Be careful what you wish for
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Be careful what you wish for
As a drinking alcoholic one of my dearest ambitions was to be a hard drinker.
I saw these guys in the pubs I used to frequent. They led very ordered lives. At the pub probably three nights a week, sometimes more, they knocked back good quantities of beer, maybe a gallon to a gallon and a half each night. They were big fellows with a big beer pot. They always seemed to know when to stop, and go home, they ate regular meals, their wives and families didn't seem too bothered. They were never drunk, never in any trouble with anyone, always managed to keep their jobs and pay their way. It looked an ideal life to me.
But I couldn't do it. I was often insanely drunk, going from one crisis to the next, not eating, hallucinating, losing friends, family and jobs etc etc, to the point where I was almost dead. I couldn't stop when it was time, I had lost the power of choice. My hard drinking buddies had it all under control, though they drank a lot, they could take it or leave it.
But even for them, all that drinking damaged their bodies. Some stopped on the warning of a doctor, others seemed to have no inkling of health problems until the dropped dead of a heart attack.
All my hard drinking buddies are dead now. They mostly died in their fifties and early sixties. I'm sober and in my late fifties. I'm glad I didn't get what I wished for.
I saw these guys in the pubs I used to frequent. They led very ordered lives. At the pub probably three nights a week, sometimes more, they knocked back good quantities of beer, maybe a gallon to a gallon and a half each night. They were big fellows with a big beer pot. They always seemed to know when to stop, and go home, they ate regular meals, their wives and families didn't seem too bothered. They were never drunk, never in any trouble with anyone, always managed to keep their jobs and pay their way. It looked an ideal life to me.
But I couldn't do it. I was often insanely drunk, going from one crisis to the next, not eating, hallucinating, losing friends, family and jobs etc etc, to the point where I was almost dead. I couldn't stop when it was time, I had lost the power of choice. My hard drinking buddies had it all under control, though they drank a lot, they could take it or leave it.
But even for them, all that drinking damaged their bodies. Some stopped on the warning of a doctor, others seemed to have no inkling of health problems until the dropped dead of a heart attack.
All my hard drinking buddies are dead now. They mostly died in their fifties and early sixties. I'm sober and in my late fifties. I'm glad I didn't get what I wished for.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I felt the same way. I wanted nothing more than for everyone to leave me alone so I could drink the way I wanted to.
I got what I wanted it and it was the tipping point that pushed me over the edge into my full blown alcoholism. I guess it was a blessing. Without it I am not sure I would be sober today. I would have continued to maintain my denial and pretend I was functioning.
That was my bottom, getting what I wished for. God working in mysterious ways. He will always provide, it just may look different than what we had in mind.
I got what I wanted it and it was the tipping point that pushed me over the edge into my full blown alcoholism. I guess it was a blessing. Without it I am not sure I would be sober today. I would have continued to maintain my denial and pretend I was functioning.
That was my bottom, getting what I wished for. God working in mysterious ways. He will always provide, it just may look different than what we had in mind.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
When I finally came into AA, shattered and living on instinct, the most powerful instincts were for procreation and security.
With my bent moral compass, although I was willing to do the right thing for a change, I had no idea what right really was. I formed the view that the right thing for me was to "settle down" so I welcomed the attention of a well known ( to everyone but me) 13 stepper. Practically over night I went from homeless and alone to house, wife, two children, one happy family. All most forgot, we were engaged to be married.
Then it all fell apart a few weeks later. I was back on the street and replaced by the next willing victim. God opened another door for me and I found a nice little flat for one where I lived happily for the next year durning which time I was able to recover from alcoholism. It wasn't for a few more years that I met my wife, the most lovely and loving woman and we had two beautiful children of our own.
My 13 stepper, to whom I had made amends for my part in what was a very wrong situation, continued on her merry way and eventually drank again. There was more wrong with her than just alcoholism, possibly she was one of those who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
I met her outside a rehab 20 years later and we exchanged greetings. I was so glad I didn't get what I wished for.
With my bent moral compass, although I was willing to do the right thing for a change, I had no idea what right really was. I formed the view that the right thing for me was to "settle down" so I welcomed the attention of a well known ( to everyone but me) 13 stepper. Practically over night I went from homeless and alone to house, wife, two children, one happy family. All most forgot, we were engaged to be married.
Then it all fell apart a few weeks later. I was back on the street and replaced by the next willing victim. God opened another door for me and I found a nice little flat for one where I lived happily for the next year durning which time I was able to recover from alcoholism. It wasn't for a few more years that I met my wife, the most lovely and loving woman and we had two beautiful children of our own.
My 13 stepper, to whom I had made amends for my part in what was a very wrong situation, continued on her merry way and eventually drank again. There was more wrong with her than just alcoholism, possibly she was one of those who is constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.
