Suffering
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Suffering
Sometimes the questions of "why?" just become so overwhelming. Not why a person I love is doing what he's doing, but why suffering exists.
A student, upset and crying, asked Shunryu Suzuki why there was so much suffering in the world. He replied, "No reason."
A student, upset and crying, asked Shunryu Suzuki why there was so much suffering in the world. He replied, "No reason."
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Originally Posted by CaringScared 
Sometimes the questions of "why?" just become so overwhelming. Not why a person I love is doing what he's doing, but why suffering exists.
A student, upset and crying, asked Shunryu Suzuki why there was so much suffering in the world. He replied, "No reason."
A student, upset and crying, asked Shunryu Suzuki why there was so much suffering in the world. He replied, "No reason."
I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. It's tough sitting with all of that, and at times, I know it's overwhelming.
I'd like to share with you what worked for me when I was in your place.
When I started going to Al Anon, and I starting really listening to the stories of others, the details and circumstances were different, but the core issues were the same: the addict did what they did because, simply, they were addicts. And they were sick.
Sounds overly simple, doesn't it. Perhaps. But what thinking that way did for me was take out the "whys" and stopped me from going down that rabbit hole. My AXGF did what she did because she's an addict (and a Borderline), and that's that. That infamous sticky note on our home page -- "What Addicts Do" -- simply reinforced what I already knew to be true.
If you go down that rabbit hole -- asking the whys over and over again -- you'll have a hard time getting out of it. And you're having a hard enough time as it is. So try as best you can to accept that sometimes things are what they are. Cry if you have to, punch a pillow, scream out the window...and then work on letting it go.
Be safe, OK?
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Thank you, zoso. I appreciate that. I really appreciate the help.
I think for me, the "whys" right now are more along the lines of why one person has to endure abuse as a child, has to be bipolar, has to be without options and there is NOTHING you can do for that person because the needs are so great.
Sometimes when I notice my own life getting better I feel no guilt at all. Then, blam, I wake up and the guilt is back, gnawing at me, even though nothing I've done has ever, ever helped anyway and even though my psychiatrist friend gave me that good advice: "Remember that any damage you did to him doesn't come close to the damage he's doing himself."
A mutual friend of both of ours gave me a come-to-Jesus type talk the other day. She's very sensible and I know she cares for my bf a lot; she knew him before I did. She said, "You're a pretty girl. Do you really want to be involved with that? Do you really want to wait around to see if he gets better? He needs months and months of recovery and he doesn't even want it." She added, "He's not a bad guy, he's a good guy. But he's going to get out and go right back to using again."
Perhaps what I really need to do is deal with reality.
I think for me, the "whys" right now are more along the lines of why one person has to endure abuse as a child, has to be bipolar, has to be without options and there is NOTHING you can do for that person because the needs are so great.
Sometimes when I notice my own life getting better I feel no guilt at all. Then, blam, I wake up and the guilt is back, gnawing at me, even though nothing I've done has ever, ever helped anyway and even though my psychiatrist friend gave me that good advice: "Remember that any damage you did to him doesn't come close to the damage he's doing himself."
A mutual friend of both of ours gave me a come-to-Jesus type talk the other day. She's very sensible and I know she cares for my bf a lot; she knew him before I did. She said, "You're a pretty girl. Do you really want to be involved with that? Do you really want to wait around to see if he gets better? He needs months and months of recovery and he doesn't even want it." She added, "He's not a bad guy, he's a good guy. But he's going to get out and go right back to using again."
Perhaps what I really need to do is deal with reality.
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why one person has to endure abuse as a child, has to be bipolar, has to be without options
there ARE options! one could seek counseling/therapy, work with a doctor on medications to deal with bipolarity....and of course, QUIT SMOKING CRACK.
you are right, you can't fix him. what he needs is far beyond your role as a loving concerned person. help IS available....but HE has to want it and to seek it out for himself. his options are only as limited as his desire to find solutions.
there ARE options! one could seek counseling/therapy, work with a doctor on medications to deal with bipolarity....and of course, QUIT SMOKING CRACK.
you are right, you can't fix him. what he needs is far beyond your role as a loving concerned person. help IS available....but HE has to want it and to seek it out for himself. his options are only as limited as his desire to find solutions.
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You're right, Anvilhead. He does have options, there's free rehab in our area that has been offered to him and he could at least try that. He could try to get to some sort of therapist. He could ask for help with it. If you can ask for money for crack, you can ask for help getting therapy.
Put that way, it is indisputable truth.
Put that way, it is indisputable truth.
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I think for me, the "whys" right now are more along the lines of why one person has to endure abuse as a child, has to be bipolar, has to be without options and there is NOTHING you can do for that person because the needs are so great.
Yes, he got dealt a sh*tty hand. Yes, he suffered something no child should suffer. But if he chooses not to do things that will make his life better, then he won't get better. It's that simple.
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Originally Posted by zoso77
Choosing not to do anything about being Bipolar, or choosing not to deal with the trauma of childhood abuse, is making a choice. Coming up with the right cocktail of meds to deal with Bipolar is not as challenging as it was, say, 20+ years ago.
Yes, he got dealt a sh*tty hand. Yes, he suffered something no child should suffer. But if he chooses not to do things that will make his life better, then he won't get better. It's that simple.
Yes, he got dealt a sh*tty hand. Yes, he suffered something no child should suffer. But if he chooses not to do things that will make his life better, then he won't get better. It's that simple.
