving me well at all. It's like some strange thing I put in my body that does nothing good for me. Don't kick yourself. You will be ok, I can feel it. Maybe I'll be right there with you holding cyber-hands. Blessings.
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Old 06-17-2014, 12:50 PM
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I don't like daily meds either. I was on low doses of Paxil for a few years (during my sister's illness and death); it took a while to wean myself even though it was a really low dose (had loud scratching noises in my head) so I understand not wanting to be on meds.

The fact that a glass of wine immediately offered relief to you is scary; that first glass feeling is what brought me back time and time and time again. Unfortunately, it never stopped there. That's what we need to remember when we reach for that first glass.

Addiction is like being caught between a rock and hard spot sometimes and you found yourself squeezed. I strongly suspect this is just a small blip on your radar screen. You are going to be okay, AO.
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Old 06-17-2014, 12:52 PM
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I'm sorry to hear that AO. I can totally relate. I also have anxiety and hate crowds. I now live in the middle of nowhere which is the best thing I;ve ever done but appreciate this is neither practical or possible for others.

I understand you not wanting to take meds for anxiety but surely meds prescribed by a doc are better than drinking.

I've also had the 1/2 glasses of wine after a period of sobriety and it helped.Until it didn't. Even if I just had 1 or 2 one day it didn't take long for me to up the intake and frequency until I was back to where I was before. I don't know how long you had been sober before this but it does get better. I'm 18 months now and rarely have anxiety so bad I want to drink. but it took a long time to get here- for many many months it felt like it was getting worse before it got better, but it does get better
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Old 06-17-2014, 12:54 PM
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Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
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(((Raider))) my sweet sister. I'm so very sorry you are struggling as well. Damn disease.

Please don't misunderstand me. I'm not touting "moderation". I know, damn well, where this can lead because I've been and done. More times than I care to remember. This is not me saying, look, I can drink and I'll be ok.

No.

Not ok.

I can't change how I'm hard wired, anymore than I can change my eye or skin color. But over the decades, I have found coping mechanisms that most often work. I have always been like this. And I swear, it's almost as if, the more I practice meditation, yoga, prayer, etc. the MORE sensitive I become.

It's like being raw. All the time. And just sometimes are worse than others.

I cried for 3 days until my husband finally looked at me and said, PACK IT UP. He took me to Cape Cod, and I was able to ground and center myself again.

But I drank there too.

Because at that point, I figured, screw it.

And this is how it begins...
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:01 PM
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I am sorry, AO. I don't know that I have any helpful advice. But I am curious. Why didn't you try the Xanax that had been prescribed? For me, under the circumstances you were in, it would have been my alternative to alcohol. Of course, in my case, the difference is that if I take a Xanax, I don't have an urge for 10 more, as I do after having a drink.

If the Xanax isn't relieving the anxiety, maybe you need to talk to your doctor about trying a different medication?

Anyway, I am glad you are hear with us. I hope you are feeling better very soon.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:05 PM
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Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
I am vehemently opposed to daily meds for personal reasons, but I will resort to an occasional Xanax (I'm talking maybe once or twice a month) if I can no longer bear it.
Yet you can rationalize drinking somehow to self medicate...? Don't get me wrong, i'm very strongly against regular meds too if it's avoidable. But if you honestly look at it for face value - perhaps a low dose of something on a regular basis would even things out? And the consequences of not doing it could be catastrophic if you go into full blown alcohol relapse.

All i'm saying is to keep an open mind about possible treatment options.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:19 PM
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Sorry you are struggling so heavily with your anxiety.

Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
I had a glass of wine at dinner, and for reasons I am not even remotely proud of, suddenly, I felt it all lift.

Ahhhhhhh, I could breathe again.
I cannot claim to be an expert in anxiety, its cause or its solution. But I don't know how a glass of wine (later you said two sips) could instantly cure your anxiety. I don't think alcohol can metabolize that quickly.

Unless it has nothing to do with anxiety and everything to do with addiction. I have had my addiction create responses to situations that could only be alleviated by using, primarily when I was addicted to meth. Just the anticipation of doing some, the knowing I was going to get high, was enough to remove whatever issue was causing me to seek relief through drugs...before even ingesting it.

I used, recently. Five years clean time gone. Something drove me to it. Something that justified using where nothing else would suffice. But all it really came down to was my addiction and need to get high.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:21 PM
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I'm so sorry AO! Are you home now? Are you still drinking? I've been thinking about you lately because I haven't seen you posting and I always find your posts to be so inspirational! You are amazing, you'll be able to stop again if you haven't already. Have you gone to a therapist? Apparently CBT really helps. I have terrible anxiety as well and have been having a hard time as of late and it's hard to be so "Raw" as you've described without any relief. I think I understand, I can barely listen to the news I am too sensitive to anything terrible that happens. Please keep posting. Sending lots of love and support your way. xoxoxoxoxoxo
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:23 PM
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I'm not recalling how long you'd been sober, but here's something I've been noticing; I think it takes a long while to 're-wire' ourselves in sobriety so that we adapt to the world without booze and reset our systems, creating new habits and ways of dealing with life.