I met her outside a rehab 20 years later and we exchanged greetings. I was so glad I didn't get what I wished for.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
When I was six weeks sober, at the end of my sick leave, I returned to work to find I had been sacked and all my gear stolen. I didn't pray about it, instead I decided the job of cab driver would be best for me. Not because I had any great ideas about providing a good service, but because I like driving cars and reading books, and I noticed cabbies got plenty of time for reading while wait g for a fare.
However God had other plans. I failed the police check so could not get a cab license. Instead I found my self working on a temporary scheme at the university. While there the very kind head of department managed to reactivate my trade training and I was able to finish an engineering qualification.
Then, one day, I saw a job as a sales trainee for a large capital equipment firm. Way out of my league I thought, but after praying about it I called the firm to find out what the pay was like and, unbeknownst to me got the CEO. He talked me into coming in for an interview. I got the job out of forty applicants, and it was the trade qualification that did the trick.
Then came the first free territory and I was busting to get out and sell some gear. I applied for that area and missed out. God had other ideas. A few months later they put me in the best territory in the country, plenty of business, beautiful climate and wonderful customers to deal with. That was an amazing time, I enjoyed it so much and learnt heaps, I would have happily done it for half the money.
It was such a far cry from the vision I had for myself. I am so glad I didn't get my own way
However God had other plans. I failed the police check so could not get a cab license. Instead I found my self working on a temporary scheme at the university. While there the very kind head of department managed to reactivate my trade training and I was able to finish an engineering qualification.
Then, one day, I saw a job as a sales trainee for a large capital equipment firm. Way out of my league I thought, but after praying about it I called the firm to find out what the pay was like and, unbeknownst to me got the CEO. He talked me into coming in for an interview. I got the job out of forty applicants, and it was the trade qualification that did the trick.
Then came the first free territory and I was busting to get out and sell some gear. I applied for that area and missed out. God had other ideas. A few months later they put me in the best territory in the country, plenty of business, beautiful climate and wonderful customers to deal with. That was an amazing time, I enjoyed it so much and learnt heaps, I would have happily done it for half the money.
It was such a far cry from the vision I had for myself. I am so glad I didn't get my own way
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I really used to like a sympathetic doctor or nurse. One that would listen to my side of the story, one that understood I had many problems that caused my strange behaviour.
Like many others I have met in AA, there was a certain attraction in having a more interesting diagnosis than alcoholism. people seemed to be quite judgemental about drunks, but very understanding towards people with mental illnesses. The other bonus about mental illness was the interesting sounding medication that sometimes went with it.
The courts had placed me in a mental asylum for my drinking.A kind nurse oneday told me about a "frontal lobe condition" which was a thing that caused mood swings. I grabbed that one with both hands. Here was the chance I had been waiting for to prove I didnt have alcoholism at all, I was just insane, and they could medicate that.
I couldn't find a symathetic doctor though. I repeatedly asked for a brain scan to prove my point, but they just smiled. They didn't understand. In actual fact they saved me from developing another addiction.
At a meeting the other day I was talking to a retired doctor who knew all about that asylum, and he reminded me of what that place was really all about. It was isolated for a reason. The alcoholic ward was the only one that wasn't locked. The rest of the place was for those permanently and/or criminally insane, and they were all locked up.
The reality of my temporal lobe argument was that I was trying to convince the doctors that I was criminally insane, and had I succeeded, I would have been locked up.
How's that for denial? I'm so glad I didnt get what I wished for.
Like many others I have met in AA, there was a certain attraction in having a more interesting diagnosis than alcoholism. people seemed to be quite judgemental about drunks, but very understanding towards people with mental illnesses. The other bonus about mental illness was the interesting sounding medication that sometimes went with it.
The courts had placed me in a mental asylum for my drinking.A kind nurse oneday told me about a "frontal lobe condition" which was a thing that caused mood swings. I grabbed that one with both hands. Here was the chance I had been waiting for to prove I didnt have alcoholism at all, I was just insane, and they could medicate that.
I couldn't find a symathetic doctor though. I repeatedly asked for a brain scan to prove my point, but they just smiled. They didn't understand. In actual fact they saved me from developing another addiction.
At a meeting the other day I was talking to a retired doctor who knew all about that asylum, and he reminded me of what that place was really all about. It was isolated for a reason. The alcoholic ward was the only one that wasn't locked. The rest of the place was for those permanently and/or criminally insane, and they were all locked up.
The reality of my temporal lobe argument was that I was trying to convince the doctors that I was criminally insane, and had I succeeded, I would have been locked up.
How's that for denial? I'm so glad I didnt get what I wished for.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
I found this God business very off putting when I first came to AA. I remember going to one of the largest meetings in town and leaving all hot under the collar because they closed with the Lords prayer. I was thinking to my self "what are they doing allowing that Christian rubbish in AA?" I never went back to that meeting until about 30 years later.