I really need someone to talk some sense to me. This is all just sheer logic, yet somehow it was evading me, or I was evading it.
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Our hearts often just don't want to acknowledge what our heads know.
From my experience, I had to let myself feel what I felt, but, with the help of SoberRecovery and very supportive family and friends, I didn't make my decisions from my feelings.
We can each only live our own lives. That sounds so simple, but, after a 20 year marriage to a man who became an abusive alcoholic, it was so hard to act upon. But we have to give our partners the dignity to make their own choices, even if we think they are dead wrong. They are adults and they have the right to live as they choose.
ShootingStar1
From my experience, I had to let myself feel what I felt, but, with the help of SoberRecovery and very supportive family and friends, I didn't make my decisions from my feelings.
We can each only live our own lives. That sounds so simple, but, after a 20 year marriage to a man who became an abusive alcoholic, it was so hard to act upon. But we have to give our partners the dignity to make their own choices, even if we think they are dead wrong. They are adults and they have the right to live as they choose.
ShootingStar1
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The catch (and there is always a catch) in the thought pattern
"I was dealt a shi**y hand"......... is there is ALWAYS someone
dealt a shi**ier hand------- and played them exceptionally well.
You can win the game of life with a pair of deuces.
"I was dealt a shi**y hand"......... is there is ALWAYS someone
dealt a shi**ier hand------- and played them exceptionally well.
You can win the game of life with a pair of deuces.
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This is a perfect post, spot on Anvil. This is something we can all remember, no matter the circumstances.
QUOTE=AnvilheadII;4723700]why one person has to endure abuse as a child, has to be bipolar, has to be without options
there ARE options! one could seek counseling/therapy, work with a doctor on medications to deal with bipolarity....and of course, QUIT SMOKING CRACK.
you are right, you can't fix him. what he needs is far beyond your role as a loving concerned person. help IS available....but HE has to want it and to seek it out for himself. his options are only as limited as his desire to find solutions.[/QUOTE]
QUOTE=AnvilheadII;4723700]why one person has to endure abuse as a child, has to be bipolar, has to be without options
there ARE options! one could seek counseling/therapy, work with a doctor on medications to deal with bipolarity....and of course, QUIT SMOKING CRACK.
you are right, you can't fix him. what he needs is far beyond your role as a loving concerned person. help IS available....but HE has to want it and to seek it out for himself. his options are only as limited as his desire to find solutions.[/QUOTE]
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Saving and wanting to rescue are what makes us sick as codependents. That is what we have to let go of or we are destined to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
Addicts and emotionally needy people lock onto "fixer/rescuer" type people because they instinctually know that person will take care of them. If you don't want the next relationship to be exactly the same guy, you've got to fix yourself.
Addicts and emotionally needy people lock onto "fixer/rescuer" type people because they instinctually know that person will take care of them. If you don't want the next relationship to be exactly the same guy, you've got to fix yourself.
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Yeah, I can't rescue him worth a damn.
Yesterday I was crying for different reasons, mostly because I was realizing what mistakes I'd made getting this far in. But then I just turned around and made more mistakes. I went to a big birthday party knowing he might be there, and he was. I only stayed for twenty minutes and was completely trepidatious to talk to him, I thought he'd be unpleasant. Instead he was sweet as could be, like I haven't seen him in weeks. He asked me to leave with him but I said no, but then this morning I had those stupid feelings of wondering if I should have.
And then I looked at his Facebook page, which I'd never done before. It brought back my feelings for him with a big pang. It made me want his love.
Time to turn the focus around again. Earlier this week when I was staying out of touch with him, hanging out with friends, meditating, exercising, etc. I was happier. Best not to be reminded of what can't be solved.
Thanks, I'm embarrassed to have lapses like this, sometimes I feel like I'm making strides, and then I get so lost...
Yesterday I was crying for different reasons, mostly because I was realizing what mistakes I'd made getting this far in. But then I just turned around and made more mistakes. I went to a big birthday party knowing he might be there, and he was. I only stayed for twenty minutes and was completely trepidatious to talk to him, I thought he'd be unpleasant. Instead he was sweet as could be, like I haven't seen him in weeks. He asked me to leave with him but I said no, but then this morning I had those stupid feelings of wondering if I should have.
And then I looked at his Facebook page, which I'd never done before. It brought back my feelings for him with a big pang. It made me want his love.
Time to turn the focus around again. Earlier this week when I was staying out of touch with him, hanging out with friends, meditating, exercising, etc. I was happier. Best not to be reminded of what can't be solved.
Thanks, I'm embarrassed to have lapses like this, sometimes I feel like I'm making strides, and then I get so lost...
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Thank you, hopeful.
Some bad incident preceded him landing in hospital, apparently the night I saw him at a party. At the party he told me bad things happened to him whenever I wasn't with him. Still, I didn't leave with him. So a bad thing happened, so it was my fault because I wasn't with him.
I have read about situations like these--he thinks if I monitored him all the time, then he wouldn't use, but it just does not work like that (needless to say? Maybe you've noticed).
I have a lot of work to do.
Some bad incident preceded him landing in hospital, apparently the night I saw him at a party. At the party he told me bad things happened to him whenever I wasn't with him. Still, I didn't leave with him. So a bad thing happened, so it was my fault because I wasn't with him.
I have read about situations like these--he thinks if I monitored him all the time, then he wouldn't use, but it just does not work like that (needless to say? Maybe you've noticed).
I have a lot of work to do.
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