I'm sorry to hear you succumbed to a craving and are agonizing a bit over the implications. I'd really like to encourage you to be grateful that it didn't go any further, and to close that door with all your might lest it open enough to let the addict back in.

In your words, I can see that you already "know" the things that will help you keep mind, body, spirit healthy and whole. Knowing and managing to accomplish it are often very distant things.... but by at least knowing, you're on your way.

I'd suggest you look back at this situation and honestly ask yourself what other responses you could have chosen. What - in the future - might be your 'go to' response.

I'd suggest you spend some time writing down all the reasons sobriety is important to you and all the ways in which 'treating' anxiety with booze is a self-defeating practice that only leads to worsening of the symptoms and causes all sorts of associated difficulties in life.

Good job coming in here and owning up and asking for support. NOW.... on to the business of supporting YOURSELF, because you know this stuff, AO.



Back on the Path with you.

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Old 06-17-2014, 01:27 PM
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AO no, I did not think you think moderation is ok or that it even works. I know it doesn't work for me, and now I know it doesn't for you either. Blessings Sweet Lady.
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Old 06-17-2014, 01:28 PM
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I take Inderal for my anxiety. Its a blood pressure medication. Performers often use it for stage fright. My anxiety was getting bad but I didn't want to be spaced out. This was the perfect solution for me.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:13 PM
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AO I understand totally. I think it is the instant quick fix to calm my anxiety that gets me every time. I am on AD and they have helped when I look back where I was 12 months ago, but when the super anxiety kicks in it is like my inner self screaming out for a quick end to the anxiety. Logic tells me otherwise but I so understand.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:16 PM
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Aw, AO, I'm sorry. I hope you find your way back, quickly. Your post is the one I always pull up when I need reminding of the hole I don't want to get back into (the middle of the night jolt for example). Thinking of you.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:25 PM
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((((AO))) my anxiety was so bad when I first got sober, my doctors ran every kind of test they could to see what was going on. You might ask your doctor about an echo cardiographs to rule out Mitrial valve prolapse. It's very common in women and very minor but it triggers panic attack type symptoms sometimes. in my case, a small dose of a beta blocker (atenolol) got rid of the panic attacks. It's a very inexpensive and I only take a tiny dose. Please ask your doctor. It won't hurt to rule this out.

I'm so glad your back. You've made such valuable contributions to SR. I hope this might help you as much as it has me.

Love from Lenina
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Old 06-17-2014, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
I'm an anxious hot mess by nature.
I disagree and you know this is not true. You might be often out of balance but you recently have found a way to get center through your meditation. You say so yourself.


Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
Day three, I caved. I had a glass of wine at dinner, and for reasons I am not even remotely proud of, suddenly, I felt it all lift.

Ahhhhhhh, I could breathe again.

I'm frightened as to what this means. Psychologically. Physiologically.
My dear, you are an addict, like me. Alcoholic if you prefer that term, I prefer addict and alcohol being one of my addictions. So sorry if I projected my own term on you, sister. You used because it was the easiest coping mechanism available. You were not vigilant and mindful of what was going on and you used. There is no magic in the wine. No physiological benefit going on - you mind gave you a rush of dopamine, same with a line of coke or shot of heroin and this lifted the anxiety. This has nothing to do with planets just an addict getting your fix.

What seems more dangerous to me than your relapse is your willing rationalization post to keep you in relapse mode AO. Cape Cod, drinking and now these posts, which read like a giant rationalization as if the booze was a magical pill for you. Come on, not from you, you are stronger than this.

Lets take a look at the circumstances prior to NYC. You have been isolating on here for quite some time. What program are you working? My guess is this relapse happened weeks or months ago and NYC was the perfect excuse to let the dogs out so to speak. It gave you a convenient excuse to rationalize your relapse.

BTW - You know I care for you deeply and I hope you will give it to me straight with your opinion if I relapse too. So Blow Me!
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Old 06-17-2014, 03:24 PM
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You know better than to think alcohol is going to do anything other than amp your anxiety way the hell up. The first year is a hot mess roller coaster. The second year is shaping up to be that too but not quite as bad. We can figure this out AO.
Undertaking this during the premenopausal stage of life is just damn fine timing on our part.
I have never taken any pills for mental health in my life. Finally after listening to me complain about anger for months on end the doc gave me 20 milligrams of celexa to take once a day. They make me feel like I did BEFORE. They make me feel like me. I don't plan to stay on them forever but to get me through this period in my life they are great.
I am a big believer that diet and exercise can solve most problems but like you said it works until it doesn't.
I'm just glad you are back here safe. Love you AO.
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