At the time I thought AA would be much better without the God bit. If you had asked me at the time why I felt this way, I could not have explained it. I hadn't had any bad experiences with the church, hadn't met any dodgy vicars. In truth I later formed the view that it was down to blind ignorance and prejudice.
There was of course another angle to it. When I first saw the steps, the word God seemed to appear in steps that to me looked painful and difficult. I didn't do painful or difficult.
I had a lot of other crazy ideas all based in prejudice and ignorance. I had an opinion of everything and knew nothing about anything. Years later my sponsor told me he was shocked at some of the stuff that came out of my mouth in the early days, and it took a bit to shock someone of his experience.
Nevertheless, my sponsor and the fellowship somehow guided me to my own conception of a higher power and my closed mind began to open to the extent that I was willing to try prayer and, almost immediately, I began to change.
I would very much have liked my sponsor to take over my life, to tell me what to do. But in all things he sent me off to pray. In fact his whole approach seemed to be to get me connected with my own Higher Power, which, funnily enough, is exactly what the Big Book is about. He asked me questions to help with my poor reasoning ability, but he never once told me what to do. He told me frequently people have feet of clay, they will always let you down (Not deliberately I hasten to add).
Out of nowhere, I felt the need to do those difficult steps. I learned in step 4 that Sloth was one of my most glaring defects. From the Hazelden guide 'faint hearted in matters that are morrally or spiritually difficult.", Right on the money!
Through the steps I had several life changing spirtual experiences, the desire to drink was taken away and now I was just faced with life and spiritual growth. No man is an island as they say, and I had certain people who were my rocks in life, people who I could turn to in time of need, people in whom I had complete confidence. My father, my sponsor, my wife, my best friend.
One by one they all died and I came to understand the meaning of feet of clay. Then I found my self with two young children, one or two people that I sponsor, some employees that I needed to take care of, who was going to be my rock now?
Thank goodness AA has God in the program. Through the fellowship and my sponsor who helped me make contact with the power of my understanding, I was able to survive these trials and low spots without the need to drink, and have been able to be "the rock' for those people that depend on me. My faith, which started at less than zero, has grown through experience.
Its many years since I was brought into the Fellowship of the Spirit. I have enjoy a life of tremendous freedom, where I am not a prisoner of the fellowship just staying sober one day at a time, but someone who continues to be involved because of the pleasure it brings me.
I am very glad I didn't get my own way on this one. Dr Bob was right, my Heavenly Father has never let me down.
At the time I thought AA would be much better without the God bit. If you had asked me at the time why I felt this way, I could not have explained it. I hadn't had any bad experiences with the church, hadn't met any dodgy vicars. In truth I later formed the view that it was down to blind ignorance and prejudice.
There was of course another angle to it. When I first saw the steps, the word God seemed to appear in steps that to me looked painful and difficult. I didn't do painful or difficult.
I had a lot of other crazy ideas all based in prejudice and ignorance. I had an opinion of everything and knew nothing about anything. Years later my sponsor told me he was shocked at some of the stuff that came out of my mouth in the early days, and it took a bit to shock someone of his experience.
Nevertheless, my sponsor and the fellowship somehow guided me to my own conception of a higher power and my closed mind began to open to the extent that I was willing to try prayer and, almost immediately, I began to change.
I would very much have liked my sponsor to take over my life, to tell me what to do. But in all things he sent me off to pray. In fact his whole approach seemed to be to get me connected with my own Higher Power, which, funnily enough, is exactly what the Big Book is about. He asked me questions to help with my poor reasoning ability, but he never once told me what to do. He told me frequently people have feet of clay, they will always let you down (Not deliberately I hasten to add).
Out of nowhere, I felt the need to do those difficult steps. I learned in step 4 that Sloth was one of my most glaring defects. From the Hazelden guide 'faint hearted in matters that are morrally or spiritually difficult.", Right on the money!
Through the steps I had several life changing spirtual experiences, the desire to drink was taken away and now I was just faced with life and spiritual growth. No man is an island as they say, and I had certain people who were my rocks in life, people who I could turn to in time of need, people in whom I had complete confidence. My father, my sponsor, my wife, my best friend.
One by one they all died and I came to understand the meaning of feet of clay. Then I found my self with two young children, one or two people that I sponsor, some employees that I needed to take care of, who was going to be my rock now?
Thank goodness AA has God in the program. Through the fellowship and my sponsor who helped me make contact with the power of my understanding, I was able to survive these trials and low spots without the need to drink, and have been able to be "the rock' for those people that depend on me. My faith, which started at less than zero, has grown through experience.
Its many years since I was brought into the Fellowship of the Spirit. I have enjoy a life of tremendous freedom, where I am not a prisoner of the fellowship just staying sober one day at a time, but someone who continues to be involved because of the pleasure it brings me.
I am very glad I didn't get my own way on this one. Dr Bob was right, my Heavenly Father has never let me down.
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