zeldachan

I had a terrible day yesterday and found one of my "stashes" that I'd forgotten about and drank the whole thing to make myself feel better. I woke up this morning feeling absolutely terrible (obviously) and terrible that I threw away thirty days of sobriety and my health for that. Why did I drink, I have stage 1 fibrosis? it's like allowing myself to slit my wrists. I wouldn't do that, why did I drink???

I am getting more and more sure that I'm going to die young and it scares me... I don't want to die but I can't seem to get out of the grip of alcohol. I feel like my liver is already dead and I just have to catch up. I'm so depressed right now and I have to go into work and pretend everything is just fine and happy.

I'm going back to a meeting this afternoon... I feel so ******. Why do I do this to myself? How can I stop it? I don't want to die but I feel like it's almost too late for me.

I'm so tired.

DAY 1, HERE I COME. It's going to stick this time... I managed 30 days, certainly I can manage the rest of my life.

not2late

Don't beat yourself up. You did 30 days and that is a real accomplishment for a true alcoholic. It will work again. As you feel better you will feel stronger. I certainly don't have all the answers. I just know you can't give up. Hugs to you.

Dee74

Hi Zelda - welcome back

I think you really need to see someone about this.
Do you have a Dr or a therapist? a counsellor?

Depression is a tough thing to deal with, especially if you're trying to deal with it on your own.

D

LadyinBC

It is most definitely not too late for you. Like not2late (that is kind of a sign that this person posted) stated you have 30 days sober.

Okay you screwed up. Focus on the positive and what kept you going for those 30 days.

You CAN do this.

soberclover

I am thinking that you need a higher level of support/treatment. You have a lot to loose should you not get a grip on this disease. A counselor or an Intensive Outpatient Program or both is a good idea. Life will continue to have good and bad days even in sobriety. We have to learn to stay strong during both the ups and downs. You can do this!

PurpleKnight

Welcome Back!!

zeldachan

Thanks, everyone. I was seeing a therapist for a while, but then I came down with some illnesses and the money that was going to my therapy had to go to my prescription drugs. I do think that the suggested that I go back to seeing someone about this is a good one. So this morning I called my old therapist and asked if she could continue to see me, or if there was some sort of financial thing she knew about to make it all okay.

This morning I got up and I remembered everything about how awful drinking feels. The aches, the pain, the negativity. Before I got triggered, by stress, like always, I was doing really well. I didn't hurt so much anymore. I'm hoping I can go back to that, and not die.

I want to thank everyone for being so supportive. It really means a lot.